Stretching the Years －年伸ばし－

Have you ever heard a dog owner talking about the age of their dog, and using the term, “dog years?” 

Dogs obviously mature more quickly than humans, and have a shorter life expectancy.  So to give humans a rough idea of how mature their dog is, the concept of “dog years” can be useful.

According to this concept, after one year, a dog is 15 years old in dog years.  At the age of 2, they are 24 years old in dog years.  And each year after that, they age 5 dog years.  So a 6 year old dog would be in middle age, or about 44 years old in dog years. 

As a man in middle age, I have recently been thinking about the course of life, pensions and so on.  But it occurred to me that since I am married to a Japanese woman, who has a longer life expectancy than I do, I have to think in terms similar to dog years.  According to Wikipedia, the average life expectancy at birth for a man born in Glasgow (my home town) is 73.6 years.  Yet the average life expectancy for a woman born in Japan is 87.1 years. 

I reckon that I can calculate my age in “Japanese woman years” by dividing my age by 73.6, and then multiplying the result by 87.1. 

By that calculation, although I am 44 years old, I become about 52 years old in JW Years. 

No wonder my knees are painful, and I can’t remember names like I used to. 

Japanese women can do the calculation in reverse, in order to find their age in “Glaswegian man years.”  So a 50 year old woman becomes 42 GM Years old. 

I am a very popular man with older Japanese women.

 

Childhood Friends? －幼なじみ？－

I recently read a short story by Ray Bradbury, which starts with the main character planning to commit “the perfect murder”. 

He is now a middle aged man with a wife and children.  But he can’t stop thinking back to his childhood, and his relationship with his best friend.  Although they were ostensibly friends, the other child treated the main character poorly in many ways, and seemed to look down on him.  The main character always went to his friend’s house to invite him to play, never the other way round.  The friend played tricks on the main character, cruelly teasing and making fun of him.  Since the main character had no other friends, he accepted this low level bullying, until his family moved away from the area when he was twelve years old. 

Now thirty years later, the main character plans to find his old friend and murder him for the remembered bullying.  But when the two middle aged men meet, the one who had been a child bully has become sick and lonely, and the main character decides to let him live. 

It made me wonder which of my childhood friends I might one day decide to murder, and why.  More worryingly, it made me wonder which of my childhood friends might one day decide to murder me, and why. 

On a snowy winter’s day in Scotland, I saw a dirty brown mess that a dog had left on the pavement.  I piled some snow on top of the mess.  Then I took a friend round to the spot and said, “Look how deep that pile of snow is.  I bet that you are not brave enough to jump into it!” 

The poor boy jumped straight in. 

Worse things than that happened to me as a child.  My older brother’s friend had an air gun.  When I was only five or six years old, he chased me around the house with the gun, saying that he was going to shoot me.  I picked up a thick book and held it in front of my head.  Then my brother’s friend fired the air gun, and a little pellet hit the book in front of my face, and made a big hole in the book that nearly went all the way through to the other side. 

It is a wonder that any boys survive childhood at all.

 

Vocabulary:

ostensibly – apparently; on the face of it

[eg., The prime minister resigned, ostensibly for health reasons.  But many people believe that he had actually lost support from within his party.]

 

Liberating Lunches －気分を楽にさせるランチ－

My friends have been taking advantage of me for years, and I’ve had enough.  Whenever I meet my friends for lunch, we split the bill 50 – 50.  And they have been ripping me off. 

For instance, my friend from England always takes disposable chopsticks from the restaurant, while I am bringing plastic chopsticks from home.  So I am imposing a 10 per cent charge on him.  From now on, we will split the bill 45 – 55, in my favour. 

My friend from France adds milk and sugar to her coffee, and I don’t.  I am imposing a 20 per cent levy on her.  From now on we split the bill 40 – 60. 

Worst of all is my friend from Tokyo.  Last time when we met in Mr. Donut he had three free coffee refills.  I can’t drink coffee so fast.  So I’m imposing a 30 per cent charge on that guy.  From now on we will split our Mr. Donut bill 35 – 65. 

I am sure that all of my friends will respect me more for putting myself first for once.

