Liberating Lunches －気分を楽にさせるランチ－

My friends have been taking advantage of me for years, and I’ve had enough.  Whenever I meet my friends for lunch, we split the bill 50 – 50.  And they have been ripping me off. 

For instance, my friend from England always takes disposable chopsticks from the restaurant, while I am bringing plastic chopsticks from home.  So I am imposing a 10 per cent charge on him.  From now on, we will split the bill 45 – 55, in my favour. 

My friend from France adds milk and sugar to her coffee, and I don’t.  I am imposing a 20 per cent levy on her.  From now on we split the bill 40 – 60. 

Worst of all is my friend from Tokyo.  Last time when we met in Mr. Donut he had three free coffee refills.  I can’t drink coffee so fast.  So I’m imposing a 30 per cent charge on that guy.  From now on we will split our Mr. Donut bill 35 – 65. 

I am sure that all of my friends will respect me more for putting myself first for once.

 

Vocabulary:

to take advantage of someone – to treat someone unfairly, using their weakness for your own benefit

[eg., I think your boss is taking advantage of you.  You should stop agreeing to do overtime for free.]

to split the bill – to divide the cost, usually in a restaurant

to rip someone off – a casual phrase meaning to cheat someone by making them pay too much money

[eg., I thought I had bought a valuable antique.  But I was ripped off.  It isn’t valuable at all.]

 

A Dental Nurse Far, Far Away －はるか彼方の歯科衛生士ー

This didn’t happen to me.  I heard about it from someone long ago, who lives far, far away.  He told me: 

* 

I went to the dentist recently to have my teeth cleaned. 

There was a new dental nurse who had the job of carrying out the cleaning, and it was a bit uncomfortable at times. 

She seemed to misposition some of the tools she was using in my mouth, especially the gadget that squirts out water.  One time it started squirting water out of the side of my mouth, down my neck, and from there dribbling onto the chair.  Another time the water went squirting up my nose. 

“Is everything all right?” she would ask, from time to time. 

“Urghhh,” I answered, meaning, “Yes, you’re doing a wonderful job.  Please don’t hurt me.” 

I have a basic policy of not complaining about the work someone is doing while they have some sort of drilling machine inside my mouth.  If I had gotten her angry, what could she have done to me? 

[

Suddenly I hear a loud rumbling noise, like the revving of a motorbike engine.  The nurse is turning up the power of the drill, past the legal maximum setting.  The dentist bursts in from a side door and shouts, “Nurse, no!  You can’t turn the drill up to level eleven!  We don’t know what it would do to him…”

] 

So I said nothing, and used the paper bib to wipe up the water. 

When we were done, the nurse started fishing for compliments. 

“You actually had a lot of stains on your teeth, but they’re clean now.” 

“Thank you so much,” I said. 

Of course my teeth were stained.  That is why I was having them cleaned. 

Perhaps the next time I get a haircut, my barber will say, “You actually had a lot of hair on your head until I cut it.” 

* 

I tell a lot of jokes and use humour and exaggeration in these blog posts.  If any dental nurses happen to read this post, please remember that.  Don’t be angry.

Vocabulary:

to fish for compliments – to subtly or indirectly try to get people to say nice things about you

 

Choosing Happiness －幸せを選ぶことー

A United Nations report into happiness around the world has just been released.  Predictably, the top ten countries included five Nordic countries, with Finland coming in first.  Perhaps more surprisingly, a few middle income countries made the top ten, such as Costa Rica and Mexico.  The U.N. cited close family ties and good social networks as important factors for these countries’ high ranking. 

Britain and Japan didn’t make the top ten.  So maybe we need some advice on how to be happy. 

1

“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.”

Abraham Lincoln

 

This is a typical politician’s excuse.  The education system is in a mess?  You can’t find a job?:  Don’t worry, be happy! (And don’t blame us.)

 

2

“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.”

Ernest Hemingway

 

Maybe we shouldn’t improve the education system then.  Perhaps it is better not to have any understanding of all the ways the world is going wrong.

 

3

“Happiness is not something ready made.  It comes from your own actions.”

The Dalai Lama

 

Abraham Lincoln just wants you to decide to be happy.  The Dalai Lama actually wants you to put some work in.  No wonder I’m not as happy as I might be.  I’m too lazy to meditate every day.

