A Dog’s Life －犬の人生－

I read some inspiring stories about dogs recently, because it is the 150^th anniversary of the death of Greyfriars Bobby. 

Bobby was a dog in 19^th Century Edinburgh who showed remarkable dedication to his owner after the man’s death.  Bobby spent his days sitting by his former owner’s grave for 14 years after he had died.  A statue now commemorates the loyalty of the dog. 

The Japanese dog Hachiko is similarly remembered for his loyalty to his owner.  The dog would meet his owner at Shibuya Station every day as he came home from work.  He continued to turn up at the station for ten years after his owner’s death, hoping to see him again. 

On the other hand, I am reminded of American comedian Bill Hicks’ observations about his dog and cat. 

“My dog is truly remarkable,” he said.  “He thinks it is his duty to protect my property.  Every time the mailman or a salesman comes to the door, he rushes up and barks at them.  It is as if he is saying – Be careful, be careful, I’m watching you!  This is Bill’s stuff.  Don’t steal it, I’m watching you!” 

Bill continued, “My cat has a different attitude.  When the dog gets agitated and starts barking at visitors, the cat just looks up lazily.  He seems to be saying – What are you getting in a panic about?  Bill’s got home insurance, you know.” 

“And do you know what?” said Bill, “Though the dog works like mad, and the cat does nothing at all, I feed them both the same.  Who’s the smart one?” 

* 

I’m more of a cat person too.

Vocabulary:

to commemorate something – to recall and show respect for something, especially in a formal way, such as a ceremony, public statue, etc.

to get agitated – to become troubled or in a state of nervous energy

 

The Spaceboy and the Spacegirl －宇宙少年と宇宙少女－

My son is very keen on space these days.  He likes reading facts about the planets in his space encyclopedia for children. 

“Daddy, did you know that Jupiter is called The King of the Planets, because it is bigger than all of the other planets put together?  Did you know that Uranus and Neptune are known as The Twin Planets, because they are similar in colour, size and shape?” 

I didn’t know these things.  But I do now. 

These are the names of the planets in the Solar System, from the closest to the Sun to the furthest: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune.  Earth is my personal favourite planet, because it has an atmosphere composed of 78 per cent nitrogen, 21 per cent oxygen, and 1 per cent other elements.  The Earth has many other advantages, including a temperature that is not too hot and not too cold.  Mars might be nice for a holiday, but I wouldn’t want to live there. 

I like the Scottish folk singer, Ewan MacColl.  He, along with Peggy Seeger, wrote a funny song in 1952 about travelling to space.  It is called “The Spacegirl’s Song”.  The narrator is a girl who has travelled around space, against her mother’s advice.

 

An edited extract from “The Spacegirl’s Song”:

 

My mama told me I should never venture into space

    But I did.

She said no Terran girl could trust the Martian race

    But I did.

A rocket pilot asked me on a voyage to go

And I was so romantic I couldn't say no—

That he was just a servo robot how was I to know?—

    So I did.

 

She told me never venture out among the asteroids

    But I did.

She said the Milky Way was something to avoid

    So I did.

She said that Venus was too hot and Saturn not much fun

And bug-eyed monsters tended to be just a trifle dumb.

She said I'd need a blaster and I'd need a freezer gun

    And I did.

 

Vocabulary:

an encyclopedia – a book that gives a lot of information about different subjects, or different aspects of one subject

to venture (to a place) – to go somewhere, even though the journey is dangerous or risky

a Terran girl – a girl from Earth.  Terra means land or earth, and can also mean the planet Earth.

a servo-robot – a kind of robot that can move in a complicated way.  In this song, the man that the narrator is attracted to actually turns out to be a robot, not a man.

an asteroid – a rock in space

the Milky Way – This is the name of our galaxy, the collection of stars, gas, dust and planets that are in our neighborhood of the universe

a bug-eyed monster – a monster with huge or strange eyes, like a bug or insect (used in science fiction descriptions of scary aliens)

to be a trifle dumb – to be a little stupid

a blaster – a kind of gun (from science fiction), that makes a loud noise, like a blast

 

It’s Alive, It’s Alive! －生きてるんだ！生きてるんだ！

“The brain you stole: think of it.  The brain of a dead man waiting to live again in a body I have made with my own hands!”

