A Monkey at the wheel －ハンドルにいる猿－

 “Working for peanuts is all very fine,

But I can show you a better time –

Baby, you can drive my car.”

From the Beatles song, “Drive my car”

 

My son loves vehicles.  So we had a great time in a huge park in Sapporo called “Sato Land”.  There was a horse and cart, a car made to look and sound like a train, and odd cycles. 

We spent about two hours cycling around the park on a cycle with three seats.  I sat in a seat at the back which had a set of pedals.  My wife sat next to me in the back at a seat which had both pedals and the steering wheel.  My son sat in the front seat without pedals. 

Then, when we got out of sight of the park staff, my son sat in the driver’s seat, steering the cycle.  In case of accidents, my wife ran behind the cycle, ready to pull us to a stop if my son steered us into danger. 

Although I was just pedaling, I really enjoyed the odd cycle.  It had been years since I had been on a bicycle.  There is a wonderful sense of freedom when you feel the wind rushing past your face. 

Despite my son turning the wheel very sharply at corners and making it feel like the cycle was about to tip over, we avoided any disasters.  I did have one problem, though.  My right knee was sticking out of the cycle, while my left knee was in the shade created by the driver next to me.  So I somehow managed to suffer sunburn on just one knee.  As I teach English in my shorts with one white knee and one bright pink knee, it probably looks a little strange.

Vocabulary:

to work for peanuts – to work for practically no money

 

The Hotel California, Somewhere East of Hokkaido －ホテル・カリフォルニア、どこか北海道の東ー

 “Relax, said the nightman –

We are programmed to receive.

You can check out any time you like,

But you can never leave.”

From the song, “Hotel California”, by Eagles

 

My wife, my son and I recently took a trip to Hokkaido.  Our plan was to take a train to Ibaraki prefecture, then board a ferry to Hokkaido.  We would spend one night on the ferry, two nights in a hotel in Sapporo, and then come back to Tokyo by plane. 

There is no wi-fi available on the ferry, so my wife suggested that I make a playlist of some songs to listen to while we were aboard.  I put together some songs which I thought might put us in the mood for our holiday.  So the playlist included songs about travel, boats, sailing, and hotels.  One of the songs I included was “Hotel California” by Eagles, just because it has the word “Hotel” in the title and lyrics. 

Unfortunately, while we were on the ferry, there was an earthquake off the coast of Kamchatka.  A tsunami alert was issued, and the ferry was not allowed to approach the coast.  So we had to spend an extra day and an extra night on the ferry, waiting for the tsunami alert to be lifted. 

With no internet connection and no tv signal, I listened again and again to the same short playlist of songs.  The line, “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave,” started to sound ironic. 

There was a kiosk on the ferry, selling snacks, cup noodles and a little alcohol.  After the announcement of the tsunami alert, a huge queue formed at the kiosk and people came away with armfuls of instant food.  My wife bought some frozen edamame shelled peas, as well as crisps and chocolate.  It was lucky that we did buy snacks, because the restaurant was running out of food.  All of the 900 or so passengers were offered a free dinner.  We all got a half sized portion of rice with a little curry sauce.  The only solid food I found in the curry was a 2cm square cube of carrot.  Also, the curry was spicy, which made it hard for the children on board to eat. 

Luckily, before we left Tokyo, I had told my son that the most fun part of the trip would probably be the time we spent on the ferry, the Sunflower.  So he didn’t seem too disappointed to be stuck on it.  He walked out onto the deck many times and gazed at the sea and the land of Hokkaido.  Our ferry was soon joined by a long line of other ships, retreating out of the port to avoid any damage from the tsunami. 

At one point, the captain made an announcement.  “We cannot enter port until the tsunami alert is lifted.  We have enough fuel for the time being.  So please don’t worry,” he said.  I hadn’t been worrying until that point.  It hadn’t occurred to me that we might be running out of fuel. 

