It’s not over until it is over －終わるまでには終わっていない－

The big rugby match between Scotland and Japan is now over.  Scotland thrashed the Japanese by 45 points to 10 in the Rugby World Cup this week.  As a Scot living in Japan, perhaps I ought to gloat.  But I am not that keen on any sport other than football.  I will wait until we thrash Japan in the real World Cup instead.

At least if the action is dull, we can have some fun with the commentary.  There was another sporting story in the news this week which caught my attention.  This was the death of legendary American baseball player and commentator, Yogi Berra at the age of 90.

Commentating on live sport is no doubt very difficult, as the games and events can last hours and you have to keep talking.  So it is no wonder that commentators often make verbal slips or accidentally humorous statements.  Yogi Berra was particularly remembered for this.  One of his quotes inspired the title of this blog: “It ain’t over until it’s over.”  “Ain’t” is another form of “isn’t”.  I wonder if non-native speakers of English will find it hard to spot the unintentional humour?  See if you can find it in these others from the great Yogi:

“You can observe a lot by watching.”

“The future ain’t what it used to be.”

“Baseball is 90 per cent mental.  The other half is physical.”

And just to prove that commentating is difficult the world over, here are some humorous slips from a famous British sports commentator, David Coleman:

“In a moment, we hope to see the pole-vault over the satellite.”

“He’s got his hands on his knees and holds his head in despair.”

“And the line-up for the final of the women’s 800 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman.”

Respect to sports commentators the world over, past and present. 

Vocabulary:

to thrash someone – In sport, this means to beat your opponent by a very wide margin; to give your opponent a beating

to gloat – to bring attention to one’s own success or a rival’s misfortune

dull – boring

to spot something – to notice something

A lover’s charm －恋人のチャーム－

For those of you who have a partner, can you still remember your first date?  Do you have a story about how your romance blossomed?  Did your eyes meet across a crowded room?  Were you initially more attracted to his or her best friend instead?  In the beginning, were there flowers and chocolates?  Did you chat your partner up with a line like, “What’s a girl/guy like you doing in a place like this?”

My wife still teases me because early on in our relationship, while out on a date, I stopped off at a convenience store and we stood outside, drinking orange juice.  Apparently, she was imagining candle-lit dinners instead.

Here is another way to start off a romance: “Love me, or die!”

I recently heard this song by C.W. Stoneking, an Australian blues musician, although it was first released in 2008.  It tells the story of a man who uses a voodoo charm, or a kind of dark magic spell, to capture the heart of the one he loves.  But, perhaps predictably, not everything works out as intended.  Here is part of the lyrics, with a description of vocabulary at the end.  

An extract from “The love me or die”, by C.W. Stoneking:

I studied evil, I can’t deny,　
It was a voodoo charm called the “Love me or die”. 

I will relate,
The hideous consequence of my mistake,　
All enslaved to passing desire,　
Making the dreaded “Love me or die”.

I said, “Good morning,” I tipped my hat,
All the while I was cunning like a rat.
Smiling gaily, I looked in her eye,
And felt in my pocket the love me or die.

Oh Matilda, darling,　
Why {don’t you} take my wedding ring?

Word broke through the town,
That a fever {had struck} Matilda down,
{At} 9.30 the doctor {arrived},
The priest {came} running, {at} quarter to five.

Standing in the weeds early next day,　
I heard the meat wagon rolling away.　
I saw Matilda laying in the back,　
Her mother wearing a suit of black.

Sound the trumpet, and bang the drum,
I wait for {my} judgement to come.

Flames of Hell lick at my feet.
In the shadow of the jungle I feel the heat.
Matilda’s waiting in Hell for me too,
All {because} she died from bad voodoo.

So when he used the “Love me or die” voodoo charm on her, she didn’t fall in love with him.  She died.  And now he’s waiting to join her in Hell.

Maybe he should have just invited her out to a convenience store for a date instead.

Vocabulary:

charm – attractiveness; romantic appeal

a charm – a magic spell or something with special supernatural power

to chat someone up –to attract someone romantically using skilful speech

to tease someone – to make fun of someone; to laugh at someone’s expense

voodoo – a religion or system of beliefs based in the Caribbean, in which magic and spirit possession are important

to be enslaved – to be made into a slave; to be brought completely under the control of something or someone

hideous – horrible; dreadful

to tip one’s hat – to raise or touch one’s hat as a form of greeting

cunning – sly or intelligent in a tricky way

gaily – cheerfully; brightly

a priest – a religious official

a weed – a kind of plant which is considered undesirable

a meat wagon – This is a slang term for either an ambulance or a hearse; a car which carries the bodies of dead people

judgement – a ruling on someone’s behaviour by, for example, a judge in a trial or God after death

Dear future self, always remember one thing... －拝啓、将来の私、これを覚えていてください－

Imagine that you know that you are going to die tomorrow.  Okay, now cheer up!  You are also going to be reborn into a new body.  Unfortunately, you will have to start over as a baby, and you will not remember the life you are living now.  But you are in luck!  You can leave one message to yourself in the form of a single piece of life advice.  If you have made a major mistake in this life, you can be forewarned in the next.

