Please Write your Answers on the Blank Sheet Provided －配られた白紙に回答を書いてください－

There was a story from Korea this week which makes even Japan’s education system seem reasonable and easy going in comparison. 

Korea’s college entrance exams are notoriously tough.  The students have to sit for eight hours in a single day, being tested in a range of subjects. 

At one testing site, an examiner misread the clock and rang the bell to end the Korean language part of the examination 90 seconds early.  The students noticed the error and complained bitterly at the time, but the error could not be fully corrected.  Some students were apparently so furious and disturbed by the error that they gave up taking the rest of their examinations and went home.  More than thirty students are now suing the examination board for thousands of dollars in compensation each. 

I sympathise with the young people taking the exams, who were pressured by society to treat these exams as the most important event in their lives.  No wonder they felt so cheated by the loss of 90 seconds.  You could quickly scan your paper and correct several errors in that time. 

But how can the education system have gone so badly wrong in Korea that the loss of 90 seconds would make some students give up and go home?  This is hardly good preparation for later life.  Life is full of unfairness and unforseen problems.  If you have a 90 second argument with your husband or wife, should you give up on the relationship and storm out in disgust? 

What is school preparing these students for?  Life is not an examination.  What situation they face later in life will be similar to a marathon eight hour cycle of questions? 

Shouldn’t Korean schools be spending less time drilling facts into students’ brains, and more time teaching them how to build strong relationships, and how to find happiness in a stressful world? 

I’m not the Rogue that I Used to Be —僕はもうかつてのような悪党ではない—

I have a bad cold and a fever today.  So I’ll keep my blog simple. 

These are the lyrics to one of my favourite songs, by an English band called the Kinks. 

The narrator has seduced a sweet girl called Genevieve, and hurt her.  But now he has realised that he loves her and asks for her forgiveness, and a second chance.  Would you put your trust in him?

 

“Sweet Lady Genevieve,” by the Kinks:

“Once under a scarlet sky,

I told you never ending lies.

But they were the words of a drunken vagabond,

Who knew very well he would break your heart before long.

Oh, forgive me, Genevieve.

 

Now I’ve come back to see,

Sweet Lady Genevieve.

This time I’ll give you some security,

And I will make promises I can keep,

So will you come back to me,

Sweet Lady Genevieve?

 

Let me rock you, hold you, take you in my arms,

Forgive me please;

Smile away all your sadness; put your trust in me.

 

Oh, if you come back to me,

Sweet Lady Genevieve -

I’m not the impetuous fool that you used to know.

I know that I used you and I hurt you so;

But that was so long ago,

Sweet Lady Genevieve.

 

Oh, love me, take me in your arms.

Let me rock you, hold you.

Smile away all your sadness; put your trust in me.

 

Once under a starry sky,

I led you on and told you lies.

[I] drank too much whisky on that hot summer night,

I acted so slyly because you were acting so shy.

Oh, forgive me, Genevieve.

 

Sweet Lady Genevieve -

You’re not the child who smiled so innocently;

And I’m not the rogue that I used to be.

So will you come back to me,

Sweet Lady Genevieve?

 

Oh, Genevieve, oh, Genevieve.” 

 

Vocabulary:

to seduce someone – to entice someone into sexual activity

scarlet – of a brilliant red colour

a vagabond – a person who wanders from place to place without a home or job; a tramp

to be impetuous – to act quickly without thought or care

to lead someone on – to mislead or deceive someone, especially into believing that one is in love with or attracted to them

to act slyly – to behave in a cunning and deceitful way

a rogue – a dishonest and dishonourable person

 

A Day-mare Cold —悪昼夢の風邪—

It is getting into winter and the season of colds.  My family and I have been coughing for weeks, unable to finally get rid of a persistent cold.  But things are not as bad as they might be. 

In the 19^th century, a writer called Charles Lamb wrote a letter to a friend to complain about a cold he was suffering.  His cold was so bad that he described it not as a nightmare, but as a “day-mare.”  Here is what he had to say in his letter, which I have edited to make simpler. 

* 

Dear friend, 

Do you know what it is to suffer a day-mare?  It is a lack of desire to do anything or to be anything.  It is a total deadness and distaste.  It is a suspension of vitality.  It is an indifference to where I am.  It is a numb, good-for-nothing feeling.  It is a feeling of my body hardening all over.  It is an oyster-like insensibility to what is happening around me. 