 

4

“Man only likes to count his troubles: he doesn’t calculate his happiness.”

Fyodor Dostoevsky

 

I didn’t see Russia anywhere near the top of the list.  Maybe reading too much Dostoevsky and Tolstoy has warped the Russian mind.

 

Tricked by a Scotsman －スコットランド人男性に騙されること－

I have not been feeling well this week, and have done little except stay at home and listen to audio books and music.  I listened to an old folk song and enjoyed the lyrics.  It is a Scottish folk song, which tells of how a Scotsman escaped from a prison in Northumberland in the north of England by tricking a young girl. 

I have edited and summarised the lyrics below.  The song is “The Flower of Northumberland”. 

The word “lass” or “lassie” is a Scottish word, meaning a young woman or girl.

 

Verse 1:

The provost’s daughter was walking alone -

Oh, and her love it was easy won -

When she heard a Scots prisoner shout and groan –

Aye, and she was the flower of Northumberland –

Saying, “If only a lassie would borrow a key,” –

Oh, but her love it was easy won –

“I would make her a lady of high degree,

If she set me free from this prison of stone.”

 

In verse 2, the provost’s daughter steals a key and her father’s best horse, and runs away with the Scots prisoner, expecting to become his wife.

 

Verse 3:

As they were riding across the Scots grass,

He cried, “Oh, but your love it was easy won,

Get down from my horse, you’re a brazen faced lass,

Although you’re the flower of Northumberland.

For I have a wife in my own home true -

Oh, but your love it was easy won -

And I cannot do anything with a lassie like you.,

So you’ll need to go back to Northumberland.”

 

In Verse 4, the provost’s daughter begs the Scots prisoner to take her to Scotland, even as his cook.  For she feels she cannot go back to Northumberland to face the shame of her actions.  But the Scots prisoner refuses, and hires an old man and a horse to take her back to her parents.

 

Verse 5:

And when she came home her father did frown,

And he cried, “Oh, but your love it was easy won,

For to go with a Scotsman when you’re barely sixteen,

And you the fair flower of Northumberland!”

Ah, but when she came in her mother did smile,

She said, “Oh, and your love it was easy won,

But you’re not the first lass that a Scot has beguiled,

So you’re welcome back home to Northumberland.”

 

I’m not sure what the moral of the story is.  A mother’s love can forgive her child anything?  It is never too late to go back?  You can’t blame a girl for being tricked by a Scotsman, because they are all such good liars?

 

Vocabulary:

brazen – bold and without shame

[eg., The brazen thief stole the money in daylight, with many people watching.]

to beguile someone – to charm or enchant someone, especially using trickery

[eg., The politician beguiled voters with his smooth promises.]

 

Pricking Your Ears Up －耳を澄ますこと－

I have just started reading a book called “Walking the Nile” by Levison Wood.  In the book, a former soldier recounts his experiences of trying to walk the entire length of the River Nile, from Rwanda to Egypt’s Mediterranean coast. 

In one episode, while walking through Tanzania, Levison and his companion Boston hire two local Tanzanians to act as porters.  The two locals are to help carry the camping gear that Levison is bringing with him through Tanzania.  Despite agreeing to the task, the two Tanzanians are sullen and unfriendly.  They mutter darkly to one another behind Levison and Boston’s backs. 

One night, the two are talking darkly to one another in their own language, Swahili.  Boston hasn’t let on that he too can speak this language, and he listens in to what they are saying. 

They are planning to tie the foreigners to a tree and steal all of their valuables. 

Levison and Boston then reveal that they had understood what was being said, and threaten the men.  Shortly afterwards, the porters leave and Boston and Levison have to dump part of their heavy gear and carry on by themselves. 

Pricking your ears up to surreptitiously listen to what others are saying is not generally considered polite, but it can be useful! 

I have never overheard such a dramatic threat before.  But I have overheard the odd funny conversation. 

I remember standing in a queue at a Chinese restaurant, waiting to place an order with the owner.  I listened to the man in front of me in the queue choosing what to eat. 

“Um… You don’t have any of those noodles in a Thai sauce, do you?” the man asks. 

The restauranteur sounds extremely offended. 

“But Sir, this is a Chinese restaurant, not a Thai restaurant!” 

