Childhood Friends? －幼なじみ？－

I recently read a short story by Ray Bradbury, which starts with the main character planning to commit “the perfect murder”. 

He is now a middle aged man with a wife and children.  But he can’t stop thinking back to his childhood, and his relationship with his best friend.  Although they were ostensibly friends, the other child treated the main character poorly in many ways, and seemed to look down on him.  The main character always went to his friend’s house to invite him to play, never the other way round.  The friend played tricks on the main character, cruelly teasing and making fun of him.  Since the main character had no other friends, he accepted this low level bullying, until his family moved away from the area when he was twelve years old. 

Now thirty years later, the main character plans to find his old friend and murder him for the remembered bullying.  But when the two middle aged men meet, the one who had been a child bully has become sick and lonely, and the main character decides to let him live. 

It made me wonder which of my childhood friends I might one day decide to murder, and why.  More worryingly, it made me wonder which of my childhood friends might one day decide to murder me, and why. 

On a snowy winter’s day in Scotland, I saw a dirty brown mess that a dog had left on the pavement.  I piled some snow on top of the mess.  Then I took a friend round to the spot and said, “Look how deep that pile of snow is.  I bet that you are not brave enough to jump into it!” 

The poor boy jumped straight in. 

Worse things than that happened to me as a child.  My older brother’s friend had an air gun.  When I was only five or six years old, he chased me around the house with the gun, saying that he was going to shoot me.  I picked up a thick book and held it in front of my head.  Then my brother’s friend fired the air gun, and a little pellet hit the book in front of my face, and made a big hole in the book that nearly went all the way through to the other side. 

It is a wonder that any boys survive childhood at all.

 

Vocabulary:

ostensibly – apparently; on the face of it

[eg., The prime minister resigned, ostensibly for health reasons.  But many people believe that he had actually lost support from within his party.]

 

Liberating Lunches －気分を楽にさせるランチ－

My friends have been taking advantage of me for years, and I’ve had enough.  Whenever I meet my friends for lunch, we split the bill 50 – 50.  And they have been ripping me off. 

For instance, my friend from England always takes disposable chopsticks from the restaurant, while I am bringing plastic chopsticks from home.  So I am imposing a 10 per cent charge on him.  From now on, we will split the bill 45 – 55, in my favour. 

My friend from France adds milk and sugar to her coffee, and I don’t.  I am imposing a 20 per cent levy on her.  From now on we split the bill 40 – 60. 

Worst of all is my friend from Tokyo.  Last time when we met in Mr. Donut he had three free coffee refills.  I can’t drink coffee so fast.  So I’m imposing a 30 per cent charge on that guy.  From now on we will split our Mr. Donut bill 35 – 65. 

I am sure that all of my friends will respect me more for putting myself first for once.

 

Vocabulary:

to take advantage of someone – to treat someone unfairly, using their weakness for your own benefit

[eg., I think your boss is taking advantage of you.  You should stop agreeing to do overtime for free.]

to split the bill – to divide the cost, usually in a restaurant

to rip someone off – a casual phrase meaning to cheat someone by making them pay too much money

[eg., I thought I had bought a valuable antique.  But I was ripped off.  It isn’t valuable at all.]

 

A Dental Nurse Far, Far Away －はるか彼方の歯科衛生士ー

This didn’t happen to me.  I heard about it from someone long ago, who lives far, far away.  He told me: 

* 

I went to the dentist recently to have my teeth cleaned. 

There was a new dental nurse who had the job of carrying out the cleaning, and it was a bit uncomfortable at times. 

She seemed to misposition some of the tools she was using in my mouth, especially the gadget that squirts out water.  One time it started squirting water out of the side of my mouth, down my neck, and from there dribbling onto the chair.  Another time the water went squirting up my nose. 

“Is everything all right?” she would ask, from time to time. 

“Urghhh,” I answered, meaning, “Yes, you’re doing a wonderful job.  Please don’t hurt me.” 

I have a basic policy of not complaining about the work someone is doing while they have some sort of drilling machine inside my mouth.  If I had gotten her angry, what could she have done to me? 

