ジャパンタイムズの記事 －ウィルのフジロックの経験

Going in blind to Japan's Fuji Rock Festival

I wrote an article this week which was published in the Japan Times, an English language newspaper.  So I thought I would share the link here instead of writing a new blog article.

It is an article about my trip to Fuji Rock with a friend a few years ago.  Never forget to bring a folding chair!

Please take a look.

Thanks!

Will

Dear English Diary 01 – Bumping Into a Beginning －拝啓、英語の日記 ～始まりにぶつかること－

Tuesday 16^th July, 2019

I have started a diary.  I read somewhere that if you are going to be a good diarist then you should imagine that you are writing a diary to another person, not yourself.  So I am going to imagine that I am writing this diary for Ren, my grandson.

You can’t even read Japanese now, let alone English.  But maybe one day you will read it to practice your English.

So here is a message for you, future Ren: When you came to my house last week, you took off your nappy and peed on the floor.  I hope that now you are old enough to read English, you are treating your poor grandmother better.

I have started studying English again.  My teacher is a nice young man from Scotland.  I bumped into him on the street.  Actually, he bumped into me.  That’s because he is blind.  I was talking with my friend, Haru – you should call her, “Mrs. Haruyama”, Ren.  But I call her Haru.  Her husband died last year, so I like to meet her and keep her company.  We were chatting on a street corner when suddenly I felt something hit my leg.  It was the white stick of a blind foreign man.

“Watch out!” shouted Haru.  I thought it was a silly thing to say, since he had already hit me.  Haru often says silly things.  I think it’s because she is a piano teacher.  When I was a little older than you are now, I had a piano teacher, and she often said silly things too, like, “You have the fingers of an elephant!”  Elephants don’t have fingers or, if they do, they are so small that I have never noticed them.

So I spoke to this foreigner and asked where he was going.  “Back to my English school,” he said.  That’s when I decided to study English again.  So I followed him to his English school and started taking lessons at Nerima English.

I’ll tell you more about it in my next diary entry.

Toyoda Chihiro

Nerima English student

Vocabulary:

a diarist – Someone who writes a diary

not A, let alone B – no A so certainly not B (which is harder, more difficult to imagine, etc.)

to pee – to urinate; to release water from the body (eg. Into a toilet)

to bump into someone – to meet someone; to hit someone accidentally

to keep someone company – to spend time with someone to prevent them from being alone

blind – unable to see; having no or badly damaged eyesight

Watch out! – Be careful!/ Pay attention!

silly – ridiculous; making no sense

Opposites and Pleasures －反対と快感－

I recently read a poem by Bertolt Brecht called (Pleasures), which he wrote in the 1950s.  It is basically a list of things he liked, seemingly put together in a random order.  How many of his pleasures would you include in your own list?  Here is a translation of his poem:

First look from morning’s window,

The rediscovered book,
Fascinated faces,
Snow, the change of the seasons,
The newspaper,
The dog,
Dialectics,
Showering, swimming,
Old music,
Comfortable shoes,
Comprehension,
New music,
Writing, planting,
Travelling,
Singing,
Being friendly.

*

Brecht’s list is mostly simple and hard to disagree with.  I also like comfortable shoes and being friendly.

The one odd choice is dialectics.  The word can be used to mean different things but for Karl Marx  it meant seeing everything as having an opposite.  Any change to one thing also changed its opposite.  Brecht was a Marxist and claimed to be very influenced by dialectics.

I would suggest to Brecht that he should take out dialectics and replace it in his list with chocolate covered almonds.  Dialectics is very confusing if you are not a Marxist, whereas chocolate covered almonds can be enjoyed by almost everyone.  Also, take out “the dog”, and put in, “the cat”.  Now the list is perfect.

Vocabulary:

random – without a planned order

rediscovered – lost and then found again

fascinated – extremely interested

comprehension - understanding

planting – the putting of flowers, seeds, etc. into the ground

A Fairy Godmother, a Cat, and a Poor Old Woman －フェアリーゴッドマザー（魔法使い）、猫、それからかわいそうなお婆ちゃん－

Do you remember the story of Cinderella and her fairy godmother?  Cinderella was a poor but beautiful young girl who lived in a miserable condition.  But when she found that she had a fairy godmother, she was able to ask for three wishes to be granted for just one night.

