Let the British Eat Cake －イギリス人は（パンがなければ）ケーキを食べればいいじゃない－

The British Conservative party is now choosing a new leader, who will become Britain’s new Prime Minister.  They will not have to face a general election for another two years. 

To become leader of the Conservative Party, the candidates have to be selected by the members of the Conservative Party, not the general public.  Conservative Party members tend to be older, richer and more right-wing than the general British public.  So all of the candidates are promising more and more tax cuts for rich people if they are selected.  This is despite the fact that the country is facing high inflation, high levels of borrowing, and a cost of living crisis for working class families. 

Here is how the debate sounds to me: 

A:  If you make me Prime Minister, I will spend less on schools, policing and hospitals.  With the money saved, I will provide free strawberries and cream for hard working entrepreneurs, and rich people. 

B:  That’s a stupid idea.  We cannot cut money to schools, policing and hospitals at this difficult time.  Instead, I will steal money from our children and grandchildren, and give it to the elderly.  Also, I will remove taxes on Champagne and caviar to boost the economy. 

C:  That’s crazy, totally crazy.  If I am chosen to be Prime Minister, I will dress up as Margaret Thatcher, and bring back Britain’s hungry spirit by making poor people hungrier.  Then I will start a war against a small and weak country so that we can all feel nostalgic about having once had an empire.

 

The Greatest Movie Sequels Never Made－まだ作られていない名作映画の続編－

Recently there has been a spate of sequels to old movies which were box office hits in the 1980s.  One of my favourite ever movies is Blade Runner, made in 1982.  It recently had a disappointing sequel, Blade Runner 2049.  And this year sees the release of Top Gun: Maverick, in which the 60 year old Tom Cruise revisits a character he last played in 1986. 

Clearly the movie studios are trying to sell nostalgia.  People who grew up in the 1980s may associate these classic movies with their happier, brighter lives as youngsters. 

So, if this trend continues, what other movie sequels can we expect to see?  Will these movies soon be appearing in a cinema near you?:

 

1 – When Harry Divorced Sally 

In the 1989 film, “When Harry Met Sally”, Meg Ryan’s character and Billy Crystal’s character take 12 long years to fall in love after their first meeting.  In this sequel, they will take 12 long years to get divorced, slowly realising each other’s faults.  This is a gritty human drama.

 

2 – ET2: Stopped at Immigration 

In the 1982 original, a cute extra terrestrial is helped by a child to “go home” – to escape Earth and the American government which wants to study him.  In this sequel, ET changes his mind and comes back to Earth, but Donald Trump won’t let him enter America and tells him to go home.  This is a political thriller.

 

3 – Back to the Future, part 4: Back to the 1980s 

Marty McFly must travel back to the 1980s to save his tamagotchi, which his great rival Biff wants to kill.  Using the technology of the day, such as the Sony Walkman, his synthesizers, and a glow in the dark yo-yo, Marty must save the day.  This is a nostalgia piece.

 

Vocabulary:

a spate of something – a large number of similar things coming in quick succession (For example: There has been a spate of mass shootings in the U.S. recently.)

gritty – tough and realistic, not hiding unpleasant truths or scenes

 

It’s a Cat’s Life －猫の人生である－

Recently I have been reading Natsume Soseki’s classic novel, “I am a Cat”.  The narrator – a nameless cat – makes many observations about life and human society.  Here are a few I have picked out. 

1 – On sleep.  What does a housecat, who sits about most of the day napping have to say about his tendency to sleep more than the humans around him? 

“If the Creator should take the line that I am born to work and not to sleep, I would agree that I am indeed born to work but I would also make the unanswerable point that I cannot work unless I also rest. Even my master, that timid but complaining [cranky teacher], sometimes though it costs him money, takes a weekday off. I am no human cog. I am a cat, a being sensitive to the most subtle shades of thought and feeling. Naturally, I tire more quickly than my master. Naturally, I need more sleep.” 

2 – On teachers.  This cat’s master is an English teacher, and the cat observes him closely.  What is his opinion of the honoured teaching profession? 