“Relax, said the nightman – You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave…” 

At last we did get permission to enter the port.  Then we had to decide how to cram three planned days of activities into one afternoon and evening, and one morning.  And for the next few days, I couldn’t stop the feeling that I was slowly swaying from side to side.  My legs were still in the Hotel California.

 

One Week Down －１週間が過ぎた－

It has been one week since my son started his school summer holidays. 

I took him out shopping with me this morning, and he was mostly helpful.  He let me put my hand on his shoulder and he guided me around the supermarket, picking out the things I wanted to buy.  We met the mother of one of his friends working at the checkout, who said hello to him. 

The problem of the summer holidays is finding ways to fill my son’s time.  Taking a walk to the supermarket, or letting him help with the cooking or washing up can help to break up the day.  Unfortunately, it can also lead to problems.  My son used the same spoon to scoop out some dressing and to scoop out sesame seeds, making all of the seeds dirty this morning. This caused a row with his mother. 

I mentioned last week that we got our son his first computer game to give him another way to kill time at home.  We got him the very old fashioned game Pong.  To win the game, you have to hit a ball across the screen to your opponent’s side, like a game of table tennis.  Because my son had never played a computer game before, he was very slow to pick up the idea of the game.  He couldn’t beat his computer opponent, and was getting very frustrated and angry.  So I suggested that he play a game against me. 

“He will gain some confidence from beating me,” I thought. 

I sat on the right side of the computer, and my son was on the left.  I am of course blind, so I was randomly moving the paddle up and down. 

“Ping, pong, ping!  The right player has won!” said the computer.  Somehow, my son had lost to a blind man.  No wonder he couldn’t beat his computer opponent. 

After a few days, my son got the hang of Pong and now beats the computer almost every time.  Pong was free.  We are thinking about buying the 1988 version of Double Dragon for 500 Yen next.  So the sounds will change from “Ping, pong, ping,” to “Bash, Crunch, Bash,” as it is a martial arts “beat-em-up” game.  And perhaps we can get through another week…

 

Vocabulary:

a row – a noisy disturbance or quarrel

[eg. He had a row with his girlfriend about money.]

a paddle – an alternate word for a table tennis racket.  According to Wikipedia, the official word is “racket” but it is generally called a “paddle” in America and a “bat” in Europe and Asia

beat-em-up – a genre of computer game, from the phrase “beat them up”.  It involves a character punching and kicking opponents

 

Ping, Ping －ピッピッ－

My son will be nine years old next month.  He said to my wife recently, “Today I was given the cold shoulder by my friends.” 

“Why were they ignoring you?” she asked. 

“Well,” he said.  “They asked me what computer games I played.  And all I could say was that I played a computer version of shogi (Japanese chess), and did English on line practice drills.” 

No wonder his friends left him out of their conversations about Splattoon and Mindcraft. 

Until now I haven’t let my son play computer games.  We don’t even have a television at home. 

There have been good things arising from this.  My son loves reading books.  To my mind, that is a more meaningful and useful hobby than watching tv or killing virtual monsters. 

But having said that, I played computer games myself when I was young.  I got particularly into a game called “Civilization” in which you have to build cities, discover new technologies faster than your opponents, and ultimately either conquer the world or be the first civilization to colonise space.  If I survived a childhood with computer games, then my son ought to be able to also. 

So with the school summer holidays starting from this afternoon, I have decided to compromise.  We have downloaded a pc game for my son to play.  I don’t want him to jump straight in with the most modern, 3D, fun and addictive game available.  So I have decided to go retro.  We have downloaded a pc version of “Pong”.  Pong was first released in 1972 by Atari.  It is one of the simplest games imaginable.  It is essentially a computerized version of table tennis (or ping pong), with the player able to move a line up and down one side of the screen to intercept a little block representing a ball, and thus direct it back across the screen. 

Am I being cruelly strict?  If he doesn’t get too addicted then perhaps we can slowly build up through Space Invaders and Pac-Man.  By the end of the school holidays, my son might have advanced all the way to the computer games of 1980.  Or perhaps he will decide computer games are overrated and go back to his books.

