A Monkey at the wheel －ハンドルにいる猿－

 “Working for peanuts is all very fine,

But I can show you a better time –

Baby, you can drive my car.”

From the Beatles song, “Drive my car”

 

My son loves vehicles.  So we had a great time in a huge park in Sapporo called “Sato Land”.  There was a horse and cart, a car made to look and sound like a train, and odd cycles. 

We spent about two hours cycling around the park on a cycle with three seats.  I sat in a seat at the back which had a set of pedals.  My wife sat next to me in the back at a seat which had both pedals and the steering wheel.  My son sat in the front seat without pedals. 

Then, when we got out of sight of the park staff, my son sat in the driver’s seat, steering the cycle.  In case of accidents, my wife ran behind the cycle, ready to pull us to a stop if my son steered us into danger. 

Although I was just pedaling, I really enjoyed the odd cycle.  It had been years since I had been on a bicycle.  There is a wonderful sense of freedom when you feel the wind rushing past your face. 

Despite my son turning the wheel very sharply at corners and making it feel like the cycle was about to tip over, we avoided any disasters.  I did have one problem, though.  My right knee was sticking out of the cycle, while my left knee was in the shade created by the driver next to me.  So I somehow managed to suffer sunburn on just one knee.  As I teach English in my shorts with one white knee and one bright pink knee, it probably looks a little strange.

Vocabulary:

to work for peanuts – to work for practically no money

 

The Hotel California, Somewhere East of Hokkaido －ホテル・カリフォルニア、どこか北海道の東ー

 “Relax, said the nightman –

We are programmed to receive.

You can check out any time you like,

But you can never leave.”

From the song, “Hotel California”, by Eagles

 

My wife, my son and I recently took a trip to Hokkaido.  Our plan was to take a train to Ibaraki prefecture, then board a ferry to Hokkaido.  We would spend one night on the ferry, two nights in a hotel in Sapporo, and then come back to Tokyo by plane. 

There is no wi-fi available on the ferry, so my wife suggested that I make a playlist of some songs to listen to while we were aboard.  I put together some songs which I thought might put us in the mood for our holiday.  So the playlist included songs about travel, boats, sailing, and hotels.  One of the songs I included was “Hotel California” by Eagles, just because it has the word “Hotel” in the title and lyrics. 

Unfortunately, while we were on the ferry, there was an earthquake off the coast of Kamchatka.  A tsunami alert was issued, and the ferry was not allowed to approach the coast.  So we had to spend an extra day and an extra night on the ferry, waiting for the tsunami alert to be lifted. 

With no internet connection and no tv signal, I listened again and again to the same short playlist of songs.  The line, “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave,” started to sound ironic. 

There was a kiosk on the ferry, selling snacks, cup noodles and a little alcohol.  After the announcement of the tsunami alert, a huge queue formed at the kiosk and people came away with armfuls of instant food.  My wife bought some frozen edamame shelled peas, as well as crisps and chocolate.  It was lucky that we did buy snacks, because the restaurant was running out of food.  All of the 900 or so passengers were offered a free dinner.  We all got a half sized portion of rice with a little curry sauce.  The only solid food I found in the curry was a 2cm square cube of carrot.  Also, the curry was spicy, which made it hard for the children on board to eat. 

Luckily, before we left Tokyo, I had told my son that the most fun part of the trip would probably be the time we spent on the ferry, the Sunflower.  So he didn’t seem too disappointed to be stuck on it.  He walked out onto the deck many times and gazed at the sea and the land of Hokkaido.  Our ferry was soon joined by a long line of other ships, retreating out of the port to avoid any damage from the tsunami. 

At one point, the captain made an announcement.  “We cannot enter port until the tsunami alert is lifted.  We have enough fuel for the time being.  So please don’t worry,” he said.  I hadn’t been worrying until that point.  It hadn’t occurred to me that we might be running out of fuel. 

“Relax, said the nightman – You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave…” 

At last we did get permission to enter the port.  Then we had to decide how to cram three planned days of activities into one afternoon and evening, and one morning.  And for the next few days, I couldn’t stop the feeling that I was slowly swaying from side to side.  My legs were still in the Hotel California.

 

One Week Down －１週間が過ぎた－

It has been one week since my son started his school summer holidays. 

