Christmas Must Wait －クリスマスは待たなくてはいけないー

My birthday comes this month, in December.  I used to feel a little cheated as a child, because people would quickly skip over my birthday in order to get into the mood for Christmas. 

“I’ve got you one big present.  That’s for both your birthday and Christmas,” someone would say. 

“Did you really double the size of the present?” I would think.  “Or am I just losing one present?” 

My son is obviously sympathetic.  He wrote me a nice birthday card, and wrote a poem on it.  He wrote it in Japanese, but I have translated my son’s poem into English below:

 

Winter comes,

Though the jingle bells are loud,

Don’t forget –

Daddy’s birthday.

 

Don’t Ever Invite a Vampire into your House, you Silly Boy －自宅に吸血鬼を招くんじゃない、このばか者－

I read an interesting online article about parenting recently.  The article asked what a parent should do if their child has made friends with a bad kid.  Should the parent tell their child to stop hanging out with the bad influence? 

The gist of the article’s advice was that you shouldn’t tell your child what friends to have.  Children often do the opposite of what their parents tell them anyway, so such advice might backfire. 

It reminded me of something one of my friends said.  Four or five of her son’s school friends are in the habit of coming round to her house after school and playing there.  The kids open the cupboards and search out chocolate and other snacks and eat them without asking permission, and leave the house in a mess.  My good natured friend doesn’t want to tell them off, even though she is annoyed. 

The longer she leaves it, the harder it will be.  Imagine how wild these children, who are now eight, will be when they are teenagers.  Perhaps my friend needs to join a cult or something, to find a way to put the children off coming to her house. 

“Before you play, beloved children, let us all read from the guru’s guidebook on how to avoid going to hell!”

 

Vocabulary:

the gist of something – the substance or general meaning of a speech, text, etc.

[eg., I couldn’t catch everything, but I understood the gist of what she said.]

for something to backfire – for something to have the opposite effect of what was intended

[eg., The politician tried to win popularity by being seen at a rock concert.  But his plan backfired when people asked why he didn’t pay for the tickets.]

to put someone off doing something – to cause someone to lose interest or enthusiasm

[eg., Many people are put off eating natto by the smell.]

 

How do you say ‘Woof’ in Cat? －「ワン」は猫語で何と言いますか？－

A recent scientific study used dna comparisons and archaeological evidence to estimate the time and place that modern cats became domesticated.  The researchers concluded that cats were domesticated in northern Africa, which is not surprising, given the respect that ancient Egyptians had for the animals.  The study also estimated that cats became domesticated around 3.5 to 4 thousand years ago, and spread around the world from Egypt. 

They probably proved useful to early farmers as hunters of mice and rats. 

To celebrate, here are some observations about cats. 

“Had I the time to keep a diary, I’d use that time to better effect; sleeping on the veranda.”

The cat narrator of “I am a Cat,” by Natsume Soseki 

“There are all sorts of cats, just like there are all sorts of people.”

From “Kafka on the Shore,” by Haruki Murakami 

“Most people look at cats and think – what a life – all we do is lie around in the sun, never having to lift a finger. But cats’ lives aren’t that idyllic. Cats are powerless, weak little creatures that injure easily. We don’t have shells like turtles, nor wings like birds. We can’t burrow into the ground like moles or change colours like a chameleon.  The world has no idea how many cats are injured every day, how many of us meet a miserable end.”

From “Kafka on the Shore”

 

“I would like to see anyone, prophet king or god, convince 1,000 cats to do the same thing at the same time.”

From “The Sandman,” by Neil Gaiman

 

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”

Robert A. Heinlein

 

“If cats looked like frogs, we’d realise what nasty, cruel little [creatures] they are.  Style – that’s what people remember.”

From “Lords and Ladies,” by Terry Pratchett

 

“

‘What is there in this world that truly makes living worthwhile?’

Death thought about it for a while.

‘Cats’, he said eventually.  ‘Cats are nice.’

”

From “Sourcery,” by Terry Pratchett

 

“

‘Meow’ means ‘Woof’ in cat.

”

Comedian George Carlin

 

Weaving Romances with a Neanderthal’s Lips －ネアンデルタール人の唇でロマンスを送ることー

“Darling, come over here and sit next to me.” 

“Why?” 

“I’ve had an idea that I think you’ll like.  Open your mouth a little bit – that’s it!  Now I’m going to initiate a non-aggressive, mouth to mouth contact, with lip movement, but no transfer of food.” 

“Well, it doesn’t sound so exciting, but if it makes you happy then I’ll give it a go.  What do you call it?” 

“A kiss.” 

* 

This week, some scientists studying the evolution of kissing in animals published some interesting research.  They found that many animals, including polar bears, chimpanzees and bonobos kissed.  They also noted that Neanderthals and humans must have kissed each other, since Neanderthals had the same bacteria in their saliva as modern humans do.  This suggests that they had been swapping saliva, even after they became separate species. 

