Thursday 22 December 2022

The Celebrity Sandwich Shop —セレブサンドの店—

My son has a simple English book called, “Sandwich, Sandwich.” 

The book describes how to make a simple sandwich, including steps such as selecting fluffy bread, slicing a tomato, adding some lettuce, etc. 

It struck me as a good, short topic to use in an English lesson: Tell me how to make the perfect sandwich.  So recently I have been asking many of my students this question. 

One student came up with an interesting answer.  Her husband likes an “Elvis sandwich.”  Apparently, Elvis Presley liked to fill a sandwich with banana, bacon and peanut butter.  So that is an Elvis sandwich. 

How about this for a business idea?:  The Celebrity Sandwich Shop! 

The shop only sells sandwiches, and all are named after celebrities.  Preferably the celebrities are dead, in order to avoid legal troubles.  I’m not much of a chef, but even I can make a sandwich.  Now I just need some ideas for some other celebrity sandwich fillings. 

The Karl Marx sandwich?  The bread is the cheapest available, suitable for the oppressed proletariat.  The fillings are tomato, red pepper and red meat, all drenched in the blood of the capitalist oppressors – sorry, I mean chili sauce. 

The Margaret Thatcher sandwich? (for political balance)

The filling is liver, chickpeas, and dried apricot.  All ingredients are good sources of iron. 

If you have any other suggestions for celebrity sandwich fillings, please send them my way!

 

Vocabulary:

fluffy – light and soft like loosely connected strands of wool (eg. “It is so nice to stroke the fluffy fur of my cat.”)

an oppressor – a group or person who treats people harshly and holds them down in an inferior position





Thursday 15 December 2022

Lots of Love, Mr. President -大統領へ、愛をこめて-

It must be hard to be a world leader.  There are so many things you have to understand, from foreign affairs to economics, from policing to media relations.  And if you make even the slightest mistake, you will be blamed by your country’s angry citizens.  Surely only a fool would apply for such a difficult job. 

That must be why so many world leaders appear foolish. 

I had to laugh when I heard Joe Biden begin a speech by saying, “Let me begin with two words: Made in America!” 

It is hard to appear more foolish than George W. Bush.  One of his many gaffes was this: “If you are a single mother with children, which is the toughest job in America as far as I am concerned, then you are trying hard to put food on your family.” 

But I think my favourite gaffe was from former British Prime Minister David Cameron.  It was recently revealed that for years he signed off his emails and texts with “lol! David.”  He thought that “lol” stood for “lots of love.”  In fact, it stands for “laughing out loud.” 

So, the Prime Minister must have sent lots of emails like this: 

It is my great honour to reward you for your charity work in poor countries.  Without your efforts, many poor people in Africa and Asia would have died.

Laughing out loud!

David

 

Oops!


Vocabulary:

a gaffe – an unintentional act or remark causing embarrassment to its originator; a blunder



Thursday 8 December 2022

Inclusive Travel Report —インクルーシブ・トラベル・レポート- ジャパンタイムズに記事が掲載されました

I was contacted recently by an organisation which encourages large companies to make their businesses inclusive for disabled people.  They recently released a report about the travel industry, which named the top ten cities in the world for disabled people to travel to.  One of those cities was Tokyo.  I wrote an article for the Japan Times about the report, which you can find here: 

ジャパンタイムズ記事リンク(2022/12/3)







Thursday 1 December 2022

Hasta la vista, baby -アスタ・ラ・ビスタ、ベイビー-

I was searching a news website today for interesting headlines to write about.  How about this one, from the BBC?: 

“San Francisco to Allow Police Killer Robots” 

Just from the headline, it is not quite clear whether the robots are “police killer robots,” meaning that they are robots being used by the police to kill criminals, or “police killer robots,” meaning that the robots are being used by someone to kill police officers. 

Apparently, it is the former. 

In situations of extreme danger, such as a sniper targeting police officers, or a terrorist group determined to kill, it might be too dangerous to send real humans in to incapacitate the suspects.  The “killer robot” could be sent in to incapacitate them instead.  This could include the use of lethal force. 

Some citizens, quite understandably, are a little nervous about the idea of killer robots.  Hasn’t anyone ever seen the Terminator movies?  Killer robots always end up turning against humanity.

In America, there is a campaign group called “Stop Killer Robots.”  A spokesperson for the group said, the robots could, “make humans more and more distant from the use of force and the consequences of the use of force.” 

This story made me remember the ending to the movie, “Terminator 2: Judgement Day.” 

“Watching John with the machine, it was suddenly so clear.  The Terminator would never stop.  It would never leave him, and it would never hurt him – never shout at him, or get drunk and hit him, or say it was too busy to spend time with him.  It would always be there.  And it would die to protect him.” 

I hope the killer robots are always on our side.

