A modest 5-point plan for self improvement in 2017 －2017年の自己改善に向けた控えめな5項目プラン－

At New Year it is customary to make resolutions.  These are promises you make to yourself, for the purpose of self improvement.

To make sure I stick to my resolutions, I have decided to write them down here.  That way, if anybody sees that I am failing to stick to them, they can make me re-read my blog and force me to try harder.

Here are my five modest resolutions.

1

Eat more chocolate

I like my dentist.  His eyes light up when he talks about teeth.  Sometimes when he’s explaining some procedure he wants to do, he pulls out a model of a man’s skull, with jaws and teeth, and runs his fingers over it in excitement.

If I’m going to see more of him next year, I’m going to have to eat more sugar.

2

Put away that exercise bike

Who have I been trying to fool?  That exercise bike just sits in the corner.  And sometimes I bump into it if I’m going somewhere useful, like to the drinks cabinet. 

3

Start smoking cigars again

Now that I have a young son, it is important that he knows how harmful smoking is.  I had better start again, so that he can see me coughing.

4

Study Japanese less

Nobody likes a swot.

5

Put on weight

It would make my wife feel much better.  Every day she would look at me and feel slim.  I would have to put on an awful lot of weight though... 

Vocabulary:

to stick to – of a plan, promise etc., to persevere; to continue as originally planned

for one’s eyes to light up – for someone to show their excitement in their expression

to fool (someone) – to make someone believe in a lie

a cigar – a kind of rolled up tobacco, which is bigger than a cigarette, and which is not directly inhaled when smoked

a swot – a slang term for someone who studies too much; a teacher’s pet

 

Notorious Nicholas “Claws” and What a baby wants from Christmas －悪名高きニコラス・クローズ（かぎ爪）、それから赤ちゃんはクリスマスに何がほしいか－

Honest citizens, beware!

The notorious super-villain Nicholas “Claws” is active again.  Police say he is planning to break into honest folks’ homes by climbing down their chimney.

Like an evil Superman, he always commits crime dressed in bright red pyjamas.  He is said to have a team of flying reindeer pulling a sleigh as a getaway vehicle.  Neighbourhood watch schemes are urged to make a list of good, reliable boys and girls to watch the skies for the villain.  They should not go unarmed, so we suggest giving them a large sock or stocking filled with heavy objects to use as a weapon.

A former victim, Mr. B. Crosby, says he is praying for snow, so that his roof is too slippery to climb on.  He also suggests wrapping your valuables in paper, so that Claws will not know what to grab.

Don’t be a victim!  Cover your house in lights and jingling alarm bells.  Keep some crackers ready to scare the reindeer.  And, above all, keep a warm fire going on the hearth.

**

Let’s take our minds off such criminal behaviour.  Christmas is supposed to be about celebrating the birth of a child.  So, in that spirit, we have arranged a second interview with BabyBoyE.  He is now four months old and our special technology has allowed us to translate his “Gwa-Waa-Hyuu” language into English.

Interviewer:
What would you like Santa to give you as a Christmas present? 

BabyBoyE:

What do you mean?  Who is this Santa?  What is a Christmas present? 

Interviewer:

Ah, I forgot.  It’s your first Christmas.  Santa is a kind of... magic person, who gives little children what they most want on one day of the year. 

BabyBoyE:
So you mean, like, I just have to say, “Give me milk now!” and this Santa will come running over and give me milk?

Interviewer:
Well, kind of.  But it’s not just milk he gives.

BabyBoyE:
So then, I shout something like, “Pick me up and give me a cuddle, or I’ll scream until the roof falls in!” and this Santa has to hurry over and give me a cuddle?

Interviewer:
Uhh... Sort of

BabyBoyE:
Well, I don’t think I’ll be needing anything like that. We’ve got a kind of Christmas system going on in our house all year round. And I already know two of those magic people.

**

Merry Christmas from me, BabyBoyE, and MagicMomma.