I took him out shopping with me this morning, and he was mostly helpful.  He let me put my hand on his shoulder and he guided me around the supermarket, picking out the things I wanted to buy.  We met the mother of one of his friends working at the checkout, who said hello to him. 

The problem of the summer holidays is finding ways to fill my son’s time.  Taking a walk to the supermarket, or letting him help with the cooking or washing up can help to break up the day.  Unfortunately, it can also lead to problems.  My son used the same spoon to scoop out some dressing and to scoop out sesame seeds, making all of the seeds dirty this morning. This caused a row with his mother. 

I mentioned last week that we got our son his first computer game to give him another way to kill time at home.  We got him the very old fashioned game Pong.  To win the game, you have to hit a ball across the screen to your opponent’s side, like a game of table tennis.  Because my son had never played a computer game before, he was very slow to pick up the idea of the game.  He couldn’t beat his computer opponent, and was getting very frustrated and angry.  So I suggested that he play a game against me. 

“He will gain some confidence from beating me,” I thought. 

I sat on the right side of the computer, and my son was on the left.  I am of course blind, so I was randomly moving the paddle up and down. 

“Ping, pong, ping!  The right player has won!” said the computer.  Somehow, my son had lost to a blind man.  No wonder he couldn’t beat his computer opponent. 

After a few days, my son got the hang of Pong and now beats the computer almost every time.  Pong was free.  We are thinking about buying the 1988 version of Double Dragon for 500 Yen next.  So the sounds will change from “Ping, pong, ping,” to “Bash, Crunch, Bash,” as it is a martial arts “beat-em-up” game.  And perhaps we can get through another week…

 

Vocabulary:

a row – a noisy disturbance or quarrel

[eg. He had a row with his girlfriend about money.]

a paddle – an alternate word for a table tennis racket.  According to Wikipedia, the official word is “racket” but it is generally called a “paddle” in America and a “bat” in Europe and Asia

beat-em-up – a genre of computer game, from the phrase “beat them up”.  It involves a character punching and kicking opponents

 

Ping, Ping －ピッピッ－

My son will be nine years old next month.  He said to my wife recently, “Today I was given the cold shoulder by my friends.” 

“Why were they ignoring you?” she asked. 

“Well,” he said.  “They asked me what computer games I played.  And all I could say was that I played a computer version of shogi (Japanese chess), and did English on line practice drills.” 

No wonder his friends left him out of their conversations about Splattoon and Mindcraft. 

Until now I haven’t let my son play computer games.  We don’t even have a television at home. 

There have been good things arising from this.  My son loves reading books.  To my mind, that is a more meaningful and useful hobby than watching tv or killing virtual monsters. 

But having said that, I played computer games myself when I was young.  I got particularly into a game called “Civilization” in which you have to build cities, discover new technologies faster than your opponents, and ultimately either conquer the world or be the first civilization to colonise space.  If I survived a childhood with computer games, then my son ought to be able to also. 

So with the school summer holidays starting from this afternoon, I have decided to compromise.  We have downloaded a pc game for my son to play.  I don’t want him to jump straight in with the most modern, 3D, fun and addictive game available.  So I have decided to go retro.  We have downloaded a pc version of “Pong”.  Pong was first released in 1972 by Atari.  It is one of the simplest games imaginable.  It is essentially a computerized version of table tennis (or ping pong), with the player able to move a line up and down one side of the screen to intercept a little block representing a ball, and thus direct it back across the screen. 

Am I being cruelly strict?  If he doesn’t get too addicted then perhaps we can slowly build up through Space Invaders and Pac-Man.  By the end of the school holidays, my son might have advanced all the way to the computer games of 1980.  Or perhaps he will decide computer games are overrated and go back to his books.

 

Vocabulary:

to give someone the cold shoulder – to deliberately ignore someone or treat them in an unfriendly way

[eg., Since I forgot her birthday, she’s been giving me the cold shoulder.]

 

Saying the Wrong Thing －口を滑らすことー

My wife recently met my eight year old son’s school teacher, to hear about how he is getting on in class. 

“Oh, thank goodness,” he said.  “I can think of a few things I can say about your son.” 

It sounded very strange to my wife.  It sounded like there were some kids in the class about which the teacher could think of nothing to say at all. 

