Confessions of a sardine in love －恋に落ちたイワシの告白－

My love always wears white gloves when her hands caress me.  Her body is hidden behind a smart uniform, but I can feel her brawny arms, her muscles impressive.

Does she know that I love her?  Every morning I keep my face carefully neutral as I turn to face her, masking my excitement.  Regretfully I have to waste a moment as I glance down to check my footing.  Then I gaze into her face as she pushes me away from her.

It’s 7.55am on the Tozai Line on the Tokyo Metro.  Part-time “oshiya”, or people pushers, are employed between 7.30am and 8.30am to deal with the rush hour commuters.  So many more people board the trains than their designed capacity that the last passengers have to enter the crush of bodies on the train backwards, and be pushed inside to allow the doors to close.  For three years now Car no.3 has been handled by my love – a woman in her late thirties with freckles around the eyes, a look of pinched concentration as she works, and arms that are as strong as a mother’s love.

It takes a little guile to always find myself last to board.  Sometimes I have to let trains pass.  I leave the queue, fiddling with my bag or patting my pocket.  Then I let the queue build up again before joining at the back.  Once or twice I couldn’t avoid being swept along by the crowd and had to enter the train.  I couldn’t bear the thought of going to the office without her send off.  So I got off at the next station and went back, and made sure she pushed me properly the second time.  She must have noticed.  Doesn’t she realise how much I love her?

Why do I love her caress?  It’s like an “unbirth” – a birth in reverse.  I stand freely on the platform, before turning around and being pushed into an enclosing womb.  She is mother, doctor and lover, all in one.  I dream that one day she will acknowledge my love.  She will look into my eyes and her pinched face will break into a smile, her freckles dancing at the edge of her eyes.  And instead of pushing me away with her pure white gloves, she will pull me towards her, into her loving embrace.

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This is not an autobiographical story.  I am not in love with a people pusher on Japan’s subway network!  But I was inspired to imagine the story above when I heard that the friend of one of my students works part-time as a female oshiya.  Is there really never any romance to be found in the pushing of sardines into a tin can on wheels?

Vocabulary:

to caress – to touch or stroke gently or lovingly

brawny – physically strong; muscular

to mask an emotion – to hide an emotion

capacity – the maximum amount that something can, or is supposed to, contain

a crush – a mass of things or people forced closely together

a freckle – a little brown spot on the skin

guile – sly or cunning intelligence

to fiddle with something – to move or handle something in a nervous way

a womb – the part of a woman’s body where a baby grows

autobiographical – of a piece of writing, about the writer or based on his or her life

One more cup of coffee before I go down below －下に行く前に、コーヒーをもう一杯－

When the nuclear bombs fall like raindrops; or when the comet strikes and giant waves are thrown up all around the world; or when the Martian invaders shoot fire from their tripods – you will probably die.  99.99 per cent of people will probably die as human civilization falls.  That’s because you, and they, are unprepared.

Not me.  I have bought a house in the Swiss Alps, away from the lowlands which would be flooded by inrushing seas after a comet strike, and far from the deserts the Martians would try to conquer.  I have also built a shelter underground which is strong enough to survive a nuclear war.  So as you and the rest of the world perish in the disaster, I will be sitting comfortably in my little underground room, sipping a cup of coffee.  That’s because I am prepared.

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“Apartment block owners are required to construct and fit out shelters in all new dwellings.”

Article 46 of the Swiss law on civil protection

I read an interesting article this week about Switzerland and how they prepare for disasters.  Switzerland is the only country in the world which has built enough underground shelters to house all of its citizens underground for a short time in the event of a cloud of nuclear radiation passing over the country.  All new apartment blocks which are built have to be built with an underground shelter, or else the builder has to pay a huge penalty.

But the article was actually about coffee.  There’s no point in everyone in the country running underground without supplies.  So the government stockpiles various foods and items considered necessary for survival.  One of the items stockpiled is coffee.  The Swiss government always keeps enough coffee to supply the nation for three months in the event of a sudden disaster.  The government is now considering taking coffee off the list of items which are stockpiled, and a final decision will be taken in November.