Did you ever have a very bad cold?  This has been for many weeks my fate and my excuse. My fingers drag heavily over this paper, and to my thinking it is three miles from here to the end of this page.  I have not a thing to say.  I am flatter than a pancake.  I am duller than a theatre stage when the actors are off it.  I acknowledge life at all only by an occasional cough and a permanent pain in the chest.  I am weary of the world; life is weary of me.  My day is gone into twilight, and I don't think it worth the expense of candles.  I can't distinguish veal from mutton; nothing interests me.  If you told me the world will be at an end tomorrow, I should just say, "Will it?" 

My brains are gone out to see a poor relative, and they did not say when they'd come back again.  My skull is a cheap attic to let, without a stool left in it.  My hand writes, not I, from habit, as chickens run about a little when their heads are off.  Oh, if only I could have a toothache, an insect in my ear, a fly in my eye instead! 

Did you ever have an obstinate cold, a six or seven weeks' unintermitting chill and suspension of hope, fear, conscience and everything? 

Charles Lamb

 

Nobita —のび太—

My son is a Nobita type of elementary school student.  If the Doraemon manga series accurately portrays human characters, then some people are like Takeshi “Gian” – aggressive, intimidating and vengeful.  Some are like Suneo – proud, spoiled and cunning.  Some are like Shizuka – kind, sweet and innocent.  And some are like Nobita – absent-minded and cowardly, yet kind-hearted. 

My wife had planned to cook pasta for dinner two nights ago.  Then my son came home in a panic.  One of the girls in his class was in charge of some art project at school, and wanted everyone to bring in two empty cup noodle pots to paint, by the next day. 

“We don’t have any empty cup noodle pots.  Can’t it wait until next week?” I said. 

“Daddy, she wants them for tomorrow,” said Nobita.  “And she’s really scary when she is angry.” 

So the pasta was cancelled, and my wife and I had cup noodles and salad for dinner instead. 

“And what did you make with the cup noodle pots?” we asked him the next day. 

“Oh, we didn’t use them,” said Nobita.  “She changed her mind.”

 

Vocabulary:

intimidating – having a frightening or threatening effect [eg., “He is a boxer, and so most people find him physically intimidating.”]

vengeful – seeking to take revenge for a perceived injury [eg., “The vengeful ex-prisoner tried to find the man who put him into prison, to punish him for his actions.”]

spoiled – of a person, especially a child: having a bad character due to being treated too leniently or over-indulged [eg., “That rich kid gets everything he wants from his parents.  And he’s become such a spoiled brat.”]

absent-minded – lacking concentration; tending to daydream [eg., “You forgot to bring home your school bag again?  Don’t be so absent-minded!]

cowardly – lacking in bravery [eg., “The cowardly man ran away from the fight.”]

You Dirty Rats —このドブネズミ野郎—

According to the BBC, the Australian state of Queensland has been battling a plague of rats and mice for months. 

They are moving in large numbers from inland areas to the coast in search of food.  Many die before reaching the coast, and so piles of rats have been washing up on riverbanks along the route. 

One local resident was quoted as saying, “Mate, there are rats everywhere.” 

It doesn’t sound good.  Are rats on course to challenge humans for dominance of the world?  Here are the thoughts of some writers on the subject of rats:

 "Sir?" 

"Hey?" said Gavroche again. 

"Why don't you have a cat?" 

"I did have one," replied Gavroche, "I brought one here, but [the rats] ate

her."

From “Les Miserables” by Victor Hugo 

*

A few rats versus a cat makes for a happy cat.  A plague of rats versus a cat makes for a cat buffet. 

“The rat gave birth. Six little ones...cute baby rats... None of them are like Hitler.”

From “The Push Man and Other Stories” by Yoshihiro Tatsumi 

*

At least rats aren’t evil.  Are they really such a problem? 

“You want proof evolution is for real, don’t waste your time with fossils; just check out the New York City rat. They started out as immigrants, stowaways in some ship’s cargo hold. Only the survivors got to breed, and they’ve been improving with every new

litter. Smarter, faster, stronger. Getting ready to rule. Manhattan wouldn’t be the first island they took over.”

From “Another Life” by Andrew Vachss 

*

Yes.  Fear the rats.

