English with a Dash of Dutch Courage －お酒の力を借りての英語－

Nervously, you step through the doors of the language school.  Before committing to buying a course of English lessons, you ask one of the teachers about the school and its methods. 

“What kind of teaching methods do you use?” you ask. 

“Well, we’re quite flexible,” says the teacher.  “I can teach daily conversation lessons, business lessons, preparations for a test, etc.  Is there any particular method of learning English that you would like to try?” 

Pulling out a hip flask and taking a sip of whisky, you answer, “I’d like to study English using the Ig Nobel Method.” 

The Ig Nobel Prize is awarded to scientific research that at first makes you laugh, and then makes you think.  This year’s main prize was won last week by a group of researchers in the Netherlands.  They compared how well two groups of native German speakers performed when trying to learn Dutch conversation.  One group studied in the normal way, and the other group studied after drinking some alcohol.  The researchers found that the students who had drunk alcohol performed better, especially with their pronunciation. 

I normally offer my students a cup of tea to drink during our lessons.  Should I start offering them something stronger?

 

Vocabulary:

Dutch courage – this is a drink of alcohol which is taken to reduce anxiety.  The expression comes from hundreds of years ago when sailors in the Dutch navy were given alcohol before battles to help give them the courage to fight

[eg., “I think I need a little Dutch courage before asking her for a date.”]

 

The Ever Growing Edamame Bowl －増え続ける枝豆の器－

One of my wife’s colleagues recently gave her a bunch of edamame, or boiled and salted soy beans still in their pods.  In order to eat the edamame, you have to pop the beans into your mouth and throw away the pod. 

My son and I were sharing the edamame, and my wife gave us each a bowl to put the empty pods in.  This was a pre dinner snack, and I didn’t want to eat too many.  But I felt my bowl filling up quickly with empty pods. 

“I’ve got to slow down, or I’ll lose my appetite for dinner,” I thought. 

I put another empty pod in my bowl, and felt that it was nearly overflowing. 

“My goodness!” I thought.  “I must be eating more of these than I had realized.” 

I told my family that I wasn’t going to eat any more edamame.  I had had enough. 

Then my wife glanced up and said to my son, “Why are you putting all your empty pods in your daddy’s bowl?”

 

Check, Please －お会計をお願いします－

One of my friends has gotten divorced, and recently went on some dates with women he met through a dating site. 

He said he had had some pretty bad first dates.  On one such first date, the woman kept asking him detailed questions about his finances:  What is your salary?  What kind of car do you own?  How much is the mortgage on your house? 

Listening to his stories about first dates which went wrong made me remember a comedy sketch show from the 1990s called, “Goodness Gracious Me”.  One recurring sketch featured a British Asian man who was always on a first date with a woman in a restaurant.  He would inevitably say the wrong thing and the sketch would end with him saying, “Check, please!” 

Here are a few of the first date sketches I remember from the show.

 

1

“I think it is really important for a boyfriend and girlfriend to get to know each other’s family,” says the man.

“Oh, that’s sweet,” says the woman. 

“That’s why I’m sleeping with your sister, innit?  …  Check, please.”

 

2

“I don’t think like other men.” 

“No?” asks the woman in a teasing voice. 

“Because I don’t think you’re ugly!  …  Check, please!”

 

3

“I really want to understand women.  I really want to see things from their perspective.” 

“Oh, that’s sweet.” 

“That’s why I’m wearing my mother’s underwear, innit?  …  Check, please!”

 

Vocabulary:

innit  - This is British slang for “isn’t it?

[eg., “That’s a good film, innit?”]

 

The Cheapest Ticket to the Moon －月への一番安い切符ー

I am reading the autobiography of Gene Kranz, who was a flight controller at NASA during their early successes and failures, including the Apollo missions to the moon. 

Kranz mentioned a funny quote by Alan Shepard, the first American astronaut to go into space.  When asked by a journalist how he felt sitting in the spacecraft, getting ready to leave the Earth, he said the following: 

“I felt exactly how you would feel if you were getting ready to launch and knew you were sitting on top of two million parts – all built by the lowest bidder on a government contract.” 

I have similar thoughts when I am sitting on a budget airline as it is getting ready to take off. 

And here was an interesting quote from Kranz about NASA’s success in landing men on the moon: 

“Apollo succeeded at critical moments like this because the bosses had no hesitation about assigning crucial tasks to one individual, trusting his judgement, and then getting out of his way.”

 

Vocabulary:

the lowest bidder – the company which offers to do some work or provide a product or service for the lowest price

[eg., “The contract to run the local bus service was won by the lowest bidder.”]

crucial – involving an extremely important decision or result

[eg., “The next test is the crucial test.  If it is failed, then we will cancel the project.”]

 

On Windows and Pandas －窓とパンダについてー

I read an interesting news article this week which said that two American airlines are being sued by passengers who paid extra for a window seat, only to find that instead of a window, they were sitting next to a blank wall. 

