Naughty, naughty －なんて悪い子なんでしょう－

“Now listen carefully,” said God. “I’m going to give you a whole garden full of fruits nuts and berries to eat.  Take as much as you like.  Try the oranges – they’re delicious.  But I’ve got just one small request: Don’t eat any of the apples from this tree.  It’s my special tree, and I’m going to make some lovely apple cider for myself as a treat for all the work I’ve been doing recently.  That’s fair, isn’t it?.”

God went away, and the humans felt very naughty.

“Welcome to Thailand.  Feel free to enjoy the sunshine and beaches, drink beer, eat green curry, and explore our ancient temples.  Oh, we have just one small request.  Don’t pull your trousers down inside the temples to take photos of your bum.  They are our special temples, and we like to keep the atmosphere respectful so that we can go to Heaven after we die.  That’s fair, isn’t it?”

The Thai authorities went away, and the tourists felt very naughty.

In the Bible story, the first humans ignored God’s reasonable request, and ate the apples.  They were then punished and thrown out of Paradise.  And in Thailand this week, two American tourists ignored the authorities’ reasonable request, and took pictures of their exposed bums inside a temple.  They are to be fined and thrown out of Thailand.

Will humans never learn?  We seem to be irrepressibly naughty by nature.  As soon as someone sets a rule, we want to break it.  As soon as we are told not to do something, we want to do it.

Maybe governments should start using reverse-psychology to improve society.  To tackle obesity, they could set up gardens full of healthy fruit and vegetables and then tell people not to eat them.  Very soon, black market carrot dealers and spinach pushers will be selling the food to naughty teenagers.

Don’t recommend this blog to your friends.  It’s a secret.

Vocabulary:

One’s bum – the part of the body that one sits on

the authorities – the people in charge; the people who make the rules

exposed – of something usually supposed to be hidden, to be visible or in the open

irrepressibly – in a way that cannot be contained, held back, stopped etc.

reverse-psychology – the idea of getting someone to do something by telling them to do the opposite

obesity – the state of being very fat or overweight

black market – illegal to sell, but available unofficially

a pusher – slang for a drug dealer

If only... － ・・・だったら良かったのに－

I read today that a graduate of Oxford University, who got an upper second class degree, is suing the university for a million pounds because he didn’t get a first class degree.  He is not claiming that there was any mistake in the marking of his exam papers or essays.  He just claims that he should have been taught better so that he could have gotten a first class degree.  He is unemployed now and thinks that he would have earned much more money if he had gotten the top degree award.

I wonder if perhaps he should have just studied harder instead of blaming his teachers for ruining his life?  We could all look back and say “If only...” but maybe we should take some responsibility for our own failings.

Failings?  Most people would be delighted with a second class degree from one of the top universities in the world.  Stop complaining and go out and find a job!

But in case he wins I am preparing three lawsuits of my own.

If only chocolate covered almonds weren’t so delicious, I wouldn’t have toothache.  I am going to sue Meiji chocolatiers for 1 thousand pounds for damaging my teeth.

If only the Scottish football team hadn’t been so rubbish over the last twenty years, I could have met beautiful Brazilians and Italians at the World Cup and been happy.  I am going to sue the Scottish Football Association for 1 million pounds for making me so depressed.

If only my nursery school teacher had been Bill Gates, I would have learned computer programming before everyone else.  I am going to sue my nursery school for 1 billion pounds for not giving me the chance to conquer the world like Mark Zuckerberg.

If only I had bought that lottery ticket...

Vocabulary:

a degree – a qualification given by a university or college for completing a course of study

to sue – to challenge in a court of law; to try to get money in damages from a person or company

to claim something – to say that something is true when the facts are in question

unemployed – without having a job

to ruin something – to spoil something; to make something worthless

a failing – a weakness, especially in a person’s character

a lawsuit – a legal action to get money in damages

a nursery school – a school for very young children, before primary (elementary) school

 

Indulge me, Grandpa －ぼくを甘やかして、おじいちゃん－

Thank you for filling out this short survey about looking after children.  Find out what kind of care-giver you are at the end of the survey.

Question 1:

The child is in a bad mood, and won’t stop screaming and shouting, even though there seems to be no reason for it.  Do you...

A – Grit your teeth and wait for the temper tantrum to pass?

B – Run into the kitchen to get some sugary snacks and bribe the child into being quiet?

Question 2:

The child is full of energy and constantly asks you to play or run around with them.  Do you...

A – Run around and play with the child, as far as your own energy will allow?

B – Turn on the television and try to get the child to sit quietly for a while to give you peace?

Question 3:

You are desperate for a cigarette, but have to stay in and look after the child.  Do you...

A – Chew some chewing gum and try hard not to think about cigarettes?

B – Think to yourself, “What the hell - just one won’t hurt the baby!” and smoke a cigarette?

If your answers were mostly As – You are probably a parent.

If your answers were mostly Bs – You are probably a grandparent.

*

That’s unfair, of course.  Many grandparents are great at looking after children.  I wish my parents were close enough to help look after my son from time to time.

But a recent study by Glasgow University showed that being regularly cared for by a grandparent can have a negative effect on a child’s health.  People who had often been looked after by their grandparents when they were children had, on average, worse health than those who hadn’t.  The researchers said that grandparents often indulge the children with sweets and unhealthy snacks.  They also on average give the children less exercise, and smoke more often in front of them.  All of these factors combine to give the children poorer health later in life.

