Enchantments, loves, and all sorts of impossible nonsense －魔法、愛、あり得もしない荒唐無稽の数々－

This week it was announced that archaeologists had found the bones of the writer Miguel de Cervantes in Madrid.  He is famous for writing the novel “Don Quixote”, which is regarded as one of the greatest works of literature ever written. 

The first part was published in Spanish in 1605, and tells the story of a man who reads too many fictional books about romance and chivalry and loses his sanity.  He decides to become a knight himself and adventures throughout Spain, trying to rescue maidens, attack giants and right wrongs. 

 

Unfortunately, because he is mad, the maidens he tries to rescue are not really in need of help, the giants he tries to attack are actually windmills, and he causes trouble for himself and everyone else rather than righting wrongs. 
 

I have heavily edited the opening to make it simpler and easier to follow.  I will also include an explanation of difficult vocabulary at the end.  This is how Don Quixote decided to become a heroic knight...


An edited version of the opening to “Don Quixote”, part 1 (1605) by Miguel de Cervantes:

 

In the village of La Mancha, there lived a gentleman. He was used to eating rather more beef than mutton, a salad on most nights, scraps on Saturdays, lentils on Fridays, and a pigeon or so extra on Sundays.
 

The age of this gentleman of ours was bordering on fifty; he was hardy, a very early riser and a great sportsman.
 

The gentleman whenever he was at leisure (which was mostly all the year round) gave himself up to reading books of chivalry with such passion and concentration that he almost entirely neglected sports, and even the management of his property; and to such an extent did his eagerness and infatuation go that he sold much land to buy books of chivalry to read, and brought home as many of them as he could get. 
 

Over such fantasies the poor gentleman lost his wits, and used to lie awake at night, thinking about them. 
 

In short, he became so absorbed in his books that he spent his nights from sunset to sunrise, and his days from dawn to dark, poring over them; and what with little sleep and much reading he lost his wits. His fancy grew full of what he used to read about in his books, enchantments, quarrels, battles, challenges, wounds, loves, agonies, and all sorts of impossible nonsense. To him, all he read of was true, no history in the world had more reality in it.
 

His wits being quite gone, he hit upon the strangest idea that ever madman in this world considered. He fancied it was right that he should become a knight, roaming the world in full armour and on horseback in quest of adventures. 

Vocabulary:
 

an archaeologist – Someone who searches for old items, buildings etc., often by digging in historical sites
 

chivalry – The system of polite and honourable behaviour which was regarded as ideal for knights in the Middle Ages in Europe
 

sanity – The opposite of madness; reason; a clear mind
 

a maiden – A young, unmarried woman (old-fashioned)
 

to right a wrong – to correct an injustice
 

scraps – Very small pieces; left-overs
 

“bordering on fifty” – nearly fifty
 

hardy – tough
 

to be at leisure – to be free; to have free time
 

infatuation – obsession; strong love and desire for something
 

to lose one’s wits – to go mad; to lose one’s sanity.
 

to pore over something - to study something at great length
 

to hit upon an idea – to think of an idea
 

to roam – to wander; to journey in many directions at length

“in quest of” - in search of
 

 

Help me Auntie, I’m in agony! －叔母さん、助けて。ああ苦しいよ！－

To be in agony means to be in extreme pain.  If you were in extreme physical pain, who would you go to for help?  Perhaps a doctor or a chemist with access to painkillers.

But what if you were in emotional agony?  What if your boyfriend had just dumped you and there seemed to be no way forward?  What if your mother were sick and you were agonising over whether to care for her yourself or place her in a home to be cared for by professionals?  Who could help you with that kind of dilemma?  Perhaps what you need is an agony aunt.

Agony aunt columns are popular features of many newspapers and magazines.  People who have problems write in anonymously and someone – often a woman, and often of advanced years and experience, hence the title “aunt” – will give you advice.  Of course, they do not write to you directly.  They print their advice in their newspaper or magazine column for everyone to read.

I sometimes use agony aunt columns in my English lessons.  They often present a moral dilemma, which the students can discuss.  They frequently introduce an interesting situation and an opportunity to practice problem solving role-plays.  They can also introduce some useful vocabulary, often about personal problems and relationships.  So let’s take a look at a typical case. 

Problem:

I am a man in my early twenties.  I am sure that I have found my soulmate.  She is perfect for me in every way and I am certain that she is the one for me to grow old with.

But I am worried that we are too young to get married, and we haven’t had enough experience of life yet.  She is my first girlfriend.  What if we get married and then she or I regret not having had other boyfriends or girlfriends?  I’d like to take a break from each other for a year to experience other things before we get married.