 

Vocabulary:

the former – the first of two options given

to incapacitate someone – to prevent from functioning in a normal way; to disable

lethal force – the use of force which results in death

 


Thursday 24 November 2022

Turning Japanese -日本人になっていく-

Congratulations to Japan for beating Germany at the football World Cup last night. 

I sat up and listened to the commentary of the match.  And I noticed something interesting. 

I got very emotionally involved in the match, pumping my fist in joy when Japan scored and getting nervous when Germany attacked.  Until now, I have only become emotionally involved for my club side, Celtic, and my home country, Scotland. 

It is about 19 years since I first came to Japan.  Now I am finally turning Japanese.  I wonder what caused the change in my attitude.  Was it having a son here, who will probably identify more with Japan than with Scotland?  Did I finally eat so many Meiji chocolate covered almonds that it has affected my d.n.a.? 

Gambare, Nihon!

 


Thursday 17 November 2022

Strong Enough - 十分強い -

I recently visited my six year old son’s nursery, to listen to the children playing and to chat to my son’s teachers.  The nursery invites all the parents to come in for a visit one by one. 

My son was very excited about my visit. 

“Be strong, Daddy,” he told me. 

“Why do you want me to be strong?” I asked. 

“Because I told everyone that my Daddy is so strong,” he said.  “So, if you are not strong, they will call me a liar.” 

I hope I looked strong enough.  I didn’t perform any impressive feats of strength.  I just sat at the side of the class, shook the hands of a few children who came up to me, and said “Hello” or “Good morning” to a few of his classmates who take English lessons. 

My son’s classmates were interested in comparing the shade of my son’s skin to mine.  They were convinced that my skin was a little whiter. 

That seemed to worry my son a little.  Later he asked me, “Daddy, if I go to Scotland, will my skin become whiter?” 

It is quite awkward to answer a child’s innocently asked questions about skin colour.  It made me wonder if I would have to worry about my son encountering racism if we ever did go to live in Scotland.  Or maybe he will have problems in Japan for having a foreign parent.  I told him that light and dark skin tones were both beautiful, and I would be happy whether he had dark or light skin. 

My son’s elementary school backpack arrived in the post recently.  Today he is going on a visit to the elementary school he will join next year.  I hope we are both strong enough for the challenges ahead.

 

Vocabulary:

a feat – an achievement that requires great skill, courage, or strength (eg., “The Forth Bridge is an impressive feat of engineering.”)

the shade of something – how light or dark something is

  




Thursday 10 November 2022

The Politician and the Kangaroo Penis -政治家とカンガルーのペニス-

“Matt Hancock isn’t a celebrity.  He’s the former Health Secretary who oversaw the UK having one of the highest death tolls in the world from covid 19 whilst breaking his own lockdown rules.”

The campaign group, Covid 19 Bereaved Families for Justice


I wonder if Japanese readers will remember the former British Health Secretary, Matt Hancock.  He made embarrassing headline news around the world during the height of the covid 19 pandemic when he was forced to resign for having an affair and being seen kissing his girlfriend in his office when people were not supposed to meet except for vital work. 

The same Matt Hancock has now just agreed to appear on the reality tv show, “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!” 

On that reality tv show, various celebrities are taken to the Australian jungle and forced to perform difficult or disgusting tasks, such as eating bugs.  Matt Hancock will appear on the show while he is still working as a Member of Parliament.  Many British voters are not amused at this use of their MP’s time, especially after his past mistakes. 

Matt Hancock defended himself by saying that he would donate “some of” his fee for appearing on the show to charity, and saying that it was a good opportunity to connect with people who are not normally interested in politics. 

Matt Hancock’s own party, the Conservative Party, has not been impressed by his explanation.  They have suspended him from the party.  And here are what some of his colleagues have said of his latest actions: 

“Matt Hancock has been an absolute prat and [being suspended by the party] is the least he deserves.  I am completely disappointed and disgusted that he has put himself and his so called celebrity career ahead of serving his constituents.”

Conservative MP, Tim Loughton

 

“I am looking forward to seeing Matt Hancock eating a kangaroo’s penis.”

Andy Drummond, Deputy Chairman of the West Suffolk Conservative Association

 

Britain has been struggling to find a new role in the world since Brexit.  We have always been good at comedy.  Is our new role to be that funny little country with the ridiculous politicians and news stories that makes the rest of the world feel good about itself?  Are Boris Johnson, Liz Truss and Matt Hancock competing to become the new Silvio Berlusconi?

 

Vocabulary:

a death toll – the number of deaths from a particular cause (eg. “The death toll from the recent violence has risen to 12.”)

bereaved – of a person, suffering the loss of a loved one through death (eg. “She is taking time off work at the moment, since she is a recently bereaved widow.”)

a prat – This is British slang for an incompetent idiot. (eg. “He turned up at a wedding celebration in jeans and a t-shirt?  What a prat!”)

