A modest 5-point plan for self improvement in 2017 －2017年の自己改善に向けた控えめな5項目プラン－

At New Year it is customary to make resolutions.  These are promises you make to yourself, for the purpose of self improvement.

To make sure I stick to my resolutions, I have decided to write them down here.  That way, if anybody sees that I am failing to stick to them, they can make me re-read my blog and force me to try harder.

Here are my five modest resolutions.

1

Eat more chocolate

I like my dentist.  His eyes light up when he talks about teeth.  Sometimes when he’s explaining some procedure he wants to do, he pulls out a model of a man’s skull, with jaws and teeth, and runs his fingers over it in excitement.

If I’m going to see more of him next year, I’m going to have to eat more sugar.

2

Put away that exercise bike

Who have I been trying to fool?  That exercise bike just sits in the corner.  And sometimes I bump into it if I’m going somewhere useful, like to the drinks cabinet. 

3

Start smoking cigars again

Now that I have a young son, it is important that he knows how harmful smoking is.  I had better start again, so that he can see me coughing.

4

Study Japanese less

Nobody likes a swot.

5

Put on weight

It would make my wife feel much better.  Every day she would look at me and feel slim.  I would have to put on an awful lot of weight though... 

Vocabulary:

to stick to – of a plan, promise etc., to persevere; to continue as originally planned

for one’s eyes to light up – for someone to show their excitement in their expression

to fool (someone) – to make someone believe in a lie

a cigar – a kind of rolled up tobacco, which is bigger than a cigarette, and which is not directly inhaled when smoked

a swot – a slang term for someone who studies too much; a teacher’s pet

 

Notorious Nicholas “Claws” and What a baby wants from Christmas －悪名高きニコラス・クローズ（かぎ爪）、それから赤ちゃんはクリスマスに何がほしいか－

Honest citizens, beware!

The notorious super-villain Nicholas “Claws” is active again.  Police say he is planning to break into honest folks’ homes by climbing down their chimney.

Like an evil Superman, he always commits crime dressed in bright red pyjamas.  He is said to have a team of flying reindeer pulling a sleigh as a getaway vehicle.  Neighbourhood watch schemes are urged to make a list of good, reliable boys and girls to watch the skies for the villain.  They should not go unarmed, so we suggest giving them a large sock or stocking filled with heavy objects to use as a weapon.

A former victim, Mr. B. Crosby, says he is praying for snow, so that his roof is too slippery to climb on.  He also suggests wrapping your valuables in paper, so that Claws will not know what to grab.

Don’t be a victim!  Cover your house in lights and jingling alarm bells.  Keep some crackers ready to scare the reindeer.  And, above all, keep a warm fire going on the hearth.

**

Let’s take our minds off such criminal behaviour.  Christmas is supposed to be about celebrating the birth of a child.  So, in that spirit, we have arranged a second interview with BabyBoyE.  He is now four months old and our special technology has allowed us to translate his “Gwa-Waa-Hyuu” language into English.

Interviewer:
What would you like Santa to give you as a Christmas present? 

BabyBoyE:

What do you mean?  Who is this Santa?  What is a Christmas present? 

Interviewer:

Ah, I forgot.  It’s your first Christmas.  Santa is a kind of... magic person, who gives little children what they most want on one day of the year. 

BabyBoyE:
So you mean, like, I just have to say, “Give me milk now!” and this Santa will come running over and give me milk?

Interviewer:
Well, kind of.  But it’s not just milk he gives.

BabyBoyE:
So then, I shout something like, “Pick me up and give me a cuddle, or I’ll scream until the roof falls in!” and this Santa has to hurry over and give me a cuddle?

Interviewer:
Uhh... Sort of

BabyBoyE:
Well, I don’t think I’ll be needing anything like that. We’ve got a kind of Christmas system going on in our house all year round. And I already know two of those magic people.

**

Merry Christmas from me, BabyBoyE, and MagicMomma.



Vocabulary:

notorious – famous for behaving badly

a villain – the opposite of a hero; someone who does wrong or commits crime

a getaway vehicle – The vehicle – car, motorbike etc. – used by a criminal to escape after committing a crime

to urge – to strongly encourage

unarmed – not carrying a weapon

a hearth – a fireplace

a cuddle – a hug; the act of wrapping your arms around someone

Nursery school students falling off the escalator of life － 出世のエスカレーターから落ちるちびっ子 －

Wouldn’t it be nice if life were like an escalator?  You’d just get on at the bottom and it would carry you effortlessly upwards, ever upwards towards the top.

