Great news for all recent parents!
There is a wonderful new tool to bring you
closer to your baby. With the latest
artificial intelligence computers and on-line Giggle translators, it is now
possible to scan a baby’s facial movements and record their cries. These can then be interpreted by an on-line
service, which will translate them into English. What’s more, using a complicated piece of
technology which I am not allowed to explain, English questions can be
understood by the baby.
Here we have arranged an interview with a
three week old baby we’ll call BabyBoy E to protect his anonymity. We hope that you will find this a great insight
into the thought process of newborns.
Question 1: You are now three weeks old and
have had a little time to adjust to your new surroundings. How are you settling in to your new home?
BabyBoy E: The apartment is a little cramped. When someone makes a noise in the next room and
I am trying to sleep, I really hate it. When
they make a cup of tea, I scream. When
they wash the dishes, I scream. When
they whisper to each other, I scream.
Just thinking about it makes me want to scream. Waaaaah!
Waaaaah!
[The interview was suspended at this
point. It resumed thirty minutes
later.]
Oh, I feel better for a good scream. You should scream at least twenty times a day
for your health - thirty times if it is hot, cold or just average temperature -
and forty times if you are hungry, full, or neither hungry nor full. Anyway, we were talking about the apartment,
right? As I was saying, it’s a little
small. But when I compare it to where I
was living before I suppose I shouldn’t complain.
Question 2: How is the food?
BabyBoy E: The food is quite good. Left breast, right breast... It’s the variety on offer which I like. The problem is the service. It’s so slow.
When I ask for food, it takes forever to arrive. I just politely say, “I’m hungry”, and
nothing happens for ages. Actually talking
about food has made me a little hungry now.
Isn’t it funny how you can drink until you feel full and demand that the
food be taken away, and are then hungry three minutes later? Hey! I’m
hungry! Bring me food now! You see what I mean? Heyyy!
I said food, NOW! You idiots: Who
do you think you’re dealing with?
FOOD! Waaaaah! Waaaaah!
[The interview was suspended at this
point. It resumed forty minutes later.]
Ah, that was good. You have to really bite the breast as hard as
possible to enjoy it. So the food’s not
too bad, as I was saying. Actually,
thinking about food has made me a little hungry...
Question 3:
Are you sleeping well?
BabyBoy E:
Only during the day. I like to
take a good nap during the day in order to conserve energy for my main
scream between 2 am and 3 am. There’s
nothing quite like screaming when it’s completely black and everything is
quiet. I want to be a werewolf
when I grow up. Would you like to hear
me practice howling?
Waaaaah! Waaaaah!
[The interview was terminated at
this point as the translation service ran out of exclamation marks.]
Vocabulary:
anonymity – protection of someone’s name, or
identity so that they remain unknown
insight – a clear idea or understanding
to be cramped – of a space, room etc., to
be small so that movement is restricted
to suspend – to temporarily stop
to resume – to restart; to continue again
after being suspended
to conserve – of something valuable like
time, money or energy, to avoid wasting
a werewolf – a mythical creature that
changes from the shape of a man to the shape of a wolf during a full moon
to howl – a long, low noise made by dogs
and wolves; a prolonged cryto terminate – to end
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