 


Thursday 27 October 2022

Karuizawa Ramble -軽井沢散策-

My wife and I, and our six year old son arrived in Karuizawa from Tokyo by coach. 

“This is the stop for the onsen!” announced the driver. 

All of the other remaning passengers got off, leaving just us sitting alone. 

“Aren’t you getting off?” asked the driver. 

“No, we are going one more stop,” said my wife.  “I think that’s what it said you had to do to get to the nature walk on the web site, anyway.”  She sounded uncertain. 

“To the depot?” said the driver.  “Well, okay.” 

So we continued past the tourist areas and on to the coach depot.  There was no nature walk there, just some coaches, a vending machine, and some drivers drinking Boss coffee.  So we had to walk for about twenty-five minutes back to the onsen stop we had just passed, on a narrow leave strewn path beside the highway, being constantly passed by noisy, smelly trucks.  At least it wasn’t raining. 

A little tired from our walk along the highway, we found the tourist area.  We had pizza for lunch.  My son insisted on having chocolate and banana pizza.  Then we took part in a two hour nature walk in the forest with a guide. 

“My binoculars are broken,” complained my son.  “I can’t see anything.” 

“That’s because you are putting your eyes to the wrong end,” explained the guide.  “Try turning them around and you will be able to see things more clearly.” 

The nature walk was a lot of fun.  The guide pointed out different animal tracks, birds and insects, and explained something about each. 

He pointed out two lines of ants – one line climbing up a tree, and the other line coming down.  The bodies of the ants in the line coming down were bigger than the ones going up.  So they were having their lunch at the top of the tree. 

The guide pointed out some claw marks on another tree, which had been made by a bear as it climbed, looking for cherries.  My son shook his bell frantically to keep the bears away. 

Our holiday was almost ruined the next day by arithmetic. 

“Ask me an arithmetic question,” said my son, as we walked around some shops. 

I gave him some problems, such as 12 times 12 and 14 times 14, which he got right.  Then I asked him to do 17 times 17. 

His answer was wrong, and I told him so. 

“No, Daddy!  You are wrong!” 

He refused to accept that he was wrong, or accept any help in solving the problem.  He was in a bad mood for about six hours because of 17 times 17.  Eventually, after tears and tantrums in a burger restaurant, he accepted that even he could sometimes make mistakes. 

“Daddy made a mistake when he went for breakfast without his mask, and we all had to go back to our room on the third floor to get it.  Mummy made a mistake when she took us to the depot.  And I made a mistake when I did 17 times 17.” 

I don’t like onsens.  Hot baths make me feel ill.  So instead of the hotel hot spring, I’ll always associate Karuizawa with a family stroll around the local coach depot, chocolate and banana pizza, ants with full bellies, and the number 289.

 

Vocabulary:

to ramble – this has two meanings.  One meaning of ramble is to walk for pleasure in the countryside.  The other meaning is to talk or write at length in a confused way, or about unimportant topics

a depot – this word comes from French, so the pronunciation is French.  The final “t” is not pronounced.  A depot is a place where large vehicles such as buses or trains are kept and maintained when they are not in use.

to be strewn (with leaves) – untidily scattered (with leaves)

frantically – in a hurried way because of strong fear or anxiety

arithmetic – the manipulation of numbers by adding, subtracting, multiplying, etc. 



Thursday 20 October 2022

A taxi to the Heavens -天へのタクシー-

“Where are you going to, love? 

Isn’t it odd the way some taxi drivers become instantly familiar and casual with their passengers?  They often start chatting about their lives, hobbies and the city, whether their passengers are in a mood to talk or not. 

Imagine if the pilot of a plane took the same attitude. 

“Thank you for flying with British Airways.  We are currently cruising at around 30,000 feet.  Speaking of feet, I just bought a pair of new shoes.  Since my divorce, I have decided to start treating myself.  You’ve got to treat yourself once in a while, don’t you think?  Please fasten your seatbelts, as we are experiencing a little turbulence.  To be honest, mates, I don’t know why people bother with seatbelts on planes.  If we fly into a mountain, I don’t see how a seatbelt is going to help, do you?  [Beep, beep!]  Sorry about that, folks.  That cloud is just sitting there in the middle of the sky, as if it owns the place.” 

I recently took a taxi with a driver who was very chatty.  My family and I were taking a taxi home from Ikebukero, and the driver chatted about various new buildings and shops that had opened up in the area, and his opinions on them.  Then my wife said that there was a planetarium in Sunshine City. 

“I’ve been there, and I don’t trust the planetarium,” said the driver.  “The stars aren’t real.” 

I thought maybe that he meant that the show was somehow inaccurate, perhaps that the planetarium cut the number of stars they showed to keep the picture simple.  But that’s not what he meant. 

“How can you see the stars in the daytime?” he asked.  “So it must be fake.” 

The odd taxi driver seemed to believe that the planetarium was scamming its customers, because it did not have a real telescope. 