Cinderella was a social climber.  So she wished to turn her shabby clothes into a beautiful ballgown, her pumpkin into a carriage, and some mice into horses and a carriage-driver.

Bling!  Things worked out well for Cinderella because she was able to seduce a rich prince before the magic wore off.

I recently heard about a fairy godmother who has been working in Scotland, helping nice but poor people in Dundee.  A Scottish folk singer called Hamish Imlach sang a song about the fairy godmother.  I like the story and I have edited it to make it easier to understand, and printed it below.  Can you catch the humour of the ending?


“Dundee Cat,” by Hamish Imlach (edited):

In an attic room in Dundee town,
Lived a poor old woman - spread this tale around.
She lived 50 years in a wee top flat,
With no other company but her wee tom cat.
Poor old woman.

One night by the fire she felt all alone,
Then who do you think called her on the phone?
 “I’m your fairy godmother, have no fear.
To grant three wishes I’m calling here.”
Poor old woman.

The old woman looked down at her empty purse:
“I could always use some cash, of course.”
The fairy made some magic sounds,
And there on the floor was 10,000 Pounds.
Poor old woman.

“Now a lovely face, and a body divine,
For just one night I wish they were mine.”
The fairy said, “I’ll have a go,”
And made her look like Brigitte Bardo.
Poor old woman.

This lovely girl, the fire she sat,
And turned her attention to her old male cat.
“He’s my only love, so here’s my plan:
Tonight make him my handsome man.”
Poor old woman. 

This handsome man to the girl came near,
He whispered softly in her ear,
“The night is young, but you’ll regret,
The day you took me to the vet.”
Poor old woman!

*

Snip!  The male cat lost something important when he was sent to the vet.

Vocabulary:

a social climber – someone who wants to rise to a higher class or social position

shabby - worn out and in a bad condition

to seduce someone – to attract someone’s romantic or sexual attention

an attic – the top room in a house

wee - small

divine – Heavenly; wonderful

to have a go – to try

“The night is young” – There is still plenty of time this evening

a vet – an animal doctor

Snip – the sound of something being cut

It’s chicken breast tonight again, Darling －今夜も鶏の胸肉だぞ、ダーリン－

“Excuse me, could you help me?  I can’t find the kind of chicken breast I am looking for.”

“Certainly, Sir.  Exactly what kind of chicken breast are you looking for?”

“I’d like a skinless, boneless, low fat, low salt, ethically farmed, organic fillet of chicken.  It should be domestically sourced and should not have been fed anti-biotics or growth hormones, or washed in chlorine.”

“Uh... Is that all?”

“The best before date should be no earlier than the day after tomorrow, and the weight should be between 310 and 330 grams, and the price after tax no higher than 380 yen.”

“Umm... Let me just check.  A-ha!  This piece of chicken breast meets all your requirements!”

“I don’t want that one.  It has too much plastic packaging.”

*

Does anybody else feel exhausted by the amount of things they are asked to remember when making even simple choices in a supermarket?  One day the news says that if you want to save the environment, you should buy product B, not product A.  The next day they say that if you want to avoid getting fat, you should buy product C, not product B.  The next day they say that if you want to save the farmers, you should buy product A, not product C.

And if you try to pay attention to the information provided on the product labels, you need a degree in chemistry to understand what it really contains.

That’s why I have developed a simple system for choosing between foods in a supermarket.  I avoid the cheapest items.  I avoid imported food from some countries which have a bad reputation for adding strange hormones and chemicals to their food.  And I almost always cook the same thing, so that I don’t have to make any new choices at all.

Vocabulary:

ethically – in a morally good or correct way

domestically sourced – bought (by the supermarket) from within the same country, not imported from another country

anti-biotics – a medicine such as penicillin which kills micro-organisms

growth hormones – a kind of chemical produced by the body to make the cells divide and the body grow more quickly

washed in chlorine – in some countries chicken and other foods are washed in chlorine after production in order to kill bacteria

the best before date – on food labels, the date after which the food cannot be enjoyed at its tastiest

exhausted – very tired

On Readiness and Eggs －準備ができている状態と卵について－

You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.  So says the proverb.  But you can buy a ready-made omelette, and heat it up in the microwave, without ever having to break an egg yourself.  Which do you value more: the convenience of the ready-made meal, or the satisfaction of eating something you have made yourself?

