How I came to hate the figure 8%, and what I intend to do about it －どのようにして私が8％という数字を嫌いになったか。そして、私がそれについてどうしようと思っているか。－

Nobody likes to pay tax.  But somehow the government has to pay for schools, hospitals, roads etc.  So this is not a complaint about having to pay tax.

It is a complaint about being tricked by shops which want to make the price appear lower than it actually is.

I went to a supermarket called Seiyu to buy groceries the other day.  I chose the items I needed, took them to the cash register and paid the amount I was asked to pay.  They added 8 per cent to the final bill because of Japan’s sales tax.  I knew that they did this, but didn’t really notice because it is too difficult for me to keep calculating the cost of all my items plus 8 per cent.  So I usually don’t think about it.  I just hope that I’m carrying enough money.

But then my wife called me and asked me to buy some milk.  I had to go back to Seiyu and buy just this one item.

The advertised price was 218 yen.  As I was waiting in the queue to pay, I looked through my wallet and took out the exact amount.  I had forgotten that this price didn’t include the sales tax, so I was very annoyed when I was asked to pay 235 yen.

If you are going to charge me 235 yen then advertise the price as 235 yen!  If JR says that a train journey will take 10 minutes, then I expect it to take ten minutes, not 10.8 minutes because the advertised schedule doesn’t include the time needed to speed up and slow down.

The stupid thing is that not every shop or business does the same thing.  Some supermarkets list the price including tax.  Some don’t.  Some restaurants list the price of the meal including tax.  Some don’t.  So you have to pay very close attention or you may be surprised by the final bill.

I am going to start a campaign to change this stupid mess of a system.

Tomorrow I am going to buy a carton of milk and a pack of natto (smelly fermented soy beans).  When the staff tries to add 8 per cent to the bill, I will say, “Well, since I only brought the exact amount of money needed to pay the advertised price, let’s do this instead.  I’ll give you back 8 per cent of the contents of my items.”

I’ll pour some milk onto the cash register and throw some smelly, sticky beans at the manager.

And after that I suppose I’ll be sent to jail for 1.08 years.

Vocabulary:

to trick someone (passive, to be tricked) – to hide the truth from someone or make them believe something false

to calculate something – to add, subtract, multiply etc. to find the correct number or figure

a mess – an untidy state; something badly organised

smelly – having a bad or unpleasant smell

fermented – of food such as cheese or wine, left for a long time so that it is no longer fresh but is still edible

ps.  This blog is intended to be humorous.  Please do not throw natto at your local supermarket.  That would be a waste of smelly beans.

 

Micro-cheating and other micro-actions －ミクロの浮気と、その他のミクロの行動－

I asked one of my female students this week about micro-cheating.

The idea that couples should be careful of micro-cheating has been put forward recently by an Australian psychologist.  She suggested that before someone in a relationship cheats on their partner - in other words has a secret relationship with another person - they will probably be guilty of micro-cheating.  According to this psychologist, micro-cheating means small examples of someone keeping secrets from their partner or focussing instead on another person.

One of the examples she gave was that of someone contacting their ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend to say, “Happy birthday!” on their birthday.  I used this as a topic of conversation with my student, and asked her, “So what do you think?  Do you think that is micro-cheating?”

“That’s not micro,” she said coldly.

“Well,” I said,  “Someone in a relationship replies to another friend’s Facebook post with a heart emoji.  Is that micro-cheating?  Or someone saves another person’s number in their phone, but changes their name.  Is that micro-cheating?”

“That’s NOT micro!”

This was turning into a very difficult English lesson.

For me, the odd point about the phrase micro-cheating is one of branding.  Every action or every problem must have had smaller events or examples leading up to it.  Before having a secret affair, someone might have sent a heart emoji to another person.  But sending a heart emoji doesn’t always lead to an affair.  Using the phrase micro-cheating is just a way of making that action sound more serious than it really is.

What if we did the same thing with other actions or problems?

“My wife was micro-violent towards me today.”  She tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention.  Why didn’t she just say my name?

“This morning I micro-murdered my boss.”  I gave him a cigarette.

“I ran a micro-marathon last week.”  I ran twenty metres to catch the bus.

Please leave plenty of heart emojis in the comments section.  My wife is a very understanding woman.

Vocabulary:

to put forward (an idea) – to suggest or promote (an idea)

a psychologist – someone who studies human behaviour, relationships etc.

to focus on something – to make something the centre of your attention

one’s ex-(boyfriend) – one’s former (boyfriend); a (boyfriend) that one has broken up with

odd - strange

branding – the idea of changing the image of something by changing its name, or associating the name with other things or images

to lead up to – to precede in time; if A and B lead up to C then A and B happen a little before C

to have an affair – for someone in a relationship to have another, secret relationship

 

How to pass the snowflake test －雪の結晶テストにパスする方法－

This may be a story about a company CEO who has a silly attitude towards hiring new employees.  Or it may just be a story about clever marketing.