If driverless cars really do become as successful as some people predict them to, perhaps human taxi drivers will disappear.  I’ll miss them.  Robots can’t give you the same quirky experience.

 

Vocabulary:

to cruise – to travel smoothly at a moderate speed

to treat oneself – to give oneself something luxurious or special

turbulence – violent or unsteady movement of air or water

inaccurate – not correct; containing a mistake or mistakes

to scam someone – to cheat someone, especially for money


 


Thursday 13 October 2022

To be or not to be, that is the quotation -生きるべきか、死ぬべきか-

In a Shakespeare play, the character of Hamlet asks, “To be or not to be, that is the question.” It is a very famous and often quoted line.

I will write down the first half of some other famous quotations, with three suggestions for how to finish each one. See if you can choose the correct ending.


1

Winston Churchill:

“If you are going through hell,…”

A – “…don’t be surprised if it gets very hot.”

B – “…keep going.”

C – “…spit in the Devil’s eye.”


2

Oscar Wilde:

“We are all in the gutter,…”

A – “…but some of us don’t mind the smell.”

B – “…but some of us are looking at the stars.”

C – “…but some of us are looking for their dropped keys.”


3

Marcus Aurelius:

“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of…”

A – “…your wife.”

B – “…your wine.”

C – “…your thoughts.”


4

Harry Potter:

“I am what I am, and I am not…”

A – “…ashamed.”

B – “…going to apologise for drinking and flying.”

C – “…real.”


5

Niccolo Machiavelli:

“It is better to be feared than loved, if…”

A – “…you are Liz Truss.”

B – “…you have tested positive for covid.”

C – “…you cannot be both.”


Answers:

1B, 2B, 3C, 4A, 5C



Thursday 29 September 2022

Liz Truss Makes a Pig’s Ear of the British Economy -トラス首相は英国経済を豚の耳に変える-

The early 19th century French leader, Napoleon Bonaparte, once described the British as a nation of small shopkeepers.  He didn’t mean it as a compliment.  He meant that the British were unphilosophical, unexciting and uncultured, and as conservative as a small scale butcher or baker. 

In a way he was right.  Most countries have experienced revolutions or radical political swings in the modern era.  France swung from Louis XVI to Robespierre.  Germany swung from the avant-garde era of Weimar to Hitler’s Reich.  Meanwhile, Britain avoided revolution or wild political and cultural swings, and just quietly got on with business. 

At least we were quietly and very conservatively getting on with business until Brexit.  That was a pretty significant and radical political change, which seems to have given politicians a taste for sudden leaps into the unknown.  It is as if Britain’s political philosophy had changed from, “Keep calm and carry on,” to “Move fast and break stuff.” 

Our new prime minister, Liz Truss, is certainly keen to move fast and break stuff.  She made radical tax cuts so quickly that she didn’t let independent economists forecast the effects of her changes, which caused serious doubt.  And she seems to have broken the confidence of the international financial community in Britain’s medium term future.  She has cut taxes for everyone, especially the super-rich.  And she is paying for these tax cuts with a huge increase in borrowing.  Clearly this cannot continue for very long.  So the financial markets are no longer willing to buy British debt, or give Britain cheap loans. 

Liz Truss’s plan is to grow the economy so quickly that the massive tax cuts will pay for themselves.  To follow Napoleon’s analogy of a nation of small shopkeepers, Britain’s economy before Liz Truss was like a butcher’s business.  We were selling pork and bacon to the world at a steady price, but the business was growing only slowly.  Liz Truss wanted faster growth, so she shot half of the pigs and replaced them with new, genetically modified pigs with tiny bodies and enormous ears.  She is gambling that the rest of the world can be persuaded to eat the new, pure British product for breakfast, lunch and dinner. 

Pig’s ear and chips, anyone?

 

Thursday 22 September 2022

It’s Raining Cats and Elephants-土砂降り!猫と象が降っている。-

 1 - It is raining cats and (?)

(elephants, so please wear a hard hat)

(kittens, but don’t worry – they are mostly landing on their feet.)

(dogs, so please take an umbrella.)


2 - We can kill two birds with one (?)

(grenade.)

(cat.)

(stone.)


3 - He has let the cat out of the (?)

(tree, where he just killed two birds.)

(cloud, which is why it is raining cats.)

(bag, so it is no longer a secret.)


4 - The early bird gets (?)

(sleepy in the afternoon.)

(lost in the dark.)

(the worm.)


Thursday 15 September 2022

5 Signs the Japanese Tourist Board Should Avoid -日本観光局が避けるべき5つ看板-

With the coronavirus situation getting better, and Japan’s borders starting to open up, more foreign tourists will start arriving again.  No doubt the local tourist boards are taking the time to renovate and install new signs and guidance to prepare for the influx.  Here are five signs which the Japanese Tourist Board should avoid.

