Calling for a hamburger revolution －ハンバーガー革命、求む－

Hamburgers of the world, arise and cast off your chains!

Why am I calling for a hamburger revolution?  Let’s go back a little and consider hamburger evolution.

All things are subject to constant change, incremental improvement or adaptation to evolving circumstances.  The hamburger is essentially an adapted sandwich.  It became popular as a kind of street food sold at stalls during the 1904 St. Louis World Fair.  So even from its beginnings, the hamburger was designed to meet the public’s desire for fast food.  It was something you could eat while walking around.

The public is fickle, and the hamburger has had to keep evolving.  Many people are more health-conscious these days.  We worry about how much nutritional balance we are getting from a frozen and re-heated burger and cheap bun.  Some of us like to pretend that our burger is actually a kind of vertical salad, the buns merely serving to hold a healthy meal in place.

This is how I came to be eating a chilli bean, salad and avocado cheeseburger from a well known burger chain in Japan.  All of the ingredients were tasty, and there were plenty of vegetables to salve my conscience.  So what was the problem?

Even if you haven’t eaten such a burger, I am sure you can guess.  I took one delicious bite out of the wobbling tower of ingredients and then all the chilli and avocado squirted out of the back.  I had been given a paper bag to hold my burger with, and it quickly filled up with most of the filling.  Ground beef and a slice of cheese, it turns out, will sit quite nicely in the middle of a burger because they come as large, solid blocks.  All the healthier additions don’t really suit the basic burger design.

Now I am not willing to give up on burgers filled with chilis and avocado chunks.  So I want to see some radical re-design of the hamburger.  I humbly submit some initial ideas below. 

 

1 – Bun flaps

The problem of the hamburger is that it is open all around.  This could be solved with flaps of bread covering the back and sides like a nice haircut, and therefore holding the ingredients in. 

2 – Edible toothpicks

Burger stores have in the past tried to deal with a tall burger by pinning the ingredients together with a toothpick.  This is just a bit of a pain, especially as a blind person, since you risk biting into the toothpick and hurting yourself.  How about using a breadstick – harder than the bun but still edible – to hold it all together?

3 – Specially trained waiters

The problem is the ingredients squirting out of the back of the burger.  So why not have specially trained waiters wearing hygienic gloves positioned at the back of the burger as the customer eats?  They can then catch anything that falls out and push it back in.

4 – Dig a hole

Why should the ground beefburger and cheese slice be solid and round, or square?  Make them ring shaped.  You could also do the same with the upper bun.  Now you can fill in the hole with your avocados and chilis 

5 – The lovers’ burger
Since the problem of ingredients falling out of the burger always occurs at the back side, away from your mouth, then remove any back side.  Double the size of the burger, and have two people eat it at the same time, from both ends.  They will then meet in the middle, with no loss of food.  This will prove financially beneficial since it encourages people to eat even faster to avoid losing out to their partner.  Given the hamburger’s circular shape, it would even be possible to have ThreesomBurgers.

Expect to see one of my WillyNillyBurgers (C) at a chain restaurant near you soon!

 

Vocabulary:

to cast off – to remove and throw away

incremental – bit by bit; one small piece at a time

a stall – a very simple outdoor store, for selling items such as fast food

fickle – of a person, tending to change their mind quickly or often

vertical – of a shape, extending upwards or downwards

to salve one’s conscience – to make one feel better, less guilty etc.

to wobble – of an unsteady object, such as jelly, to shake or move from side to side

to squirt – of a liquid or paste, to be forced at high speed through a narrow hole or opening

a chunk – a thick piece

humbly – modestly; without vanity or pride

edible – able to be eaten

hygienic – clean; safe against germs