 “One night, in the warehouse of a grocery chain, I saw some egg-stealing rats at work. They worked in pairs. A small rat would straddle an egg and clutch it in his four paws. When he got a good grip on it, he'd roll over on his back. Then a bigger rat would grab him by the tail and drag him across the floor to a hole in the baseboard, a hole leading to a burrow.”

From “Writing New York: A Literary Anthology” by Joseph Mitchell 

*

They’re smarter than you think.

 

Building a Path to Heaven －天国までの道を作ること

It occurred to me today that God is in the construction business.  “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.” 

So maybe our image of what God is and what God wants from us has been wrong.  Imagine God with a hard hat on his head, a cigarette between his lips, a high visibility jacket over his work clothes, and his hands shovelling ingredients into a mixer.  He is watching the mixing process carefully, making sure that it is just the right consistency to make a new universe. 

With this view of the creator deity, what would be required to get into heaven? 

After his heart attack, the priest steps up to the holy gates.  A rough looking angel puts down a can of grease he has been using to oil the holy hinges. 

“Ho there, mate,” says the angel.  “Where do you think you’re going?” 

The priest turns away from the gates to heaven nervously.  “Am I not able to enter?” he asks.  “I have always tried to live a good life, sitting in quiet contemplation of God.” 

“You can’t get in till you pass the test first,” says the angel. 

The priest starts thinking furiously.  I never killed anyone.  I think I loved my neighbor, didn’t I?  I led a quiet life, full of prayers every day.  Won’t that make God happy? 

The angel hands over an exam paper, and the priest scans down the list of questions. 

Q1 - What have you built to add to the universe? Q2 -  Did you leave God’s universe as neat and tidy as you found it.  Q3 - How many sick days did you take off?  Q4 - How dirty and scratched have your hands become? 

“Oh, bugger,” thinks the priest.

 

Double Meanings －ダブル・ミーニング－

1 - Why did a small European republic order a second helping of Christmas pudding?

Because it was Hungary. 

2 - Why does Santa always keep an umbrella in his sleigh? 

Because of all the rain, dear.

 

Those were two examples of the sort of puns you might find in a Christmas cracker.  A pun is a kind of joke which uses the fact that one sound or word can have two different meanings, or can be very similar to another word.  This gives the joke a double meaning. 

Since this is a blog for non-native speakers of English, I will spell out the double meanings in my simple puns.  “Hungary” sounds like “hungry” in the first one.  And “rain, dear” sounds like “reindeer” in the second. 

In Britain, we have a tradition of pulling crackers at Christmas with our families, which break apart with a little bang.  There is often a colourful paper party hat inside, and a Christmas themed pun.  They are not meant to be hilariously funny.  They are simple so that everyone in the family, including children and idiots can understand them. 

I read a news story today about an unfortunate and accidental pun which caused trouble in an Australian supermarket.  The supermarket wanted to encourage customers to eat ham instead of turkey or chicken for Christmas.  So they prepared a Christmas themed meal pack of ham, and wrote on the front, “Merry Ham-mas!” 

The Australian Jewish Association “politely suggested that it be removed from sale because of the unintentional likeness to Hamas, which is a proscribed terrorist group in Australia.”

 

Vocabulary:

to be proscribed – to be forbidden by law; to be illegal

 

Trial by Apple －林檎による審理－

You believe you have found a witch, but you cannot be completely sure. 

Perhaps your crops have failed.  Perhaps an ugly wart has grown on your face.  You think that the old woman living at the edge of town is putting curses on you.  Whatever the reason for your suspicions, you need a way to test whether that old woman is a witch or not. 

So here is what you do: 

You tie the woman’s hands behind her back and throw her into a river.  If she somehow manages to float to the surface, then she must be a witch.  How else could she have escaped but with the Devil’s assistance?  Burn her! 

If, instead, she sinks to the bottom then she was not a witch after all.  Good for her.  She is probably dead, but at least her soul is now in heaven. 

This trial by water was really used in 16^th and 17^th century Europe to find witches.  It seems pretty unfair on the suspect, who either drowned or was burned to death at the stake. 

To remember this awful trial, at Halloween we play a game with children called ducking for apples.  We float some apples in a bucket of water.  Without using their hands, the children have to put their face into the bucket and pick an apple out with their teeth.  I did it this year with my son.  Last year he couldn’t do it without help.  This year he succeeded at last.  I knew it – he is a witch!