The CEO of an American marketing company became famous recently for using a “snowflake test” when hiring new staff members.  He said that the test was designed to weed out unsuitable candidates.

The word “snowflake” is sometimes used to criticise the young generation today: it suggests that they feel that they are unique and delicate like a snowflake, and melt easily.  In other words, people who behave like snowflakes are narcissistic and weak.

I wonder if the American CEO who devised the test really believes that the young are becoming snowflakes?  I don’t trust the CEOs of marketing companies.  Maybe, a little bit like Donald Trump, he says controversial things to create media attention for himself.  Even if the media attention is largely negative, at least he has made himself and his company famous.

Let’s take a look at some of the questions from the test.  There are 30 questions in all.  I’ll pick out a few questions, guess why the CEO chose to ask it, and give some advice on an answer you could give to pass the test.

Question:  How many sick days should be given to employees?

Why:  If you give a high number, then you are a snowflake and weak!

Answer:  What is a sick day?  I have never heard of it.

Question:  How do you feel about guns?

Why?:  People who don’t like guns are snowflakes and weak!

Answer:  Can I take a look at your gun?  Wow, how cool!

Question:  When was the last time you cried and why?

Why?:  People who cry are snowflakes and weak!

Answer:  The only time I cried was when the police took away my machine-gun.

Question:  What’s your favourite drink when you go to a coffee house?

Why?  People who drink soy-lattes are snowflakes and weak!

Answer:  I drink a double espresso with a topping of Tabasco sauce.

Question:  How do you handle bullies?

Why?  People worried about bullies are snowflakes and weak!

Answer:  People don’t bully me.  They see my gun and smell my Tabasco-coffee breath, and they know that I’m too tough to handle.

Congratulations!  You have passed the snowflake test.  Now go and market products like an all-American hero!

Vocabulary:

a CEO – a chief executive officer; the highest ranking person in a company or organisation

to hire someone – to start to employ someone

to weed something out – to pick out and remove something unwanted

to melt – of something frozen such as ice, to become liquid or watery because of high temperature

narcissistic – tending to love oneself too much; having a very high opinion of oneself

to devise something – to think of and create something

 

Domestic revenge - A dish best served cold －家庭内の復讐 ～冷ましてから食べると最高な料理－

According to an idiom, revenge is a dish best served cold.  If you want to get your own back on someone who has hurt you, you shouldn’t strike back immediately.  You should wait, plan, and strike when your enemy has forgotten about you.

A good example of this comes from my old high-school English teacher.  I remember him telling the class about his revenge.  The night before he had an argument with his wife.  So that morning he waited until his wife had drank her morning cup of tea.  Then he went into the bathroom/toilet and took an especially long time to shave.  She had a weak bladder and he could hear her pacing in front of the bathroom, getting impatient to use the toilet.  But he let her suffer and enjoyed his revenge.

Now that I think of it, I don’t know why my high-school English teacher was telling the class stories about his domestic troubles and plots for revenge.  Maybe he should have been teaching us Shakespeare instead.

I have been thinking about small instances of domestic revenge because of another of my students, whom I call Bousou Seito.  She told me about a similar instance of domestic revenge with her own husband.  She has given me permission to reprint her diary entry below:

*

There was a typhoon today so we couldn’t go outside.  My husband enjoyed making breakfast, lunch and dinner.  For the first time in a long time, he cleaned his room.

I said, “That’s very unusual for you, isn’t it?”

So he was angry and he said, “I will get revenge on you!”

He put on a cd.  The cd was very bad!  I hate that cd.  It is a very bad English song by a Japanese vocalist.

I screamed, “Stop the music!”

He laughed.

He has a lot of cds.  So I can’t find it and break it.  Damn!

*

Be nice to one another.  Revenge is a dish best served cold.  But so is ice-cream!

Vocabulary:

to get one’s own back on someone – to get revenge on someone; to punish someone for the harm that they have caused you

to shave – to use a razor to remove hair from one’s face/body etc.

to have a weak bladder – to have a need to go to the toilet often

to pace – to walk at a steady speed, especially because of anxiety or anger

to get impatient – to become frustrated or unable to wait

a plot – a secret plan, especially to do something illegal or harmful

an instance – a single event which serves as an example

to get revenge on someone – to punish someone for the harm they have caused you

“Damn!” – a slightly rude expression used to show annoyance, anger, frustration etc.