 

Vocabulary:

to take advantage of someone – to treat someone unfairly, using their weakness for your own benefit

[eg., I think your boss is taking advantage of you.  You should stop agreeing to do overtime for free.]

to split the bill – to divide the cost, usually in a restaurant

to rip someone off – a casual phrase meaning to cheat someone by making them pay too much money

[eg., I thought I had bought a valuable antique.  But I was ripped off.  It isn’t valuable at all.]

 

A Dental Nurse Far, Far Away －はるか彼方の歯科衛生士ー

This didn’t happen to me.  I heard about it from someone long ago, who lives far, far away.  He told me: 

* 

I went to the dentist recently to have my teeth cleaned. 

There was a new dental nurse who had the job of carrying out the cleaning, and it was a bit uncomfortable at times. 

She seemed to misposition some of the tools she was using in my mouth, especially the gadget that squirts out water.  One time it started squirting water out of the side of my mouth, down my neck, and from there dribbling onto the chair.  Another time the water went squirting up my nose. 

“Is everything all right?” she would ask, from time to time. 

“Urghhh,” I answered, meaning, “Yes, you’re doing a wonderful job.  Please don’t hurt me.” 

I have a basic policy of not complaining about the work someone is doing while they have some sort of drilling machine inside my mouth.  If I had gotten her angry, what could she have done to me? 

[

Suddenly I hear a loud rumbling noise, like the revving of a motorbike engine.  The nurse is turning up the power of the drill, past the legal maximum setting.  The dentist bursts in from a side door and shouts, “Nurse, no!  You can’t turn the drill up to level eleven!  We don’t know what it would do to him…”

] 

So I said nothing, and used the paper bib to wipe up the water. 

When we were done, the nurse started fishing for compliments. 

“You actually had a lot of stains on your teeth, but they’re clean now.” 

“Thank you so much,” I said. 

Of course my teeth were stained.  That is why I was having them cleaned. 

Perhaps the next time I get a haircut, my barber will say, “You actually had a lot of hair on your head until I cut it.” 

* 

I tell a lot of jokes and use humour and exaggeration in these blog posts.  If any dental nurses happen to read this post, please remember that.  Don’t be angry.

Vocabulary:

to fish for compliments – to subtly or indirectly try to get people to say nice things about you

 

Choosing Happiness －幸せを選ぶことー

A United Nations report into happiness around the world has just been released.  Predictably, the top ten countries included five Nordic countries, with Finland coming in first.  Perhaps more surprisingly, a few middle income countries made the top ten, such as Costa Rica and Mexico.  The U.N. cited close family ties and good social networks as important factors for these countries’ high ranking. 

Britain and Japan didn’t make the top ten.  So maybe we need some advice on how to be happy. 

1

“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.”

Abraham Lincoln

 

This is a typical politician’s excuse.  The education system is in a mess?  You can’t find a job?:  Don’t worry, be happy! (And don’t blame us.)

 

2

“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.”

Ernest Hemingway

 

Maybe we shouldn’t improve the education system then.  Perhaps it is better not to have any understanding of all the ways the world is going wrong.

 

3

“Happiness is not something ready made.  It comes from your own actions.”

The Dalai Lama

 

Abraham Lincoln just wants you to decide to be happy.  The Dalai Lama actually wants you to put some work in.  No wonder I’m not as happy as I might be.  I’m too lazy to meditate every day.

 

4

“Man only likes to count his troubles: he doesn’t calculate his happiness.”

Fyodor Dostoevsky

 

I didn’t see Russia anywhere near the top of the list.  Maybe reading too much Dostoevsky and Tolstoy has warped the Russian mind.

 

Tricked by a Scotsman －スコットランド人男性に騙されること－

I have not been feeling well this week, and have done little except stay at home and listen to audio books and music.  I listened to an old folk song and enjoyed the lyrics.  It is a Scottish folk song, which tells of how a Scotsman escaped from a prison in Northumberland in the north of England by tricking a young girl. 

I have edited and summarised the lyrics below.  The song is “The Flower of Northumberland”. 

The word “lass” or “lassie” is a Scottish word, meaning a young woman or girl.

 

Verse 1:

The provost’s daughter was walking alone -

Oh, and her love it was easy won -

When she heard a Scots prisoner shout and groan –

Aye, and she was the flower of Northumberland –

Saying, “If only a lassie would borrow a key,” –

Oh, but her love it was easy won –

“I would make her a lady of high degree,

If she set me free from this prison of stone.”