“Well, Ms. Tanaka, your son is very, um, average.  Very normal.  Good job.” 

In one of my lessons, I ask my students if they have ever regretted expressing themselves poorly or saying the wrong thing. 

One student answered, “My friend told me she was getting divorced.  Without thinking, I just told her that I was not surprised, and that I had always thought her husband would have an affair.  Thinking about it later, I thought that maybe that was not what she wanted to hear.” 

I once heard this story from a nurse. 

The nurse was walking round the hospital ward to check on the patients she was treating.  There was a bunch of flowers sitting next to an old man lying in his bed. 

“Lovely flowers!” said the nurse.  “I wish I could keep some at home.  But everything I touch dies.” 

Seeing the man’s horrified face, she quickly said, “Flowers!  Just flowers, not people!”

 

A Message from the Ministry of Dreams －夢省からのメッセージー

You have bought your regular lottery ticket.  You don’t expect ever to win big, but it helps you to dream.  If only…

Your phone buzzes and you check the message.  It is from the state owned lottery provider.  It is a notification of a win.

“Congratulations!  You have won 100,000,000 Yen!” 

100 million Yen!  You can’t believe it.  Miracles do happen.  You could buy a house, a sports car, a yacht. 

Hold on a second, there is another message coming through on your phone. 

“The state lottery provider would like to offer its sincere apologies for sending a message to you in error.  Due to a technical fault, the prize money sent in our last communication was inaccurate.  You have in fact won 10,000 Yen.  Congratulations!” 

Something like this actually happened in Norway this week.  The Norwegian state owned lottery provider allows Norwegians to buy tickets for the Euro Jackpot lottery, which is based in Germany.  So the prize money to be provided to Norwegian winners has to be converted from Euro Cents into Norwegian Kroner.  The prize money was supposed to have been divided by 100, but was accidentally instead multiplied by 100.  So the amount that prize winners actually got was 10,000 times smaller than the amount they were told that they were going to get. 

Scrap the purchase of a house, sports car and yacht.  I think I need a 10,000 Yen bottle of whisky instead. It helps me to dream… 

Don’t Let the English See －イギリス人に見せないで－

“para Ingles ver”

for the English to see

a Brazilian Portuguese idiom 

I have been reading a book called “Brazil” by English travel writer, Michael Palin. 

Palin mentioned an interesting idiomatic expression used by the Brazilians, which literally means “for the English to see”, or “for the eyes of the English”. 

The expression is used to indicate that something looks good on paper, but can be ignored in practice.  For example, a company which is exploiting its workers might write in the employment contract that everyone will be paid extra for working overtime.  But that is just for the eyes of the English.  In actual fact, the company lets everyone know that they are expected to work overtime for nothing. 

I laughed when I first heard the idiom, because it seems to encapsulate a stereotype of the English as bureaucratic and the Brazilians as easy-going.  But the origins of the expression are not funny.  In the 19^th century, Britain was the most powerful country in the world.  After making slavery illegal in the British empire, they tried to prevent other countries from buying and selling slaves too.  In the 1830s, Britain insisted that Brazil end slavery.  And so they agreed, for the eyes of the English.  In other words, they superficially agreed to end the slave trade, but it continued quietly.  Slavery was finally abolished in Brazil in 1888.

 

Vocabulary:

to encapsulate something – to express the essential features of something in a short form

[eg., The final sentence encapsulates the theme of the book.]

superficially – only on the surface

[eg., Superficially, it looks like a good deal.  But when you look at the details you will see why it is actually not such a good deal.]

 

A Thirst for the Red Stuff －赤いものへの欲望－

I recently finished reading a book about the history of the samurai period in Japan.  One interesting story from the period was of swords supposedly cursed.  These Muramasa blades were said to thirst for blood.  The madness of their maker’s mind had been passed on to the soul of the sword.  If the blade was unsheathed, it would not allow itself to be sheathed again without tasting blood, sometimes influencing the wielder to commit murder or suicide with the blade in order to satisfy its bloodlust. 

