A cynical British view on European unity －欧州統合に対するイギリスのシニカルな見方－

(The UK Prime Minister discusses the British policy on Europe with his top civil servant)

Civil Servant: Minister, Britain has had the same foreign policy objective for at least the last 500 years: to create a disunited Europe.  In that cause we have fought with the Germans against the French; with the French and Italians against the Germans; and with the French against the Germans and Italians.  Divide and rule, you see?  Why should we change now when it’s worked so well?

Prime Minister: That’s all ancient history, surely?

Civil Servant: Yes, and current policy.  We had to break [the EU] up, so we had to get inside.  We tried to break it up from the outside, but that wouldn’t work.  Now that we’re inside we can... set the Germans against the French; the French against the Italians; the Italians against the Dutch...

From 1980s political comedy tv show, “Yes, Prime Minister” 

Britain’s recent decision to leave the EU reminded me of an old episode from the tv show “Yes, Prime Minister”, from the late 1980s.  The writers of the comedy show imagined a civil servant having to explain to the naive British Prime Minister that we don’t really trust our European partners, and that we only joined the EU (at that time still called the EEC) in order to make sure that it didn’t work.

I can imagine the civil servant bemoaning the decision to leave the EU.  Without Britain constantly complaining, arguing and messing things up, perhaps the EU will start to work well.  They might create their own European army, move to integrate their economies better, and speak with a more united voice on the world stage.

And how will Britain achieve its long-term goal of keeping Europe disunited then? 

 

Vocabulary:

a civil servant – someone employed in a government job; someone tasked with carrying out government policy

foreign policy – a country’s relations with other countries, and diplomatic goals

an objective – a goal; something one wants to achieve

disunited – not united; divided or separated

to bemoan – to complain or express great disappointment about

to mess something up – to make something fail, break, perform badly etc.

to integrate – to bring together; to make two or more things come together to work as a whole

 

Why I support Britain remaining in the EU －イギリスのEU残留を支持する理由－

As I write this, the polling stations are opening in the UK to allow people to vote in the in/out referendum regarding the EU.  So it is too late to convince anyone who might read this to change their mind.  But perhaps future archaeologists trying to figure out why in 2016 - World War III suddenly broke out, Britain’s civilization fell, and the UK became a wasteland of cannibals - will find this blog and get some clue as to how the disaster happened.

Okay, I’m only joking.  Whatever the public decides, I’m sure civilization will survive.  There will likely be a shock to the economy and the pound will drop in value if we leave.  Relations with the EU will probably be poor for years to come.  But perhaps the benefits of leaving are worth a little disruption?

I don’t think so.  And I can explain how I came to that conclusion by comparing the current referendum over whether to leave the EU with the 2014 Scottish referendum over whether to leave the UK.  I supported Scotland’s independence in the 2014 referendum, but I don’t support Britain leaving the EU.

I was excited during the Scottish independence campaign by hearing pro-independence politicians talking about their model for Scotland’s success as an independent country.  They talked about imitating small, independent north-European countries like Norway, Sweden and Denmark.  I imagined Scotland becoming more egalitarian, with a fairer tax system and better public services, like they have in those countries.

In contrast, the politicians who support Britain leaving the EU come from the other side of politics.  And they have been talking about making Britain’s economy more efficient by “relaxing rules”.  In practice, what that would probably mean is taking away protections and benefits for workers.  The society I imagine they want to imitate is the United States.  In the US, there are fewer business regulations and trade restrictions.  But there is also no free health-care system, few protections for workers when they get sick or want to take maternity or paternity leave and so on.

There’s a good expression in English which sums up the feeling that although things are not perfect now, a proposed change might make things even worse: Better the Devil you know.  Let’s stick with the Devilish EU., rather than what worse Devils Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage (Leave campaigners) want to make for us. 

Vocabulary:

an archaeologist – Someone who studies the events of the past by digging in the ground to find

artefacts such as old coins or pieces of pottery

to break out – for something to suddenly happen, especially something bad such as war or a fever

a wasteland – an unproductive or severely damaged area

a cannibal – a human who eats other humans

disruption – confusion or difficulties caused by a change

pro- - in favour of

egalitarian – of a society, dividing things fairly or evenly

 

Calling for a hamburger revolution －ハンバーガー革命、求む－

Hamburgers of the world, arise and cast off your chains!

Why am I calling for a hamburger revolution?  Let’s go back a little and consider hamburger evolution.

All things are subject to constant change, incremental improvement or adaptation to evolving circumstances.  The hamburger is essentially an adapted sandwich.  It became popular as a kind of street food sold at stalls during the 1904 St. Louis World Fair.  So even from its beginnings, the hamburger was designed to meet the public’s desire for fast food.  It was something you could eat while walking around.