Vocabulary:

notorious – famous for behaving badly

a villain – the opposite of a hero; someone who does wrong or commits crime

a getaway vehicle – The vehicle – car, motorbike etc. – used by a criminal to escape after committing a crime

to urge – to strongly encourage

unarmed – not carrying a weapon

a hearth – a fireplace

a cuddle – a hug; the act of wrapping your arms around someone

Nursery school students falling off the escalator of life － 出世のエスカレーターから落ちるちびっ子 －

Wouldn’t it be nice if life were like an escalator?  You’d just get on at the bottom and it would carry you effortlessly upwards, ever upwards towards the top.

That seems to be the dream many parents have for their children.  To get a good job you need to go to a good university.  To go to a good university you have to go to a good high school.  To go to a good high school... you have to go to a good nursery school.  So you put all your effort into winning a place for your child at a good nursery school, and he or she will have their future secured.

Because many parents have the same idea, the elite nursery schools have to devise ways to pick out the best kids to give a place to.  You may need a letter of recommendation.  There may be an interview, where the staff judge the parents.  There may even be tests for the children themselves.

I’m not joking.  Someone told me recently about an elite cram school for nursery school age kids.  The school is supposed to help prepare the kids to become actors.  There is an interview and selection process where the most promising children are selected for the school.  The selection process can take place before the children are even two years old.

Can you really be a failure in life – losing your chance to get on the escalator that goes to the top – because you did something wrong when you were one year old?  What did you do wrong?  Did you wet your nappy, perhaps?  Did you try to put the square block into the round hole?  Or didn’t you have a cute enough smile?

And why should selection begin as late as one year old?  Why not weed out the bad kids earlier?  I imagine in ten years time, Japanese cram schools will be selecting the smartest students while they are still in their mothers’ wombs.

Tap, tap, tap!  The examiner strikes his fingers against the nervous mother’s belly.  He leans his head towards the bump.  “Now, Taro.  One kick for ’Yes’, two kicks for ‘No’.  Is Tokyo the capital of Japan?”

This week a group of British academics tried to convince the government to spend less effort teaching young people to be successful, and more effort teaching them to be happy.  They said that, whilst not having money or a good job can be a factor in making people unhappy, issues other than money are just as important.  These include having friends, being able to keep a long-term relationship, staying healthy, and feeling that society is fair.  So they argue that learning to make friends, eat healthily, play sports, and maintain relationships are just as important as learning to do maths or use a computer.  Maybe the super-competitive parents and super-competitive schools should remember that.

Or maybe I’m just jealous because I fell off the escalator when I was 1.  I just stared at the square block in confusion and then peed into the round hole. 

Vocabulary:

a nursery school – a school for young children, usually before the age of five

to secure – to guarantee; to make certain

to devise – to think of; to create

a cram school – a school for extra study after regular school has finished

promising – showing or having a bright future; being likely to do well

a nappy – British English for a diaper; something worn by young children and some adults who cannot use a toilet

to wet one’s nappy – to urinate into a nappy

to weed (someone or something) out – to remove the unwanted (someone or something) from the group

a womb – the part of a woman’s body where children stay until they are born

a bump – an area which sticks out from a flat surface

an academic – someone who researches or lectures at a university

competitive - having an environment where people try to get ahead of others

to pee – a childish way of saying to urinate

 

Showing a red light to the perfect map －完璧な地図に赤信号を送ること－

“The more accurate the map, the more it resembles the territory.  The most accurate map possible would be the territory, and thus would be perfectly accurate and perfectly useless.”

From “The Mapmaker”, a short story by Neil Gaiman, contained in the collection, “Fragile things”

A news story I read recently reminded me of a short story called “The Mapmaker” by one of my favourite authors, Neil Gaiman.

In the short story, the Chinese emperor turns a small island into a map of the whole of his lands.  The mountains and lakes are recreated in miniature.  This satisfies the emperor for only a year before he plans the building of a map on a much larger scale.  He plans to build a map which is one hundredth the size of his kingdom, where all the buildings and huts would be represented in miniature.  His advisor tries to convince him that it would cost too much.  Then the emperor reveals that this second map is just a stepping stone to the map he really dreams of, which would be accurate on a scale of one to one.  Every hut, tree and person would be represented actual size.  The advisor bows low and takes his leave.  And the emperor dies mysteriously in his sleep that night.