 

Vocabulary:

crops – plants or vegetables grown by farmers

a wart – a small, hard growth on the skin, caused by a virus

 

A Robot Philosopher

I recently read a letter written by the science-fiction writer Ray Bradbury in the 1970s to his friend.  Bradbury’s friend expressed a fear of robots turning against humanity and the dangers they posed.  Bradbury wrote a lovely response in defence of robotkind. 

At the end of his letter, he wrote: 

P.S. [I] can’t resist commenting on [your] fears of the Disney robots. Why aren’t you afraid of books, then? The fact is, of course, that people have been afraid of books, down through history. They are extensions of people, not people themselves. Any machine, any robot, is the sum total of the ways we use it. Why not knock down all robot camera devices and the means for reproducing the stuff that goes into such devices, things called projectors in theatres? A motion picture projector is a non-humanoid robot which repeats truths which we inject into it. Is it inhuman? Yes. Does it project human truths to humanize us more often than not? Yes.

The excuse could be made that we should burn all books because some books are dreadful.

We should mash all cars because some cars get in accidents because of the people driving them.

We should burn down all the theatres in the world because some films are trash, drivel.

So it is finally with the robots you say you fear. Why fear something? Why not create with it? Why not build robot teachers to help out in schools where teaching certain subjects is a bore for EVERYONE? Why not have Plato sitting in your Greek Class answering jolly questions about his Republic? I would love to experiment with that. I am not afraid of robots. I am afraid of people, people, people. I want them to remain human. I can help keep them human with the wise and lovely use of books, films, robots, and my own mind, hands, and heart.

I am afraid of Catholics killing Protestants and vice versa.

I am afraid of whites killing blacks and vice versa.

I am afraid of English killing Irish and vice versa.

I am afraid of young killing old and vice versa.

I am afraid of Communists killing Capitalists and vice versa.

But…robots? God, I love them. I will use them humanely to teach all of the above. My voice will speak out of them, and it will be a damned nice voice. 

* 

And that is the end of Bradbury’s letter.  It is very beautiful. 

Of course, when the end of the world comes, you are not likely to see an army of books marching down the street, with guns in their hands.  But it is not impossible to imagine an army of robots marching down the street with guns in their hands.  I don’t think all books, or all robots, should be banned.  But a book with instructions for how to build a nuclear bomb should be banned, as should the kind of robots that can carry guns.

 

Vocabulary:

P.S. – This stands for “post script”.  It is used to add some additional writing after the end of a letter

a humanoid – Something which is not human, but which has the basic body shape of a human

[eg., In the Lord of the Rings story, some humanoid races, such as goblins, elves and dwarves appear.]

to humanize someone or something – to give someone more of the good, moral, or civilized aspects of human feeling

[eg. Prisons should not be dirty and violent places.  We need to spend time and money humanizing the prison system, if it is to help the people inside it.]

Drivel – nonsense

[eg. Don’t talk such drivel.]

vice versa – and the other way round

[eg. “The young killing the old and vice versa” means, “The young killing the old and the old killing the young.]

 

A Heavy Name to Wear －着るには重い名前－

I have been reading a collection of interesting letters, collected from various places and periods of history.  The collection is called “Letters of Note.”  One of the letters was from William Patrick Hitler, and was written to Franklin D. Roosevelt.  William Patrick was the half-nephew of Adolf Hitler.  He was born in Liverpool, and had moved to Germany to try to make money out of his half-uncle’s rise to become dictator of the country in the 1930s.  But he became dissatisfied with the jobs he was offered in Hitler’s Germany, and returned to Britain in 1939. He was visiting America to give a lecture tour when the war started, and was stuck in the country.  After the United States declared war on Germany, he decided to join the U.S. armed forces to help in the war, but was refused because he was not yet a full American citizen.  In this letter, he appeals to the American president for help in enabling him to join the U.S. armed forces.  He was able to do this successfully in 1944.  William Patrick Hitler later changed his name to William Stuart-Houston.  He died in 1987, having settled in America.  None of his four children had children of their own, and the line of the Liverpool Hitlers no longer survives. 

Here is an extract from his letter to the U.S. president: 

Dear Mr. President:

May I take the liberty of encroaching on your valuable time and that of your staff at the White House? Mindful of the critical days the nation is now passing through, I do so only because the prerogative of your high office alone can decide my difficult and singular situation.

Permit me to outline as briefly as possible the circumstances of my position, the solution of which I feel could so easily be achieved should you feel moved to give your kind intercession and decision.