[

Suddenly I hear a loud rumbling noise, like the revving of a motorbike engine.  The nurse is turning up the power of the drill, past the legal maximum setting.  The dentist bursts in from a side door and shouts, “Nurse, no!  You can’t turn the drill up to level eleven!  We don’t know what it would do to him…”

] 

So I said nothing, and used the paper bib to wipe up the water. 

When we were done, the nurse started fishing for compliments. 

“You actually had a lot of stains on your teeth, but they’re clean now.” 

“Thank you so much,” I said. 

Of course my teeth were stained.  That is why I was having them cleaned. 

Perhaps the next time I get a haircut, my barber will say, “You actually had a lot of hair on your head until I cut it.” 

* 

I tell a lot of jokes and use humour and exaggeration in these blog posts.  If any dental nurses happen to read this post, please remember that.  Don’t be angry.

Vocabulary:

to fish for compliments – to subtly or indirectly try to get people to say nice things about you

 

Choosing Happiness －幸せを選ぶことー

A United Nations report into happiness around the world has just been released.  Predictably, the top ten countries included five Nordic countries, with Finland coming in first.  Perhaps more surprisingly, a few middle income countries made the top ten, such as Costa Rica and Mexico.  The U.N. cited close family ties and good social networks as important factors for these countries’ high ranking. 

Britain and Japan didn’t make the top ten.  So maybe we need some advice on how to be happy. 

1

“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.”

Abraham Lincoln

 

This is a typical politician’s excuse.  The education system is in a mess?  You can’t find a job?:  Don’t worry, be happy! (And don’t blame us.)

 

2

“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.”

Ernest Hemingway

 

Maybe we shouldn’t improve the education system then.  Perhaps it is better not to have any understanding of all the ways the world is going wrong.

 

3

“Happiness is not something ready made.  It comes from your own actions.”

The Dalai Lama

 

Abraham Lincoln just wants you to decide to be happy.  The Dalai Lama actually wants you to put some work in.  No wonder I’m not as happy as I might be.  I’m too lazy to meditate every day.

 

4

“Man only likes to count his troubles: he doesn’t calculate his happiness.”

Fyodor Dostoevsky

 

I didn’t see Russia anywhere near the top of the list.  Maybe reading too much Dostoevsky and Tolstoy has warped the Russian mind.

 

Tricked by a Scotsman －スコットランド人男性に騙されること－

I have not been feeling well this week, and have done little except stay at home and listen to audio books and music.  I listened to an old folk song and enjoyed the lyrics.  It is a Scottish folk song, which tells of how a Scotsman escaped from a prison in Northumberland in the north of England by tricking a young girl. 

I have edited and summarised the lyrics below.  The song is “The Flower of Northumberland”. 

The word “lass” or “lassie” is a Scottish word, meaning a young woman or girl.

 

Verse 1:

The provost’s daughter was walking alone -

Oh, and her love it was easy won -

When she heard a Scots prisoner shout and groan –

Aye, and she was the flower of Northumberland –

Saying, “If only a lassie would borrow a key,” –

Oh, but her love it was easy won –

“I would make her a lady of high degree,

If she set me free from this prison of stone.”

 

In verse 2, the provost’s daughter steals a key and her father’s best horse, and runs away with the Scots prisoner, expecting to become his wife.

 

Verse 3:

As they were riding across the Scots grass,

He cried, “Oh, but your love it was easy won,

Get down from my horse, you’re a brazen faced lass,

Although you’re the flower of Northumberland.

For I have a wife in my own home true -

Oh, but your love it was easy won -

And I cannot do anything with a lassie like you.,

So you’ll need to go back to Northumberland.”

 

In Verse 4, the provost’s daughter begs the Scots prisoner to take her to Scotland, even as his cook.  For she feels she cannot go back to Northumberland to face the shame of her actions.  But the Scots prisoner refuses, and hires an old man and a horse to take her back to her parents.

 

Verse 5:

And when she came home her father did frown,

And he cried, “Oh, but your love it was easy won,

For to go with a Scotsman when you’re barely sixteen,

And you the fair flower of Northumberland!”

