Strange Mornings －奇妙な朝－

My eight year old son was having difficulty getting ready for school in time in the mornings.  He tended to get distracted, especially by books.  When he was supposed to be brushing his teeth, we would find him lying on the floor, reading a book.  When he was supposed to be putting things into his school bag, we would find him leaning against a wall, flicking through manga. 

For a while we tried just telling him off for getting distracted, but the problem persisted.  So I came up with a solution.  I asked him what book or manga he wanted to read, and then left it by the front door.  If he could brush his teeth, prepare his school bag, put his shoes on and so on, then he could start reading his book.  This worked so well that soon he was ready 25 minutes before he had to leave for school, and was sitting quietly by the door, reading his favourite book. 

But it was summer, and there is no air conditioner at the front door.  It was very hot there.  So we wanted to let him read a book in the living room.  But we also wanted him to have his shoes on, so that he was totally ready to go to school.  Therefore I let him put his shoes on and pick up his book at the front door.  Then I laid some newspaper on the floor in front of our sofa in the living room.  Then I picked my son up and carried him into the living room.  He could then sit on the sofa without worrying about his outdoor shoes touching the floor. 

My wife later came up with a refinement to this procedure.  She has gotten rid of the need for newspapers on the floor.  She bought two shower caps, designed to be worn over your hair when you take a shower.  She puts these over my son’s shoes, allowing him to walk around inside our house with his outdoor shoes on underneath.  He then only needs to take the shower caps off before he leaves for school in the morning. 

Our mornings are now regularly accompanied by the sound of swishing plastic as my son enters the living room with his book.  He puts me in mind of a robot walking through our house. 

I can’t decide.  Are we very clever parents, or quite mad?

 

Bad Omens －凶兆－

I have been reading a book recently about the history of the ancient world. 

There was an interesting story from Mesopotamia, which in the modern world is part of Iraq.  More than 4,000 years ago, the king of one city was worried about the poor state his city was in.  So he consulted a fortune teller. 

“What do the omens say,” he asked the fortune teller.  “Do I have a bright future?” 

The fortune teller shook his head. 

“I am sorry, Your Majesty.  The omens are not good.  They say that the king will face great disaster.” 

Instead of punishing the fortune teller, the king came up with what seemed like an ingenious plan.  He had one of his lowliest servants brought to him.  The king told this man – who tidied up his gardens – that he would be king for the day.  He could enjoy eating the king’s food, enjoying the company of the king’s women, and enjoying every luxury, and he would revert to his role as gardener the next day. 

Secretly, the king planned to have this gardener murdered during his day spent as the king.  Thus, the bad fate predicted by the fortune teller would fall onto the head of the gardener, not the real king. 

According to this ancient story, the king died while eating some soup on the very day that the gardener was living as the king.  The gardener refused to give up the kingship, and ruled for another 24 years. 

Was an ancient god angry that the king had tried to cheat his fate?  Or did the gardener slip some poisoned herbs into the king’s soup?

 

 

 

Cold Humour —冷たいユーモア－

I recently finished reading an interesting book about the history of the cold war between America and the Soviet Union. 

People in the Soviet Union experienced shortages of goods in shops and long queues to buy things in the 1980s.  There were a couple of funny jokes from that time included in the book.

 

1

A woman in Saint Petersburg waits in a long queue at a butcher’s.  Eventually, when she gets to the front, she finds that the store has run out of meat. 

“Don’t you have any meat at all?” she asks. 

“No, we are all out,” replies the clerk. 

“Well,” says the woman, “Do you at least have some milk here?” 

The clerk shakes his head.  “We only deal in meat.  The shop which has run out of milk is across the road.”

 

2

A man in Moscow waits in a long queue to buy vodka.  He waits for an hour and still hasn’t gotten near the front. 

“This is ridiculous!” he exclaims.  “I can’t stand these queues any more.  I’m off to kill Gorbachev.” 

