Hold on – My Brain is Ringing －ちょっと待って。俺の脳が鳴っている－

“Cell phones are so convenient that they are an inconvenience.”

Haruki Murakami

 

“When [mobile phones] first appeared, they were so cool.  Only when it was too late did people realise that they are as cool as electronic tags on remand prisoners.”

David Mitchell

 

“What about a text message?  Isn’t that just using a telephone as a telegraph?  We’re going backwards.”

Michael Finkel

 

What was life like before mobile phones?

I should remember, since I was a university student when I got my first one.  But it seems like I have gotten as used to having a mobile phone in my pocket as to having a wallet in my pocket, or a pair of glasses on the end of my nose.

I was reading an old novella written by Stephen King.  It was written before mobiles became common.  The main character continually has to find pay phones in order to get in touch with people.  There’s a creepy guy following me around – I wonder if that café will let me borrow their phone so that I can get a taxi?  My house is on fire! – Let’s run back to the pay phone and call the fire brigade!

It is such a different world that it is hard to concentrate on the story.

What will life be like when our mobile phones are just implanted in our brains?:  More convenient, no doubt, especially when dealing with creepy people following us around or sudden house fires.  We could take an instant video of a problem and send it to the emergency services with just a thought.  But in another way, more stressful and inconvenient.  How will we justify ignoring a phone call that is ringing inside our head?

Black Magic, Extra Large － 黒魔術、XLサイズ－

“Wake up, Wendy, smell the coffee… Gimme a cup of that old black magic”

From the song, “Wake up Wendy,” by Elton John

 

“It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.”

Dave Barry

 

“This morning’s forecast: a 100 per cent chance of coffee… At this point in my life, I am more coffee than man.”

Keith Wynn

 

I have just finished today’s cup of coffee.  I tend to drink one cup of coffee and about two cups of tea a day.  Because of the higher caffeine content, I can’t take more than one cup of coffee, or I get a bit shaky and dizzy. 

I noticed that drinking too much coffee had a bad effect on me when I started trembling uncontrollably in a job interview.  Because I didn’t want to be late, I searched for the location of the interview about an hour and a half before I had to be there, and then found a coffee shop in which to kill time.  Several coffees later, I started feeling ill.  The interviewer must have seen my hands trembling and assumed I was really desperate to get the job. 

My body’s reaction to an overdose of caffeine is why I ordered a burger, fries, and a small black coffee in Freshness Burger the other day.  I checked with the staff member.  “The coffee comes as part of a set meal, right?” 

“Right,” he said.  “So that’s a burger, fries and coffee set, with a small black coffee,” he confirmed. 

A few minutes later he brought me my burger, fries, a large black coffee, and a small black coffee.  Apparently the set menu automatically comes with a large drink, and he thought my request of a small coffee was an extra order.  He also must have thought that I was an extreme caffeine addict. 

Double the recommended dose of caffeine?  I don’t think I want to be awake in Nerima that long.

 

Monkey Magic, part 2 －猿魔術 2－

This is the continuation of the story, “The Magic Stone,” written by my son.  The Monkey family wished to have a lot of money, and they appeared inside a bank vault. 

* 

“Quick!” said Mummy Monkey.  “We have to get out of here before someone sees us and calls the police!” 

Daddy Monkey ran towards the magic stone. 

Clock, clack, clock… 

* 

Part 2: 

Daddy Monkey grabbed the stone and said, “I want to be king, and my family to be living in a palace!” 

There was a flash of magic, and the family suddenly appeared inside a palace. 

They were in a large room with expensive looking furniture.  There was a long table with many different kinds of food on it.  There was ham cutlet, tomatoes, pizza and wine. 

“It is good to be the king!” said Daddy Monkey, taking a sip of wine. 

“I wonder if the palace has a massage room?” said Mummy Monkey. 

“I wonder if the palace has a chocolate room?” said Child Monkey. 

“A chocolate room?” said Daddy Monkey. 

Then Child Monkey put a hand to his ear and said, “What is that noise?” 

They all listened.  They could hear bangs and crashes and angry shouts. 

King Daddy Monkey ran to the window.  “Oh, dear,” he said.  “The subjects of my kingdom are attacking our palace.  Maybe we have been demanding too much ham cutlet…?” 

Child Monkey put one hand in front of his mouth, and chewed his ham cutlet as fast as he could. 

Just then there was a loud bang on the door.  The angry mob of revolutionaries was just outside. 

Mummy Monkey ran to the magic stone. 

Crash! 

Quickly she made the final wish… 

When the flash of magic died away, Child Monkey looked around.  They were back home in their tree house.  There were no piles of money.  There was no table of luxurious food, only a few bananas sitting on a rough wooden table. 

Mummy Monkey spoke.  “We may not have much money, and may not live in a big house.  But it is good to be home.” 

The end

Monkey Magic, part 1－猿魔術－

It was my wife’s birthday recently.  As a birthday present, my eight year old son decided to write a short story for his mother.  I helped him, and this is the story we came up with together.

 

The Magic Stone, part 1:

 

There was a family of monkeys.  There was Mummy Monkey, Daddy Monkey, and Child Monkey. 

One day, Child Monkey found a very interesting stone.  It was a magic stone. 

The stone spoke to Child Monkey.  It said, “I will give you three wishes.  What do you wish for?” 