According to the news, some cities in Germany and Australia are experimenting with a radical change to the design of pedestrian traffic lights.  Traffic lights have traditionally been set in a high spot on top of a pole, so that people can see them from a distance.  The new traffic lights are instead set on the ground, at foot-level.

And what is the reason for setting the lights on the ground?  Are they for small children, perhaps?  Or for those elderly pedestrians with bent backs, whose faces are pointed towards the ground?

No, they are for ordinary pedestrians who are walking along whilst using their smartphones.  Some local governments have decided that since people cannot be stopped from looking at their phones and walking at the same time, something must be done.  Otherwise they will risk casually strolling into the middle of the road to be flattened by an oncoming truck.

What do people find so fascinating about their phones that they cannot stop themselves from indulging in this somewhat dangerous and rude behaviour?  There are many things they could be doing, of course.  But one of the main triggers for this behaviour is the checking of a map.  If you’re going to meet your friend at a restaurant you have never been to before, you don’t have to remember the directions, or look around you to find the restaurant.  You just input the address and GoogleMaps or some other site will lead you there with an on-line map.

In many city streets, GoogleMaps is now so accurate that you can see a “street view”, or what is basically a photograph of the street.  So the scale of the map has become one to one.  The emperor would now be able to live inside his dream one to one map-world.  That is what I imagine all of these pedestrians who are so engrossed in their smartphones must be doing.  Let them dream their beautiful dreams, and catch them with warning lights at their feet before they fall under the wheels of a truck.

Or... like the emperor who refused to give up his world of dreams to accept the real world around him, perhaps only an early death will stop them from gazing down on their dream world.

I bow deeply and take my leave. 

 

Vocabulary:

accurate – correct; containing correct detail

to resemble – to be similar to; to look like

a stepping stone – a stone placed in a stream to help someone cross; an intermediate stage between two points, helping one get to the second point

to take one’s leave – a formal phrase – to say goodbye; to depart

radical – very different from what has gone before

a pedestrian – someone walking

to indulge – to allow oneself to enjoy the pleasure of

a trigger – a cause

 

 

Why Britain should have more sympathy for Fidel －なぜイギリスがフィデルにもっと同情するべきか－

Fidel Castro, who led Cuba for decades after staging a socialist revolution in 1959, died last weekend.  Many world leaders will attend his funeral, but Britain is sending only a low level diplomat.  Britain does not want to show support for a country where some political opponents of the government are still in prison.

Even though Fidel made Cuba an ally of the Soviet Union, and was considered to be an enemy by the British government, I think we should show him more respect.

It’s hard to be a small island nation when your bigger and stronger neighbour is bitterly opposing you.

Things didn’t happen this way for Britain.  But let’s imagine for a moment that our history had been like this:

After a referendum vote, Britain declared a revolution to overthrow the corrupt leader Cameron who had been running the country.

But the European Union refused to accept the result.  They had been making lots of money trading with the old, corrupt regime whilst ordinary British people suffered.

So the EU began a total economic blockade of Britain.  They made it illegal for any country to trade with the small island nation, and put pressure on all their allies to do the same.

In desperation, Britain’s Prime Minister May declared that the revolution was Maoist, and made trade and military deals with China in order to protect the country.

But the EU gathered British citizens who had voted to remain in the EU, and gave them guns and training in Belgium.  They then sent an invasion force up the River Thames in an attempt to overthrow the new government.  But Teresa May, with great popular support, fought off the invasion.

So the EU then spent years trying to assassinate the Prime Minister May.  They made dozens of failed attempts to kill her, including a bizarre plot involving a pair of exploding high-heel shoes.

As I said, history wasn’t really like this for Britain.  But if it had been, don’t you think that Prime Minister May might also have put some political opponents in prison?  If the most powerful country in the world kept trying to assassinate me, I might become a bit paranoid too.

The history I have described, of course, is actually a slightly changed version of Fidel Castro’s relations with America.  The USA trained his Cuban political opponents, and launched a failed invasion of Cuba at the Bay of Pigs.  The CIA tried dozens of times to assassinate Castro, including a bizarre plot involving an exploding cigar.  Castro, who initially tried to avoid becoming an enemy of America, and who said that he was not a communist, was forced to turn to the Soviet Union for help.