Is it a good idea to take a break?  Or should I marry her now in case I risk losing her?

Young man in agony
 

If you were the agony aunt, what would your advice be? 
 

Vocabulary:

a chemist – In this sense, a chemist is someone who works in a chemists or a drugstore, and prepares drugs for patients.

a painkiller – A drug or medicine which blocks or lessens feelings of pain.

to dump someone – To break off a romantic relationship with someone.

To agonise over something – To feel great stress or worry about something, such as a decision that has to be taken.

a dilemma – A situation when you have to make a difficult decision between two choices.

to do something anonymously – To do something without giving your name.

hence – Therefore; Which is the reason for; which explains

 

 

Bigmouth strikes again －また言い過ぎ－

The title of today’s blog is taken from a song written by 1980s British band The Smiths, who were fronted by gloomy vocalist Morrissey.  If you are not familiar with his lyrics, then you can get an idea of just how gloomy he is from some of their song titles.  “Girlfriend in a coma”, “Heaven knows I’m miserable now” and “Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me” spring to mind. 

Still, they were a great band, and are my wife’s favourite band.  She wondered what “Bigmouth” meant, so let’s look at some English phrases involving the mouth.  All of these expressions are casual or slang expressions, but are not specific to one country. 

1 – “Bigmouth”

It is not so common to use “bigmouth” as one word.  But the Smiths’ song uses it in “Bigmouth strikes again”.  A bigmouth is a person who says things that they should not, like revealing other people’s secrets.  In the song “Bigmouth strikes again”, the singer makes violent threats against his lover, which he soon regrets.  He sings “Sweetness, I was only joking when I said I’d like to smash every tooth in your head.”  Morrissey is definitely a bigmouth!

2 – “Big mouth”

It is more common to make a sentence using “big mouth” as two words.  People say “Why did he open his big mouth?” or “Me and my big mouth!” to express regret for something that has been said which shouldn’t have been said.  This is used in reference to secrets or gossip, rather than boasting.

For example, everyone at the office is planning a surprise party for their colleague, John.  It is supposed to be kept a secret from John.  But you ask him, “Are you looking forward to the party?  Oh, no!  Me and my big mouth!  I wasn’t supposed to tell you.”

 

3 – A loudmouth

This is a more common expression in English than “bigmouth”.  A loudmouth is usually used to describe a braggart, someone who boasts a lot.  For example, at a party, David tells everyone how much money he has and how expensive his car is.  After the party, you complain, “David is such a loudmouth.”

The boxer Mohammed Ali was sometimes described as a loudmouth because he always boasted, “I am the greatest.”

 

4 – “Wash your mouth out with soap!”

This is a phrase sometimes used by parents to scold their children when they say something inappropriate or use swear words that they shouldn’t be using.  For example, a teenager complains, “This homework is f***ing impossible!”  His mother immediately says, “Wash your mouth out with soap!  Where did you learn to use that kind of language?”

Other vocabulary used in this article:

to be gloomy – To be dark.  About a person, to be depressed, sad, pessimistic etc.

a coma – A state of deep unconsciousness, caused by severe injury or illness.  For example, “He has been in a coma since the car accident.”

to spring to mind – To jump immediately into your thoughts

to boast – To talk with excessive pride and satisfaction about yourself, achievements etc.

 

The cat that put the “will” in “willy-nilly” －“willy-nilly” に“will” を付けたネコ－

I have found a cat very close to my heart.  His name, like mine, is William.  Like me, he daydreams and expects the rest of the world to love him.  But in this story by American writer, James Thurber, William’s beliefs are tested and he learns a hard lesson about how special he really is.

I have edited James Thurber’s story quite a lot to make it easier for non-native speakers to enjoy.  But the original is freely available to download from the Gutenberg Library.  So, if you are interested, please take a look for the original.

To understand the story, you have to know that during a disaster at sea, the crew are traditionally expected to save the Women and children first.

An edited version of, “The Cat in the Lifeboat” by James Thurber.  Full version published in “Further fables for our time” (1956). 

A feline named William got a job in a newspaper office.  He soon found out that he was the only cat named William in town and confused this fact with distinction.  It got so that whenever he heard the name William, he thought that it referred to him.  His fantasies grew wilder and wilder and he came to believe that he was the “Willy” in “willy-nilly”.

He became so lost in his daydreams that he never did anything at work.

“You’re fired!” said his editor one day when William showed up for dreams.

“God will provide,” replied William, brightly.

William went to live with a cat crazy woman who had nineteen other cats but they couldn’t stand William’s egotism or tall tales and so they all left the woman’s house.  The cat crazy woman changed her will and made William her sole heir, which seemed natural to him.

