Language bursting to get out －必死に爆発しようとする言語－

I recently heard about a man from Osaka who is living in Tokyo, and finding it stressful to be away from his home. 

“My colleagues are all from Tokyo, and I can’t speak in Osaka dialect,” he says.  “It makes me feel really irritated.  I want to speak my native Osaka dialect so much that I feel I could burst!” 

I kind of understand how he feels.  I can speak Japanese pretty well, but not perfectly.  I might think of a joke, or try to be ironic.  But the humour or irony doesn’t always get across when I try it in Japanese. 

I do speak English regularly, but generally to non-native speakers.  Then I can express myself freely, except that the other person may not understand something subtle or complex. 

I’ll try not to burst like an overly pressured balloon.  Here are some nice English words and phrases I wanted to use or share recently, but couldn’t: 

I’m flabbergasted.

(I am overcome with surprise and bewilderment.)

eg. “When my fifty year old mother told me that she was pregnant again, I was flabbergasted.”

 

A joke that I heard recently:

What do you win as a prize for surviving into old age?

Atrophy.

(Atrophy is the wasting away of the body.  But it looks and sounds a bit like “a trophy”, as in a cup you might win as a prize.)

eg. “Astronauts must exercise every day while they are in space or else their muscles will suffer atrophy.”

 

 

Yada Man －ヤダ・マン－

After Superman’s messy divorce from Louis Lane, he got drunk one night before flying to the scene of a crime.  He flew into a building.  He currently has no license to fly or carry a lethal weapon (his laser eyes).  So he goes to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and is currently unavailable for crime-fighting duties.

Batman has come down with a high fever, and has lost his sense of taste and sense of smell.  He is also unavailable for duty.

Wonderwoman is currently in dispute with the government over her sexual discrimination claim.  Her lawyer says that she wants equal pay with male superheroes, and she doesn’t see why she has to fight crime in a sexy miniskirt uniform.  She is currently unavailable for duty.

So the government have turned to a new superhero for help: Yada Man!

Yada Man’s superpower is to forcefully say “Yada!” to any possible threat or unknown situation.  “Yada” is a Japanese phrase, which could mean “It’s no good,” or “It’s unacceptable,” or “No way!” in English. 

“Give me one billion Dollars, or I’ll blow up Tokyo!” says the supervillain. 

“Yada!” 

“I have stolen a nuclear bomb, and there’s nothing you can do about it,” laughs the criminal mastermind. 

“Yada!” 

“We have come to take over your planet.  Take us to your leader,” say the aliens. 

“Yada!” 

Yada Man is so annoying that villains cannot bear it, and they quickly surrender to his power. 

* 

I imagined the superhero Yada Man when spending an afternoon listening to my son in a bad mood. 

“Where shall we go for lunch?  How about the Chinese restaurant?” 

“Yada!” 

“Let’s read a book.” 

“Yada!” 

“Why don’t you finish your homework now.  Then you won’t have to do it later.” 

“Yada!”

 

A Deal with the Devil －悪魔との取引—

I have been reading an interesting science-fiction series called “Hyperion” recently.  The novels are set in the future, when humans are able to travel deep into space and begin colonising alien worlds.  On one world, the humans find an alien life form which can enter a human’s body and live inside it, keeping the body healthy.  But in order to have this alien implanted, the person must agree to join a particular church, and follow its rules and orders.  In other words, you can have eternal life, but you must give up your soul. 

It reminded me of the story of Faust, who sold his soul to the Devil in order to gain power and knowledge while he was alive. 

In case you are ever asked to make a deal with the Devil, here are some quotes about the topic: 

“Faustus: Stay, Mephistopheles, and tell me, what good will my soul do [your lord, the Devil]?

Mephistopheles: Enlarge his kingdom.

Faustus: Is that the reason he tempts us [to sell him our souls]?

Mephistopheles: It is a comfort to the wretched to have companions in misery.”

From the Christopher Marlow play, “Doctor Faustus” (1592)

 

“The Devil: I've nurtured every sensation man's been inspired to have. I cared about what he wanted and I never judged him. Why? Because I never rejected him. In spite of all his imperfections, I'm a fan of man! I'm a humanist. Maybe the last humanist.”

From the film, “The Devil’s Advocate” (1997)

 

“You obviously don’t have my soul, or you wouldn’t be trying to make deals.”

From “Another Faust” by Daniel Nayeri

“In all those stories about people who sold their souls to the devil, I never quite understood why the devil was the bad guy, or why it was okay to screw him out of his soul. They got what they wanted: fame, money, love, whatever—though usually it turned out not to be what they really wanted or expected. Was that the devil's fault? I never thought so. Like John Wayne said, "Life's tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid.”

From “The Never-Open Desert Diner” by James Anderson

 

Children on a Plane! —キッズ・フライト－

“Enough is enough!  I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!”

From the movie, “Snakes on a Plane”, television edit 

“Everybody listen up!  We have to put a barrier between us and the snakes!”

From the movie, “Snakes on a plane”

 

In the news this week it was revealed that the airline industry has come up with a new way to attract passengers: keep them away from children.  AirAsia, a budget airline, offers a “quiet zone” for adult passengers, in which small children are not allowed. 

Research in Britain suggests that one third of U.K. passengers would consider paying extra money for a flight in which they were guaranteed not to be sitting near young children. 

I can understand how annoying it is to be seated near a screaming child when you are stuck in a small cabin for ten hours.  But there are always earphones and earplugs available.  Children should be expected to be in public spaces like aeroplanes, and not be seen as an imposition.  Isn’t this modern individualism gone too far?  People are losing the ability to put up with a little inconvenience for the public good. 

If it is harder for families with children to book seats on a flight because there are zones on the plane in which they are banned, isn’t that unfair discrimination?  Maybe some travellers would rather not sit near fat people, or elderly and infirm people.  Will planes also have thin zones and healthy zones, to keep out the overweight, or old? 

Somehow this story made me think of the movie in which airline passengers are forced to share a plane with a bunch of poisonous snakes.  I would pay extra for a snake free zone on a flight.