Isn’t it amazing the lengths which Switzerland has gone to prepare for disasters?  Giving every citizen a space in an underground shelter is amazing, stockpiling enough food to survive for three months underground is fantastic!  But do they really need coffee?  What else have they stockpiled?  Do they have paper napkins in case the nuclear explosions cause someone to spill his drink?  Do they have cuckoo clocks in each shelter in case survivors of a comet strike want to count the hours cheerfully until the flood waters recede?  Do they have little cocktail umbrellas in case the survivors of the Martian invasion want to invite the enemy to a party and make friends?

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I have nearly finished preparing my shelter for the end of the world.  I have stockpiled pizza bases, tomato sauce, anchovies, garlic, an espresso machine and several pairs of comfy slippers.  Have I forgotten anything?

Vocabulary:

a comet – a large ball of ice and dust which moves through space

Martian – from or of the planet Mars, the fourth planet

a tripod – a three legged stand for supporting something such as a camera – in the book, “War of the Worlds”, the Martians attacked human cities from huge tripods

to be flooded – for land or buildings to be covered in large amounts of water

to perish – to die

to fit something out – to equip or supply something

a dwelling – a place where people live

supplies – items prepared for later use

to stockpile something – to collect and store extra supplies or stock

to recede – to go back

Tips on nibbling cheese with a little bull in a china shop －小さな雄牛を連れて陶磁器店でチーズを楽しむためのヒント－

We opened our front door and stepped inside.  I quickly ran to my computer and turned it on, hoping that while I had been away my favourite football team had been winning.  My two year-old son ran inside and scattered all his toys on the floor and started asking his dolls to wake up.  My wife stepped in and sighed, looking forward to returning to work and having a little time off from tantrums and child psychology.  We had only been away for two nights in Hakone, but it was good to be home.

The best thing about our trip to Hakone was that there was a very nice restaurant in the hotel, which served a set course meal for breakfast and dinner.  The hardest thing about our trip to Hakone (apart from needing to take a long bus ride to get anywhere) was the fact that there was a very nice restaurant in the hotel which served a set course meal for breakfast and dinner.  We knew we would enjoy the fine dining, wine and cheese, if only we could get our son to sit quietly for long enough in the restaurant.

Keeping a two year old quiet in a fancy restaurant is like taking a small bull into a china shop while you admire the shop’s goods.  It’s all dainty and nice, but it could go horribly wrong at any moment.  Here are some tips for eating with a small child in a fancy restaurant which we picked up on our trip:

1 – Sit in the corner

We went for four meals in the same restaurant.  We, and they, very quickly realised that the best table for us was the one farthest away from everyone else.

2 – Eat and drink quickly

We had a lovely meal on the first night and almost made it to the end without my son breaking down into screams and forcing us to leave.  But he did start screaming before my wife had time to drink her after-dinner coffee.

“That’s why I ordered an espresso,” I told her as I gulped it down just in time.

3 – Order the things you really want to eat first

My wife and I both enjoy wine and cheese.  We were really looking forward to trying some different strong cheeses after our course meal.  But we had to leave before we had time to try any the first night.  So on the second night we ordered the cheese at the start of the meal, and nibbled at it in between courses.

If the thing you really want to eat is the tiramisu or the ice-cream, then just ask the waiter to bring it first.  They will be happy so long as they can get you out of the restaurant more quickly.

4 – Teach your child to say “Cheers!”

It makes you look like a family of alcoholics, but hey! – If you are a family of alcoholics then why worry about it?

Sometimes the action of clinking glasses together (gently!) can be a good distraction for the child, and delay the point when they get bored and frustrated.

5 – If it is at all possible, get a doggy bag

We tried to have the plate of cheese sent to our room as room service, but the hotel wouldn’t allow it.  We did, though, manage to bring the unfinished bottle of wine to our room when we left.  Leaving a cup of coffee unfinished is frustrating enough, but there was no way I was leaving half of an expensive bottle of wine.