 

Vocabulary:

to give someone the cold shoulder – to deliberately ignore someone or treat them in an unfriendly way

[eg., Since I forgot her birthday, she’s been giving me the cold shoulder.]

 

Saying the Wrong Thing －口を滑らすことー

My wife recently met my eight year old son’s school teacher, to hear about how he is getting on in class. 

“Oh, thank goodness,” he said.  “I can think of a few things I can say about your son.” 

It sounded very strange to my wife.  It sounded like there were some kids in the class about which the teacher could think of nothing to say at all. 

“Well, Ms. Tanaka, your son is very, um, average.  Very normal.  Good job.” 

In one of my lessons, I ask my students if they have ever regretted expressing themselves poorly or saying the wrong thing. 

One student answered, “My friend told me she was getting divorced.  Without thinking, I just told her that I was not surprised, and that I had always thought her husband would have an affair.  Thinking about it later, I thought that maybe that was not what she wanted to hear.” 

I once heard this story from a nurse. 

The nurse was walking round the hospital ward to check on the patients she was treating.  There was a bunch of flowers sitting next to an old man lying in his bed. 

“Lovely flowers!” said the nurse.  “I wish I could keep some at home.  But everything I touch dies.” 

Seeing the man’s horrified face, she quickly said, “Flowers!  Just flowers, not people!”

 

A Message from the Ministry of Dreams －夢省からのメッセージー

You have bought your regular lottery ticket.  You don’t expect ever to win big, but it helps you to dream.  If only…

Your phone buzzes and you check the message.  It is from the state owned lottery provider.  It is a notification of a win.

“Congratulations!  You have won 100,000,000 Yen!” 

100 million Yen!  You can’t believe it.  Miracles do happen.  You could buy a house, a sports car, a yacht. 

Hold on a second, there is another message coming through on your phone. 

“The state lottery provider would like to offer its sincere apologies for sending a message to you in error.  Due to a technical fault, the prize money sent in our last communication was inaccurate.  You have in fact won 10,000 Yen.  Congratulations!” 

Something like this actually happened in Norway this week.  The Norwegian state owned lottery provider allows Norwegians to buy tickets for the Euro Jackpot lottery, which is based in Germany.  So the prize money to be provided to Norwegian winners has to be converted from Euro Cents into Norwegian Kroner.  The prize money was supposed to have been divided by 100, but was accidentally instead multiplied by 100.  So the amount that prize winners actually got was 10,000 times smaller than the amount they were told that they were going to get. 

Scrap the purchase of a house, sports car and yacht.  I think I need a 10,000 Yen bottle of whisky instead. It helps me to dream… 

Don’t Let the English See －イギリス人に見せないで－

“para Ingles ver”

for the English to see

a Brazilian Portuguese idiom 

I have been reading a book called “Brazil” by English travel writer, Michael Palin. 

Palin mentioned an interesting idiomatic expression used by the Brazilians, which literally means “for the English to see”, or “for the eyes of the English”. 

The expression is used to indicate that something looks good on paper, but can be ignored in practice.  For example, a company which is exploiting its workers might write in the employment contract that everyone will be paid extra for working overtime.  But that is just for the eyes of the English.  In actual fact, the company lets everyone know that they are expected to work overtime for nothing. 

I laughed when I first heard the idiom, because it seems to encapsulate a stereotype of the English as bureaucratic and the Brazilians as easy-going.  But the origins of the expression are not funny.  In the 19^th century, Britain was the most powerful country in the world.  After making slavery illegal in the British empire, they tried to prevent other countries from buying and selling slaves too.  In the 1830s, Britain insisted that Brazil end slavery.  And so they agreed, for the eyes of the English.  In other words, they superficially agreed to end the slave trade, but it continued quietly.  Slavery was finally abolished in Brazil in 1888.

 

Vocabulary:

to encapsulate something – to express the essential features of something in a short form

[eg., The final sentence encapsulates the theme of the book.]

superficially – only on the surface

[eg., Superficially, it looks like a good deal.  But when you look at the details you will see why it is actually not such a good deal.]