That seems to be the dream many parents have for their children.  To get a good job you need to go to a good university.  To go to a good university you have to go to a good high school.  To go to a good high school... you have to go to a good nursery school.  So you put all your effort into winning a place for your child at a good nursery school, and he or she will have their future secured.

Because many parents have the same idea, the elite nursery schools have to devise ways to pick out the best kids to give a place to.  You may need a letter of recommendation.  There may be an interview, where the staff judge the parents.  There may even be tests for the children themselves.

I’m not joking.  Someone told me recently about an elite cram school for nursery school age kids.  The school is supposed to help prepare the kids to become actors.  There is an interview and selection process where the most promising children are selected for the school.  The selection process can take place before the children are even two years old.

Can you really be a failure in life – losing your chance to get on the escalator that goes to the top – because you did something wrong when you were one year old?  What did you do wrong?  Did you wet your nappy, perhaps?  Did you try to put the square block into the round hole?  Or didn’t you have a cute enough smile?

And why should selection begin as late as one year old?  Why not weed out the bad kids earlier?  I imagine in ten years time, Japanese cram schools will be selecting the smartest students while they are still in their mothers’ wombs.

Tap, tap, tap!  The examiner strikes his fingers against the nervous mother’s belly.  He leans his head towards the bump.  “Now, Taro.  One kick for ’Yes’, two kicks for ‘No’.  Is Tokyo the capital of Japan?”

This week a group of British academics tried to convince the government to spend less effort teaching young people to be successful, and more effort teaching them to be happy.  They said that, whilst not having money or a good job can be a factor in making people unhappy, issues other than money are just as important.  These include having friends, being able to keep a long-term relationship, staying healthy, and feeling that society is fair.  So they argue that learning to make friends, eat healthily, play sports, and maintain relationships are just as important as learning to do maths or use a computer.  Maybe the super-competitive parents and super-competitive schools should remember that.

Or maybe I’m just jealous because I fell off the escalator when I was 1.  I just stared at the square block in confusion and then peed into the round hole. 

Vocabulary:

a nursery school – a school for young children, usually before the age of five

to secure – to guarantee; to make certain

to devise – to think of; to create

a cram school – a school for extra study after regular school has finished

promising – showing or having a bright future; being likely to do well

a nappy – British English for a diaper; something worn by young children and some adults who cannot use a toilet

to wet one’s nappy – to urinate into a nappy

to weed (someone or something) out – to remove the unwanted (someone or something) from the group

a womb – the part of a woman’s body where children stay until they are born

a bump – an area which sticks out from a flat surface

an academic – someone who researches or lectures at a university

competitive - having an environment where people try to get ahead of others

to pee – a childish way of saying to urinate

 

Showing a red light to the perfect map －完璧な地図に赤信号を送ること－

“The more accurate the map, the more it resembles the territory.  The most accurate map possible would be the territory, and thus would be perfectly accurate and perfectly useless.”

From “The Mapmaker”, a short story by Neil Gaiman, contained in the collection, “Fragile things”

A news story I read recently reminded me of a short story called “The Mapmaker” by one of my favourite authors, Neil Gaiman.

In the short story, the Chinese emperor turns a small island into a map of the whole of his lands.  The mountains and lakes are recreated in miniature.  This satisfies the emperor for only a year before he plans the building of a map on a much larger scale.  He plans to build a map which is one hundredth the size of his kingdom, where all the buildings and huts would be represented in miniature.  His advisor tries to convince him that it would cost too much.  Then the emperor reveals that this second map is just a stepping stone to the map he really dreams of, which would be accurate on a scale of one to one.  Every hut, tree and person would be represented actual size.  The advisor bows low and takes his leave.  And the emperor dies mysteriously in his sleep that night.

According to the news, some cities in Germany and Australia are experimenting with a radical change to the design of pedestrian traffic lights.  Traffic lights have traditionally been set in a high spot on top of a pole, so that people can see them from a distance.  The new traffic lights are instead set on the ground, at foot-level.

And what is the reason for setting the lights on the ground?  Are they for small children, perhaps?  Or for those elderly pedestrians with bent backs, whose faces are pointed towards the ground?

No, they are for ordinary pedestrians who are walking along whilst using their smartphones.  Some local governments have decided that since people cannot be stopped from looking at their phones and walking at the same time, something must be done.  Otherwise they will risk casually strolling into the middle of the road to be flattened by an oncoming truck.