I am the nephew and only descendant of the ill-famed Chancellor and Leader of Germany who today so despotically seeks to enslave the free and Christian peoples of the globe.

Under your masterful leadership men of all creeds and nationalities are waging desperate war to determine, in the last analysis, whether they shall finally serve and live an ethical society under God or become enslaved by a devilish and pagan regime.

Everybody in the world today must answer to himself which cause they will serve. To free people of deep religious feeling there can be but one answer and one choice, that will sustain them always and to the bitter end.

I am one of many, but I can render service to this great cause and I have a life to give that it may, with the help of all, triumph in the end.

All my relatives and friends soon will be marching for freedom and decency under the Stars and Stripes. For this reason, Mr. President, I am respectfully submitting this petition to you to enquire as to whether I may be allowed to join them in their struggle against tyranny and oppression?

 

Vocabulary:

to encroach – to inappropriately enter or limit something, such as a person’s territory or rights or liberty

(eg. “A Soviet spy plane encroached into our air space, and we sent a plane to intercept it.”)

a perogative – a very special right, power or privilege, not shared by most people

(eg, “In the Roman Empire, it was the perogative of the Emperor to wear the colour purple.”)

singular – remarkable or extraordinary

(eg. “He had the singular good fortune to survive four years of fighting in the First World War trenches.”)

an intercession – an act of becoming involved, or the use of one’s authority, to help someone

(eg. “When the bank was in financial trouble, it was saved through the intercession of government ministers.”)

a creed – a system of beliefs which guide one’s actions

(eg “That terrorist group follows a dangerous creed.”

a petition – a formal written request appealing to an authority

(eg. “The campaign for nuclear disarmament presented a petition to the government, signed by hundreds of thousands of people.”)

 

It’s not about winning, it’s about taking part －勝つことではなく、参加すること－

How much do you care about winning if you take part in some sport?  Would you dive in the box to win a penalty for your team?  Would you pretend to be injured in order to get an opponent sent off?  Or do you think such cynical tactics are missing the point of sport: the simple joy of the game, whether you win or lose? 

The more professional a sport is, the more likely the athletes are to take the cynical view.  Amateurs are more likely to play for the love of the game.

But maybe some amateurs take a relaxed attitude to winning and losing a little bit too far. 

Last week in the north of Scotland, there was a football match between two teams in the amateur Scottish Cup.  One team beat the other 51 – 0.  In a ninety minute match, one team somehow managed to concede 51 goals.  That’s more than one goal every two minutes. 

Apparently, some players in the team failed to turn up due to work commitments or illness.  So only eight players were available to start the match.  Instead of abandoning the match, they decided to play with three men fewer than the opposition.  Their regular goalkeeper was missing, so an outfield player volunteered to play in goals. 

The half-time score was “about 25 – 0.”  There had been so many goals scored that nobody was quite sure if they had remembered all of the goals.

What was the losing manager’s half-time team talk?  Probably, “It’s not about winning, it’s about taking part.”  Maybe he also said, “I’ll be happy if you do just a little better in the second half, and don’t lose as many as 25 gols.” 

Never mind.  There’s always the next game.

 

Dragons and Princesses of the Mind －心の竜とお姫様たち－

I recently read a short book by Rainer Maria Rilke.  He was a German language poet in the late 19th and early 20th centuries.  In these published letters to a younger poet, he gives advice on life’s problems, and what attitude to take to them. 

Here are some quotations from the book, “Letters to a Young Poet,” and my thoughts on them. 

1

“How should we be able to forget those ancient myths that are at the beginning of all peoples, the myths about dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses; perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us. 

So you must not be frightened if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen; if a restiveness, like light and cloudshadows, passes over your hands and over all you do. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any miseries, or any depressions? For after all, you do not know what work these conditions are doing inside you.” 

Rilke seems to be saying that sadness, anxiety, or uncomfortable feelings are not necessarily something to fear.  They may be a sign of change inside you, which will lead to something positive.  So instead of trying to shut these feelings out, we should accept them and let them change us in a positive way. 

2

“Dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away... and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast.... be happy about your growth, in which of course you can't take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don't torment them with your doubts and don't frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn't be able to comprehend.” 

For Rilke, loneliness, and feelings of distance from other people, are natural and necessary.  Humans will never fully be able to understand other people, and we should not expect that.  We need our own space to fully grow as individuals, and loneliness is the natural cost of this growth. 