Doctor Frankenstein, from the movie, “Frankenstein” (1931)

 

“Hateful day when I received life!  Accursed creator, why did you form a monster so hideous that even you turn from me in disgust?”

The monster, from Mary Shelley’s novel, “Frankenstein”

 

Fear is natural.  Fear keeps us alive.  If you come across a wild tiger in the jungle and you don’t feel fear, then you are a fool. 

But the mind works in mysterious ways, and sometimes people feel fear at odd or inappropriate times.  An irrational fear of something that is not really dangerous is called a phobia.  I once knew a man who was so scared of heights that he couldn’t walk across a pedestrian bridge in Tokyo, even though it was very large and sturdily built. 

Phobias of spiders, flying, and small spaces are not uncommon.  My mother doesn’t like to use the subway.  My wife hates the sight of small dots that look like a skin rash, even if they are only on paper. 

But this week in one of my English classes I heard about a very unique phobia.  One of my students told me that her daughter, a university student, has a phobia of statues. 

“Statues?” I said, “What kind of statues is she afraid of?” 

“Things like the Sphinx in Egypt, or models of monsters.  She can’t go to places like Universal Studios.” 

I’m sure it is an uncomfortable feeling for the poor girl, but I couldn’t help but laugh.  She must be scared of the sound of creaking stone or metal as these statues come to life and attack her. 

My advice is to stop watching horror movies before bedtime.

 

Vocabulary:

accursed – used to express strong dislike of something; hateful or awful

hideous – extremely ugly

disgust – a feeling of strong dislike caused by something unpleasant

a skin rash – a reaction on the skin, causing many small red spots

In My Life －イン・マイ・ライフ－

“There are places I’ll remember,

All my life, though some have changed…

 

All these places have their moments,

With lovers and friends, I still can recall.

Some are dead and some are living,

In my life I’ve loved them all.”

from The Beatles song, “In My Life”

 

I read today about an interesting scientific discovery, which has recently been published. 

Doctors were studying the brain waves of an 87 year old man who suffered from epilepsy.  They connected him to a machine which would analyse his brain waves.  Unfortunately, during the test, the man suddenly had a heart attack and died. 

But this unexpected death allowed the doctors to record the brain wave patterns of a human as they died for the first time.  And from the time the heart stopped working, and for thirty seconds after, the brain experienced a spike in activity similar to that experienced when dreaming, or recalling memories.  It appears that, at the point of death, our life really does flash before our eyes. 

I wonder if the brain is randomly searching through as many memories as possible, looking for some past experience which will give a clue as to how the body can be saved? 

Or have your memory banks been storing a highlight reel of your best bits, ready to enjoy at the end of your life?  Perhaps, as John Lennon suggests, you never forget the friends and lovers you meet along the way.

Vocabulary:

epilepsy – this is a medical condition in which brain activity becomes abnormal for short periods, causing people to collapse to the ground and lose control of their muscles, or to behave strangely

a spike – a sudden, sharp increase

for one’s life to flash before one’s eyes – to suddenly recall a stream of memories from many different periods in one’s life.  For example, “During the car crash, my life flashed before my eyes.  I thought I was going to die.”

 

He Don’t Play the Trombone －彼はトロンボーンを弾かない－

Imagine you receive a letter, open it and start reading.  What is the worst thing that could be written in the first line?

How about these for bad things to read in the first line of a letter?

“This is a final demand for payment.”  

“Greetings from your dentist.”

“Hey Charlie, I’m pregnant.”

I think the last one could be the worst.  It is the first line of a Tom Waits song.  I can’t help but laugh at how the situation of this song starts bad, but little by little just gets worse.

Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis

Hey Charlie I'm pregnant, and living on 9th Street,

Right above a dirty bookstore off Euclid Avenue.

I stopped taking dope and I quit drinkin whiskey.

My old man plays the trombone and works out at the track.

He says that he loves me, even though it's not his baby.

He says that he'll raise him up like he would his own son.

He gave me a ring that was worn by his mother,

And he takes me out dancin every Saturday night.

Hey Charlie, I think about you everytime I pass a filling station,

On account of all the grease you used to wear in your hair.