Ah, but when she came in her mother did smile,

She said, “Oh, and your love it was easy won,

But you’re not the first lass that a Scot has beguiled,

So you’re welcome back home to Northumberland.”

 

I’m not sure what the moral of the story is.  A mother’s love can forgive her child anything?  It is never too late to go back?  You can’t blame a girl for being tricked by a Scotsman, because they are all such good liars?

 

Vocabulary:

brazen – bold and without shame

[eg., The brazen thief stole the money in daylight, with many people watching.]

to beguile someone – to charm or enchant someone, especially using trickery

[eg., The politician beguiled voters with his smooth promises.]

 

Pricking Your Ears Up －耳を澄ますこと－

I have just started reading a book called “Walking the Nile” by Levison Wood.  In the book, a former soldier recounts his experiences of trying to walk the entire length of the River Nile, from Rwanda to Egypt’s Mediterranean coast. 

In one episode, while walking through Tanzania, Levison and his companion Boston hire two local Tanzanians to act as porters.  The two locals are to help carry the camping gear that Levison is bringing with him through Tanzania.  Despite agreeing to the task, the two Tanzanians are sullen and unfriendly.  They mutter darkly to one another behind Levison and Boston’s backs. 

One night, the two are talking darkly to one another in their own language, Swahili.  Boston hasn’t let on that he too can speak this language, and he listens in to what they are saying. 

They are planning to tie the foreigners to a tree and steal all of their valuables. 

Levison and Boston then reveal that they had understood what was being said, and threaten the men.  Shortly afterwards, the porters leave and Boston and Levison have to dump part of their heavy gear and carry on by themselves. 

Pricking your ears up to surreptitiously listen to what others are saying is not generally considered polite, but it can be useful! 

I have never overheard such a dramatic threat before.  But I have overheard the odd funny conversation. 

I remember standing in a queue at a Chinese restaurant, waiting to place an order with the owner.  I listened to the man in front of me in the queue choosing what to eat. 

“Um… You don’t have any of those noodles in a Thai sauce, do you?” the man asks. 

The restauranteur sounds extremely offended. 

“But Sir, this is a Chinese restaurant, not a Thai restaurant!” 

“Okay, never mind,” says the customer, defensively.  “Sometimes Chinese restaurants have Thai dishes as well.  I’ll just have the mixed Chinese noodles instead then.” 

I got to the front of the queue.  I could hardly contain my laughter at the conversation I had overheard and I was dying to say, “Um, you don’t have any of those Italian style spaghetti noodles, do you?” 

Sadly, the first customer was still within earshot.  If I could overhear him, then he could overhear me, and I didn’t want to make him angry.  I played it safe and ordered lemon chicken instead.

 

Vocabulary:

sullen – showing irritation or a bad mood by expressions or silence

[eg., I tried to cheer the child up.  But he was sullen because we hadn’t gone to the restaurant that he had wanted to.]

to let on – to allow something to be known

[eg., Don’t let on that you have noticed her scar.  She is very sensitive about it.]

surreptitiously – done using stealth or secrecy

[eg., The undercover policeman surreptitiously looked at the group of criminals, trying to memorise their faces.]

  

Dying to Try those Noodles —その麺を死ぬほど食べてみたい－

I remember one of my university lecturers bemoaning the fact that his students lacked individuality, and tended to follow each other’s lead. 

“If you saw a few students jumping out of the window, would you just jump out too?” he asked us. 

“Fair enough,” I remember thinking.  “People sometimes do something stupid just because others are doing it.  But the impulse of humans to follow the crowd must have evolved for a good reason.” 

I imagined a bunch of panicked students jumping up onto the table, and my lecturer refusing to join them.  Then the lecturer would get bitten by a poisonous snake that had escaped from the university’s biology department, and which was slithering across the floor. 

Taking the time to calmly think things through by yourself isn’t always the best option. 

The point of the story is that, for better or worse, humans have a tendency to follow the crowd, and copy what others are doing. 

An odd story from China this week illustrates this.  A social media influencer enthused about the great quality of the spicy noodles he ate at a funeral home in Guizhou province in China. 

