[bring-bring,bring-bring]
You have reached the number for the emergency services. Which emergency service would you like to access? Press 1 for the police. Press 2 for an ambulance. Press 3 for the fire brigade. Press 4 for the superhero brigade.
[4]
You have reached the superhero brigade. Due to the current coronavirus pandemic, we are receiving a greater volume of calls than usual, so please bear with us. Please state in your own words the nature of the emergency.
[“Aaaargh!”]
I’m sorry. Did you say that a super-villain has escaped from Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane?
[“Grrrrrr-Hnggggh!”]
I’m sorry. Did you say that Godzilla has emerged from the ocean to attack your area? Please press 1 for Yes, and 2 for No.
[2]
Okay. Please listen to this list of options, and select the one which most closely fits your situation. Press 1 if you are in possession of some Kryptonite, and wish for help in disposing of it. Press 2 if you are trapped in a time-loop, unless you have tried this option previously. Press 3 if you have been exposed to gamma rays, and are beginning to turn green. Press 4 if your computer has become sentient, and is attempting to conquer the Earth. Press 5 if a dead acquaintance has clawed their way out of their grave, and seems menacing. Press 6 if an alien civilization has accosted you, and demanded to speak to your leader. Press 7 if a monster is currently gnawing on your leg.
[7]
Okay. So a monster is currently gnawing on your leg. Due to the current coronavirus pandemic, we are receiving a greater volume of calls than usual. Did you know that you can find many great tips for combatting a variety of monsters at our web-site? Please hang up the phone and visit www.superherobrigade.com/funmonstertips, or else hold the line and an operator will be with you as soon as possible.
[…Alas my love you do me wrong, To cast me off discourteously…]
Vocabulary/ notes:
to bear with us – to be patient with us
to state – to clearly say
a villain – a bad person; a criminal
Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane – In the Batman comic books, this is where The Joker, The Scarecrow, and other super-villains are kept prisoner
Kryptonite – In the Superman comic books, this is the green crystal which makes Superman weak
gamma rays – a real form of intense radiation. In the Incredible Hulk comic books, exposure to this radiation caused Robert Bruce Banner to become the Incredible Hulk
sentient – conscious of itself and able to perceive the outside world
to accost someone – to confront someone boldly or forcefully
to gnaw on something –to bite at something persistently, like a dog taking the flavour from a bone
[Alas my love you do me wrong…] – The lyrics to the song “Greensleeves,” which is often played over the telephone when a caller must be kept waiting
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