 

Nara Park:

Deer crackers can be fed to the deer, or make a cheap lunch for budget travellers

 

Mount Fuji:

Keep off the lava

 

Kinkakuji:

Yukio Mishima brand cigarette lighters are available from the gift shop

 

Tokyo Sky Tree:

Access to the smog observation platform is available for a modest surcharge

 

Snow Monkey Park:

There are plenty of snow monkeys inhabiting the area, which can be seen bathing in the hot spring here.  So please feel free to take one home with you



Thursday 8 September 2022

Home Delivery Coals to Newcastle -ニューカッスルまでのホームデリバリー石炭-

A few weeks ago it was reported that Domino’s Pizza was pulling out of Italy.  The American fast food chain is a successful worldwide brand, which sells American style pizzas, including “meat feast” and “Hawaiian style” pizzas.  The restaurant chain has, for example, 1,200 stores in the UK and Ireland. 

Domino’s entered the Italian market in 2015, and by this year had 23 outlets in Italy.  They tried to compete with local pizzerias by focussing on the convenience of their home delivery service.  Unfortunately for them, during the pandemic, many local pizzerias had to switch to offering home delivery too.  The Italian arm of Domino’s has filed for bankruptcy, and their stores in the homeland of pizza will all close. 

There are rumors that Domino’s are not perturbed by their setback, and are looking for further investment opportunities.  They are looking at the possibility of exporting American style chopsticks to China, of selling American style sand to Saudi Arabia, and shipping American style ice to Iceland.


Vocabulary:

coals to Newcastle – Newcastle is a town in England which used to be famous for coal.  So the phrase, “carrying coals to Newcastle,” came to mean foolishly trying to provide goods to a market where those goods were already plentiful and not needed.

to be perturbed by something – to be made anxious or unsettled by something

 


Friday 2 September 2022

A Woman’s Heart, the Autumn Sky -女心と秋の空-(ジャパンタイムズに記事が掲載されました)

I wrote an article for the Japan Times about autumn in Japan, and why I think it is a more romantic season than spring. 

I mention the Japanese proverb, “Onnagokoro to aki no sora.”  It basically means that woman’s heart is as fickle as the autumn weather. 

I also included some autumn haiku, including this one:

 

In September,

The sky wears,

A lined kimono

—Kobayashi Issa (1763-1828) 

You can read the article here:

ジャパンタイムズ記事リンク

 

 

Vocabulary:

fickle - changing frequently, especially regarding someone’s loyalties or affections



Thursday 25 August 2022

Hello Kyogo Furuhashi, Farewell Toothbrush-Biter -こんにちは古橋亨梧、さようなら歯ブラシを嚙みまくる人-

It was my son’s sixth birthday recently. 

My wife had the idea of encouraging him to leave some of his rebellious or challenging behaviour behind now that he has turned six.  She got him to write down “having temper tantrums” and “biting my toothbrush” on pieces of paper.  Then she had him tear up the paper and throw it in the bin.  It was like a little ceremony.  The idea is that it should help him stop having temper tantrums and biting his toothbrush.  I hope it has some effect!  We have to buy a new toothbrush for him every month because he can’t stop biting them. 

One of his favourite presents was from my parents in Scotland.  My local Scottish football team has several Japanese players now, including Kyogo Furuhashi.  Unfortunately no one at the nursery seems to know him. 

We got through another birthday without giving him a computer or computer games.  He still likes running around wild, pretending to fight monsters, and biting toothbrushes.  I wonder if this will still be true on his seventh birthday?


Vocabulary:

a temper tantrum – a childish display of sudden, uncontrollable anger

 


Thursday 18 August 2022

The (not so) Amazing Mole Man -アメイジング(じゃない)モグラマン-

There are some superheroes who take their inspiration and powers from the animal kingdom.  Think of Spiderman.  He has the spider’s powers to cling to walls, and spin webs. 

If you could take your superpowers from the animal kingdom, then what animal would inspire you? 

How about becoming Funguswoman?  Some fungi can control the behaviour of ants.  Their fungus spores get into the brain of the ant and release chemical signals, forcing the “zombie ant” to climb a high tree and then bite hard into the trunk to stay in place.  As more and more fungus grows in the ant’s body, it eventually bursts out, showering the fungus spores over a large area of the forest.  Funguswoman would have the power to release spores that would get into the brains of bad guys.  Thieves would breathe in his spores and their infected brains would start to dislike stealing, and crave to knit, or help little old ladies across the road instead.  Funguswoman’s boyfriend would always put the toilet seat down after he had finished. 

How about becoming Moleman?  Moles are great at digging tunnels underground.  Perhaps Moleman would be a supervillain, who would tunnel beneath the city streets to reach bank vaults and steal loads of money without getting caught. 