I’m not saying that Britain has to agree with everything that Castro did.  But as a small island nation hoping to make a success of our mini-revolution, and hoping that the EU doesn’t punish us too severely for snubbing them, I think we might have a little more sympathy for someone who guided his small island through much tougher circumstances.

Farewell Fidel.

 

Vocabulary:

a decade – a period of 10 years

an ally – especially of countries, a friend

to bitterly oppose – to fight strongly or desperately against

corrupt – using illegal or unfair means to gain money or power

a regime – a government; a system of authority

an economic blockade – an attempt to stop all trade, especially in order to damage a country

Maoist – supportive of former Chinese revolutionary leader, Chairman Mao

to overthrow – especially of a government, to get rid of by force

to assassinate – especially of a political leader, to kill

bizarre – strange or unbelievable

a plot – a conspiracy; a secret plan

to snub someone – to deliberately ignore someone, or to deliberately cause offence

 

 

When the porridge is just right, don’t neglect to eat it all up －ちょうど良い温かさのときに、ポリッジを完食し損なわないように－

This porridge is too hot!” exclaimed Goldilocks.

So, she tasted the porridge from the second bowl.  “This porridge is too cold!”

So, she tasted the last bowl of porridge.  “Ahhh, this is just right,” she said happily.  And she ate it all up.

From the traditional fairy tale, “Goldilocks and the three bears

 

When does a person reach the Goldilocks time of life?  That is the time of life when your chair is neither too small nor too big, your porridge is neither too hot nor too cold, and your bed neither too hard nor too soft.

Is it perhaps around the time you graduate from high-school? You may be young and healthy.  You may have your first sweetheart.  You may see your life ahead as being full of opportunities.

Then again, you may be spotty and awkward.  Your sweetheart may have gotten into a better university and be about to leave you.  The future may seem so full of important choices that you are sure to get it all wrong.

Is the Goldilocks time then perhaps when you have found your life partner, but before you have kids?  You may have few financial worries, and be enjoying a double income.  You may have settled into a career and feel confident at work.  You may have many friends around you with time and money enough to keep you in good company.

Then again, you may not see any purpose or direction to your life.  You may be good at your job only because it is so repetitive, boring and lacking in responsibility.  You may look with envy on your friends, who all seem to be getting happily married or making a success of their lives, whilst you just stumble along confusedly.

Perhaps the Goldilocks time, if you can remain healthy, is the time of your retirement.  You may be financially secure.  You may be enjoying the peace of mind that comes from reduced responsibilities.  You may have a grandchild or two, and laugh as your kids struggle with the dirty nappies.

Then again, you may be scared to spend your money in case you have to pay for care as you get older.  All the free time and lack of responsibilities may simply feel like loneliness.  Your kids may be too busy with their own problems to bring the grandkids round as often as you’d like.

It’s hard to pick a perfect time of life.  There will always be things that could be better.  Each period of your life has its unique benefits and drawbacks.

But if there is a Goldilocks time, I can say with confidence that it comes somewhere between the ages of 3 months and 97 years.

Looking at my three month old son, I can’t help but notice how frustrating life must be for a baby.  Until you can walk and talk, it’s like living your whole life as a passenger on a budget flight.  Your entire experience can basically be reduced to three things: eating, sleeping, and going to the toilet.  And you need help from the surly flight attendants to do all of these things.

I have less experience of 97 year olds.  But I saw in the news today that a 97 year old Japanese Buddhist monk voluntarily gave up his driving license in order to encourage other older citizens to do the same.  The number of traffic accidents caused by elderly drivers has been increasing and there have been a number of campaigns aimed at getting them to stop driving.  I suppose people are reluctant to do so because it would be an admission that the Goldilocks time is over; that life is again becoming a flight on a budget airline, with surly attendants.

If you are reading this, then you must be in the Goldilocks time right now.  Go out and eat that porridge while it is still hot.  Eat it all up. 