Check with the restaurant in advance and see if they will allow you to take any unfinished courses away with you.  When you are looking after a little bull, he might see red and force you to abandon part of your meal.  So be prepared.

Vocabulary:

to scatter something – to throw something in various random directions

a tantrum – a childish fit of anger

china – a kind of fine, white ceramic

dainty – pretty and delicate

to break down – of a person, to lose emotional control; to collapse

to gulp something down – to drink something very quickly

Cheers! – something said to a companion when drinking (usually alcohol) together

to clink glasses – to touch glasses together as a form of salutation when drinking with someone

a doggy bag – when eating at a restaurant, a bag to put the leftovers of the meal in

to see red – to get suddenly angry or out of control

Recovering from Procrastination －ぐずぐずする癖から立ち直ること－

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.  For a procrastinator, an essay of a thousand words begins with a cup of tea, a biscuit, a quick check of the news headlines, and then another biscuit.

I have often been in a situation where I have to write something by a deadline.  I studied history at university and had to submit regular essays to finish the course.  I have been writing this weekly blog for more than five years.  I have plenty of ideas and generally enjoy the process of writing once I get started.  But it can be very difficult to get started.  Somehow the thought of starting is fearful, and I put it off and I put it off until I have to start or I won’t get it finished in time.  For every university essay I ended up sitting up all night and handing the essay in at the last minute.  My blog articles are shorter and so I never have to sit up all night, but I often don’t start until late in the evening on the last day I have to finish them.

My name is William and I am a recovering procrastinator.

I read an interesting article recently about why people procrastinate, and suggestions for possible solutions.  The article suggested that we evolved in small communities of 150 to 200 individuals and our problems were not as complex or abstract as they are now.  Immediate, simple problems like, “There’s a bloody tiger – run away!” were much more important to our survival and success than complex or abstract ones.  So putting off those problems to deal with immediate ones made a lot of sense.  Now that we live in communities of not hundreds but millions, our problems are more complex and abstract.  “A lot of people I have never met might like my novel and pay me some money to read it, if only I can get it finished,” for example.  Our brains naturally assign this problem a low priority.

So how can we learn to start a piece of work long before the deadline, finish it quickly, and then enjoy our remaining free time?

The essay I read suggested using an “unschedule”.  Let us compare an unschedule to a schedule.  In a schedule you write down all the tasks you want to get finished – “Write my novel for four hours in the morning,” or, “Research my university essay for six hours in the library.”  When you write down these huge commitments of your time, it immediately seems frightening and difficult to achieve, like writing, “Climb Mount Everest in the morning.”  No wonder we feel daunted about starting and go for a cup of tea and a biscuit instead.

In an unschedule, you instead write down all the fun things you have planned for the day, such as, “Drink a cup of tea in the morning and eat some biscuits,” or, “Go to the pub for three hours.”  Then you write your essays or your novel in the blank spaces in your schedule between your fun plans.  The idea is that you no longer feel scared about getting started, and work hard to finish quickly so that you can be ready to go out and meet your friends in the pub.

I haven’t tried to use an unschedule yet.  I try to control my procrastination using the power of habit.  The difficult thing is not writing, but making the choice to start writing.  So I try to take away any thoughts of choice by making writing a habit.  I always do it at the same time on the same days.  So I don’t have to choose to do it.  It is totally natural, like always eating breakfast at the same time or leaving for work to catch a particular train in the morning.

This essay was finished on time.  Recovering procrastinators have to celebrate our small victories over our condition.

Vocabulary:

a deadline – the latest time or date by which something should be completed

to submit something – to hand something in, such as a piece of work

to put something off – to delay doing something

complex – not simple; having many parts or aspects

abstract – existing in thought or as an idea but not having a physical existence

a priority – a level of importance

to be daunted – to feel frightened by the prospect of doing something