Lots of Chinese foodies wanted to sample the funeral home’s noodles.  So lots of people started turning up at the funeral home and pestering the staff, asking to be allowed to try the noodles, which are supposed to be for bereaved families. 

Some foodies went so far as to pretend to be relatives of the deceased, in order to sneak in and try the dish. 

Another social media influencer bemoaned the fact that none of his acquaintances in Guizhou would die. 

I wonder how my old lecturer from 25 years ago is coping in the world of internet crazes, memes and social media mobs?

 

Vocabulary:

to bemoan something – to express discontent or sorrow over something

[eg., She bemoaned the increase in the cost of her rent.]

to slither – to move smoothly over a surface with a twisting motion, like a snake

[eg., The snake slithered away.]

to pester someone – to trouble or annoy someone with frequent requests or interruptions

[eg., A persistent salesman kept pestering me to sign up to his insurance scheme.]

a meme – an image, video, piece of text, etc. that is copied and spread rapidly by internet users

[eg., The video of a Spanish man’s despair at watching his girlfriend cheat on him has become an internet meme.]

 

An Elevator Tip －エレベーターのティップ（コツ＋チップ）－

I have a lesson plan about the custom of tipping.  I ask my students to tell me their experiences of paying tips in foreign countries. 

One student told me today that he was in a luxury hotel in the U.K..  His room was on the fifth floor, so my student got into the elevator to go to his room. 

“Which floor, Sir?” asked a uniformed elevator operator. 

“Five,” said my student, and then he started to panic. 

“Am I supposed to tip this person?” he wondered.  “Or will he be terribly offended if I hand him some loose change?” 

My student’s hand went into his pocket to fish out a few coins, and he glanced at the elevator operator’s face.  The staff member was impassive and unreadable.  The elevator doors opened. 

“Fifth floor,” said the man. 

My student slunk out of the lift without offering a tip, unsure if he had done the right thing. 

“And what happened after that?” I asked him. 

“Well, I got a lot of exercise,” he said.  “I had to walk up and down five flights of stairs every day to avoid using the elevator again.”

 

Vocabulary:

to fish something out – to pull something out after searching for it

[e.g., He fished a tissue out of his pocket.]

to slink (out) – to walk (out) quietly, so that you are not noticed

[e.g., The student tried to slink out of the lecture hall without the lecturer noticing him.]

 

Loving the Artist to Death －死ぬほどアーティストを愛すること－

“

Ow!

I’ve been sitting here for the last few hours,

Looking at you –

Stretching my imagination through my form of work,

And maybe get my hands on you

…

I’m hot for you baby,

Oh, I wanna love you to death

”

From the Tina Turner song, “Hot for you Baby”

 

There has been debate about “Hot for you Baby”, a new single released by the singer, Tina Turner. 

The first problem is that Tina Turner died two years ago.  It is not clear that she ever wanted the song to be heard by the general public.  The song was recorded for her 1984 comeback album, “Private Dancer”.  But the song was cut, and didn’t appear on the record.  Tina Turner’s record label decided to put the song on a re-release of the album, to celebrate its fortieth anniversary.  Somehow, this release was delayed by a year so that it actually came out 41 years after the original.  Is it fair to release a deceased artist’s work posthumously, without their permission?

The other question is whether the song is actually any good.  Tina Turner doesn’t seem to have thought so.  I tend to agree with her.  Looking at some of the lyrics above, you can see that it is not exactly poetry.  Maybe for a die-hard fan, even the weaker tracks of an artist are interesting.  And should we really worry about hurting the feelings of an artist who has already died?  If a previously lost Shakespeare poem were found, would it be fair to ban people from reading it, just because it was never published and wasn’t very good? 

I wasn’t hot for this track.  But it did remind me of Tina Turner’s wonderfully powerful and at times over the top voice.  No one sung the line, “Ow!” quite like her.