But let’s not take the results of this research too far.  Part of the role of grandparents is to indulge children.  How sad would it be as a child if you were taken to your grandparents to eat dry carrots and rye bread, and to run on an exercise machine?

Vocabulary:

to indulge someone – to treat someone to luxury

to grit one’s teeth – to press one’s teeth together hard in order to bear something difficult such as pain or frustration

a temper tantrum – a sudden childish display of anger

to bribe someone – to pay someone with money or gifts to win their favour

“What the hell” – In this article, the phrase is used to show that someone has decided to give up, or has decided to indulge themselves (eg. “I probably shouldn’t do it.  Oh, what the hell!  I’ll just do it.”)

to have a negative effect on something – to make something worse

a factor – one cause when there is more than one cause

 

Sweet, sweet – the memories －甘い、甘い―その思い出－

“Sweet, sweet – the memories you gave to me,

You can’t beat – the memories you gave to me.”

From the Dean Martin song, “Memories are made of this”

According to an article I read today, the earliest memory that most people have comes from when they were four years old.

This is true for me too.  My earliest memory is of my first day at primary school.  I remember being excited to go there, and then realising that I was going to be left alone to work things out in a scary new world.  So I felt abandoned and started crying.

Or was that my first day in Japan?  Or my first day after getting married?  My memories are all a little confused.

But anyway, people usually don’t remember anything that happened to them when they were zero, one, two or three years old.  Reading that made me a little sad.  After all, my son is now one year old.  For all the effort I put into playing with him, all the times I pick him up after he has fallen, all the dirty nappies I have helped him change – he won’t remember any of it.

“What have you ever done for me?” he will ask, and mean it.

I suppose that the only comforting thought is that I don’t remember my mum wiping my bottom either.

But the article I read was about an extremely rare group of people who can remember almost every incident in their life.  Researchers have only found about sixty of these people anywhere in the world.

One of these people, an autistic woman with an amazing memory, was interviewed on the BBC recently.  Her earliest memory is from when she was about one week old.  She can remember being wrapped in a pink blanket.  She remembers being able to recognise her mother around that time.  She can remember the first time she decided to try to walk, to get a closer look at a fascinating object that was near her.

Still, there are at least some limits to memory.  She doesn’t remember anything that happened before she was one week old.  And it’s probably just as well.

Vocabulary:

primary school – British English for elementary school

to work something out – to solve something; to become able to do or deal with something

to abandon (passive, to be abandoned) – to leave something, and to stop looking after or caring for it

a nappy – British English for a diaper; things worn by babies or others who cannot use a toilet

rare – uncommon; unusual

an incident – one event which has happened

autistic – having autism, a mental condition present from early childhood which often causes difficulties in using language and forming relationships

fascinating – extremely interesting

“It’s just as well.” – of a situation or outcome, it is better this way; it is lucky that it happened like this, etc.

 

Batman is not available at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. －バットマンはただ今電話に出ることができません。発信音のあとにメッセージをお話しください。－

Indiana Jones has never given out his phone number in a movie.  Nor has Batman, nor Princess Leia.

Okay, Princess Leia didn’t have a mobile phone.  They don’t seem to have been invented in the galaxy far, far away in Star Wars.  Maybe you can’t get a good signal on the death star.

But Batman could have a mobile phone, couldn’t he?  It would be very useful as a way of keeping in touch with Robin.  But you never see him giving out his number.

And in fact no character in a Hollywood movie ever tells another character their phone number.  In order to be realistic, the phone number would have to have the correct number of digits.  So a real person might have that phone number.  And after the movie finishes... suddenly the poor person would get thousands of calls from people asking, “Hello, is Indiana Jones there?”

Sadly for one rickshaw driver, the Bangladeshi movie industry doesn’t seem to have realised this.

According to a news article I read today, a real phone number was accidentally used in a Bangladeshi movie.  The most famous and popular actor in Bangladesh was playing the romantic lead, and his character gave the number to his girlfriend.

In the real world, a rickshaw driver suddenly got 500 calls in five days from female fans of the actor.  The rickshaw driver said that he couldn’t change his phone number in case his customers were unable to contact him.  And he is suing the actor, hoping to get £45,000 in damages.

I just wonder if the rickshaw driver, instead of complaining about the calls, could have gotten some benefit from them?  He got 500 calls from women obsessed with this actor.  And let’s face it – they can’t be very smart.  I mean, they don’t seem to have been able to tell the difference between movies and the real world.  “What do you mean that this isn’t the number of Indiana Jones?  I heard Indiana say it in the movie!”

Couldn’t the rickshaw driver have said something like, “Yes, this is Indiana Jones.  But I’m always being bothered by my fans so I have disguised myself as a humble rickshaw driver.  I would love to go on a date with you.  But don’t be surprised if I look and sound nothing like I do in the movies.  And you’ll have to pay for the dinner, too.  If a poor rickshaw driver was seen paying for a gorgeous meal, it would break the disguise.”

Time to hang up.

Vocabulary:

a galaxy – a group of many stars and planets

to keep in touch with someone – to stay in contact with someone

a digit – as several letters together can make a word, several digits (0, 1, 2 etc.) can make a larger number

a rickshaw – a vehicle pulled by a person

to be obsessed – to like or think about something so much that it becomes an illness

to be bothered – to be inconvenienced; to be made to suffer slightly

to disguise oneself – to change one’s appearance in order not to be recognised

humble – in this sentence, humble means of low social rank or low importance