Unfortunately, someone has already taken the idea of Moleman.  Recently, the BBC reported this:

“An Italian man has been rescued from a collapsed tunnel near the Vatican, and police suspect he could have been burrowing his way into a bank.  He is now recovering in hospital after firefighters spent eight hours digging him out from under a road.  But he may now need to dig himself out of further trouble, as police have arrested him and a second man for damage to public property.  Officers believe he may have been part of a gang that was trying to break into a bank." 

Maybe Moleman is not such a great idea after all.

 

Vocabulary:

to cling to something – to hold tightly to something

fungi – the plural form of fungus.  Yeasts, molds and mushrooms are fungi.  (Joke: Why was the mushroom invited to the party?  Because he was such a fun guy)

a spore – the thing that some organisms, such as molds, use to reproduce.  Many spores are released, and some can grow and reproduce if they land in the right place

a trunk – of a tree, the main body

to crave (to knit) – to have an extremely strong desire (to knit)

to burrow – of an animal such as a rabbit, to dig an underground tunnel

 




Friday 12 August 2022

Keeping up appearances, part 4 -容姿を保つこと パート4-

In parts 1 to 3, we learned about Mr. Teruya, a Japanese salaried worker aged 62 and Andy, a foreigner.  They met on an early morning train.  Mr. Teruya was shocked when an office lady stood up to let him sit down for the first time.  Andy stayed out all night drinking, and sleeping on a park bench.  When Andy playfully touched Mr. Teruya’s newspaper, some misunderstandings between the two led to bad feelings.  Andy pulled out his cigarettes and lighter, forgetting that he couldn’t smoke on the train.  When Mr. Teruya expressed his further disapproval, Andy set fire to Mr. Teruya’s newspaper.
 
Part 4:
 
Officer Kouga looked at the man who had been picked up at Higashi Nakano Station and who now sat behind the one-way glass in Interview Room B.  He didn’t look much like a terrorist, he had to admit.  An over-excited member of the station staff had called it a terrorist attack on the public transport system.  The Australian embassy had been contacted and the Ambassador was due to call back in an hour or so.  Officer Kouga doubted whether terrorists were recruiting their members from park benches and getting them drunk before sending them on their evil assignments.  The suspect, Andrew Locke, English teacher on a working holiday visa, let his head sink down onto his folded arms on the desk in front of him in a convincing show of drunken tiredness.
 
A number of coffees, cigarettes and phone calls later and Officer Kouga was in Interview Room A with Mr. Teruya.
 
“It is clear that the man isn’t a terrorist.  He wasn’t making any political statement.  And, as you may have noticed, he was very drunk.  Tokyo Metropolitan Subway are not insisting on prosecuting him.  So, we’ve half a mind just to stick him in the drunk tank and let him sleep it off.”
 
Mr. Teruya sighed and sat back in his seat.  “He set my newspaper on fire.  I had to throw it on the floor and stamp out the flames.  Someone could easily have gotten hurt.  There was all sorts of pushing and shoving when people ran to get out of the way,” he said.
 
“Yes, of course you are right.  We can’t have people setting fires on trains.  But you wouldn’t believe the paperwork involved if we have to write this up as a terrorist incident.  If he just sort of, you know, accidentally touched his lighter to your paper due to drunken confusion… it would be quicker for everybody, including yourself.  But it is up to you, of course.  He damaged your property.  And you were lucky you could put out the fire without getting injured.  You are entitled to press charges.  I’ll leave it up to you.”
 
“There were women on the train, you know,” protested Mr. Teruya.  “What if one of them had gotten hurt?”
 
“Well, quite,” said Officer Kouga.  “It was a very dangerous business.  By the way, Mr. Locke said that the problems all started because he tried to get a look at a picture of a girl in a bikini on the back of your paper, and you tried to hide it from him.  Is that right?”
 
“What?!” exclaimed Mr. Teruya.  “I don’t know anything about a girl in a bikini.  I was reading an article about politics!”
 
“Well, quite,” replied the officer.  “A drunken misunderstanding.  Do you want to take a look at him?  He’s behind one-way glass.  He won’t know you’re there.”
 
Mr. Teruya was curious to see how the fire-raiser was coping in police custody, and accepted the offer.  The policeman led him to a spot where he could see into the room where the tubby foreigner sat.  He was sitting slumped back in his chair and smoking a cigarette with a distant look on his face.  A small pile of butts was sitting in the ash-tray in front of him.
 
The man’s flesh had a blotchy look.  A stain of some sort was visible on the front of his woollen sweater.
 
“Would you believe that he’s still in his early twenties?” asked Officer Kouga.
 
“No, not really.”  The man looked some fifteen years older.  “What does he do?”
 
“English teacher.  You know the type: they come over here and drift around, with a new girlfriend more often than a new hair cut.  But still, we were all young once, eh?”
 
“Yes, I suppose so,” said Mr. Teruya.  He tried to remember the face of the office lady who had given him her seat, but struggled to recall it clearly.  He was able to bring to mind her sweet perfume, though.  He reached for his briefcase.
 