The other people in the crowd watch him stomp off.  Eventually, an hour later, he comes back and rejoins the queue. 

“What happened?” ask the others.  “Did you really kill Gorbachev?” 

“Are you kidding?” says the man.  “That queue is twice as long as this one.”

 

Why Do I Keep Getting Adverts for Salted Peanuts? －塩ピーナッツの広告ばかりもらっているのはなぜか－

The CEO of Britain’s largest supermarket this week suggested that they may start using artificial intelligence to influence their customers’ purchasing decisions.  Around 22 million people in Britain have signed up to Tesco’s Club card.  If they use the card to get discounts on their shopping, the supermarket can collect data on what they are buying. 

Tesco’s CEO, Ken Murphy, said that this data could be used to “nudge” shoppers into making healthier choices.  He suggested that an AI programme could let shoppers know that the items they have bought contain more than their recommended intake of salt, for example, and suggest healthier alternatives. 

It sounds like a helpful idea in theory.  But wouldn’t supermarkets be tempted instead to sell the data on their customers to companies, in order for them to prey upon the customers’ weaknesses more effectively? 

“Mrs. Smith is eating too much salt.  So why not target her with more adverts for salty junk food?  She obviously can’t resist it!”

 

Vocabulary:

to nudge someone into doing something – to gently push someone, or apply pressure to someone, in order to encourage them to do something

[eg., The government has introduced a tax on sugary drinks, in order to nudge people into drinking healthier alternatives.]

The Octopus that Lost Two Legs －足を2本失くしたタコ－

My son seems to have become more comfortable speaking English at home since we spent 18 days in Scotland over the summer.  Before going to Scotland, my wife and I had to keep telling him to speak English at home, and he kept switching back into Japanese.  I haven’t had to tell him to use English recently.

But because he doesn’t use English at school, there are many things he doesn’t know how to say in English.  He didn’t know the names of the months, for example.

So my wife decided to teach him the names of the months in English, from January to December.

I heard her telling him that October was the tenth month.  She tried to tell my son about an interesting fact about October.

“October is the tenth month,” she said, “But ‘oct’ means a different number, not 10.  Think of an octopus.  Can you guess what number ‘oct’ means?”

“An octopus has eight legs, so it must be eight,” said my son.

So far so clever.  Of course we actually call the “legs’ of an octopus “tentacles,” but he was doing very well with his answer.

“And can you guess why the name of the tenth month means ‘eighth month’?” she asked.

That was quite a difficult question.  The real reason is that October used to be the eighth month.  Then two Roman emperors added an extra month each, which pushed October back.  Julius Caesar added July and Augustus added August.

My son’s face lit up.  “I’ve got it!” he said.  “Octopuses used to have ten legs.  Then they evolved, and now they have only eight!”

It was an imaginative answer.  Maybe in the waters around Osaka, an octopus which evolved with two fewer tasty looking tentacles to be put into takoyaki would have a survival advantage.

Daddy’s Bacon －お父さんのベーコン－

One of the things that excited me about going back to Scotland recently was the chance to eat many different kinds of food which are unavailable in Japan.  I had a list of different foods I wanted to eat while I had the chance. 

One such food was bacon.  Of course you can get bacon in Japan, but it doesn’t taste the same as the bacon in Scotland.  Scotland’s bacon is much saltier.  Bacon in Japan tastes to me like ham.  My son loves bacon in Japan, and so I told him over and over before we went to Scotland, “You are going to love this real bacon!” 

I had plenty of opportunities to enjoy the local bacon during my trip, including eating three bacon rolls before heading to the airport on my way back to Japan. 

Other meat dishes I enjoyed were haggis, black pudding, square sausage and sausage rolls.  Haggis is the signature dish of Scotland.  It is a meat pudding, containing the minced meat of a sheep’s heart, liver and lungs, chopped onion and oatmeal and spices, inside a sheep’s stomach.  It is honestly nicer than it sounds.  I had it with mashed potatoes and turnips. 