“There are times when even I, a mere cat, can put two thoughts together. Teachers have it easy. If you are born a human, it's best to become a teacher. For if it's possible to sleep this much and still to be a teacher, why, even a cat could teach" However, according to the master, there's nothing harder than a teacher's life...” 

3 – On making fun of others.  This cat’s master and his friends, especially Waverhouse, spend much time teasing each other and making fun of their neighbors and acquaintances.  What does a cat, a solitary creature by nature, make of this human habit? 

“No matter how skilled the teaser, his efforts will be wasted if the teasee happens to be as dull (or as intelligent) as a camel. Of course, should the victim happen to be as inordinately strong as a lion or a tiger, the teaser will quickly find himself involved in the yet more total disappointment of being ripped to shreds.” 

4 – On dreams.  If our dreams reveal our secret desires, what does a cat dream of? 

“There came an afternoon when, taking my usual snooze on the veranda, I dreamt I was a tiger. “Bring me,” I growl at my master, “buckets brimming with chicken meat,” which he, crawling toward me in a pleasing tremble of terror, immediately supplied. Waverhouse then appeared and I promptly snarl, “Get yourself down to the Wild Goose Restaurant, for I want, and you shall fetch, goose flesh of the best.” 

5 – On philosophy.  What are the limits to an observant cat’s knowledge? 

“True. I know almost everything about almost everything. Perhaps the only thing I don't know all about is the real extent of my own foolishness. But even on that, I can make a pretty good guess.”

 

Vocabulary:

the Creator – God; the creator of the universe

to take the line that… - to argue or maintain that…

to be cranky – to be irritable, or to have a difficult personality

a mere (cat) – a humble (cat); just a (cat)

to be dull – to be unintelligent or slow-witted

inordinately – extremely

to be ripped to shreds – literally, to be destroyed and left in pieces, like a sheet of paper which is repeatedly torn by hand

a snooze – a light nap

I’m So Cute, I Could Just Marry Myself －私は可愛すぎて、自分と結婚できるわ－

“Mirror, mirror on the wall – Who’s the fairest of them all?”

From “Snow White”

 

“Never marry at all, Dorian.  Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.”

Oscar Wilde, from, “The Picture of Dorian Gray”

 

In India recently, a 24 year-old woman married herself.  She put on a traditional red bridal dress, had her hair powdered and oiled, invited friends and family for music and dancing to celebrate.  Then she walked seven times around a sacred fire to complete the ceremony. 

“I will be dedicating my life to self love,” the new bride told the media.  “Self-marriage is a commitment to being there for yourself… It’s my way of showing that I’m accepting of all the different parts of me, especially the parts of myself that I have tried to deny or disown, such as my weaknesses.” 

After the wedding, the bride treated herself to a two week honeymoon in Goa. 

I just hope the relationship is strong enough to survive some of the problems that can arise within a marriage.  How would the bride react if her beloved marriage partner one day had an affair? 

A Scottish Wedding on the Run －スコットランドで駆け落ち婚－

Parents don’t always approve of their child’s decision of a marriage partner.  This is especially true if there is a big age gap between the two lovers. 

A young person who is determined to marry someone that their parents disapprove of might have to run away from home to get married.  In the mid 18^th century, it became common for young English people in this situation to run away to Scotland to get married.  The law in England stated that people under the age of 21 needed their parents’ permission to wed, and the wedding could only take place in a church.  In Scotland, however, a young adult did not need their parents’ permission, and didn’t even need to find a church.  So many English couples who could not get the permission of a parent crossed the border into Scotland to marry.  The nearest village on the road from England was Gretna Green, and it became famous for holding many of these run-away marriages. 

I fear that my own son is planning to run away to Scotland to get married, since his mother and I do not approve of his chosen partner.  I can’t accept a wedding between them, because the age gap is insurmountable.  The woman is a nursery teacher in her thirties, and my son is just five. 

My son apparently said to his favourite female nursery teacher, “I will take you to Scotland.  Why don’t you come with me?” 

His teacher laughed, and agreed.  Later, she told us the story. 

