I’m So Cute, I Could Just Marry Myself －私は可愛すぎて、自分と結婚できるわ－

“Mirror, mirror on the wall – Who’s the fairest of them all?”

From “Snow White”

 

“Never marry at all, Dorian.  Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.”

Oscar Wilde, from, “The Picture of Dorian Gray”

 

In India recently, a 24 year-old woman married herself.  She put on a traditional red bridal dress, had her hair powdered and oiled, invited friends and family for music and dancing to celebrate.  Then she walked seven times around a sacred fire to complete the ceremony. 

“I will be dedicating my life to self love,” the new bride told the media.  “Self-marriage is a commitment to being there for yourself… It’s my way of showing that I’m accepting of all the different parts of me, especially the parts of myself that I have tried to deny or disown, such as my weaknesses.” 

After the wedding, the bride treated herself to a two week honeymoon in Goa. 

I just hope the relationship is strong enough to survive some of the problems that can arise within a marriage.  How would the bride react if her beloved marriage partner one day had an affair? 

A Scottish Wedding on the Run －スコットランドで駆け落ち婚－

Parents don’t always approve of their child’s decision of a marriage partner.  This is especially true if there is a big age gap between the two lovers. 

A young person who is determined to marry someone that their parents disapprove of might have to run away from home to get married.  In the mid 18^th century, it became common for young English people in this situation to run away to Scotland to get married.  The law in England stated that people under the age of 21 needed their parents’ permission to wed, and the wedding could only take place in a church.  In Scotland, however, a young adult did not need their parents’ permission, and didn’t even need to find a church.  So many English couples who could not get the permission of a parent crossed the border into Scotland to marry.  The nearest village on the road from England was Gretna Green, and it became famous for holding many of these run-away marriages. 

I fear that my own son is planning to run away to Scotland to get married, since his mother and I do not approve of his chosen partner.  I can’t accept a wedding between them, because the age gap is insurmountable.  The woman is a nursery teacher in her thirties, and my son is just five. 

My son apparently said to his favourite female nursery teacher, “I will take you to Scotland.  Why don’t you come with me?” 

His teacher laughed, and agreed.  Later, she told us the story. 

We didn’t mention anything to our son about it, but it seems he is really taking the idea seriously.  When he was sitting at the dinner table, he started muttering to himself. 

“But I might wet my pants on the plane..” 

He is clearly thinking through some of the difficulties of his plan.  I hope he sees sense and reconsiders.  When he posts his wedding photos on Facebook, what will the neighbors say?

 

Vocabulary:

to be insurmountable – too great to be overcome (For example, “We will never succeed.  The problems are insurmountable.”)

to mutter – to say something in a low or hard to hear voice, especially in dissatisfaction or irritation

 

The A toZ of Dates to Avoid: A －AからZまでのダメダメデート：A編－

My wife recently told me about a Japanese podcaster who warned against dating three kinds of men: creators, cameramen, and curry enthusiasts. 

People who work in creative fields such as artists or influencers probably don’t have a regular salary.  You never know when a cameraman might be secretly filming you!  And curry enthusiasts, who have a dozen different types of spice and always have a new curry stewing in the pot, are probably a bit of a bother to live with. 

The name of the podcast is “Over the Sun,” in case you would like to hear about the three ‘C’s you must avoid when dating men (in Japanese). 

I liked the idea of giving dating warnings by letter.  So I will start with some warnings about the three ‘A’s of women you should avoid dating, in my experience.

 

1 – Astrology believers 

“I never liked her anyway, because she is a Libra, and, of course, I don’t get on with Libras.” 

Leave before your house fills up with healing crystals and the smell of incense.  You cannot reason with someone who believes in magic.

 

2 – Always prattling 

“You’ll never guess what happened at work today – Jenny, that’s the new girl, ate three cookies, and these were chocolate cookies, which are my favourite – you know when you open one packet, you’re already thinking about opening another – and anyway…” 

My ears are tired just thinking about it.  Never date someone who talks without using full stops.

 

3 – Anime geeks

“Before coming to the bedroom, Darling, could you put on your ninja costume.  I’ll just go and get my cat ears.” 

Actually, to be honest, I could probably live with this problem.  But living with an anime geek may involve a lot of hard work doing cosplay and searching for rare plastic figurines in Akihabara.

 

Other ‘A’s to be careful of include “Ant keepers,” “Acroyoga addicts,” and “Axe throwers.”

 

Vocabulary:

an enthusiast – someone who gets very excited or enthusiastic about one hobby or activity

an influencer – someone, often on Youtube or TikTok, who makes money by attracting followers on a social media platform

to prattle – to talk at length about unimportant or irrelevant topics or details

a figurine – a small model representing a character, person, animal, etc

 

Essential Tip for Hakon Travel: Bring a Towel －箱根旅行のための大切な助言 ～タオルを持って行って－

A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have.  Partly it has great practical value: You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across [a cold moon]; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded [beach planet], inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep on it underneath the stars which shine so redly on [a desert planet]; you can use it to sail a mini-raft down [a slow river]; you can wet it to fight hand-to-hand combat; you can wrap it around your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of [a monster]…; you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems clean enough.

(from “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, by Douglas Adams)

 

I have just come back to Tokyo from a two night stay in Hakone. 

We took a cable car up the volcano to a viewing platform, where visitors could look out at a vent which was releasing steam from under the surface of the Earth.  The air smelled of sulphur, and the steam hissed like a giant kettle. 

Before we got on the cable car going up the volcano, we were all handed a wet towel as a safety precaution.  “In the event of a release of poisonous gas from the volcano,” we were told, “Hold the wet towel in front of your face.” 

I couldn’t help but laugh at the idea that a little wet towel could protect me from the power of an erupting volcano!  Imagine the people at Pompeii saying to each other, “Quick – cover your face with a towel!” 

But a towel was very useful when we took a hot footbath in a large park.  Douglas Adams was right.  The first thing a traveller must pack is his towel.

 

Vocabulary:

interstellar – between the stars

to bound – to leap or jump

to inhale – to breathe in

vapor – a cloud of material hanging in the air

noxious fumes – poisonous gas or vapor

a distress signal – a sign asking for help

a vent – in a volcano, a long tunnel-like exit from which steam or other material emerges