A master swordsmith of the 16^th century founded the Muramasa school of swordsmiths, which created a number of fine blades.  These Muramasa swords were of excellent quality, and were thus popular among the high ranking samurai of the Tokugawa clan around the time of Ieyasu (1543 – 1616).  Coincidentally, a number of relatives of Ieyasu were killed or injured by Muramasa swords.  His grandfather was killed by one in battle, his father was stabbed by one, and his first son was beheaded by a Muramasa blade as a mercy stroke after he had committed seppuku. 

The legend of the curse seems not to have started with Ieyasu himself, who owned two Muramasa swords.  The legend appears in the 18^th century.  The swords became associated with ill fortune for the Tokugawa clan in particular, and thus became desirable items for enemies of the shogunate.  Many kabuki plays stressed the madness and bloodlust that the swords would cause to their wielder. 

Some people may not believe in the curse.  They may say, “It is just a coincidence that one type of sword killed several members of one family.  There is no need of a supernatural explanation.” 

But I am not so sure.  I have seen cursed items before.  I have a cursed wine glass, for example.  Once taken out of the cupboard it will not let itself be put back until its thirst for the red liquid has been quenched.  And people say it drives the person who holds it to madness…

 

Vocabulary:

to be cursed – to have a magical power which brings harm rather than good to the user

[eg., That cursed ring brought bad luck to all those who wore it.]

to unsheathe a blade – to take a blade such as a sword out of its protective covering, ready for use

[eg., Samurai were forbidden to unsheathe their blades inside Edo Castle.]

the wielder (of a sword) – especially of a weapon, the person who holds it

[eg., King Arthur was the wielder of the sword named Excalibur.]

bloodlust – an uncontrollable desire to kill or seriously injure

[eg., Upon seeing his enemy, the warrior’s bloodlust rose, and he charged to attack.]

to quench (a thirst) – to satisfy one’s thirst by drinking

[eg., On a hot day, he stopped at a vending machine to quench his thirst with a bottle of water.]

 

 

A Very Modest Old Clock －とても謙遜した古時計－

I recently listened to an old BBC documentary, made in 1975, about the Glasgow subway (also sometimes called the Glasgow underground).  The documentary was made to celebrate the quaint and old-fashioned nature of the subway before it was upgraded and improved.  Those upgrades were indeed carried out between 1977 and 1980. 

I learned a number of interesting things about the history of the subway, despite being born in Glasgow myself.  As the documentary said, many Glaswegians know little about the subway, because it is so small and limited in the places it can take you.  There is only one line, which goes in a circle both clockwise and anticlockwise.  The full line runs for only 10.5km, and has 15 stops.  It takes a grand total of just 24 minutes to make a full circuit and return to your starting point.  Two of the stops are so close together that it takes the train only 52 seconds to get from one to the other. 

The Glasgow subway is the third oldest in the world.  London’s underground was opened in 1863, and Budapest’s and Glasgow’s subways were both opened in 1896, with Budapest’s opening a little earlier.  At the time of the 1975 documentary, some of the same train carriages were being used as had been first used in 1896.  It is no wonder that the train ride was famous for its “shoogle,” or swinging side to side movement as the trains progressed. 

Because there is only one line, the tracks are not very deep under the ground.  The subway would not make a very good bomb shelter.  In 1942, a German bomb landed on the ground above the subway tunnels, damaging them, and forcing the temporary closure of the line for repairs.  Entrance from the ground level to the shallowest of the station platforms involves walking down just 32 steps. 

A single adult ticket on the Glasgow subway now costs one pound and eighty pence, or about 350 Yen.  That’s very good value for a ride on a living museum piece. 

Vocabulary:

to be quaint – attractively unusual or old fashioned

[eg., Look at that quaint old windmill.  Let’s take a photo!]

to shoogle/ a shoogle – a Scottish slang word, which can be used as a verb or a noun.  We can also use the adjective “shoogly”.  If something shoogles, it sways or wobbles, especially dangerously or unstably.

[eg., A common expression is “His jacket is on a shoogly peg,” literally meaning that his jacket is in danger of falling off an unstable hook, but used to mean that his position or job is unstable and in danger.]

 

A big Appetite

There was an unusual story from Thailand this week.

An elephant managed to escape from a nature reserve.  He wandered 1km away from the park entrance, and went into a corner store.  He then started stealing groceries from the shelves to eat.  He managed to grab nine bags of sweet rice crackers, one sandwich and one banana. 