3

“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.” 

For Rilke, marriage is a positive thing, and a source of happiness.  But people should not lose their individuality, or lose the possibility of personal growth, by becoming too closely involved with the life of their husband or wife. 

4

“If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself, tell yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches; for to the creator there is no poverty and no poor indifferent place.” 

Stop whining and complaining.  If you choose to, you can turn even a hell into a heaven, by thinking about it differently. 

* 

It’s a hard task to live up to the expectations of philosophers and poets.

 

Vocabulary:

restiveness – a feeling of being unable to stay still, especially because you are bored or unsatisfied; or a feeling of not wanting to be controlled by others

(eg., On a rainy day, I sat inside and tried to read a book.  But a feeling of restiveness made me get up and pace around the house.)

to torment someone – to cause someone severe mental or physical suffering

(eg., He was tormented by the bullies at his school.)

to hem something in – to surround something closely, so that its freedom of movement is limited

(eg., My parked car was hemmed in by cars on either side, and it was difficult to drive out of the parking space.)

 

Language bursting to get out －必死に爆発しようとする言語－

I recently heard about a man from Osaka who is living in Tokyo, and finding it stressful to be away from his home. 

“My colleagues are all from Tokyo, and I can’t speak in Osaka dialect,” he says.  “It makes me feel really irritated.  I want to speak my native Osaka dialect so much that I feel I could burst!” 

I kind of understand how he feels.  I can speak Japanese pretty well, but not perfectly.  I might think of a joke, or try to be ironic.  But the humour or irony doesn’t always get across when I try it in Japanese. 

I do speak English regularly, but generally to non-native speakers.  Then I can express myself freely, except that the other person may not understand something subtle or complex. 

I’ll try not to burst like an overly pressured balloon.  Here are some nice English words and phrases I wanted to use or share recently, but couldn’t: 

I’m flabbergasted.

(I am overcome with surprise and bewilderment.)

eg. “When my fifty year old mother told me that she was pregnant again, I was flabbergasted.”

 

A joke that I heard recently:

What do you win as a prize for surviving into old age?

Atrophy.

(Atrophy is the wasting away of the body.  But it looks and sounds a bit like “a trophy”, as in a cup you might win as a prize.)

eg. “Astronauts must exercise every day while they are in space or else their muscles will suffer atrophy.”

 

 

Yada Man －ヤダ・マン－

After Superman’s messy divorce from Louis Lane, he got drunk one night before flying to the scene of a crime.  He flew into a building.  He currently has no license to fly or carry a lethal weapon (his laser eyes).  So he goes to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and is currently unavailable for crime-fighting duties.

Batman has come down with a high fever, and has lost his sense of taste and sense of smell.  He is also unavailable for duty.

Wonderwoman is currently in dispute with the government over her sexual discrimination claim.  Her lawyer says that she wants equal pay with male superheroes, and she doesn’t see why she has to fight crime in a sexy miniskirt uniform.  She is currently unavailable for duty.

So the government have turned to a new superhero for help: Yada Man!

Yada Man’s superpower is to forcefully say “Yada!” to any possible threat or unknown situation.  “Yada” is a Japanese phrase, which could mean “It’s no good,” or “It’s unacceptable,” or “No way!” in English. 

“Give me one billion Dollars, or I’ll blow up Tokyo!” says the supervillain. 

“Yada!” 

“I have stolen a nuclear bomb, and there’s nothing you can do about it,” laughs the criminal mastermind. 

“Yada!” 

“We have come to take over your planet.  Take us to your leader,” say the aliens. 

“Yada!” 

Yada Man is so annoying that villains cannot bear it, and they quickly surrender to his power. 

* 

I imagined the superhero Yada Man when spending an afternoon listening to my son in a bad mood. 

“Where shall we go for lunch?  How about the Chinese restaurant?” 

“Yada!” 

“Let’s read a book.” 

“Yada!” 

“Why don’t you finish your homework now.  Then you won’t have to do it later.” 

“Yada!”

 

A Deal with the Devil －悪魔との取引—

I have been reading an interesting science-fiction series called “Hyperion” recently.  The novels are set in the future, when humans are able to travel deep into space and begin colonising alien worlds.  On one world, the humans find an alien life form which can enter a human’s body and live inside it, keeping the body healthy.  But in order to have this alien implanted, the person must agree to join a particular church, and follow its rules and orders.  In other words, you can have eternal life, but you must give up your soul. 