“I won’t be pressing charges,” he said.  “It’s not worth wasting time over.  We were all young once.”
 
**
 
Thanks to those who read all four parts of the story!
 


Vocabulary:

a drunk tank – a room, usually in a police station, for people to recover from excessive drunkenness

a fire-raiser – an arsonist; someone who starts fires

to be slumped – to be leaning heavily or fallen over, due to tiredness, lack of energy, injury, etc.

a (cigarette) butt – the end of a cigarette which is held and not smoked
blotchy – covered with spots or patches of colour
 



Thursday 4 August 2022

Keeping up appearances, part 3 -容姿を保つこと パート3-

In parts 1 and 2, Mr. Teruya, a 62 year old businessman, was shocked when an office lady stood up to let him sit down.  Her actions made him realise that he was getting old.  Meanwhile, Andy, a young Caucasian, spent much of the night drinking, and fell asleep on a bench next to the river.  Smelling of alcohol and cigarrettes, the dirty Andy got onto Mr. Teruya’s early morning train, and stood in front of his seat. 

Part 3: 

Wishing to put a barrier between himself and this foreigner who smelled of alcohol, Mr. Teruya half stood and lifted his newspaper from the luggage rack. 

Andy jerked his head twice to stop himself from drifting to sleep and began a large burp.  It tasted of bile, amongst other things.  He looked down at the businessman who had just pulled down a newspaper.  He was a typical salaryman, he thought, much like the rows of similar workers in the seats to either side.  But Andy noticed that this businessman was staring at him, and he didn’t like it.  After staring disapprovingly at Andy for a moment, the man’s gaze went back to the front page of his newspaper.  “Can’t a foreigner stand on a train for five minutes without being stared at as if he were a Martian?” thought Andy. 

Andy looked at the back of the businessman’s paper.  It seemed to be a pretty low class of tabloid, because the type was big and there were lots of pictures.  There was a panel showing a full figured lady in a bikini, holding a frothing glass of beer.  Andy didn’t know what headline news could have required such a picture: New study shows that beer tastes better in a bikini? 

The businessman looked again at Andy and followed his gaze to the back of his newspaper.  In apparent irritation, he folded the paper in half, covering the girl in the bikini. 

“Damn it!” thought Andy.  “So it’s like that, is it?” 

He reached out a chubby finger and lifted the back of the paper, so that the bikini clad beauty was visible again.  He raised an eyebrow at the businessman in a humorous gesture. 

Mr. Teruya was shocked to see the end of his paper lifted by the foreigner.  He felt his heartbeat quicken as he saw the man open his eyes wide and stare at him challengingly.  Not quite knowing what to do, he lifted up the paper and slapped the foreigner’s finger with an open palm.  He prayed that the office lady hadn’t seen the incident but he was too ashamed to look for her.  He pulled the paper close to his face and tried to concentrate on an article on a politician’s misuse of public funds. 

Andy couldn’t believe that the man had slapped his finger.  “What arrogance!” he thought.  “What happened to your sense of humour?” 

Feeling stung and embarrassed, Andy fell back upon his general stress response.  He reached into his pocket and pulled out his lighter and cigarettes.  It was only when he had them in his shaking hand that he realised he wouldn’t be able to smoke on the train. 

Mr. Teruya tried to calm himself.  To be thrown on the scrapheap of old age and now this?  He found a song playing at the edge of his mind.  It was by Imawano Kiyoshiro.  He was singing that Papa in the daytime was shining.  He was working up a good sweat, Papa in the daytime is a man.  It had been used in an advert for a construction company.  Several lines of the song were going round and round his mind in a tight loop. 

Mr. Teruya moved the paper back to a more natural distance from his face.  He looked up and to the right, searching for the office lady.  But she was gone.  Maybe she had found a seat somewhere further down the train, or maybe she had gotten off.  He had lost her. 

Looking back at the foreigner, he found that the fool had pulled out a packet of cigarettes and was apparently about to start smoking on the increasingly packed commuter train.  He glared at the man, took a long disapproving look at the cigarettes, tutted loudly and then went back to his paper, turning over the page and carefully folding it over so as to take up less space. 

Andy was shuffling the cigarettes and lighter around in his hands when the man stared at him with disgust and tried to shame him with a loud tut.  An ache had sprung up behind his nose and was spreading into a bad headache.  “He’s such an important businessman that he can’t take a simple joke,” he thought.  He watched the man carefully and defiantly fold his all important newspaper, jealously guarding its bikini girls. 

Andy put his cigarettes away and felt a whim bubble up to the surface of his mind.  Before he had time to question the wisdom of what he was doing, he stuck out his lighter and set the bottom of the businessman’s newspaper on fire.