“Okay, never mind,” says the customer, defensively.  “Sometimes Chinese restaurants have Thai dishes as well.  I’ll just have the mixed Chinese noodles instead then.” 

I got to the front of the queue.  I could hardly contain my laughter at the conversation I had overheard and I was dying to say, “Um, you don’t have any of those Italian style spaghetti noodles, do you?” 

Sadly, the first customer was still within earshot.  If I could overhear him, then he could overhear me, and I didn’t want to make him angry.  I played it safe and ordered lemon chicken instead.

 

Vocabulary:

sullen – showing irritation or a bad mood by expressions or silence

[eg., I tried to cheer the child up.  But he was sullen because we hadn’t gone to the restaurant that he had wanted to.]

to let on – to allow something to be known

[eg., Don’t let on that you have noticed her scar.  She is very sensitive about it.]

surreptitiously – done using stealth or secrecy

[eg., The undercover policeman surreptitiously looked at the group of criminals, trying to memorise their faces.]

  

Dying to Try those Noodles —その麺を死ぬほど食べてみたい－

I remember one of my university lecturers bemoaning the fact that his students lacked individuality, and tended to follow each other’s lead. 

“If you saw a few students jumping out of the window, would you just jump out too?” he asked us. 

“Fair enough,” I remember thinking.  “People sometimes do something stupid just because others are doing it.  But the impulse of humans to follow the crowd must have evolved for a good reason.” 

I imagined a bunch of panicked students jumping up onto the table, and my lecturer refusing to join them.  Then the lecturer would get bitten by a poisonous snake that had escaped from the university’s biology department, and which was slithering across the floor. 

Taking the time to calmly think things through by yourself isn’t always the best option. 

The point of the story is that, for better or worse, humans have a tendency to follow the crowd, and copy what others are doing. 

An odd story from China this week illustrates this.  A social media influencer enthused about the great quality of the spicy noodles he ate at a funeral home in Guizhou province in China. 

Lots of Chinese foodies wanted to sample the funeral home’s noodles.  So lots of people started turning up at the funeral home and pestering the staff, asking to be allowed to try the noodles, which are supposed to be for bereaved families. 

Some foodies went so far as to pretend to be relatives of the deceased, in order to sneak in and try the dish. 

Another social media influencer bemoaned the fact that none of his acquaintances in Guizhou would die. 

I wonder how my old lecturer from 25 years ago is coping in the world of internet crazes, memes and social media mobs?

 

Vocabulary:

to bemoan something – to express discontent or sorrow over something

[eg., She bemoaned the increase in the cost of her rent.]

to slither – to move smoothly over a surface with a twisting motion, like a snake

[eg., The snake slithered away.]

to pester someone – to trouble or annoy someone with frequent requests or interruptions

[eg., A persistent salesman kept pestering me to sign up to his insurance scheme.]

a meme – an image, video, piece of text, etc. that is copied and spread rapidly by internet users

[eg., The video of a Spanish man’s despair at watching his girlfriend cheat on him has become an internet meme.]

 

An Elevator Tip －エレベーターのティップ（コツ＋チップ）－

I have a lesson plan about the custom of tipping.  I ask my students to tell me their experiences of paying tips in foreign countries. 

One student told me today that he was in a luxury hotel in the U.K..  His room was on the fifth floor, so my student got into the elevator to go to his room. 

“Which floor, Sir?” asked a uniformed elevator operator. 

“Five,” said my student, and then he started to panic. 

“Am I supposed to tip this person?” he wondered.  “Or will he be terribly offended if I hand him some loose change?” 

My student’s hand went into his pocket to fish out a few coins, and he glanced at the elevator operator’s face.  The staff member was impassive and unreadable.  The elevator doors opened. 

“Fifth floor,” said the man. 

My student slunk out of the lift without offering a tip, unsure if he had done the right thing. 

“And what happened after that?” I asked him. 

“Well, I got a lot of exercise,” he said.  “I had to walk up and down five flights of stairs every day to avoid using the elevator again.”

 

Vocabulary:

to fish something out – to pull something out after searching for it

[e.g., He fished a tissue out of his pocket.]

to slink (out) – to walk (out) quietly, so that you are not noticed

[e.g., The student tried to slink out of the lecture hall without the lecturer noticing him.]