Perhaps the elephant had heard about the growing popularity of cashless payments? 

I also worry about this elephant’s diet.  Surely a healthy elephant should choose nine bananas and one bag of sweet rice crackers as a snack, not the other way around? 

Congratulations to the impressive corner shop staff members, who bravely shooed the elephant out of the store.  That is one customer I wouldn’t like to make angry.

 

Vocabulary:

to shoo an animal or person (out, away, etc.) – to drive an animal or person (away, out, etc.) by making “shoo” sounds or gestures to encourage them to leave

[eg., a bird was attracted by my lunch.  So I waved my hand at it and tried to shoo it away]

 

How to Save 50 Pounds on Arrival in Turkey －トルコ到着時に50ポンドを節約する方法－

 “Please keep your seatbelts on until the plane has come to a complete stop, and the ‘Fasten Seatbelts’ sign has been turned off.” 

Your plane has successfully landed, and it is now moving slowly forwards to the place where it will park and let the passengers disembark. 

“Nobody will mind if I just unfasten my seatbelt and grab my bag from the overhead locker, so that I am ready to leave, will they?” you think. 

Well, if your plane has landed in Turkey then you are wrong.  Turkish authorities have just introduced a fine of around 50 Pounds for any passenger who unfastens their seatbelt before permission has been granted.  Apparently, more and more people have been ignoring the instruction to wait. 

I must admit that I have unfastened my seatbelt early myself.  After sitting in a plane for hours, you can almost taste the freedom of the outside world.  But if you think rationally about it, it is silly to rush off the plane as fast as possible, only to have to wait for another hour at the baggage reclaim area, hoping to catch a glimpse of your suitcase.

 

Vocabulary:

to disembark – to leave a ship, aircraft or plane

[eg., Please inform the cabin crew if you need some help to disembark.]

 

Vincent’s Ear －ヴィンセントの耳－

“

Starry, starry night,

Flaming flowers that brightly blaze,

Swirling clouds in violet haze,

Reflect in Vincent’s eyes of china blue.

 

Colours changing hue,

Morning fields of amber grain,

Weathered faces lined in pain,

Are soothed beneath the artist’s loving hand.

”

From the Don McLean song, “Vincent”

 

I was discussing Vincent Van Gogh today with an acquaintance.  Inevitably, we discussed the most striking incident in the painter’s life, in which he cut off a part of his ear. 

“Why did he do it, do you think?” she said to me.  “Wasn’t it after an argument with Gauguin?” 

“I think you might be right,” I said.  “What I remember is that after cutting off a piece of his ear, he gave it to a woman called Rachel.” 

That made me wonder what Rachel thought about it all. 

“What’s that, Vincent?  Is it a surprise present for me?  You shouldn’t have!”  … “Vincent, you really shouldn’t have.” 

Poor Rachel must have been nervous any time her birthday or Christmas came round.  “Let’s not exchange presents this year, Vincent.  How about just eating a chocolate cake.  Don’t go to any trouble to get me a present.”

 

Vocabulary:

to blaze – to burn fiercely or brightly

[eg., A warm fire is blazing to keep out the winter cold.]

a hue – a colour or shade

[eg., He painted the sunrise in many different hues of red and pink.]

to be striking – attracting attention because it is unusual or stands out

[eg., Her dyed pink hair is very striking.]

 

Hold on – My Brain is Ringing －ちょっと待って。俺の脳が鳴っている－

“Cell phones are so convenient that they are an inconvenience.”

Haruki Murakami

 

“When [mobile phones] first appeared, they were so cool.  Only when it was too late did people realise that they are as cool as electronic tags on remand prisoners.”

David Mitchell

 

“What about a text message?  Isn’t that just using a telephone as a telegraph?  We’re going backwards.”

Michael Finkel

 

What was life like before mobile phones?

I should remember, since I was a university student when I got my first one.  But it seems like I have gotten as used to having a mobile phone in my pocket as to having a wallet in my pocket, or a pair of glasses on the end of my nose.

I was reading an old novella written by Stephen King.  It was written before mobiles became common.  The main character continually has to find pay phones in order to get in touch with people.  There’s a creepy guy following me around – I wonder if that café will let me borrow their phone so that I can get a taxi?  My house is on fire! – Let’s run back to the pay phone and call the fire brigade!