 

Vocabulary:

To be deceased – to have died (quite) recently

[eg., The police have informed the deceased man’s family of the accident.]

for something to happen posthumously – for something to happen after the main person involved has died

[eg., The soldier who was killed in the battle was posthumously awarded a medal.]

a die-hard fan – a core or extremely committed fan

How to Escape a Hungry Lizard －お腹を空かせたトカゲから逃れる方法－

I have been reading an interesting book recently, which is called, “How to Survive History”.  I chose it so that I could talk about the book with my eight year old son.  The book imagines a human time traveller going back in time to experience different eras in human history, and explains what they should do to avoid the dangers of that time. 

For example, if you travel back to the late dinosaur age, what should you do if you are targeted by a hungry tyrannosaurus rex?  Should you try to run away?  Should you climb a tree?  Should you lie down and pretend to be dead? 

According to the writer, Cody Cassidy, you should try to outrun the t-rex.  Scientists have tried to estimate the top running speed of the creature by comparing its muscle mass to its weight.  Those scientists reckon that a healthy adult human could probably just outrun an adult t-rex.  And even if you were a bit slower, Cassidy cites the example of predator versus prey relationships in the modern world.  Predators such as the cheetah are often much faster than their prey, but still fail to catch an animal two times out of every three that they try to.  If the target animal dodges at the last minute, the faster running predator will run past the targeted animal and be unable to stop. 

My son had an even better solution. 

“It’s easy,” he said.  “When I see the t-rex coming, I will just get back in my time machine and go home.”

 

Wise Names －知恵のある名前－

I noticed today that Princess Beatrice  of the U.K.’s royal family had given birth to a daughter.  Congratulations to her and her daughter, who becomes 11^th in line for the throne. 

But what really struck me about the news was hearing the name of the baby girl.  She has been named Athena. Athena was of course revered as a goddess in ancient Greece. 

Doesn’t it put a bit too much pressure on the child?  No matter what she achieves in life, she is unlikely to live up to the doings of the goddess of war, wisdom and handicrafts. 

 “That’s nice that you passed your maths test, dear. But when are you going to transform an impious human into a spider?  I have a few politicians in mind that you could transform.” 

“Do you expect me to be happy that you learned to swim?  Why don’t you have a city-state to be the protector goddess of yet?” 

By this logic, parents should give their children names that carry low expectations, so that the children can easily outperform their namesake. 

“Don’t worry, Adolf. You might have failed your maths test, but at least you haven’t murdered millions.  I’m still proud of you.” 

In any case, Athena may not be the only one in her household with an unusual name.  Her half-brother is named Wolfie.

 

Vocabulary:

to revere something – to feel deep respect or admiration for something

[eg., Shakespeare is probably the most revered writer in the English language.]

impious – adjective, showing a lack of respect for the gods or religion

[eg., The church said that Galileo’s writings were impious.]

one’s namesake – Someone who shares the same name

[eg., My favourite royal is my namesake, Prince William.]

 

Where is my Audience? －あたしの観客たちはどこだい？－

There was an interesting story from Japan this week.  An aquarium in Yamaguchi has had to temporarily shut for renovations.  After it closed and visitors stopped coming, staff noticed that one of the sunfish seemed to be distressed.  It stopped eating jellyfish and started rubbing itself against the walls of its tank. 

The aquarium staff decided that the sunfish might be feeling lonely, since it was used to people standing in front of its tank.  So the staff brought some cardboard cut-outs of humans and placed them in front of the sunfish’s tank.  Apparently, this worked.  The sunfish is eating again. 

Celebrities can’t help but feel lonely without their fans.  They can also be prone to diva-like behaviour, making unreasonable demands on those around them, and expecting all of their whims to be gratified. 

I wondered what other problems that diva sealife in aquariums have been causing for their human handlers.  So I checked the internet for rumors. 

Apparently, there is a shark in Germany that won’t eat unless his teeth are flossed by a blonde female handler twice a day. 

It is rumored that in Osaka, one octopus won’t eat unless he is allowed to play his Nintendo Switch for half an hour before mealtimes. 

And in Los Angeles, there is supposedly a killer whale that will only perform jumps and tricks after a pina colada. 

Well, you shouldn’t believe everything that you read on the internet.  But the sunfish story was reported in the Mainichi Shimbun.  So that one is true.

