Running out of sympathy with a runny nose －鼻水に対する同情を使いきる－

Normally when you catch a cold, one of the first things that you do is to look for sympathy from other people.  You don’t call it a cold.  You call it something that sounds a bit worse.  “I’ve got a touch of the flu.”  Or, “I think I’ve caught that bug that’s going round.”

Then everyone will feel a little more sympathy for your suffering.  “Do you have a fever?” they ask.

“Well, no.  Not really,” you say.  “I’ve got a sore throat and a runny nose...  But I might come down with a fever at any moment!”

This is a natural human reaction.  It’s not nice to have a sore throat or runny nose.  You can’t sleep well at night.  Every bin in the house becomes nothing but a soggy pile of used tissues.  But people who only catch a cold once or twice a year quickly forget how bad your suffering is.  So it is necessary to exaggerate a little in order to get the sympathy and moral support which will help you recover.

I now have a sore throat.  It seems very much like the beginning of a cold.  I should be exaggerating my symptoms and getting people to say, “There there.  You poor thing.  Hang in there,” or “Let me cook dinner.  You had better rest up in bed.”

But I’m too embarrassed to do it again.  This is my fourth cold in a row.  I have had nothing but one cold after another since about February.  So instead I try to hide my coughs from friends and students.  Rather than exaggerating I find myself playing the symptoms down.  “Sorry.  I think my hayfever is causing me problems again,” I say as I try to breathe after a long cough.

And anyway, my wife and baby son are both coughing too.  They deserve at least as much sympathy as I do.  The bins in our house are going to stay soggy for a while yet.

 

Vocabulary:

“a touch of (the flu)” - a casual phrase, meaning that you have (the flu), but just a little bit

a bug – a casual expression for a virus

to come down with (a fever) – to contract (a fever); to get (a fever)

soggy – of an item such as a tissue or piece of paper, to be so full of water or liquid that it loses its shape

to exaggerate – to make something seem bigger, more important, worse etc. than it really is

in a row - consecutively

to play (something) down – to make (something) seem smaller, less important, less bad etc. than it really is

 

Eating with your ears, eyes, magnets and perhaps even your mouth －耳で、目で、マグネットを使いながら、もしかしたら口さえ使いながら食事をすること－

A man decides to ask his food loving girlfriend to marry him.  He wants to ensure that the event is as special and memorable as possible.  So he books the most expensive restaurant he can find.  It has a set cost of 255 pounds per person, or around 400 pounds with wine.  So the whole night comes to 800 pounds, but hopefully you only propose marriage once, right?

The man waits for the perfect moment.  He hopes for a little quiet time between courses, when the conversation is warm and the taste of the last exquisite dish lingers in the mouth.  Unfortunately, it seems that each time a course finishes, a member of staff comes over to tell the couple what time it is.  This is not the real time, you understand, but the time in the fantasy “journey” of the meal.  The meal is meant to replicate a trip to the seaside, including changes in time, mood and weather, all spread over 17 courses.

At last, just before the 16^th course, the man finds a little peace in which to propose.  It has been a strange evening, but he and his girlfriend have been well fed, and are feeling light-headed from the expensive wines.  It’s now or never.  He gets down on one knee, pulls out a box containing the ring from his pocket... And a waiter comes over.”The day is coming to an end, and we will now enjoy a dish called The Sound of the Sea.  Please put on these headphones while you eat your seafood.”

*

I don’t suppose that a theatrical restaurant like this would be good for a man proposing marriage to his partner.  Nor would it be good for anyone who just wanted to enjoy some nice food and conversation.  But according to a BBC programme I listened to this week [Start the Week on Radio 4], this kind of “spectacular dining experience” is becoming popular at elite restaurants.  These restaurants use sounds, smells and visual gimmicks to “enhance” the experience of eating.  The 17 course meal in the fictional story above is based on a real one offered at a restaurant called The Fat Duck in England.  Apparently, the gimmicks include hidden magnets to make some dishes appear to float in the air.  And the cheapest course really does cost 255 pounds per person.

I don’t object to anyone mixing theatre with eating.  But if you take the idea too far, what started as adding a little theatre to a lovely meal changes to having a little bit of lovely food with your long theatrical production.  As a blind diner, I sometimes have enough difficulty picking up food from fancy but impractically designed plates without trying to deal with dishes floating above hidden magnets.  I think I’ll stick to the hummus and falafel set with pita bread at a nice local restaurant.  Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer to enjoy food with my mouth and my nose than with headphones, magnets or gadgets.

 

Vocabulary:

to ensure – to make sure; to make certain

exquisite – extremely beautiful and delicate

to linger – to stay or remain; to be slow to disappear

to replicate – to recreate; to copy

to get down on one knee – a traditional way for a man to propose marriage to a woman

a gimmick – a trick designed to attract attention, customers etc.

to enhance – to improve; to make better

hummus and falafel – types of food made with chick peas which are popular in the Middle East

Why do we allow horrible treatment just to save a few pennies? －どうしてほんの少しのお金を節約するために、ひどいサービスを許すの？－

A man goes to a bar with a group of friends for some drinks.  He buys a round of beers, paying in advance.  Then he cheerfully carries the tray of drinks back to his friends.  Everybody settles back into their chairs and gets ready to say “Cheers!”  Just then the barman and three heavy set bouncers saunter over.

“Right lads,” says the barman, “We are all thirstier than we expected, and we have run out of beer.  Four of you had better hand over your drinks.”

There is a stunned silence.

The barman narrows his eyes and tries again.  “I’ll give you two pounds in compensation, and you can come back to pick up the beer you have paid for tomorrow.”

The little group are all thinking, “But we’ve already paid for our beers.  How can you demand them back?  And we don’t want to drink beer tomorrow.  We have made plans for tonight!”