 

Vocabulary:

to jerk (your head) – to move (your head) with a sudden, sharp movement

bile – a bitter fluid which helps the stomach to digest food

a tabloid – a newspaper aimed at less well educated readers, often featuring sports stories or celebrity gossip

to be thrown on the scrapheap – to be thrown away or rejected as useless

packed – of a train, room, etc., filled with many people

to tut – to make a slight noise with your tongue and the top of your mouth, generally indicating disappointment or disapproval

a whim – a sudden desire or change of mind, especially one that is unusual or unexplained

 



Thursday 28 July 2022

Keeping up appearances, part 2 -容姿を保つこと パート2-

In part 1, Mr. Teruya, a Japanese businessman, was shocked when a lady stood up to let him take her seat.  It was the first time someone had offered him a seat on a train due to his age. 

Part 2: 

The woman had moved several yards away to stand holding a long pole near the doors.  She glanced round at him and he gave her another little bow.  Sitting in the seat she had just vacated, he smelled a sweet scent, a subdued perfume. 

*** 

Andy could smell the river.  He had lain down on a bench overlooking the concreted banks.  And somehow he had fallen asleep despite the night chill.  He sat up and stretched, feeling a pain behind his eyes and body aches from lying on a cold stone bench. 

He fumbled for his cigarettes and lighter.  He tried to take stock of where he was as he lit up and wisps of smoke drifted into the dawn sky. 

His flatmate Phil had taken the last train home.  Andy had found another bar.  He had been chatting with a group of young Japanese guys.  There had been some plan or other to go hunting for girls.  But somehow the plan had petered out as everybody got drunk, and Andy had slipped away.  He couldn’t remember if he had contributed to the bill.  He felt a pocketful of coins, along with a few small value notes.  He had certainly been paying for something. 

After leaving the bar, he had wandered, looking for somewhere to pass the hours until dawn and the trains started up again.  He had stumbled towards lights on a number of occasions hoping for an all-night cafe, a bar, a strip club, anything.  But they had all turned out to be convenience stores, parking lots, vending machines, and the like. 

So in the end he had found this little bench.  He was glad it looked out over the dirty river.  It smelled like he felt. 

He smoked the cigarette three quarters of the way to the nub and then threw it on the ground, stamping out the flame.  His mouth was incredibly dry and he looked around for a vending machine.  He turned away from the river and back to what he hoped was the direction of civilization.  Even if he got his directions muddled, he couldn’t go too far wrong.  In Tokyo you were never more than twenty feet away from a vending machine.  Or was that rats? 

Sure enough, he soon found a vending machine.  Here was a chance to get rid of some of these coins weighing down his pocket.  There was lemon water, peach water, fizzy water.  It might not be a bad idea to get a drink of water sometime soon, and rehydrate, he thought.  But who pays for water? 

He found a hot coffee, the ubiquitous American actor looking extremely satisfied with himself as he drank it in a little advertising poster behind a sample can.  Andy paid his 120 yen and the machine spat out a can. 

He picked up the coffee, pulled back the ring and took a swig.  It did little to lessen his thirst and in fact it made him feel like vomiting.  He forced himself to take another swig.  Then he balanced the can on top of the machine and fished about for his cigarettes and lighter again. 

Peering ahead, he saw a little foot traffic.  A man in a business suit disappeared down a set of stone steps.  A train station, he hoped. 

*** 

Mr. Teruya sat with his back straight, looking at the floor of the carriage.  He could find the woman again easily from this position and he did so at regular intervals.  Normally he took the opportunity to close his eyes and perhaps drift into sleep if he got a seat.  But today he couldn’t stop thinking about what had just happened. 

He had an overwhelming desire to confess.  When it came his time to get off the train, he would pass close to the woman.  He would thank her and she would smile.  He would say, “You know that today was the first time that I have been given a seat because of my age.” 

She would probably start to apologise, maybe a blush would spread across her face.  But he would stop her.  “Don’t worry about it.  It’s natural.  There’s a first time for everything and, to be honest, I was quite tired.”  The doors would open and... 

His thoughts were interrupted as a large man came to stand in front of him.  It was a tubby Caucasian, dressed in grubby black jeans and wearing a thick woollen sweater over the paunch directly in front of Mr. Teruya’s head.  A belch came from the man’s reddish, unshaven face and the smell of alcohol, tobacco and sweat overwhelmed the sweet scent of the office lady’s perfume.  The man swayed unsteadily on his feet as if struggling to stay awake.  His greasy, matted hair sat in wild dark curls, like the fleece of a black sheep.

 

Vocabulary:

subdued – soft and restrained

to take stock of something – of a situation, to make an overall assessment

to peter out – to gradually become weaker or smaller before disappearing or stopping

muddled – confused or mixed up

ubiquitous – appearing everywhere or found everywhere

a swig – a single large gulp of a drink

tubby – (informal) short and rather fat

a paunch – a large belly which sticks out

a belch – a large or noisy burp; wind brought up from the stomach, through the mouth