It is such a different world that it is hard to concentrate on the story.

What will life be like when our mobile phones are just implanted in our brains?:  More convenient, no doubt, especially when dealing with creepy people following us around or sudden house fires.  We could take an instant video of a problem and send it to the emergency services with just a thought.  But in another way, more stressful and inconvenient.  How will we justify ignoring a phone call that is ringing inside our head?

Black Magic, Extra Large － 黒魔術、XLサイズ－

“Wake up, Wendy, smell the coffee… Gimme a cup of that old black magic”

From the song, “Wake up Wendy,” by Elton John

 

“It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.”

Dave Barry

 

“This morning’s forecast: a 100 per cent chance of coffee… At this point in my life, I am more coffee than man.”

Keith Wynn

 

I have just finished today’s cup of coffee.  I tend to drink one cup of coffee and about two cups of tea a day.  Because of the higher caffeine content, I can’t take more than one cup of coffee, or I get a bit shaky and dizzy. 

I noticed that drinking too much coffee had a bad effect on me when I started trembling uncontrollably in a job interview.  Because I didn’t want to be late, I searched for the location of the interview about an hour and a half before I had to be there, and then found a coffee shop in which to kill time.  Several coffees later, I started feeling ill.  The interviewer must have seen my hands trembling and assumed I was really desperate to get the job. 

My body’s reaction to an overdose of caffeine is why I ordered a burger, fries, and a small black coffee in Freshness Burger the other day.  I checked with the staff member.  “The coffee comes as part of a set meal, right?” 

“Right,” he said.  “So that’s a burger, fries and coffee set, with a small black coffee,” he confirmed. 

A few minutes later he brought me my burger, fries, a large black coffee, and a small black coffee.  Apparently the set menu automatically comes with a large drink, and he thought my request of a small coffee was an extra order.  He also must have thought that I was an extreme caffeine addict. 

Double the recommended dose of caffeine?  I don’t think I want to be awake in Nerima that long.

 

Monkey Magic, part 2 －猿魔術 2－

This is the continuation of the story, “The Magic Stone,” written by my son.  The Monkey family wished to have a lot of money, and they appeared inside a bank vault. 

* 

“Quick!” said Mummy Monkey.  “We have to get out of here before someone sees us and calls the police!” 

Daddy Monkey ran towards the magic stone. 

Clock, clack, clock… 

* 

Part 2: 

Daddy Monkey grabbed the stone and said, “I want to be king, and my family to be living in a palace!” 

There was a flash of magic, and the family suddenly appeared inside a palace. 

They were in a large room with expensive looking furniture.  There was a long table with many different kinds of food on it.  There was ham cutlet, tomatoes, pizza and wine. 

“It is good to be the king!” said Daddy Monkey, taking a sip of wine. 

“I wonder if the palace has a massage room?” said Mummy Monkey. 

“I wonder if the palace has a chocolate room?” said Child Monkey. 

“A chocolate room?” said Daddy Monkey. 

Then Child Monkey put a hand to his ear and said, “What is that noise?” 

They all listened.  They could hear bangs and crashes and angry shouts. 

King Daddy Monkey ran to the window.  “Oh, dear,” he said.  “The subjects of my kingdom are attacking our palace.  Maybe we have been demanding too much ham cutlet…?” 

Child Monkey put one hand in front of his mouth, and chewed his ham cutlet as fast as he could. 

Just then there was a loud bang on the door.  The angry mob of revolutionaries was just outside. 

Mummy Monkey ran to the magic stone. 

Crash! 

Quickly she made the final wish… 

When the flash of magic died away, Child Monkey looked around.  They were back home in their tree house.  There were no piles of money.  There was no table of luxurious food, only a few bananas sitting on a rough wooden table. 

Mummy Monkey spoke.  “We may not have much money, and may not live in a big house.  But it is good to be home.” 

The end

Monkey Magic, part 1－猿魔術－

It was my wife’s birthday recently.  As a birthday present, my eight year old son decided to write a short story for his mother.  I helped him, and this is the story we came up with together.

 

The Magic Stone, part 1:

 

There was a family of monkeys.  There was Mummy Monkey, Daddy Monkey, and Child Monkey. 