The barman is getting exasperated.  “I don’t know how you can all be so selfish!  I’ll give you four pounds in compensation then.  It’s my final offer.  Any takers?  No?  All right.  You, you, you, and you.”  He angrily jabs his fingers at four paying customers.  “Take the four pounds voluntarily, or I’ll get these bouncers to drag you out violently.  I’m perfectly within my rights, you know.” 

*

The above situation in a bar is entirely made up.  But it is of course very similar to what happened on an American United Airlines flight a few days ago.  The flight was overbooked, and the airline wanted to seat four of their crew members.  So they forced four passengers to leave the aircraft, paying them a little money in compensation.  One passenger resisted leaving the seat he had paid for, and was violently dragged off the plane.

I’m sure most people will have seen the video by now.

I just can’t believe that this was all perfectly legal and within the rules for airlines.  Airlines often deliberately overbook their flights, expecting that some passengers probably won’t turn up.  And if everyone does turn up, you get problems like the one United Airlines faced this week.

But perhaps the most disappointing thing is that customers seem increasingly content to put up with awful service and treatment on planes, as long as the tickets are cheap.  But how much more expensive would the tickets really be if the airlines were banned from deliberately overbooking their flights?  Isn’t it worth paying just a little bit more in order to avoid the risk of being physically dragged off a flight by security staff who should instead be looking for terrorists?

We wouldn’t accept such an awful level of service in a bar.  Why should it be considered acceptable when flying? 

 

Vocabulary:

heavy-set – of a person, broad and strong

a bouncer – someone employed at a bar, night club etc. to prevent trouble or deal with violent customers

to saunter – to walk in a slow, relaxed manner

lads – a slang term for young men

stunned – astonished or shocked into inaction

compensation – money paid to someone because of injury, damage, inconvenience etc. that they have suffered

exasperated – extremely irritated or annoyed

to jab – to poke roughly, especially with something pointed

to drag – to pull roughly along the ground

made up - fictional

 

How Jan found Paradise covered in snow －ヤンさんはどのようにして雪に覆われた天国を見つけたのですか－

I read a very funny news story a few days ago about a traveller who made a big mistake.  Unfortunately, the BBC article was very poorly written.  Many of the important details were left out or unclear.  The article said that this happened to a student from Holland.  But what kind of student?  If it was a high school student, then he deserves more sympathy for his mistake.  But I suppose it was a university student.  There was no name given, probably to save the poor student’s blushes.  So let’s call him Jan.  There were very few quotes or explanations in the article, so I’ll have to guess some of the details.  But the main events actually happened.

In summary, Jan wanted to take a relaxing holiday by the beach.  So he decided to go to Australia and looked on line for some flights from Amsterdam to Sydney.  The flights were all quite expensive until he found a single flight that was much cheaper than the others.  Oddly, it seemed to get to Australia in a very roundabout way.  Rather than having to transfer somewhere in the middle, like Dubai or Singapore, the flight transferred at Toronto in Canada.

“That’s strange,” thought Jan.  “Usually flights from Europe to Australia go East and South.  You have to go south at some point, since Australia is on the opposite side of the Earth.  This one starts by flying thousands of miles due West.  I suppose the inconvenience of the detour is why it is so cheap.  But at this price I can’t complain.”

Jan packed his bags full of all the correct gear – sunglasses, shorts, sun block, a beach ball, and plenty of Australian dollars.  Satisfied that he had prepared for every eventuality, he boarded the flight, and landed some hours later in Toronto, Canada.

What did Jan think as he waited to change planes?  Did he check his tickets again, and wonder at the amazingly short flight that was going to take him all the way around the world to Sydney?

“It says here that the flight takes only two hours and twenty minutes.  That can’t be accurate.  It must be some bizarre effect of flying through so many time zones.  I’ve heard about that.  You can fly for twenty hours and arrive at roughly the same time you started.  Everything’s fine.  I can’t wait to see those Aussie beauties in their bikinis on Bondi Beach!”

Did Jan feel a sliver of doubt as he saw the plane he had to board?  It was not a huge jumbo jet, but a tiny little plane.  If he did have doubts, he still got on board without questioning any of the airline staff.

Two hours later he looked down at the icy, snow covered beaches around Sydney, Nova Scotia.  Then the plane landed at the little airport of the less famous Sydney: the one on a cold, windswept Canadian island, the one with a population of 31,000.  It began to snow hard, the flakes swirling around in a biting wind.

Well, what would you have done?

Jan looked at his sunglasses, his shorts, his beach ball, his sun block, and his Australian dollars.  He looked at the blizzard which was beginning to build outside.  And he turned around and took a flight to Toronto, and then another flight back to Amsterdam.  And perhaps went to bed, thinking about the proverb, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”

I like Jan.  I’m glad that the BBC article didn’t give his name.  I imagine that he will never be allowed to forget his misadventure.  In forty years his family and friends will still be teasing him about his mistake.

“Hey Jan!  Could you pick up a packet of tissues from 7/11?  No need to go to Sydney.  The 7/11 at the bottom of the street will be fine.”

“Where’s Jan.  He’s quite late, isn’t he?”

“Yeah.  He probably got on the wrong bus and is half way to Nova Scotia by now.”

Thanks, Jan.  I wish you well on your future travels.  You put a smile on my face. 

Vocabulary:

to save one’s blushes – to prevent one from becoming embarrassed

due (west) – directly (to the west)

a detour – a long way around; an alternate route, longer than the originally planned journey

gear – equipment; things

an eventuality – a possible event; something which might happen

accurate - correct

bizarre - strange

Aussie – slang for Australian

a sliver – a tiny piece or fragment

to swirl – to move in a twisting pattern, like smoke in a light wind

to tease someone – to make fun of someone; to laugh at someone