We didn’t mention anything to our son about it, but it seems he is really taking the idea seriously.  When he was sitting at the dinner table, he started muttering to himself. 

“But I might wet my pants on the plane..” 

He is clearly thinking through some of the difficulties of his plan.  I hope he sees sense and reconsiders.  When he posts his wedding photos on Facebook, what will the neighbors say?

 

Vocabulary:

to be insurmountable – too great to be overcome (For example, “We will never succeed.  The problems are insurmountable.”)

to mutter – to say something in a low or hard to hear voice, especially in dissatisfaction or irritation

 

The A toZ of Dates to Avoid: A －AからZまでのダメダメデート：A編－

My wife recently told me about a Japanese podcaster who warned against dating three kinds of men: creators, cameramen, and curry enthusiasts. 

People who work in creative fields such as artists or influencers probably don’t have a regular salary.  You never know when a cameraman might be secretly filming you!  And curry enthusiasts, who have a dozen different types of spice and always have a new curry stewing in the pot, are probably a bit of a bother to live with. 

The name of the podcast is “Over the Sun,” in case you would like to hear about the three ‘C’s you must avoid when dating men (in Japanese). 

I liked the idea of giving dating warnings by letter.  So I will start with some warnings about the three ‘A’s of women you should avoid dating, in my experience.

 

1 – Astrology believers 

“I never liked her anyway, because she is a Libra, and, of course, I don’t get on with Libras.” 

Leave before your house fills up with healing crystals and the smell of incense.  You cannot reason with someone who believes in magic.

 

2 – Always prattling 

“You’ll never guess what happened at work today – Jenny, that’s the new girl, ate three cookies, and these were chocolate cookies, which are my favourite – you know when you open one packet, you’re already thinking about opening another – and anyway…” 

My ears are tired just thinking about it.  Never date someone who talks without using full stops.

 

3 – Anime geeks

“Before coming to the bedroom, Darling, could you put on your ninja costume.  I’ll just go and get my cat ears.” 

Actually, to be honest, I could probably live with this problem.  But living with an anime geek may involve a lot of hard work doing cosplay and searching for rare plastic figurines in Akihabara.

 

Other ‘A’s to be careful of include “Ant keepers,” “Acroyoga addicts,” and “Axe throwers.”

 

Vocabulary:

an enthusiast – someone who gets very excited or enthusiastic about one hobby or activity

an influencer – someone, often on Youtube or TikTok, who makes money by attracting followers on a social media platform

to prattle – to talk at length about unimportant or irrelevant topics or details

a figurine – a small model representing a character, person, animal, etc

 

Essential Tip for Hakon Travel: Bring a Towel －箱根旅行のための大切な助言 ～タオルを持って行って－

A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have.  Partly it has great practical value: You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across [a cold moon]; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded [beach planet], inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep on it underneath the stars which shine so redly on [a desert planet]; you can use it to sail a mini-raft down [a slow river]; you can wet it to fight hand-to-hand combat; you can wrap it around your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of [a monster]…; you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems clean enough.

(from “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, by Douglas Adams)

 

I have just come back to Tokyo from a two night stay in Hakone. 

We took a cable car up the volcano to a viewing platform, where visitors could look out at a vent which was releasing steam from under the surface of the Earth.  The air smelled of sulphur, and the steam hissed like a giant kettle. 

Before we got on the cable car going up the volcano, we were all handed a wet towel as a safety precaution.  “In the event of a release of poisonous gas from the volcano,” we were told, “Hold the wet towel in front of your face.” 

I couldn’t help but laugh at the idea that a little wet towel could protect me from the power of an erupting volcano!  Imagine the people at Pompeii saying to each other, “Quick – cover your face with a towel!” 

But a towel was very useful when we took a hot footbath in a large park.  Douglas Adams was right.  The first thing a traveller must pack is his towel.

 

Vocabulary:

interstellar – between the stars

to bound – to leap or jump

to inhale – to breathe in

vapor – a cloud of material hanging in the air

noxious fumes – poisonous gas or vapor

a distress signal – a sign asking for help

a vent – in a volcano, a long tunnel-like exit from which steam or other material emerges