What do we really know about Santa Claus, otherwise known as Saint Nicholas?
1 - He lives at or near the North Pole.
It must be pretty cold up there. There’s no public transport. The cinemas play nothing but “It’s a wonderful
life” over and over again. Even if
you go to the beach it’s too cold to swim, never mind the fact that you have to
watch for polar bears.
In short, Santa Claus probably isn’t
satisfied with his work location.
2 – He lives with elves or, some say,
dwarves
Who are these magical helpers anyway? Do they make good dinner companions? Do they keep Santa company when he’s not
flying around the world, giving presents to children? Wouldn’t a healthy red-suited, red-blooded
man rather spend time with rosy cheeked women, perhaps chatting over a
newspaper and a cup of coffee? And, as
comedian Bill Hicks once pointed out, all of these are available for sale on
the streets of New York. In comparison,
the company of magical “helpers” at the North Pole doesn’t seem like a great
deal.
3 – On Christmas Eve, Santa manipulates
time so that he can travel to the home of every child in the world in only one
night
What a hard job! Does he get paid overtime for this? Have the elves got Santa on a zero-hours
contract?
Honestly, imagine having to experience the excruciatingly
long and boring task of visiting every child in the world, checking their names
against some kind of good kids/ bad kids check list and shoving a
Nintendo DS in their stockings, when you can’t even get electricity in the
Arctic. Then when a seeming eternity of
work finishes, you find that the elves or dwarves or whatever they are, have
used their magic so that only 24 hours have passed. At 6 pounds and forty pence minimum wage,
that’s not even going to cover your heating bill for the night. And after that the elves make you go through
a body search, unpaid, to check that you’re not stealing any of the presents!
I don’t think that Santa is getting a good
deal at all. I think those elves/ dwarves
are keeping him up at the North Pole working under conditions of slavery!
Neil Gaiman agrees. Here’s an extract from his very short story,
“Nicholas was”:
“Once every year [the dwarves] forced
[Santa], sobbing and protesting, into endless night. During the journey he would stand near every
child in the world, leave one of the dwarves’ invisible gifts by its
bedside. The children slept, frozen into
time. He envied Prometheus... His
punishment was harsher.”
Merry Christmas to the good kids and to the
bad kids, and to the overworked and suffering everywhere.
“It’s a wonderful life” – The title of a
famous movie from the 1940s, often shown at Christmas
red-blooded – Of a man, manly; masculine
to manipulate – to control; alter; operate
a zero-hours contract – An employment
contract which does not guarantee a salary.
The worker is only paid for the time which they actually work.
excruciatingly – extremely painfully
to shove – to push something roughly
to sob – to cry
Prometheus – A god from Greek mythology,
who was punished for giving fire to man by being chained to a rock and having
his liver eaten every day by an eagle
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