The public is fickle, and the hamburger has had to keep evolving.  Many people are more health-conscious these days.  We worry about how much nutritional balance we are getting from a frozen and re-heated burger and cheap bun.  Some of us like to pretend that our burger is actually a kind of vertical salad, the buns merely serving to hold a healthy meal in place.

This is how I came to be eating a chilli bean, salad and avocado cheeseburger from a well known burger chain in Japan.  All of the ingredients were tasty, and there were plenty of vegetables to salve my conscience.  So what was the problem?

Even if you haven’t eaten such a burger, I am sure you can guess.  I took one delicious bite out of the wobbling tower of ingredients and then all the chilli and avocado squirted out of the back.  I had been given a paper bag to hold my burger with, and it quickly filled up with most of the filling.  Ground beef and a slice of cheese, it turns out, will sit quite nicely in the middle of a burger because they come as large, solid blocks.  All the healthier additions don’t really suit the basic burger design.

Now I am not willing to give up on burgers filled with chilis and avocado chunks.  So I want to see some radical re-design of the hamburger.  I humbly submit some initial ideas below. 

 

1 – Bun flaps

The problem of the hamburger is that it is open all around.  This could be solved with flaps of bread covering the back and sides like a nice haircut, and therefore holding the ingredients in. 

2 – Edible toothpicks

Burger stores have in the past tried to deal with a tall burger by pinning the ingredients together with a toothpick.  This is just a bit of a pain, especially as a blind person, since you risk biting into the toothpick and hurting yourself.  How about using a breadstick – harder than the bun but still edible – to hold it all together?

3 – Specially trained waiters

The problem is the ingredients squirting out of the back of the burger.  So why not have specially trained waiters wearing hygienic gloves positioned at the back of the burger as the customer eats?  They can then catch anything that falls out and push it back in.

4 – Dig a hole

Why should the ground beefburger and cheese slice be solid and round, or square?  Make them ring shaped.  You could also do the same with the upper bun.  Now you can fill in the hole with your avocados and chilis 

5 – The lovers’ burger
Since the problem of ingredients falling out of the burger always occurs at the back side, away from your mouth, then remove any back side.  Double the size of the burger, and have two people eat it at the same time, from both ends.  They will then meet in the middle, with no loss of food.  This will prove financially beneficial since it encourages people to eat even faster to avoid losing out to their partner.  Given the hamburger’s circular shape, it would even be possible to have ThreesomBurgers.

Expect to see one of my WillyNillyBurgers (C) at a chain restaurant near you soon!

 

Vocabulary:

to cast off – to remove and throw away

incremental – bit by bit; one small piece at a time

a stall – a very simple outdoor store, for selling items such as fast food

fickle – of a person, tending to change their mind quickly or often

vertical – of a shape, extending upwards or downwards

to salve one’s conscience – to make one feel better, less guilty etc.

to wobble – of an unsteady object, such as jelly, to shake or move from side to side

to squirt – of a liquid or paste, to be forced at high speed through a narrow hole or opening

a chunk – a thick piece

humbly – modestly; without vanity or pride

edible – able to be eaten

hygienic – clean; safe against germs
  

Who on Earth is relaxing to the sound of a vacuum cleaner? －一体だれが掃除機の音でリラックスしているの？－

I suffer from occasional insomnia.  There are times when my brain seems to get stuck in a state from which it is impossible to drift off to sleep.

I think of my brain as being a car engine (I’m sure it’s a Rolls-Royce), with a gear-box attached in order to regulate the required power output.  If I find myself puzzling over the mysteries of life, replaying an argument in my mind and finding clever points I wish I had made, or worrying about whether I am going to fall asleep or not, then my mind will stay in fifth gear.

So how can you shift to first gear before letting your mind drift to a stop?  No doubt there are many things you could try before going to bed, such as stretching your muscles, taking a bath, or reading a book.  I often listen to slow, relaxing music.

Yet I have recently discovered that there are a huge variety of sounds that different people find relaxing.  When my wife started having difficulty getting to sleep, she did some research and found a specialist web-site with a library of sounds that you can play in the background in order to relax.  How about listening to the purring of a cat?  Or the burbling of a stream?  Or of the distant rumble of city trains?  Or of your mother gently vacuuming in the background?

Huh?

That’s right.  They have gone to the trouble of recording a sound-loop of someone using a vacuum cleaner.  That way you can listen to it all night.

I would have thought that a vacuum cleaner was just about the last thing that you would want to hear.  But maybe it’s all about nostalgia.  My wife found the sound of a chorus of croaking frogs relaxing.  She grew up within earshot of a rice field, where the frogs would gather and croak loudly.  So listening to the noise put her in mind of her childhood.