 

In verse 2, the provost’s daughter steals a key and her father’s best horse, and runs away with the Scots prisoner, expecting to become his wife.

 

Verse 3:

As they were riding across the Scots grass,

He cried, “Oh, but your love it was easy won,

Get down from my horse, you’re a brazen faced lass,

Although you’re the flower of Northumberland.

For I have a wife in my own home true -

Oh, but your love it was easy won -

And I cannot do anything with a lassie like you.,

So you’ll need to go back to Northumberland.”

 

In Verse 4, the provost’s daughter begs the Scots prisoner to take her to Scotland, even as his cook.  For she feels she cannot go back to Northumberland to face the shame of her actions.  But the Scots prisoner refuses, and hires an old man and a horse to take her back to her parents.

 

Verse 5:

And when she came home her father did frown,

And he cried, “Oh, but your love it was easy won,

For to go with a Scotsman when you’re barely sixteen,

And you the fair flower of Northumberland!”

Ah, but when she came in her mother did smile,

She said, “Oh, and your love it was easy won,

But you’re not the first lass that a Scot has beguiled,

So you’re welcome back home to Northumberland.”

 

I’m not sure what the moral of the story is.  A mother’s love can forgive her child anything?  It is never too late to go back?  You can’t blame a girl for being tricked by a Scotsman, because they are all such good liars?

 

Vocabulary:

brazen – bold and without shame

[eg., The brazen thief stole the money in daylight, with many people watching.]

to beguile someone – to charm or enchant someone, especially using trickery

[eg., The politician beguiled voters with his smooth promises.]

 

Pricking Your Ears Up －耳を澄ますこと－

I have just started reading a book called “Walking the Nile” by Levison Wood.  In the book, a former soldier recounts his experiences of trying to walk the entire length of the River Nile, from Rwanda to Egypt’s Mediterranean coast. 

In one episode, while walking through Tanzania, Levison and his companion Boston hire two local Tanzanians to act as porters.  The two locals are to help carry the camping gear that Levison is bringing with him through Tanzania.  Despite agreeing to the task, the two Tanzanians are sullen and unfriendly.  They mutter darkly to one another behind Levison and Boston’s backs. 

One night, the two are talking darkly to one another in their own language, Swahili.  Boston hasn’t let on that he too can speak this language, and he listens in to what they are saying. 

They are planning to tie the foreigners to a tree and steal all of their valuables. 

Levison and Boston then reveal that they had understood what was being said, and threaten the men.  Shortly afterwards, the porters leave and Boston and Levison have to dump part of their heavy gear and carry on by themselves. 

Pricking your ears up to surreptitiously listen to what others are saying is not generally considered polite, but it can be useful! 

I have never overheard such a dramatic threat before.  But I have overheard the odd funny conversation. 

I remember standing in a queue at a Chinese restaurant, waiting to place an order with the owner.  I listened to the man in front of me in the queue choosing what to eat. 

“Um… You don’t have any of those noodles in a Thai sauce, do you?” the man asks. 

The restauranteur sounds extremely offended. 

“But Sir, this is a Chinese restaurant, not a Thai restaurant!” 

“Okay, never mind,” says the customer, defensively.  “Sometimes Chinese restaurants have Thai dishes as well.  I’ll just have the mixed Chinese noodles instead then.” 

I got to the front of the queue.  I could hardly contain my laughter at the conversation I had overheard and I was dying to say, “Um, you don’t have any of those Italian style spaghetti noodles, do you?” 

Sadly, the first customer was still within earshot.  If I could overhear him, then he could overhear me, and I didn’t want to make him angry.  I played it safe and ordered lemon chicken instead.

 

Vocabulary:

sullen – showing irritation or a bad mood by expressions or silence

[eg., I tried to cheer the child up.  But he was sullen because we hadn’t gone to the restaurant that he had wanted to.]

to let on – to allow something to be known

[eg., Don’t let on that you have noticed her scar.  She is very sensitive about it.]

surreptitiously – done using stealth or secrecy

[eg., The undercover policeman surreptitiously looked at the group of criminals, trying to memorise their faces.]