Child Monkey did not think for long. He said, “I wish for our family to have a lot of money.” 

There was a flash of magic.  Suddenly, there was money all around.  Daddy Monkey picked up a big pile of bank notes. 

“We are rich!” Daddy Monkey said.  “I will buy the electric guitar of a famous rock musician, and sing songs all day.” 

“And I will buy the biggest tv in the world, and watch Dragonball all day,” said Child Monkey. 

Then Mummy Monkey said, “Oh, dear.  Do you know why there is money all around us?  We have been teleported inside a bank!” 

Clack, clock, clack! 

There was the sound of footsteps from the corridor just outside the room with the money.  They were coming towards the door. 

“Quick!” said Mummy Monkey.  “We have to get out of here before someone sees us and calls the police!” 

Daddy Monkey ran towards the magic stone. 

Clock, clack, clock…

 

Stretching the Years －年伸ばし－

Have you ever heard a dog owner talking about the age of their dog, and using the term, “dog years?” 

Dogs obviously mature more quickly than humans, and have a shorter life expectancy.  So to give humans a rough idea of how mature their dog is, the concept of “dog years” can be useful.

According to this concept, after one year, a dog is 15 years old in dog years.  At the age of 2, they are 24 years old in dog years.  And each year after that, they age 5 dog years.  So a 6 year old dog would be in middle age, or about 44 years old in dog years. 

As a man in middle age, I have recently been thinking about the course of life, pensions and so on.  But it occurred to me that since I am married to a Japanese woman, who has a longer life expectancy than I do, I have to think in terms similar to dog years.  According to Wikipedia, the average life expectancy at birth for a man born in Glasgow (my home town) is 73.6 years.  Yet the average life expectancy for a woman born in Japan is 87.1 years. 

I reckon that I can calculate my age in “Japanese woman years” by dividing my age by 73.6, and then multiplying the result by 87.1. 

By that calculation, although I am 44 years old, I become about 52 years old in JW Years. 

No wonder my knees are painful, and I can’t remember names like I used to. 

Japanese women can do the calculation in reverse, in order to find their age in “Glaswegian man years.”  So a 50 year old woman becomes 42 GM Years old. 

I am a very popular man with older Japanese women.

 

Childhood Friends? －幼なじみ？－

I recently read a short story by Ray Bradbury, which starts with the main character planning to commit “the perfect murder”. 

He is now a middle aged man with a wife and children.  But he can’t stop thinking back to his childhood, and his relationship with his best friend.  Although they were ostensibly friends, the other child treated the main character poorly in many ways, and seemed to look down on him.  The main character always went to his friend’s house to invite him to play, never the other way round.  The friend played tricks on the main character, cruelly teasing and making fun of him.  Since the main character had no other friends, he accepted this low level bullying, until his family moved away from the area when he was twelve years old. 

Now thirty years later, the main character plans to find his old friend and murder him for the remembered bullying.  But when the two middle aged men meet, the one who had been a child bully has become sick and lonely, and the main character decides to let him live. 

It made me wonder which of my childhood friends I might one day decide to murder, and why.  More worryingly, it made me wonder which of my childhood friends might one day decide to murder me, and why. 

On a snowy winter’s day in Scotland, I saw a dirty brown mess that a dog had left on the pavement.  I piled some snow on top of the mess.  Then I took a friend round to the spot and said, “Look how deep that pile of snow is.  I bet that you are not brave enough to jump into it!” 

The poor boy jumped straight in. 

Worse things than that happened to me as a child.  My older brother’s friend had an air gun.  When I was only five or six years old, he chased me around the house with the gun, saying that he was going to shoot me.  I picked up a thick book and held it in front of my head.  Then my brother’s friend fired the air gun, and a little pellet hit the book in front of my face, and made a big hole in the book that nearly went all the way through to the other side. 

It is a wonder that any boys survive childhood at all.

 

Vocabulary:

ostensibly – apparently; on the face of it

[eg., The prime minister resigned, ostensibly for health reasons.  But many people believe that he had actually lost support from within his party.]

 

Liberating Lunches －気分を楽にさせるランチ－

My friends have been taking advantage of me for years, and I’ve had enough.  Whenever I meet my friends for lunch, we split the bill 50 – 50.  And they have been ripping me off. 

For instance, my friend from England always takes disposable chopsticks from the restaurant, while I am bringing plastic chopsticks from home.  So I am imposing a 10 per cent charge on him.  From now on, we will split the bill 45 – 55, in my favour. 

My friend from France adds milk and sugar to her coffee, and I don’t.  I am imposing a 20 per cent levy on her.  From now on we split the bill 40 – 60. 

Worst of all is my friend from Tokyo.  Last time when we met in Mr. Donut he had three free coffee refills.  I can’t drink coffee so fast.  So I’m imposing a 30 per cent charge on that guy.  From now on we will split our Mr. Donut bill 35 – 65. 

I am sure that all of my friends will respect me more for putting myself first for once.

 

Vocabulary:

to take advantage of someone – to treat someone unfairly, using their weakness for your own benefit

[eg., I think your boss is taking advantage of you.  You should stop agreeing to do overtime for free.]

to split the bill – to divide the cost, usually in a restaurant

to rip someone off – a casual phrase meaning to cheat someone by making them pay too much money

[eg., I thought I had bought a valuable antique.  But I was ripped off.  It isn’t valuable at all.]