“I am eight feet tall,” William told her one day.

She smiled and replied, “I should say you are.  And I’m going to take you on a trip around the world and show you off to everybody.”

William and his mistress sailed on a ship which ran into high seas and hurricane.  S.O.S. calls were made, rockets were fired into the sky and the officers began running up and down shouting, “Abandon ship!”

And then another shout arose, which seemed only natural to the egotistical cat.  It was, his vain ears told him, the loud repetition of, “William and children first.”

Since, William figured, no lifeboat would be launched until he was safe and sound, he dressed leisurely and then sauntered out on deck.  He leapt lightly into a lifeboat that was being lowered.

“Toss that cat overboard,” cried the sailor in charge of the lifeboat and William was thrown overboard.

When he came to in the icy water, with his remaining strength he swam to an island inhabited by surly lions, tigers and other great cats.

As William lay panting on the shore, a jaguar and lynx walked up to him and asked him who he was and where he came from.  Unfortunately, William’s dreadful experience had produced a traumatic amnesia and he could not remember who he was or where he came from.

“We’ll call him nobody,” said the jaguar.

“Nobody from nowhere,” replied the lynx.

And so William lived amongst the great cats on the island until he lost his life in a bar-room brawl with a young panther who had asked him who he was and where he came from and got what he considered an uncivil answer.

Vocabulary:

a feline – A member of the cat family of animals

distinction – Uniqueness; being special

egotism – Arrogance; A belief in one’s own importance

a tall tale – An exaggerated story, or one which is not completely true

a will – A document which states how you would like your money or property divided after your death

an heir – A person who will inherit someone’s property or money after their death

eight feet - One foot equals 30.48 cm

to abandon something – To leave something

to be vain – To be self-admiring

to saunter – To walk in a casual manner

to come to – To regain consciousness

to be surly – To be bad-tempered; rude

to pant – To breathe in and out very quickly

amnesia – Loss of memory

a brawl – A fight

to be uncivil – To be rude

 

 

Of course I’m childish – I’m 4! －そりゃ、こどもっぽいよ。ぼく、4さいなんだから！－

I was in the train station with one of my friends yesterday.  While we were waiting for the elevator to arrive, we encountered a young mother and her son.  I would guess that the son was about four years old.  And he wasn’t happy.  He was screaming at his mother at the top of his voice.  He screamed and screamed and only paused when he needed to take a breath to scream some more.  His mother was very quiet, asking him nicely to stop.  I couldn’t work out exactly what his problem was but I’m pretty sure it didn’t warrant such a petulant reaction.

But I suppose children are going to behave in a childish way, aren’t they?  Anyway, it got me thinking about some English phrases involving children and babies.  Here are three words which can be used to make interesting expressions.

 

1.

A toddler – A toddler is a small child that can walk, but not very well.  They are older than babies but younger than, say, elementary school children.

“To toddle” means to walk like such a small child.  For example, you can say, “My son has just started toddling, so we have to watch him carefully.”

In Britain, we sometimes say “I’m going to toddle off,” meaning I’m going to go home or leave.  For example, at the pub you might say, “Okay guys.  I’d better toddle off home.  I’ve got work in the morning.”

 

2.

A dummy – The word dummy has several meanings but in regards to babies, it is the small object shaped like a nipple which parents put in their children’s mouths to suck on.  In American English it is called a pacifier.

We sometimes use the phrase “to spit the dummy” to describe someone who behaves very childishly or petulantly, like a child spitting out its dummy because it is angry.  For example, if a footballer doesn’t get a penalty and then kicks the ball away in frustration, the commentators might say, “Well that’s just stupid.  He is just spitting the dummy.”

 

3.

A cradle – A place for a baby to sleep.  Unlike a cot, a cradle can be swung or rocked from side to side.

When the British welfare state was established in the late 1940s, the ministers expressed a desire to provide welfare for the British people “from cradle to grave,” in other words from birth until death.

A humorous slang expression using the word cradle is “a cradle snatcher”.  If you haven’t heard the expression before, can you guess what it means?  To snatch means to grab or steal something.  So the phrase could describe someone who steals a baby.  But we sometimes use it in a humorous sense to describe someone who is much older than their partner.  For example, “Did you hear that John’s new girlfriend is twenty years younger than him?  He’s a real cradle snatcher!”  Please be careful how you use this expression, especially if John is listening!

 

Other vocabulary used in this article:

to warrant something – To deserve something.

to be petulant – For someone’s character or behaviour to be childishly sulky or bad tempered.

welfare – Support given by the government to people in need.

 

A Valentine’s humbug, anyone? －誰か、バレンタインのハムバッグほしい人いるの？－

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Meiji are laughing,
And Lotte are too.