Perhaps the ideal choice is somewhere in-between.  Instead of cooking a meal from scratch, or heating up a ready-meal, many people now make “ready-to-cook” meals.  The ingredients have all been chopped and packed for you.  You just have to throw them all into a frying pan or whatever to finish the process.

According to an article I read recently, the growing popularity of these ready-to-cook meals should not be surprising.  Many psychological studies have shown that people assign more value to things if they have helped to make them.  For example, in one experiment, participants were taught to make some simple origami objects.  They also watched an expert making some beautiful origami objects.  They were then allowed to offer money to buy the creations.  People tended to offer much more money for the things that they had made themselves, even if the quality was much poorer.

So are there any other industries which could try to give customers greater satisfaction by involving them in the creative process, whilst keeping an element of convenience?

How about ready-to-knit sweaters?  Hmm... that might be a little too much effort for most people.

So how about “ready-to-peel” bananas?  No, actually, I think we already have those.

“Ready-to-finish” jig-saw puzzles?  These puzzles would be extremely difficult, but come 90 per cent already completed.  The customer would get the satisfaction of finishing a difficult puzzle without having to do most of the work.

How about “ready-to-write” novels?  They would be great for me.  The basic plot-line of a story would be provided – Character A falls in love with character B but in Chapter 2 they have an argument and... etc.  Then all you would have to do was fill in some absorbing dialogue and interesting characters and you have written your first novel!

Or “ready-to-pedal” taxis?  The car doesn’t have an engine.  You have to pedal along with the driver to make it to your destination.  That would also be popular with fitness enthusiasts and environmentalists.  This might actually be quite a good idea.  (Copyright William Lang, 2019!)

[Please insert your own joke here to complete the article.]

Vocabulary:

a proverb – a traditional saying, often giving some simple life advice or observation about life

to do something from scratch – to do something from the very beginning, not building on previous work

an ingredient – one part of a food item or dish

a psychological study – an experiment designed to show how people behave

to assign value to something – to decide how much something is worth

to peel (a banana) – to take the skin off (a banana)

absorbing – tending to draw your attention; fascinating

to pedal – to push your legs in a circular motion, such as to make a bicycle move

Video Killed the Vegetable Star －やさいスターの悲劇－

Is it better to be doing something great and creative, or is it better to be watching a video of yourself doing something great and creative?

The answer seems obvious.  It ought to be much more fulfilling to be doing something great than watching yourself doing something great.  But people seem to prefer watching the video.

Think of all the people who take pictures of their lunch, and post it on Instagram.  Wouldn’t it be better just to enjoy the meal in front of you?

I realised how deeply this fascination with watching our highlights on video runs when my two year-old son showed signs of it.  I can play the guitar a little, and recently started to practise again for the first time since my son was born.  He watched me playing and immediately wanted to get involved.

“Join Daddy play guitar!” he demanded.  So I had to stop practising and let my son sit beside me and pull some strings on the guitar.  For a few weeks he was demanding to play the guitar every day.  He started to get quite good at it.  I made some chords with my left hand and let him pull the strings to make a noise.  He started to get the hang of plucking the strings together to make a recognisable chord.  Then one day he started singing a song that one of his teachers plays at his nursery.  It is sung in Japanese and is a song about vegetables.  The lyrics are something like, “Vegetable, vegetable, vegetable, vegetable!  Tomato, tomato, tomato, tomato, yeah!  Radish, radish, radish, radish, yeah!”

I don’t know how his nursery teacher plays it but with my son and I playing together it sounded like a weird new genre of nursery-punk.  My wife heard us playing and shot a video of the performance. 

And that’s the sad part of the story.  We made the mistake of showing our son the video.  From that moment he stopped wanting to play the guitar.  Now all he wants to do is watch the video of his performance.  “Watch video!  Watch video play guitar!”  So the nursery-punk vegetable star has retired from playing.  And it’s all because of the power of selfie video.

Vocabulary:

fulfilling – causing happiness by allowing someone’s character or abilities to develop fully

to pluck something – to pull the strings of an instrument to make a noise

a selfie – a picture of yourself, taken by yourself