Vocabulary:

porridge – a dish often eaten for breakfast in Britain, made of boiled oatmeal and hot water or milk

to eat something up – to eat something completely, so that nothing is left

spotty – of a person, having spots or small red marks on their skin

repetitive – involving the same thing over and over again

envy – jealousy; the feeling of wanting what another person has

a drawback – a disadvantage; a negative point

reluctant – unwilling; not wanting (to do )

surly – bad tempered or impolite 

Sure though thy feet, proud Britain, have a care. A female Prime Minister’s reign may see thee trip – beware! 汝の足が地に付いていようとも、誇り高き英国よ、気を付けよ。女性首相の統治下でつまづくかも知れぬ。－用心せよ！

“The number 73 will be your downfall.”
An oracle given at Delphi to Emperor Nero, who was later killed by a 73 year-old.

 “With silver spears you may conquer the world.”
An oracle given at Delphi to King Philip II of Macedon, who then controlled silver mines, using the money to bribe others and gain great power

 “Be kind to pigeons, for one day there will be a statue of you.”

The best fortune I have ever gotten in a Chinese fortune-cookie 

I sometimes envy fortune-tellers.  It seems like such an easy job.

You need to spend time making yourself look weird and in touch with mystical powers.  Then you give some vague predictions, which could never be proven untrue - it helps to say what the listener wants to hear.  Then you just advertise and wait for the gullible people to come to you.

It’s a bit like being a politician.  I heard a commentator describe Theresa May, Britain’s Prime Minister, as the “high priestess of Brexit”.

It was a clever and apt description.  He was suggesting that she was like the high priestess who interpreted the Oracle at Delphi.  In ancient Greece, the words of the god Apollo were supposed to be given to people who asked questions (and paid money), and the high priestess would interpret the god’s answer and present it to the world.

Whenever Theresa May faces difficult questions or opposition, she mentions the Brexit vote.  The trouble is, only she is allowed to interpret what it means.  We voted to leave the EU, but did we vote to have a close or a distant relationship with the EU once we leave?  Nobody is allowed to ask, because Theresa May is the high priestess of Brexit, and only she can interpret the vote’s meaning.

There are many famous examples of the Oracle at Delphi predicting the future, and that future coming true.

The Oracle predicted that the Roman Emperor Nero should beware the number 73.  He decided that this meant he would live until he was 73.  Instead, the man responsible for forcing his suicide at the age of 30 was 73 years old.

King Croesus of Lydia wanted to know if he should invade the great kingdom of Persia.  The Oracle told him, “If you attack Persia, you will destroy a mighty kingdom.”  He was delighted, attacked, and then was utterly defeated.  The mighty kingdom he destroyed was his own.

These examples, though, demonstrate the tricky nature of predictions.  If the prediction is unclear enough, you can always go back later and find a way to make it seem true.  If the man who was responsible for Nero’s death hadn’t been 73, then perhaps he would have walked 73 miles to get to him, or killed him 73 months after the prediction was made.  Or perhaps he would have had 73 coins in his pocket.

Using the Brexit vote as some kind of Oracle has the same problems.  It is easy to claim to know what the vote means (beyond the simple desire to leave the EU at the time the question was asked), but it is impossible to prove or disprove anything further.

Here’s another warning for Theresa May, or high priestesses, or fortune-tellers generally.  Be careful not to upset the client.  When the Oracle at Delphi criticised Emperor Nero for having killed his own mother (and warned him about 73), he had the high priestess taken out and burned alive.  And when Alexander the Great asked the Oracle if he would conquer the world and the Oracle refused to answer, he went into the temple, pulled the high priestess out by the hair and threatened her until she said, “You are invincible!”

I predicted that Britain would vote to remain in the EU, and that Donald Trump would lose the Presidential election.  If I’m going to succeed as a fortune-teller, I’m going to have to make my predictions a bit vaguer.  So I’ll start with this week’s blog title.  Notice the use of the word “may”.

Vocabulary:

have a care – Take care; be careful

one’s downfall – the end, death, defeat etc. of one

to bribe someone – to make corrupt payments to someone

weird – strange; supernatural

mystical – having a spiritual significance beyond human understanding

vague – unclear or poorly defined

gullible – easily fooled or tricked

apt – appropriate or fitting

utterly – totally; completely

tricky – difficult

invincible - unbeatable