That’s my Valentine’s Day poem for you.  Humbug!

This Saturday it will be Valentine’s Day.  Millions of office workers in Japan will feel obliged to give chocolates to people they don’t particularly like, and who don’t particularly want them.  And the “gift” forces the recipient to spend even more money a month later in return. 

Or... February 14^th is a fun day which helps people to maintain good relations with their co-workers and gives them an excuse to enjoy guilt free chocolate.

Take your pick.

The Saint Valentine’s Day traditions are a little different in the UK than they are in Japan.  We also exchange chocolate, flowers etc.  But it is not just a day for women to give presents to men.  Men and women give presents to each other.  And more than chocolate, people send each other cards with a Valentine’s message.

People often write short poetry, using a very simple formula.  You write a four line poem to the one you love.  The first two lines are, “Roses are red, Violets are blue”.  Then you fill in the last two lines, with the last word of the fourth line rhyming with “blue”. 

Here is a typical example:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Honey is sweet,
And so are you.

It is also a day when people send messages of love to people they are too shy to ask directly.  They might send a card with a poem as above, but then sign it, “from a secret admirer”, or “from your Valentine”.  Then, hopefully, the recipient will guess who has sent it and their relationship will blossom...

Saint Valentine is regarded as a real saint.  But nobody is really sure any more who he was in real life or why he is remembered.  There are at least three people who lived in the days of the Roman Empire who might have inspired the festival.  He may have been a Christian who was killed for his beliefs.  The festival was not originally connected with romance.

The first time that this connection with romance can be found is in the poetry of Geoffrey Chaucer, the 14^th Century English poet.  In one poem, he wrote, “For this was on Saint Valentine’s Day, when every bird comes to choose his mate”.

Valentine’s Day has moved on a long way since Geoffrey Chaucer’s day.  Japanese confectionery companies generate half of their annual sales in the time before Valentine’s Day and White Day, when men are supposed to buy a return gift.  I’d like to say that I prefer the purer romance of the poetry.  But I wrote this blog just after having eaten a whiskey filled chocolate liqueur. 

Come on, ladies.  I like bitter chocolate.  You’ve still got two days left! 

Vocabulary:

a humbug – A kind of hard sweet, which used to be popular in Britain.

Humbug! – Hypocrisy; nonsense.  In Charles Dickens’ story, “A Christmas Carol”, the main character Scrooge said “Humbug!” to show that he thought Christmas was nonsense and not worth his time.

to be obliged to do something – To have a duty to do something; to be bound by some reason, such as custom, to do something.

to blossom – To produce flowers; to grow or mature in a promising way.

a saint – For Christians, a saint is someone celebrated as a holy man who was close to God.  Many saints were chosen because they died horrible deaths for their religion.

a mate – The sexual partner of an animal.

confectionery – Sweets and chocolate.

to generate something – To produce or create something.

Thinking about the cold － 寒さについて考えている－

My wife keeps warning me to be careful out in the snow.  An automatic weather forecast appears on her Yahoo! Homepage and it repeatedly warns of sleet and snow.  We were wondering why it seemed so pessimistic and to be wrong so often.  Then we noticed that our location was set to Sapporo in the north, rather than our real location in Tokyo.

Anyway, it seems like there might really be some sleet today, so I thought it would be a good time to look at some idioms to do with the cold.

1 - To get cold feet:
To get nervous or frightened about doing something.  We often use it when someone suddenly panics about something they had previously arranged to do.
For example, a couple have arranged to get married.  Then before the wedding, the prospective bride talks about postponing the wedding for a while.  Her fiancée might say, “Why are you getting cold feet?” 

2 - To give someone the cold shoulder:

To ignore someone or to treat them without warmth.
For example, a man forgets his wife’s birthday.  Then his wife gives him the cold shoulder for a few days.
(Why are all the examples I think of about marital strife?)

3 - To go cold turkey:
To attempt to come off a substance you are addicted to by suddenly avoiding it completely, rather than reducing your contact with it slowly.
For example, the friend of an alcoholic might say to him, “The only way you can beat your addiction is to go cold turkey.  You have to avoid alcohol altogether.”

Vocabulary:

sleet – Watery snow; half-frozen rain.

a prospective (bride) – A prospective bride is someone who will become a bride soon, or looks likely to.  A prospective buyer is someone who looks likely to buy something.

to postpone something – To delay something; to set back the planned time that an event will happen.

strife – Conflict; trouble.

to be addicted to something – To be unable to stay away from or avoid something because you have gotten so used to it.  Many people are addicted to cigarettes and coffee.

an alcoholic – Someone who is addicted to alcohol.