On some planes, not all of the “window” seats are actually located next to windows, because of air conditioning units or wiring or something else being needed where the window normally is.  I can see why a passenger who had paid extra to enjoy the view might be annoyed.  It would be like paying extra at a zoo to see the panda enclosure, only to see a sign that read, “One day we hope to get a panda, but until then please look into the enclosure and enjoy imagining that a panda is there.” 

My family and I had a similar disappointment on our flight back from Sapporo to Tokyo recently.  My wife booked the flight, but didn’t pay for it immediately.  She wanted to make sure that she could book the hotel and ferry to Hokkaido before committing to paying for the expensive flight.  Except that she forgot to pay, and our flight booking was automatically cancelled by the airline. 

So we had to pay an extra 20,000 Yen to book the same flight again.  And we lost the lovely window seat we had initially booked, which would have allowed our son to gaze out at the clouds and land below.  He had to make do with a window seat right next to the wing, which meant he couldn’t see anything.  That’s like paying extra at a zoo to see the panda enclosure, only to find that the panda is on strike, and is refusing to get out of bed.

 

A Monkey at the wheel －ハンドルにいる猿－

 “Working for peanuts is all very fine,

But I can show you a better time –

Baby, you can drive my car.”

From the Beatles song, “Drive my car”

 

My son loves vehicles.  So we had a great time in a huge park in Sapporo called “Sato Land”.  There was a horse and cart, a car made to look and sound like a train, and odd cycles. 

We spent about two hours cycling around the park on a cycle with three seats.  I sat in a seat at the back which had a set of pedals.  My wife sat next to me in the back at a seat which had both pedals and the steering wheel.  My son sat in the front seat without pedals. 

Then, when we got out of sight of the park staff, my son sat in the driver’s seat, steering the cycle.  In case of accidents, my wife ran behind the cycle, ready to pull us to a stop if my son steered us into danger. 

Although I was just pedaling, I really enjoyed the odd cycle.  It had been years since I had been on a bicycle.  There is a wonderful sense of freedom when you feel the wind rushing past your face. 

Despite my son turning the wheel very sharply at corners and making it feel like the cycle was about to tip over, we avoided any disasters.  I did have one problem, though.  My right knee was sticking out of the cycle, while my left knee was in the shade created by the driver next to me.  So I somehow managed to suffer sunburn on just one knee.  As I teach English in my shorts with one white knee and one bright pink knee, it probably looks a little strange.

Vocabulary:

to work for peanuts – to work for practically no money

 

The Hotel California, Somewhere East of Hokkaido －ホテル・カリフォルニア、どこか北海道の東ー

 “Relax, said the nightman –

We are programmed to receive.

You can check out any time you like,

But you can never leave.”

From the song, “Hotel California”, by Eagles

 

My wife, my son and I recently took a trip to Hokkaido.  Our plan was to take a train to Ibaraki prefecture, then board a ferry to Hokkaido.  We would spend one night on the ferry, two nights in a hotel in Sapporo, and then come back to Tokyo by plane. 

There is no wi-fi available on the ferry, so my wife suggested that I make a playlist of some songs to listen to while we were aboard.  I put together some songs which I thought might put us in the mood for our holiday.  So the playlist included songs about travel, boats, sailing, and hotels.  One of the songs I included was “Hotel California” by Eagles, just because it has the word “Hotel” in the title and lyrics. 

Unfortunately, while we were on the ferry, there was an earthquake off the coast of Kamchatka.  A tsunami alert was issued, and the ferry was not allowed to approach the coast.  So we had to spend an extra day and an extra night on the ferry, waiting for the tsunami alert to be lifted. 

With no internet connection and no tv signal, I listened again and again to the same short playlist of songs.  The line, “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave,” started to sound ironic. 

There was a kiosk on the ferry, selling snacks, cup noodles and a little alcohol.  After the announcement of the tsunami alert, a huge queue formed at the kiosk and people came away with armfuls of instant food.  My wife bought some frozen edamame shelled peas, as well as crisps and chocolate.  It was lucky that we did buy snacks, because the restaurant was running out of food.  All of the 900 or so passengers were offered a free dinner.  We all got a half sized portion of rice with a little curry sauce.  The only solid food I found in the curry was a 2cm square cube of carrot.  Also, the curry was spicy, which made it hard for the children on board to eat. 

Luckily, before we left Tokyo, I had told my son that the most fun part of the trip would probably be the time we spent on the ferry, the Sunflower.  So he didn’t seem too disappointed to be stuck on it.  He walked out onto the deck many times and gazed at the sea and the land of Hokkaido.  Our ferry was soon joined by a long line of other ships, retreating out of the port to avoid any damage from the tsunami. 

At one point, the captain made an announcement.  “We cannot enter port until the tsunami alert is lifted.  We have enough fuel for the time being.  So please don’t worry,” he said.  I hadn’t been worrying until that point.  It hadn’t occurred to me that we might be running out of fuel. 

“Relax, said the nightman – You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave…” 

At last we did get permission to enter the port.  Then we had to decide how to cram three planned days of activities into one afternoon and evening, and one morning.  And for the next few days, I couldn’t stop the feeling that I was slowly swaying from side to side.  My legs were still in the Hotel California.