Cold Humour —冷たいユーモア－

I recently finished reading an interesting book about the history of the cold war between America and the Soviet Union. 

People in the Soviet Union experienced shortages of goods in shops and long queues to buy things in the 1980s.  There were a couple of funny jokes from that time included in the book.

 

1

A woman in Saint Petersburg waits in a long queue at a butcher’s.  Eventually, when she gets to the front, she finds that the store has run out of meat. 

“Don’t you have any meat at all?” she asks. 

“No, we are all out,” replies the clerk. 

“Well,” says the woman, “Do you at least have some milk here?” 

The clerk shakes his head.  “We only deal in meat.  The shop which has run out of milk is across the road.”

 

2

A man in Moscow waits in a long queue to buy vodka.  He waits for an hour and still hasn’t gotten near the front. 

“This is ridiculous!” he exclaims.  “I can’t stand these queues any more.  I’m off to kill Gorbachev.” 

The other people in the crowd watch him stomp off.  Eventually, an hour later, he comes back and rejoins the queue. 

“What happened?” ask the others.  “Did you really kill Gorbachev?” 

“Are you kidding?” says the man.  “That queue is twice as long as this one.”

 

Why Do I Keep Getting Adverts for Salted Peanuts? －塩ピーナッツの広告ばかりもらっているのはなぜか－

The CEO of Britain’s largest supermarket this week suggested that they may start using artificial intelligence to influence their customers’ purchasing decisions.  Around 22 million people in Britain have signed up to Tesco’s Club card.  If they use the card to get discounts on their shopping, the supermarket can collect data on what they are buying. 

Tesco’s CEO, Ken Murphy, said that this data could be used to “nudge” shoppers into making healthier choices.  He suggested that an AI programme could let shoppers know that the items they have bought contain more than their recommended intake of salt, for example, and suggest healthier alternatives. 

It sounds like a helpful idea in theory.  But wouldn’t supermarkets be tempted instead to sell the data on their customers to companies, in order for them to prey upon the customers’ weaknesses more effectively? 

“Mrs. Smith is eating too much salt.  So why not target her with more adverts for salty junk food?  She obviously can’t resist it!”

 

Vocabulary:

to nudge someone into doing something – to gently push someone, or apply pressure to someone, in order to encourage them to do something

[eg., The government has introduced a tax on sugary drinks, in order to nudge people into drinking healthier alternatives.]

The Octopus that Lost Two Legs －足を2本失くしたタコ－

My son seems to have become more comfortable speaking English at home since we spent 18 days in Scotland over the summer.  Before going to Scotland, my wife and I had to keep telling him to speak English at home, and he kept switching back into Japanese.  I haven’t had to tell him to use English recently.

But because he doesn’t use English at school, there are many things he doesn’t know how to say in English.  He didn’t know the names of the months, for example.

So my wife decided to teach him the names of the months in English, from January to December.

I heard her telling him that October was the tenth month.  She tried to tell my son about an interesting fact about October.

“October is the tenth month,” she said, “But ‘oct’ means a different number, not 10.  Think of an octopus.  Can you guess what number ‘oct’ means?”

“An octopus has eight legs, so it must be eight,” said my son.

So far so clever.  Of course we actually call the “legs’ of an octopus “tentacles,” but he was doing very well with his answer.

“And can you guess why the name of the tenth month means ‘eighth month’?” she asked.

That was quite a difficult question.  The real reason is that October used to be the eighth month.  Then two Roman emperors added an extra month each, which pushed October back.  Julius Caesar added July and Augustus added August.

My son’s face lit up.  “I’ve got it!” he said.  “Octopuses used to have ten legs.  Then they evolved, and now they have only eight!”

It was an imaginative answer.  Maybe in the waters around Osaka, an octopus which evolved with two fewer tasty looking tentacles to be put into takoyaki would have a survival advantage.

Daddy’s Bacon －お父さんのベーコン－

One of the things that excited me about going back to Scotland recently was the chance to eat many different kinds of food which are unavailable in Japan.  I had a list of different foods I wanted to eat while I had the chance. 

One such food was bacon.  Of course you can get bacon in Japan, but it doesn’t taste the same as the bacon in Scotland.  Scotland’s bacon is much saltier.  Bacon in Japan tastes to me like ham.  My son loves bacon in Japan, and so I told him over and over before we went to Scotland, “You are going to love this real bacon!” 

I had plenty of opportunities to enjoy the local bacon during my trip, including eating three bacon rolls before heading to the airport on my way back to Japan. 

Other meat dishes I enjoyed were haggis, black pudding, square sausage and sausage rolls.  Haggis is the signature dish of Scotland.  It is a meat pudding, containing the minced meat of a sheep’s heart, liver and lungs, chopped onion and oatmeal and spices, inside a sheep’s stomach.  It is honestly nicer than it sounds.  I had it with mashed potatoes and turnips. 

One dessert I wanted to have was rhubarb crumble.  Rhubarb is a vegetable, but it is often used in desserts, as if it were a fruit.  It has a strong, tart taste, and goes well with custard.  I managed to get one rhubarb crumble, although it was from a supermarket and not freshly made.  It was still nice, though. 

It is not surprising that I enjoyed the food of my home country.  But how did my eight year old son fare?  He has been raised in Japan and, in addition to bacon, loves wakame seaweed, shirasu fish, and natto. 

My son didn’t eat haggis or some of the more challenging foods.  We often had to buy some Japanese style noodles in the Asian section of the supermarket for him to eat instead of what I was eating.  Still, he seemed satisfied with the Scottish bacon I had recommended so highly.  He liked Scottish baked potatoes, and plenty of sandwiches. 

Yesterday I heard my son whispering to my wife, “Don’t tell Daddy.” 

“I wonder what that is about?” I thought.  “It’s not my birthday, is it?” 

I waited until my son was out of the room, and asked my wife what the secret was. 

I had been reminiscing about all the good food we had enjoyed in Scotland.  “Remember that lovely bacon we enjoyed…” 

My son had been whispering to his mother, “Don’t tell Daddy that I didn’t like the Scottish bacon.”  Apparently it was so salty he could only eat a few bites.

Vocabulary:

tart – as an adjective, tart means having a sharp taste, tasting very sour or acidic

[eg., Tart apples are best for cooking in a pie.]

to reminisce – to indulge in enjoyable recollection of past events

[eg., My friend and I reminisced about our days at school together.]