Slow News －ゆっくりした新聞—

I read about an interesting “newspaper” in France, which is published only on February 29^th.  In other words, it is published only once every four years. 

The publication has sections on politics, technology, sport and so on, like other newspapers.  But the articles are intended to be humorous. 

I thought it was a nice idea to have a newspaper that covered the news over a longer period of time.  But instead of being humorous, the “slow newspaper” should cover the news seriously.  Imagine you had an accident and stayed in hospital for several months, and so missed all of the daily news.  No problem.  When you feel better, you can read a summary of the last year’s news. 

Of course, some magazines and tv shows summarise important events of the year in the last week of December.  But they assume that you already know the events they are summarising.  They offer reminders and commentary. 

A true slow newspaper would instead present stories as news – assuming that you are finding out about them for the first time. 

So what would a newspaper published only every February 29^th include in its pages?  Would reading about events from a safe distance make events seem less threatening?

 

Headline:

Terrible Virus Sweeps the World, Killing Millions

(But don’t worry.  Scientists have already come up with a vaccine)

 

Isn’t that more relaxing than living through the coronavirus pandemic day by day, in constant panic?

 

Throw the Book at him, Officer! —お巡りさん、彼を厳しく罰してください—

This week the Nebraska Police Department released some video footage of a drunk driver being arrested.  He was not only driving under the influence of alcohol, but was also driving in the opposite lane, towards oncoming traffic.  Dangerous driving indeed! 

And how did the police manage to catch this poor alcohol befuddled criminal? 

He called the police himself, to complain when another car passed perilously close, seeming to him to be driving down the wrong lane. 

So you can add use of a mobile phone while driving to the long list of charges.

 

Vocabulary:

To throw the book at someone – to punish someone severely

[eg., This is the third time he has been caught stealing.  This time the judge is going to throw the book at him.]

to be befuddled – to be unable to think clearly; to be very confused

[eg., The philosopher’s argument left me befuddled.]

perilously – in a way that is full of danger or risk

[eg., That house is perilously close to the edge of the cliff.]

 

The Power of Love —愛の力－

Thank goodness I survived another Valentine’s Day without succumbing to a hysterical bout of love-madness.  I didn’t construct a home made bow and set of arrows, and I didn’t stalk through Tokyo trying to make people fall in love by loosing arrows at them.  Nor did I run naked through the streets holding a “Kiss me, it’s Valentine’s Day!” sign. 

Perhaps these expressions of love-madness were exactly the things that authorities in Cambodia were concerned about. 

The Cambodian government views Valentine’s Day as a dangerous foreign custom, and warned its citizens “not to lose their dignity” on February 14^th.  The Education Ministry ordered schools to “take measures to prevent inappropriate activities on Valentine’s Day.” 

My Valentine’s day was very dignified.  I bought a chocolate éclair for myself from 7 – 11 and ate it in thoughtful silence. 

I hope that the love-madness didn’t affect you, either.

Vocabulary:

to succumb to something – to fail to resist some pressure, temptation, disease, or negative force

[eg., I am supposed to be on a diet.  But I succumbed to temptation and ate a doughnut.]

a bout of (illness) – a period of (illness)

[eg., I took a week off work due to a bout of influenza.] 

When Computer Games were on Paper —コンピューターゲームが紙の上だった頃—

1

Somehow, your alarm failed to go off in the morning.  Unless you do something quick, you are going to be late for work. 

Will you:

-Skip your usual morning shower and rush straight to work? (Turn to paragraph 2)

-Call a taxi instead of taking a train, and jump in the shower quickly while waiting for the taxi to arrive? (Turn to paragraph 3)

-Go back to sleep? (Turn to paragraph 4)

 

2

You make it in time for work, but your colleagues look at you in disgust.  Apparently you still smell of alcohol and cigarettes from last night.  Lose 1 Luck point, and turn to paragraph 5

 

3

Feeling refreshed from your shower, you get out of the taxi just in time for work.  Gain one Luck point and turn to paragraph 5

 

4

You are fired.  Your adventure ends here.

 

5

…

 

Welcome to the world of “choose your own adventure” style gamebooks.  Instead of reading the books in order, you have to make choices and explore the world in the book in order to achieve some goal.  I used to love these books when I was a child, and I have started playing them with my seven year old son.  We are currently playing “Forest of Doom” from the Fighting Fantasy gamebook series. 

Rather than making choices about how to get to work, though, we are deciding how to fight monsters such as trolls and vampires, how to avoid death traps, and picking up magical items.  When we fight monsters, we roll dice to find out whether we injure our enemy or our enemy injures us.  We have to be careful not to make too many mistakes or our Stamina score will reach zero, and our character will die.  It is like a computer game played on paper. 

This seems to be a better game for us to enjoy than shogi, since I have fewer things to remember, and my son is less likely to throw a tantrum from losing. 

At least he hasn’t thrown a tantrum yet.  But then his character hasn’t died yet.  I hope he keeps getting favourable rolls of the dice, and doesn’t wake up that sleeping giant.

 

Tea in Hot Water —熱湯の中の紅茶—

Recently a controversy erupted in the U.K. over an American researcher’s suggestion for how to make “the perfect cup of tea.” 

The researcher, Michelle Francl, who is a chemist, suggested adding a little pinch of salt to tea.  She advised that this would make it taste better, since it would remove some of the bitterness from the drink.  She then demonstrated the chemical reactions between the salt and the tea which made this happen. 

“I grew up in the midwest, which is deep coffee-drinking country, but tea has always been my preferred drink — and I have invested a lot of time into studying it,” Francl said. 

Many in Britain were outraged.  Adding salt to tea?  There were so many newspaper articles and opinion pieces written about the suggestion, and the overall reaction to it so negative, that the American embassy in London put out a statement. 

The statement read, “an American professor’s recipe for the ‘perfect’ cup of tea has landed our special bond with the United Kingdom in hot water. Tea is the elixir of camaraderie, a sacred bond that unites our nations. We cannot stand idly by as such an outrageous proposal threatens the very foundation of our Special Relationship. Therefore we want to [assure] the good people of the U.K. that the unthinkable notion of adding salt to Britain’s national drink is not official United States policy. And never will be.” 

Okay, so maybe the embassy staff were trying to be funny. 

I haven’t tried the salt recipe.  I don’t find my tea unbearably bitter.  And why search for a “perfect” way to drink tea?  Surely it is better to allow a variety of ways of preparing tea to flourish.

 

Vocabulary:

to land (someone/ something) in hot water – to get (someone) into a lot of trouble

[eg., When you told my wife that you saw me drinking with a young woman in a coffee shop, you landed me in hot water.]

an elixir – a potion or drink with magical or healing properties

[eg., Legend says that if you drink the elixir of life, you will live forever.]

a sacred bond – a connection which has religious importance

[eg., Marriage is a sacred bond between two people.]

to stand idly by – to do nothing to help or intervene, even though you were in a position to do so

[eg., The world must not stand idly by while this famine kills thousands of people.]