What advice would you leave for yourself?  It could be something very general, like: “Try to be happy.”  But that is probably not very useful.  How do you actually put that into practice?

Perhaps you would be better picking a more specific piece of advice.  If you have lost a lot of money gambling, you might advise your future self to stay well clear of Las Vegas.

The reason I have been thinking about this topic is that a relative of mine is going to give birth soon.  She asked me to write down some advice or a message for her unborn daughter.  The child will then be able to read the message some years in the future.  I found it quite difficult.  How old will she be when she reads it?  If she will be five, I might say, “If you wet the bed, you should tell your mother quickly.  Don’t try to hide it.”  But that advice might surprise her if she doesn’t read it until she is 18.

So I tried to solve the problem by thinking about it as I wrote above.  What information would I want to pass on to myself, if I could be born again?  I also wanted to avoid something too general.  So here were some ideas I had:

-“Save some money while you are still young and healthy.  You might need it later.”

-“If you are drinking by yourself, never open a third bottle of wine.  You, and your carpet, will regret it.”

-“Be cautious of red-haired women.  I don’t have time to go into all the details.”

-“Do not wear socks with holes in them to a Japanese friend’s house.  You will have to take your shoes off and it will be embarrassing.”

Okay.  Some of the above points may in fact be too specific to my life.  In the end I wrote down this advice:

-“Be careful of dentists and plumbers.  They make money by finding things to do, not by helping you avoid unnecessary work.”

Sorry to any dentists, plumbers and red-haired women who may be reading this.  I can only judge from a single life’s experience. 

Vocabulary:

to be forewarned – to be told of danger in advance

to put something into practice – to take an idea, theory etc. and try to use it in a real situation

to give birth – for a pregnant mother to release a baby into the world

to wet the bed – to release urine into one’s bed when sleeping

 

 

Cigarette trees and a never ending tub of pudding －たばこの木と食べきれないプリン－

Have you ever closed your eyes and imagined the world as you wish it could be?  Have you ever tried to picture Heaven?  Do you see people sitting on clouds and singing hymns?  Or do you perhaps imagine something more like a scene from Charlie and the Chocolate factory, with rivers of chocolate and edible grass?

A few years ago I remember reading about an American newspaper which had speculated on what Heaven might be like.  It had suggested that there might be public transport in Heaven, but without pollution, and with the vehicles driven by angels.  I couldn’t help but chuckle at the image.  Imagine a frustrated angel behind the wheel of a bus, driving people through a traffic jam.  “I’ve got wings, you know,” he mutters, lighting a cancer-free, heavenly cigarette.

An idea of a perfect world can be an escape for people facing difficulties in reality.  If your life is hard, you can always close your eyes and dream about how things should be.  But that fantasy will be different for different people.  For someone close to me, the fantasy of her childhood was a never ending tub of pudding.  You could open it and keep on eating and eating and never reach the bottom.  Simple pleasures for simple people, I suppose.

And what was the perfect fantasy land for a homeless man in 1920s America?  What was the image of Heaven for a hobo?

Fortunately, there is a song which tells us exactly that.  Harry McClintock first recorded “Big Rock Candy Mountains” in 1928, although he claimed to have first written it in the 1890s.  It tells of a homeless man’s dreams of paradise.  There are streams of alcohol, cigarettes growing on trees, and the police have a hard time chasing you on their wooden legs.

Here are some of the lyrics, with a description of vocabulary at the end.  Does it sound like Heaven to you, or would you prefer that magic tub of pudding?

 

An extract from “Big Rock Candy Mountains” by Harry McClintock (1928): 

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains there’s a land that’s fair and bright,
Where the handouts grow on bushes, and you sleep out every night,
Where the boxcars all are empty and the sun shines every day,
On the birds and the bees, and the cigarette trees,
On the lemonade spring where the bluebird sings,
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains, all the cops have wooden legs,
The bulldogs all have rubber teeth,
And the hens lay soft-boiled eggs.

 

Vocabulary:

a hymn – a religious song of praise for God or a god

edible – able to be eaten

to speculate –to guess or make theories about something unknown

to chuckle – to laugh out loud

to mutter – to say something in a low and unclear voice

a hobo – in North America, a homeless person; a tramp

a handout – something you are given as charity

a boxcar – a railway freight or cargo wagon

a cop – in North America, this is slang for a policeman or policewoman

a hen – a female chicken