The scientists suggested that the most likely date for the evolution of the kiss amongst apes like us is about 21 million years ago. 

It is not known why the kiss evolved.  Perhaps the exchange of saliva also involved an exchange of information.  You may have been able to taste some illness or unfortunate condition in the cute, lumpy Neanderthal you were kissing at the caveman disco, and decided that the relationship should end with just a kiss. 

“Leave me one thing before we part,

A kiss to build a dream on…

Oh, give me your lips for just one moment,

And my imagination will make that moment live.”

From Harry Ruby song, “A Kiss to Build a Dream On”, performed by Louis Armstrong

  

Lumpy Russian Pancakes －ボコボコしたロシアのパンケーキー

Recently I have been reading a book called, “Putin’s People,” about the rise to power of the Russian president. 

It is an interesting book.  But as well as the politics, I have enjoyed reading some Russian proverbs which occasionally appear.  Many of them are similar to English equivalents, while others are interestingly different.  Here are a few which I found in the book or online.

 

“The first pancake is lumpy”

It takes time to get things right.  Practice makes perfect.

 

“If you know too much, you get old very quickly.”

Sometimes it is better not to know.  Curiosity killed the cat.

 

“A word is not a sparrow.  Once it flies out, you won’t catch it.”

You can’t take back something once you have said it.  So be careful what you say.

 

“A wolf is fed by its legs.”

You have to work hard for success.  Laziness doesn’t pay.

 

“Even a hedgehog can understand.”

This is simple.  It is not rocket science.

 

“Don’t bring your own rules into someone else’s monastery.”

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

 

“Love is so cruel that you could fall in love with a goat.”

You could fall in love with anyone, even if they seem inappropriate.  Love is blind.

 

“If you are scared of wolves, don’t go into the forest.”

If you can’t handle the task, then don’t get involved.  If you can’t stand the heat, keep out of the kitchen.

 

“If you are going to call yourself a mushroom, then get in the basket.”

Stop talking about doing something and just do it.  Put your money where your mouth is.

 

The Lottery of Death －死亡の抽選－

“A dreaded sunny day, so I meet you at the cemetery gates –

Keats and Yeats are on your side,

While Wilde is on mine.”

From The Smiths song, “Cemetry Gates”

 

This is nothing to do with the recently passed Halloween, but I quite like walking around graveyards – in the daytime, anyway.  It is particularly nice if you can find the grave of a long dead poet, artist or other admired person. 

So how do you like the idea of resting forever alongside Oscar Wilde or Frederic Chopin in a Paris cemetery? 

That chance is being offered to residents of the city.  Because it is the responsibility of families to maintain the graves of their deceased loved ones and not the Paris authorities, many old Parisian gravestones and monuments have fallen into disrepair.  The local government wants to tidy up these old, ruined graves.  So they are offering residents of Paris the chance to buy one of them.  If they do, they will be guaranteed a spot in the graveyard for themselves when they pass on.  This is a rare privilege, since the graveyards inside the city limits have been basically full for around 100 years.  The buyer will then be responsible for restoring the old grave, as well as preparing their own. 

Although it will be an expensive commitment, many wealthy Parisians have applied to join the scheme.  Because demand is higher than supply, the city authorities are holding a lottery draw. 

The lucky winners of the lottery of death will be able to sleep forever close to other famous residents, such as Edith Piaf, Marcel Proust, and Edgar Degas.

Piaf and Sartre are on your side, while Wilde is on mine.

 

A Gift to Knock Your Socks Off －すごい！と思わせる贈り物－

My mother asked me what I wanted as a birthday present recently, and I struggled to come up with an answer.  “What do I want, that is reasonably priced and small enough to post?” I thought.  “Ummm… socks?” 

It isn’t easy to pick gifts.  Pity the poor civil servants who have to prepare presents for Donald Trump.  It is customary for world leaders to receive gifts when they visit foreign nations.  What do you buy a man who has everything, and who believes he deserves even more? 

How about a gold crown?  That’s what South Korea gave to Trump this week.  It is easy to see why they thought he would like it. 

A 400 million Dollar jet?  Qatar gifted a plane to the American president, who promised to donate it to his presidential library when he leaves office. 

It can also be embarrassing if the gift that you give another person doesn’t match the value of the one that they have given you. 

When Obama was the president and he visited the U.K. to meet our prime minister, Gordon Brown, they exchanged gifts.  Brown gave Obama a  specially made pen holder crafted from the wood of a famous anti-slavery ship, as well as a biography of Winston Churchill.  Obama gave Brown a box set of dvds of Hollywood movies. 

He probably would have been better with a pair of nice socks.

 

Vocabulary:

to knock someone’s socks off – to amaze or impress someone

[eg., You must try this tiramisu.  It will knock your socks off!]