What do people find so fascinating about their phones that they cannot stop themselves from indulging in this somewhat dangerous and rude behaviour?  There are many things they could be doing, of course.  But one of the main triggers for this behaviour is the checking of a map.  If you’re going to meet your friend at a restaurant you have never been to before, you don’t have to remember the directions, or look around you to find the restaurant.  You just input the address and GoogleMaps or some other site will lead you there with an on-line map.

In many city streets, GoogleMaps is now so accurate that you can see a “street view”, or what is basically a photograph of the street.  So the scale of the map has become one to one.  The emperor would now be able to live inside his dream one to one map-world.  That is what I imagine all of these pedestrians who are so engrossed in their smartphones must be doing.  Let them dream their beautiful dreams, and catch them with warning lights at their feet before they fall under the wheels of a truck.

Or... like the emperor who refused to give up his world of dreams to accept the real world around him, perhaps only an early death will stop them from gazing down on their dream world.

I bow deeply and take my leave. 

 

Vocabulary:

accurate – correct; containing correct detail

to resemble – to be similar to; to look like

a stepping stone – a stone placed in a stream to help someone cross; an intermediate stage between two points, helping one get to the second point

to take one’s leave – a formal phrase – to say goodbye; to depart

radical – very different from what has gone before

a pedestrian – someone walking

to indulge – to allow oneself to enjoy the pleasure of

a trigger – a cause

 

 

Why Britain should have more sympathy for Fidel －なぜイギリスがフィデルにもっと同情するべきか－

Fidel Castro, who led Cuba for decades after staging a socialist revolution in 1959, died last weekend.  Many world leaders will attend his funeral, but Britain is sending only a low level diplomat.  Britain does not want to show support for a country where some political opponents of the government are still in prison.

Even though Fidel made Cuba an ally of the Soviet Union, and was considered to be an enemy by the British government, I think we should show him more respect.

It’s hard to be a small island nation when your bigger and stronger neighbour is bitterly opposing you.

Things didn’t happen this way for Britain.  But let’s imagine for a moment that our history had been like this:

After a referendum vote, Britain declared a revolution to overthrow the corrupt leader Cameron who had been running the country.

But the European Union refused to accept the result.  They had been making lots of money trading with the old, corrupt regime whilst ordinary British people suffered.

So the EU began a total economic blockade of Britain.  They made it illegal for any country to trade with the small island nation, and put pressure on all their allies to do the same.

In desperation, Britain’s Prime Minister May declared that the revolution was Maoist, and made trade and military deals with China in order to protect the country.

But the EU gathered British citizens who had voted to remain in the EU, and gave them guns and training in Belgium.  They then sent an invasion force up the River Thames in an attempt to overthrow the new government.  But Teresa May, with great popular support, fought off the invasion.

So the EU then spent years trying to assassinate the Prime Minister May.  They made dozens of failed attempts to kill her, including a bizarre plot involving a pair of exploding high-heel shoes.

As I said, history wasn’t really like this for Britain.  But if it had been, don’t you think that Prime Minister May might also have put some political opponents in prison?  If the most powerful country in the world kept trying to assassinate me, I might become a bit paranoid too.

The history I have described, of course, is actually a slightly changed version of Fidel Castro’s relations with America.  The USA trained his Cuban political opponents, and launched a failed invasion of Cuba at the Bay of Pigs.  The CIA tried dozens of times to assassinate Castro, including a bizarre plot involving an exploding cigar.  Castro, who initially tried to avoid becoming an enemy of America, and who said that he was not a communist, was forced to turn to the Soviet Union for help.

I’m not saying that Britain has to agree with everything that Castro did.  But as a small island nation hoping to make a success of our mini-revolution, and hoping that the EU doesn’t punish us too severely for snubbing them, I think we might have a little more sympathy for someone who guided his small island through much tougher circumstances.

Farewell Fidel.

 

Vocabulary:

a decade – a period of 10 years

an ally – especially of countries, a friend

to bitterly oppose – to fight strongly or desperately against

corrupt – using illegal or unfair means to gain money or power

a regime – a government; a system of authority

an economic blockade – an attempt to stop all trade, especially in order to damage a country

Maoist – supportive of former Chinese revolutionary leader, Chairman Mao

to overthrow – especially of a government, to get rid of by force

to assassinate – especially of a political leader, to kill

bizarre – strange or unbelievable

a plot – a conspiracy; a secret plan

to snub someone – to deliberately ignore someone, or to deliberately cause offence