Very Small Gods －とても小さな神様－

“Gods like to see an atheist around.  [It] gives them something to aim at.” 

“The trouble with being a god is that you’ve got noone to pray to.”

From “Small Gods” by Terry Pratchett

 

It is said that in Japan, the customer is god.  But are there limits to what customers can expect, even in Japan? 

One of my students complained to me recently about the standard of service that her new mobile phone provider was offering. 

“I bought a new mobile phone, and I don’t know how to use it very well,” she said.  “So I went to that phone provider’s shop and asked them to teach me how to use it.  But they said that they charged money for giving lessons in how to use their phone.  Can you believe it?” 

I wasn’t so sure that my student was entitled to complain.  After all, the labour cost of having a staff member available to teach customers how to use the phone has to be paid from somewhere. 

If my student’s logic is correct, then a customer can buy a car from Toyota and then demand that Toyota teaches their new customer how to drive.  Or I could buy some eggs from my local supermarket and then demand that the staff teach me how to make an omelette.  You could buy a book from a book shop and then demand that the staff teach you how to read. 

If the customer is god, he or she is a very small god, whose temples have all fallen down and whose last worshipper has died.

 

Looking Down on Us with Envious Eyes －嫉妬の目で僕らを見下ろす－

This week I have been rereading the classic science-fiction novel, “The War of the Worlds”, by H.G. Wells.  It was published in 1897.  In addition to containing fascinating ideas, the writing is at times beautifully creepy.  Here are some quotes from the opening to the novel.

 

1

“No one would have believed in the last years of the nineteenth century that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than man’s.”

 

We can be very confident that no aliens are watching us from Mars.  But are there aliens watching us from farther away?

 

2

“as men busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinised and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a man with a microscope might scrutinise the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. With infinite complacency men went to and fro over this globe about their little affairs, serene in their assurance of their empire over matter. It is possible that the creatures under the microscope do the same.”

 

I hope not.  I don’t want to have to feel guilty about killing billions of microscopic creatures whenever I wash my hands with soap.

 

3

“No one gave a thought to the older worlds of space as sources of human danger… [Across] the gulf of space, minds that are to our minds as ours are to those of [the beasts], intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic, regarded this earth with envious eyes, and slowly and surely drew their plans against us.”

 

Beautifully creepy indeed.

 

Vocabulary:

to scrutinise something – to examine or inspect something closely and thoroughly

[eg., I thought that the money might be fake, so I took time to scrutinise it.]

to be transient – lasting only for a short time; not permanent

[eg., The effects of the drug are transient, so you need to keep taking it.]

complacency – a feeling of satisfaction with oneself or one’s achievements, which is not justified or appropriate

[eg., That football team lost their last match due to complacency.  If they had prepared properly, they would have won.]

to be serene – calm, peaceful and untroubled

[eg., Lying on the quiet beach, I felt serene.]

Mad About Hats －帽子バカ－

I bought a new hat recently.

There is currently a closing down sale at a hat store in Koenji, and all the hats are half price.

My wife and son came with me to the hat shop.  I wore my old hat there.  I wanted to try on various hats to check the size, so I gave my old hat to my son to hold for a while.

I eventually chose a new hat to buy.  I asked my son if he still had my old hat.

 “Hmmmn?” he said.  “I don’t have it.  I think I must have put it down somewhere.”

Of all the places to lose a hat, my son had lost it in a hat store.  Apart from being hard to find, like a chameleon blending in to its surroundings, there was also a danger that someone would pick it up and try to buy it. 

We managed to retrieve my old hat in the end.

Here are a couple of hat related phrases in English:

1 – as mad as a hatter.

This means very mad, as in crazy.  Hats used to contain mercury, and hatters often suffered mercury poisoning, making them behave strangely.

 

2 – to keep something under one’s hat

This means to keep something secret

e.g., I am going to quit my job soon, but keep it under your hat.  I don’t want everybody to know.

 

Almost Squashed －あと少しでぺしゃんこにされる－

It generally isn’t easy to make a complaint to a giant company.  As a customer, you are like an ant trying to get the attention of a tyrannosaurus rex. 

“Hey, Mr. Big Lizard!  Watch where you are going.  You nearly stood on me!” 

When I was trying to buy an audio book from Audible, a company owned by Amazon, I noticed a problem with the website.  It said that there was a two books for the price of one sale.  But when I tried to buy two books listed in the sale, I was being asked to pay the full price. 

So I clicked on the website’s link, “Contact us”.  There was a menu of complaints.  I clicked through the options.  Is it a problem listening to a book?  No.  Is it a problem downloading a book?  No.; and so on.  The problem I had wasn’t on the list.  Eventually to leave the list, the only thing I could click on was the option, “Never mind”. 

I had to laugh.  I want to choose whether I mind or not. 