I still have that record - Little Anthony and the Imperials,

But someone stole my record player - now how do you like that?

Hey Charlie, I almost went crazy after Mario got busted.

I went back to Omaha to live with my folks,

But everyone I used to know was either dead or in prison.

So I came back to Minneapolis - this time I think I'm gonna stay.

Hey Charlie, I think I'm happy for the first time since my accident.

I wish I had all the money we used to spend on dope.

I'd buy me a used car lot and I wouldn't sell any of them,

I'd just drive a different car every day depending on how I feel.

Hey Charlie, for Christ’s sake, if you want to know the truth of it,

I don't have a husband, he don't play the trombone.

I need to borrow money to pay this lawyer and Charlie hey,

I'll be eligible for parole come Valentine's day.

Vocabulary:

a hooker – this is slang for a prostitute; someone who sells sex

dope – illegal drugs

“My old man” – this can mean “father’, but in this line means “husband”

a filling station – a petrol station; a gas stand

“How do you like that?” – expressing surprise and disgust, “What do you think of that?”

to get busted – to be arrested

parole – early release from prison

This Is the Secret that Will Change Your Life －これは貴方様の人生を変える秘密です－

Why does YouTube seem to think that I am a fat, lazy, paranoid man who cannot spell, and who has a severe earwax problem?

I say this because of the adverts that are shown to me when I watch YouTube.  Google has a lot of data on me, and is able to personally tailor its adverts to fit that data.  So I am a little concerned as to why these adverts keep popping up on my screen.

First, there is an advert for some kind of magical slimming drink.  “You could become one of the few people in the world who get sexier as they get older.  This is the secret that the 20 billion Dollar a year slimming product industry doesn’t want you to hear.  You don’t have to exercise or go on a diet.  Just drink our…”

Second, there is an advert for a tool to help you avoid spelling mistakes and grammatical errors.  “My sentences used to be clunky, and people struggled to understand what I was trying to say.  But with this amazing new app, my sentences sound clear and concise.”

Third, there is an earwax removal product.  “This is the secret that the 1 billion Dollar a year cotton bud industry doesn’t want you to know.  Cleaning your ears with cotton buds can be dangerous.  But our new, safe, and washable earwax remover…” 

Most of the adverts claim that there is a secret that some huge industry doesn’t want you to know about because, if you knew about this wonderful new product, the old industry giants would collapse.  Are so many potential customers really attracted by crazy conspiracy theories?  It seems like a pretty sad comment on our times. 

And why don’t I get adverts for exciting holidays and adventures, and instead get adverts for fat, lazy people with too much earwax?  Google seems to know that I am now over forty, and am vulnerable to a declining body and a mid-life crisis. 

By the way, why don’t you take English lessons with me?  You can be one of the few people over forty who gets cleverer as they age.  With my new programme of conversation and article based lessons, you can amaze yourself with the speed of your improvement.  It’s so easy that you can study while doing other things, like removing earwax!  The 100 billion Dollar a year language teaching industry doesn’t want you to know this secret, so book now!

Vocabulary:

paranoid – having a false belief that people are trying to harm you

to tailor something – to change something to neatly fit a specific person or group

to pop up – to briefly or suddenly appear

clunky – of a sentence or writing style, not being smooth, or being awkward to read

concise – giving a lot of information clearly and in a few words

a conspiracy theory – a belief that a secret and powerful group is the real reason for an unexplained event (For example, “Some people believe that Neil Armstrong never landed on the moon, and that the moon landings were faked by NASA.  This is a conspiracy theory.”)

 

Wabisabi in Space, and other Stories －宇宙のわびさび、それから他の話－ジャパンタイムズに記事が掲載されました

I recently wrote an article for the Japan Times, in which I “tidied up” some funny stories from last year. 

What would space exploration be like if Japan took the lead instead of America, Russia and China?  How about wooden satellites? 

Are Japanese trains, in fact too punctual? 

Why do some elderly politicians in Japan get away with saying such odd things in media interviews? 

And are pandas really as cute as Ueno Zoo would have us believe? 

These questions are explored in the article.  Here is the link:

ウィルのジャパンタイムズ記事リンク（2022/1/24）