Perhaps being reminded of your mother cleaning the house (or father, before you cry “sexist!”) makes some people feel safe and warm, as if they were in their childhood home again.

I’m a city boy from Glasgow.  I don’t know if I can find a taped loop of drunken neighbours singing and shouting in order to get the perfect nostalgic soundtrack to fall asleep to.  Until then I’ll be left with my slow, relaxing music.  And my wife’s frogs. 

Vocabulary:

insomnia – the medical condition of having difficulty sleeping

to drift off to sleep – to gently fall asleep

to regulate – to control, adjust

to purr – of a cat, to make a deep sound with its throat, often when stroked

to burble – to make the sound of gently running water, such as a slowly moving stream or river

rumble – a deep, lasting noise such as the passing of a heavy train, or thunder

to croak – of a frog, to make a deep, throaty noise, often to call a mate

within earshot of – close enough to hear 

 

Junk is in the eye of the beholder – Lessons from second-hand British fashion －ガラクタは見る人の目の中にある。中古イギリスファッションからの教訓－

Are British people fashionable?  Imagine a typical street scene in Manchester, or Edinburgh, or Cardiff.  It is a sunny day and pedestrians are passing on the high street.  How do you picture them dressed – in dowdy colours and worn t-shirts, or trendy fashions and chic designs?

Apparently, if you are reading this in Hungary then the chances are good that you are imagining the latter.

I listened to a documentary recently which explained what happens to the mountains of second-hand clothes donated in Britain to charity shops.  The charity shops don’t have the expertise to sell the clothes individually for the maximum profit, so they sell the clothes in bulk to a private company.  The clothes then go on an amazing journey and process of sorting.  This private company moves the clothes to Hungary.  According to the documentary, 100 tons of second-hand clothes are imported into Hungary from Britain every day.  Then the items are laid out on a conveyor belt and local fashion experts pick out the best 5 to 10 per cent of the items for re-sale in Hungary.  The remaining clothes are sent on to less discriminating markets in Africa or Pakistan.  Material which cannot be worn but which can be burned is shredded and turned into energy, and a small per centage (about 1 per cent) ends up as land-fill.

From this mass of donated clothes, a large industry has thus been created in Hungary.  You can find dozens of these second-hand shops, identifiable by a British flag outside the store.  The stores receive a fresh stock of clothes each month, and on days when the new stock is revealed, long queues of eager shoppers form.

One of these shoppers was interviewed and asked why they were buying discarded clothes from the UK.  The woman excitedly praised British fashion.  “They’re so stylish!”  She went on to explain the British clothing brands that she loved, such as Marks and Spencer.

Now I was glad to hear that these clothes were being put to good use.  It’s great that waste is being minimised.  But I can’t get my head around the idea that Britain is either stylish or produces high quality clothes.

I tend to buy reasonably simple clothes.  I often buy trousers and shirts at Gap, and t-shirts at Japanese discount retailer Uniqlo.  The t-shirts usually last at least a couple of years before the material wears out.  When it looks too shabby to be worn outside it goes into my pyjama pile.  In contrast, every t-shirt I buy from Britain is made of super cheap material and wears out within 6 months.  I bought a t-shirt, the design of which was created by Edwyn Collins, a singer-songwriter and artist.  It was a lovely design of a salmon that he had painted.  But the t-shirt was pyjama material before the year was out.  I could have bought 4 Uniqlo t-shirts for the price I paid, and they would have each lasted 4 times as long.

My parents once sent me a cheap shirt that they had picked up in Britain in Primark.  It’s a discount clothing store, something like an Irish/British equivalent of Uniqlo.  But when I tried to put on the shirt, I found that I couldn’t close the buttons.  It had buttons, but the manufacturers had somehow stitched shut all the button holes.  That was straight into the pyjama pile.

Maybe I just have an unfair prejudice against British fashion.  After all, I’m British and I’m not fashionable.  So how can anyone else be?  But the story of Britain’s second-hand clothes shows that beauty, and junk, are in the eyes of the beholder. 

Vocabulary:

dowdy – of clothes, styles etc., boring or unexciting

worn – As an adjective, damaged by repeated use

chic - stylish

to donate – to give as a gift to charity or the needy

the latter – When listing two options, the second one

in bulk – of merchandise, large amounts taken together

a conveyor belt – in factories, a moving belt or platform to transport goods automatically

discriminating – selective, choosy or picky

land-fill – rubbish which is buried underground

a prejudice – an unfair dislike

junk – rubbish or used items of little value

a beholder – someone who beholds, or sees

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” – An English idiom, meaning that each person sees beauty in their own way