One dessert I wanted to have was rhubarb crumble.  Rhubarb is a vegetable, but it is often used in desserts, as if it were a fruit.  It has a strong, tart taste, and goes well with custard.  I managed to get one rhubarb crumble, although it was from a supermarket and not freshly made.  It was still nice, though. 

It is not surprising that I enjoyed the food of my home country.  But how did my eight year old son fare?  He has been raised in Japan and, in addition to bacon, loves wakame seaweed, shirasu fish, and natto. 

My son didn’t eat haggis or some of the more challenging foods.  We often had to buy some Japanese style noodles in the Asian section of the supermarket for him to eat instead of what I was eating.  Still, he seemed satisfied with the Scottish bacon I had recommended so highly.  He liked Scottish baked potatoes, and plenty of sandwiches. 

Yesterday I heard my son whispering to my wife, “Don’t tell Daddy.” 

“I wonder what that is about?” I thought.  “It’s not my birthday, is it?” 

I waited until my son was out of the room, and asked my wife what the secret was. 

I had been reminiscing about all the good food we had enjoyed in Scotland.  “Remember that lovely bacon we enjoyed…” 

My son had been whispering to his mother, “Don’t tell Daddy that I didn’t like the Scottish bacon.”  Apparently it was so salty he could only eat a few bites.

Vocabulary:

tart – as an adjective, tart means having a sharp taste, tasting very sour or acidic

[eg., Tart apples are best for cooking in a pie.]

to reminisce – to indulge in enjoyable recollection of past events

[eg., My friend and I reminisced about our days at school together.]

 

Sleeping on the Move －移動中に寝ること－

I have just come back from an eighteen day holiday in Scotland.  I will probably write a bit more about Scotland next week. 

But today I want to write about something I discovered during the journey.  I figured out how to get a little sleep during the long trip. 

The trip from Haneda to Glasgow Airport took about 20 hours.  That included a ten hour flight to Dubai, two hours in Dubai Airport, and an eight hour flight to Scotland.  The trip back took about 24 hours.  The return was longer because we had six and a half hours in Dubai Airport. 

I have never really been able to sleep on planes or buses.  So the thought of the long journey is very daunting.  I can’t sleep by reclining my chair.  Nor can I sleep by putting a pillow around my neck and leaning to the side in my chair.  My son stretched out for a while across two seats and slept.  But how can an adult sleep on the plane? 

Well, my wife managed a few hours sleep by extending the food tray in front of her and resting her head on a pillow on the tray.  I tried to copy this trick, but found that I was not small enough to bend my head onto the tray in front of me. 

I was beginning to despair of getting any sleep at all when my wife woke up and suggested a solution.  I was too tall to bend my head onto the tray in front, but I could put my head onto the tray of the seat diagonally in front of me.  In other words, I put the pillow on the tray of the seat in front of my wife.  The three of us could then take turns to shift our positions and get some sleep each. 

The way back was even easier.  For the first time we decided to book one of the lounges in Dubai Airport for four hours.  It was expensive, and the free buffet, bar and games room were completely wasted on me.  But they did have some lovely long couches that I could lie flat on and use to catch a few hours sleep.  Paying hundreds of pounds for a little shut-eye in the middle of my 24 hour journey felt like the best decision I had ever made! 

We returned home to Nerima after 1 o’clock on Tuesday morning.  But I managed to teach two lessons on Tuesday afternoon, and by Thursday morning I was back to normal, with no jet lag.  Thank goodness I have learned to sleep on the move.

 

Vocabulary:

to be daunting – about a future task, seeming difficult to do

[eg., The mountain climb was a little too daunting for me, so I decided to try an easier climb instead.]

to recline a seat – to move a seat back into a sloping position

[eg., Please wait until after take off to recline your seat.]

Shut-eye – an informal English word for sleep

[eg., I am tired.  I need to get a little shut-eye.]