I guess you shouldn’t try to argue with a t-rex. 

* 

There was an interesting story about Amazon in the news recently.  Amazon delivers huge numbers of parcels every year.  Every now and then, some of them are undelivered, and the intended recipient never comes forward to claim the item.  Amazon has huge warehouses filled with these unclaimed packages.  They don’t know what is inside each package.  Rather than destroying the undelivered items, Amazon has started selling them.  British customers who want to take a lucky dip can pay 13 Pounds per kg of parcel.  They could get something expensive, such as an electronic gadget.  Or they could get a box of half melted chocolates.  Do you feel lucky?

 

Unusual Food －珍しい料理－

One of the lessons I sometimes do with my students is about unusual foods.  I ask the students if they have tried any foods which might be considered rare in Japan, such as insects. 

During that lesson, one of my students said that she had eaten rabbit. 

“What made you decide to order rabbit?” I asked. 

“Well,” she said, “In actual fact I thought I had ordered eel.” 

I had to laugh.  “Eel” is “unagi” in Japanese, and “rabbit” is “usagi”.  After a few glasses of wine in the restaurant, it seems like my student got the two similar words mixed up. 

* 

I remember going on a family holiday to Belfast in Northern Ireland when I was a child.  We found a café with a menu advertising “soup of the day”. 

My father and I both fancied some hot soup to warm ourselves up on the cold day, so we asked what the soup of the day was. 

“Tsalgon,” said the waitress. 

My father and I glanced at each other, neither recognising the word. 

“What was that?” said my father. 

“Tsalgon,” repeated the waitress. 

My father and I looked at each other again, still confused.  We both thought that it must be some kind of Irish speciality that we had never heard of.  Seafood soup, maybe? 

“I’ll just have the soup of the day then,” said my father. 

“Me too,” I said. 

The waitress sighed, and spoke more slowly this time.  “It’s all gone.” 

So I never got to taste tsalgon soup.

 

Ten Worries

I have been reading an interesting book called, “What should we be worried about?: Real scenarios that keep scientists up at night”.  It is a series of essays written ten years ago, by various scientists, economists and other thinkers.  Their essays argue for different problems and potential problems that society needs to think more about. 

Here are ten interesting quotes taken from the book.

1

By far, environmental problems are our worst. Our resources are limited. Growth cannot continue forever, Gentle Reader. Time to change for the sake of future generations. 

2

The idea of 10 billion sharing the planet by 2050 is a truly dreadful prediction. Time to fight back against those individuals and groups who oppose efforts to control population growth. 

3

Democracy is increasingly looking like a failure. That saddens me. And yet a liberal democracy with a market economy seems to be our best bet. 

4

Vaccinations work. Use them. 

5

Let's get on with fixing up this world. Believing in an afterlife only leads to avoiding the decisions needed in this life. 

6

More unmarried men leads to greater crime rates. 

7

We must change how we use water. It's critical. It's being destroyed.

 

8

Normal people are not as nice as we make them out to be.

 

9

We live in the past or want the past to return. This makes it impossible for the future to get here.

 

10

"Global warming" needs a stronger name.

 

Strange Mornings －奇妙な朝－

My eight year old son was having difficulty getting ready for school in time in the mornings.  He tended to get distracted, especially by books.  When he was supposed to be brushing his teeth, we would find him lying on the floor, reading a book.  When he was supposed to be putting things into his school bag, we would find him leaning against a wall, flicking through manga. 

For a while we tried just telling him off for getting distracted, but the problem persisted.  So I came up with a solution.  I asked him what book or manga he wanted to read, and then left it by the front door.  If he could brush his teeth, prepare his school bag, put his shoes on and so on, then he could start reading his book.  This worked so well that soon he was ready 25 minutes before he had to leave for school, and was sitting quietly by the door, reading his favourite book. 

But it was summer, and there is no air conditioner at the front door.  It was very hot there.  So we wanted to let him read a book in the living room.  But we also wanted him to have his shoes on, so that he was totally ready to go to school.  Therefore I let him put his shoes on and pick up his book at the front door.  Then I laid some newspaper on the floor in front of our sofa in the living room.  Then I picked my son up and carried him into the living room.  He could then sit on the sofa without worrying about his outdoor shoes touching the floor. 

My wife later came up with a refinement to this procedure.  She has gotten rid of the need for newspapers on the floor.  She bought two shower caps, designed to be worn over your hair when you take a shower.  She puts these over my son’s shoes, allowing him to walk around inside our house with his outdoor shoes on underneath.  He then only needs to take the shower caps off before he leaves for school in the morning. 

Our mornings are now regularly accompanied by the sound of swishing plastic as my son enters the living room with his book.  He puts me in mind of a robot walking through our house. 

I can’t decide.  Are we very clever parents, or quite mad?