One day, Child Monkey found a very interesting stone.  It was a magic stone. 

The stone spoke to Child Monkey.  It said, “I will give you three wishes.  What do you wish for?” 

Child Monkey did not think for long. He said, “I wish for our family to have a lot of money.” 

There was a flash of magic.  Suddenly, there was money all around.  Daddy Monkey picked up a big pile of bank notes. 

“We are rich!” Daddy Monkey said.  “I will buy the electric guitar of a famous rock musician, and sing songs all day.” 

“And I will buy the biggest tv in the world, and watch Dragonball all day,” said Child Monkey. 

Then Mummy Monkey said, “Oh, dear.  Do you know why there is money all around us?  We have been teleported inside a bank!” 

Clack, clock, clack! 

There was the sound of footsteps from the corridor just outside the room with the money.  They were coming towards the door. 

“Quick!” said Mummy Monkey.  “We have to get out of here before someone sees us and calls the police!” 

Daddy Monkey ran towards the magic stone. 

Clock, clack, clock…

 

Stretching the Years －年伸ばし－

Have you ever heard a dog owner talking about the age of their dog, and using the term, “dog years?” 

Dogs obviously mature more quickly than humans, and have a shorter life expectancy.  So to give humans a rough idea of how mature their dog is, the concept of “dog years” can be useful.

According to this concept, after one year, a dog is 15 years old in dog years.  At the age of 2, they are 24 years old in dog years.  And each year after that, they age 5 dog years.  So a 6 year old dog would be in middle age, or about 44 years old in dog years. 

As a man in middle age, I have recently been thinking about the course of life, pensions and so on.  But it occurred to me that since I am married to a Japanese woman, who has a longer life expectancy than I do, I have to think in terms similar to dog years.  According to Wikipedia, the average life expectancy at birth for a man born in Glasgow (my home town) is 73.6 years.  Yet the average life expectancy for a woman born in Japan is 87.1 years. 

I reckon that I can calculate my age in “Japanese woman years” by dividing my age by 73.6, and then multiplying the result by 87.1. 

By that calculation, although I am 44 years old, I become about 52 years old in JW Years. 

No wonder my knees are painful, and I can’t remember names like I used to. 

Japanese women can do the calculation in reverse, in order to find their age in “Glaswegian man years.”  So a 50 year old woman becomes 42 GM Years old. 

I am a very popular man with older Japanese women.

 

Childhood Friends? －幼なじみ？－

I recently read a short story by Ray Bradbury, which starts with the main character planning to commit “the perfect murder”. 

He is now a middle aged man with a wife and children.  But he can’t stop thinking back to his childhood, and his relationship with his best friend.  Although they were ostensibly friends, the other child treated the main character poorly in many ways, and seemed to look down on him.  The main character always went to his friend’s house to invite him to play, never the other way round.  The friend played tricks on the main character, cruelly teasing and making fun of him.  Since the main character had no other friends, he accepted this low level bullying, until his family moved away from the area when he was twelve years old. 

Now thirty years later, the main character plans to find his old friend and murder him for the remembered bullying.  But when the two middle aged men meet, the one who had been a child bully has become sick and lonely, and the main character decides to let him live. 

It made me wonder which of my childhood friends I might one day decide to murder, and why.  More worryingly, it made me wonder which of my childhood friends might one day decide to murder me, and why. 

On a snowy winter’s day in Scotland, I saw a dirty brown mess that a dog had left on the pavement.  I piled some snow on top of the mess.  Then I took a friend round to the spot and said, “Look how deep that pile of snow is.  I bet that you are not brave enough to jump into it!” 

The poor boy jumped straight in. 

Worse things than that happened to me as a child.  My older brother’s friend had an air gun.  When I was only five or six years old, he chased me around the house with the gun, saying that he was going to shoot me.  I picked up a thick book and held it in front of my head.  Then my brother’s friend fired the air gun, and a little pellet hit the book in front of my face, and made a big hole in the book that nearly went all the way through to the other side. 

It is a wonder that any boys survive childhood at all.

 

Vocabulary:

ostensibly – apparently; on the face of it

[eg., The prime minister resigned, ostensibly for health reasons.  But many people believe that he had actually lost support from within his party.]