It reminded me of the story of Faust, who sold his soul to the Devil in order to gain power and knowledge while he was alive. 

In case you are ever asked to make a deal with the Devil, here are some quotes about the topic: 

“Faustus: Stay, Mephistopheles, and tell me, what good will my soul do [your lord, the Devil]?

Mephistopheles: Enlarge his kingdom.

Faustus: Is that the reason he tempts us [to sell him our souls]?

Mephistopheles: It is a comfort to the wretched to have companions in misery.”

From the Christopher Marlow play, “Doctor Faustus” (1592)

 

“The Devil: I've nurtured every sensation man's been inspired to have. I cared about what he wanted and I never judged him. Why? Because I never rejected him. In spite of all his imperfections, I'm a fan of man! I'm a humanist. Maybe the last humanist.”

From the film, “The Devil’s Advocate” (1997)

 

“You obviously don’t have my soul, or you wouldn’t be trying to make deals.”

From “Another Faust” by Daniel Nayeri

“In all those stories about people who sold their souls to the devil, I never quite understood why the devil was the bad guy, or why it was okay to screw him out of his soul. They got what they wanted: fame, money, love, whatever—though usually it turned out not to be what they really wanted or expected. Was that the devil's fault? I never thought so. Like John Wayne said, "Life's tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid.”

From “The Never-Open Desert Diner” by James Anderson

 

Children on a Plane! —キッズ・フライト－

“Enough is enough!  I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!”

From the movie, “Snakes on a Plane”, television edit 

“Everybody listen up!  We have to put a barrier between us and the snakes!”

From the movie, “Snakes on a plane”

 

In the news this week it was revealed that the airline industry has come up with a new way to attract passengers: keep them away from children.  AirAsia, a budget airline, offers a “quiet zone” for adult passengers, in which small children are not allowed. 

Research in Britain suggests that one third of U.K. passengers would consider paying extra money for a flight in which they were guaranteed not to be sitting near young children. 

I can understand how annoying it is to be seated near a screaming child when you are stuck in a small cabin for ten hours.  But there are always earphones and earplugs available.  Children should be expected to be in public spaces like aeroplanes, and not be seen as an imposition.  Isn’t this modern individualism gone too far?  People are losing the ability to put up with a little inconvenience for the public good. 

If it is harder for families with children to book seats on a flight because there are zones on the plane in which they are banned, isn’t that unfair discrimination?  Maybe some travellers would rather not sit near fat people, or elderly and infirm people.  Will planes also have thin zones and healthy zones, to keep out the overweight, or old? 

Somehow this story made me think of the movie in which airline passengers are forced to share a plane with a bunch of poisonous snakes.  I would pay extra for a snake free zone on a flight.

Fierce Creatures —危険生物—

“Daddy,” begins my son, “Do you think that a giraffe is a nice animal, or a dangerous one?” 

“I suppose they are nice,” I say.  “They are herbivores – They eat only plants, not meat.” 

“No Daddy, you are wrong,” says my son.  “Giraffes have a powerful kick, and are very dangerous.  It says so in my book.” 

My son had his seventh birthday recently, and he was given a reference book about dangerous animals as a birthday present.  He now spends a lot of his time reading about scorpions, jellyfish, snakes, and bees. 

We were initially pleased that he had found something which caught his interest.  But I fear that his interest in dangerous creatures is becoming a problem. 

We stayed overnight in a hotel in Tateyama this week, and took our son to the beach.  The last time we took him to the beach, he was incredibly excited, and ran in the water happily, looking for seaweed and interesting shells. 

This time he refused to go into the water. 

“Do you know that there are many kinds of dangerous jellyfish that live in the waters around Japan?” he said. 

“Okay,” I said.  “We’ll keep our waterproof sandals on when we wade into the water,” I said. 

“But what about the urchins with poisonous spines?  They are so sharp that they will cut through our sandals.” 

It took a lot of persuading to get my son into the water.  I didn’t tell him about the recent release of radioactive water into the sea a little further north. 

Later, in the hotel hot spring, my son shouted in panic.  “A wasp, a wasp!  It will sting us!” 

It was a fly. 

Next year we will buy our son a book about a safer topic.  The world of kittens?