 

Vocabulary:

a diva – (most often used about female celebrities) – a self-important person who is demanding and difficult to please

[eg., That diva demanded that a selection of flowers should be presented to her after every concert, but that none of the flowers must be pink or blue.]

a whim – a sudden desire or change of mind, especially one that is unusual or unexplained

[eg., I don’t know why I decided to eat sushi tonight.  It was just a whim.]

to gratify (a desire, whim, wish, etc.) – to satisfy

[eg., Parents must say no to their children sometimes.  Not all of a child’s wishes for new toys and presents can be gratified.]

 

Finding a Butterfly in a Cup －茶碗の中に蝶々を見つけること－

I recently read a very interesting book called “The Book of Tea”.  It was written in 1906 by Japanese writer Kakuzo Okakura, to explain Japanese ideas of the appreciation of beauty and the tea ceremony to a Western audience.  It was originally written in English. 

Okakura notes that Westerners of the time tended to have a very simplistic view of Asian cultures.  He complained that they saw the Japanese as barbarians until they were successful in war with Russia, and felt that success in war was a poor measure of culture. 

Here are a few interesting quotes from the book: 

“Perfection is everywhere if we only choose to recognise it.” 

“[Tea] has not the arrogance of wine, the self- consciousness of coffee, nor the simpering innocence of cocoa.” 

“Teaism is a cult founded on the adoration of the beautiful among the sordid facts of everyday existence… It is essentially a worship of the Imperfect, as it is [an] attempt to accomplish something possible in this impossible thing we know as life.” 

“Meanwhile, let us have a sip of tea. The afternoon glow is brightening the bamboos,… the [whistling of the pines in the wind] is heard in our kettle. Let us dream of [fleeting things] and linger in the beautiful foolishness of things.” 

“We classify too much and enjoy too little.” 

“The Taoist and Zen conception of perfection... the dynamic nature of their philosophy laid more stress upon the process through which perfection was sought than upon perfection itself. True beauty could be discovered only by one who mentally completed the incomplete. The [strength] of life and art lay in its possibilities for growth.” 

“Alas! The only flower known to have wings is the butterfly; all others stand helpless before the destroyer.”

Vocabulary:

simpering – trying too much to be liked, such as by smiling in a foolish and self-conscious way

[eg., The simpering waiter tried hard to please the celebrity visitor to the restaurant.]

adoration – deep love or respect

sordid – involving dishonourable or immoral actions or motives

[eg., He was having a sordid love affair.]

fleeting – lasting only a moment; quickly passing away

[eg., A gambler’s success is often fleeting.]

to linger – to stay longer than necessary because of a reluctance to leave

[eg., Let us linger for a moment longer in the sunshine.]

 

Arriving Nowhere in Hakone －箱根で何処にもたどり着かない－

I recently took a short trip to Hakone with my family. 

My son was recovering from the flu, so we kept the itinerary simple.  We took a ropeway and cable car up a volcano, and smelled the sulphur and vapour hanging in the air.  We rested our legs in hot water as the cold wind whistled around us.  We took a boat across a lake.  And we enjoyed a lovely meal at the hotel restaurant, where I ate deer meat and tried some different kinds of wine. 

My son enjoyed all of the vehicles we travelled on.  He liked the “Romance Train” from Tokyo to Hakone, and a special train which climbed the mountain.  He loved the ropeway and cable car.  The thing he really didn’t like was when we arrived anywhere.  As soon as we got out onto the volcano, he wanted to get back in the cable car.  Maybe he is an instinctive Zen priest.  It is not the action that is important, but the process; it is not the destination that matters, but the journey. 

My wife was getting very frustrated in the hotel, trying to contact reception.  She wanted to ask about booking a taxi. 

“I can’t believe it!” she complained, “They’re engaged again!” 

Every time my wife called reception from the phone in our hotel room, the phone line was engaged.  No matter how many times she tried calling, she couldn’t get through. 

Eventually, my wife read the information sheet next to the phone a little more carefully.  For all of this time, she hadn’t been ringing the number for reception.  She had been ringing our own hotel room.  No wonder the line was always engaged.