Monkey magic －モンキー・マジック－

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a blog about the subject of making wishes and having them granted through magic. I mentioned a wonderful story by W.W. Jacobs called “The Monkey’s Paw”.

Here is an edited extract. An old man, Mr. White, lives with his wife and son.  When his old friend, a soldier, comes to visit, unfortunate consequences follow. In the first part, the soldier gives Mr. White the paw.  His son doesn’t believe in the magic, and makes fun of it. In the second part, the old couple gets a visit from one of the bosses at their son’s company.  Remember that in 1902, 200 pounds was a lot of money!

 

An edited extract from “The Monkey’s Paw” by W.W. Jacobs (1902):

 

"Well, it's just a bit of what you might call magic, perhaps," said the soldier, offhandedly.

His three listeners leaned forward eagerly.  The visitor absent-mindedly put his empty glass to his lips and then set it down again.  His host filled it for him.

"To look at," said the soldier, fumbling in his pocket, "it's just an ordinary little paw, dried to a mummy."

He took something out of his pocket.  Mrs. White drew back with a grimace, but her son, taking it, examined it curiously.

 

"And what is there special about it?" inquired Mr. White as he took it from his son, and having examined it, placed it upon the table.

"It had a spell put on it by an old magician," said the soldier, "He wanted to show that fate ruled people's lives, and that those who interfered with it did so to their sorrow.  He put a spell on it so that three separate men could each have three wishes from it." 

"Sounds like the Arabian Nights," said Mrs. White, as she rose and began to set the supper.

Mr. White took the paw from the table and eyed it dubiously.  "I don't know what to wish for, and that's a fact," he said, slowly.  "It seems to me I've got all I want."

"If you only paid off the mortgage on the house, you'd be quite happy, wouldn't you?" said his son, with his hand on his father’s shoulder.  "Well, wish for two hundred pounds, then; that 'll just do it." 

His father, smiling shamefacedly at his own credulity, held up the talisman, as his son, with a solemn face, somewhat marred by a wink at his mother, sat down at the piano and struck a few impressive chords.

"I wish for two hundred pounds," said the old man distinctly.

A fine crash from the piano greeted the words, interrupted by a shuddering cry from the old man.  His wife and son ran toward him.

"It moved," he cried, with a glance of disgust at the object as it lay on the floor.

"As I wished, it twisted in my hand like a snake."

"Well, I don't see the money," said his son as he picked it up and placed it on the table, "and I bet I never shall."

 

***

 

The next day, Mrs. White brought the stranger, who seemed ill at ease, into the room.  He gazed at her furtively, and listened in a preoccupied fashion as the old lady apologized for the appearance of the room.  She waited for him to state his business.

"I’m sorry, but your son was caught in the machinery," said the visitor at length in a low voice.

"He died.  The company admit no liability at all, but in consideration of your son's services, they wish to present you with a certain sum as compensation."

Mr. White dropped his wife's hand, and rising to his feet, gazed with a look of horror at his visitor.  His dry lips shaped the words, "How much?"

"Two hundred pounds," was the answer.

 

                   What’s your next wish?

 

Vocabulary:

a paw – The hand or foot of an animal, such as a cat or monkey

to make fun of something – to tease or laugh at something

offhandedly – without showing something special significance; casually

absent-mindedly – without paying attention; with your thoughts elsewhere

to fumble – to search for with your hand in a clumsy way; to try to pick something up in a clumsy way

a grimace – a facial expression which shows a strongly negative reaction, such as disgust or pain

dubiously – doubtfully; uncertainly

a talisman – a charm

credulity – willingness to believe; gullibility

solemn – serious; grave

to be marred – to be spoiled; to be made imperfect

to be ill at ease – to be in discomfort

to be preoccupied – to be thinking about something else

furtively – in a way which seems you want to remain hidden; slyly

liability – legal responsibility

 

Death to tipping, long live democracy! －チップの習慣に死を、資本主義万歳！－

“{Tips are} democracy’s mortal foe {because they} create a servile attitude for a fee.”

William Scott in “The Itching Palm”, 1916 

Tipping is the custom of paying a gratuity, or extra charge, when purchasing a service.  It is paid directly to the person who has served you, rather than their employer.  The custom is supposed to reward good service, or to top up the wages of employees.  In America, tips are considered an essential part of some workers wages, and they are needed by many restaurant staff to meet their living costs.

Whether tips are paid or not, and how much is expected, varies from country to country.  They are basically unknown in Japan.  It is usual to pay a tip of between 10 and 15 per cent in restaurants and taxis in the UK.  As suggested above, in America, tipping is more common and might be expected for a wider range of services.

But according to a news article I read recently, the custom of tipping might be on the way out. This is because people are using cards and internet banking to pay for many things that they formerly used cash for, and because they make many transactions over the internet rather than in person.  If you ordered your taxi through a phone app, and paid for it using an on-line service like PayPal, how can you tip the driver?

So if the custom of tipping is dying a death from new technology, should we mourn its loss?

I sympathise with lowly paid staff who are reliant on tips to pay their bills, but this could easily be fixed by forcing companies to pay a decent minimum wage.

I also can’t accept the argument that tipping encourages good service.  Believe me, the service in Japan compares very well with that in the US or UK.  I am reminded of an interesting story about a library which demonstrates the limits of using money as a motivating tool.  Every now and then in one library, users would bring the books that they had borrowed back late.  To try to reduce the number of people doing this, the library introduced a fine.  The number of people returning their books late then suddenly rose dramatically.  Before the fine was introduced, people returned the books on time because they felt it was their moral obligation to do so.  After the fine was introduced, the motivation was purely financial.  People no longer felt bad about returning the books late.  The same is probably true in the service industries.  People do a good job when they have pride in their work, rather than when they are offered a tip.

Perhaps surprisingly, tipping has at times had a very bad reputation in the US, where it is most common.  Six different states banned tipping for a while in the early 20^th Century and a number of organisations were founded to fight the custom.  These organisations argued that tipping forced an aristocratic relationship upon the person paying and the person accepting the tip.  Thus, it was anti-democratic.  William Scott wrote, “Tipping, and the aristocratic idea it exemplifies, is what we left Europe to escape.  It is a cancer in the breast of democracy.”

Try shouting that to the New York waiter as he chases you down the street for his tip.

 

Vocabulary:

a mortal foe – a deadly enemy

servile – showing an excessive willingness to serve or please others

to top something up – to increase something, like wages, a drink etc. a little beyond the current amount

to be on the way out – to be in terminal decline; to be facing removal, deletion etc.

a transaction – a deal; an instance of buying or selling something

to mourn – to feel or show grief or regret for a death

an obligation – a duty; something you should or must do

aristocratic – upper-class

to exemplify something – to be a strong example of something

 

On finding a magic lamp －魔法のランプを見つけることについて－

1 – I wish for an original blog entry to be emailed to me every Thursday, which I can then publish as my own work.
 

2 - I wish for my internet connection to permanently stabilise, never to freeze suddenly or cut out whilst I am listening to the radio again.

3 – I wish for a cheap and easy cure for hay fever to be discovered tomorrow.

These are quite modest wishes to make to the genie of a magic lamp.  But I know from a close study of fiction that making grand or purely selfish wishes can lead to trouble.

In a wonderful story entitled “The monkey’s paw” by W.W. Jacobs, an elderly couple are granted three wishes.  For their first, they ask to be rich.  The next day their son is killed in a tragic accident at work and they are paid a large sum of money as compensation.  Oops.

The boy’s mother then wishes for the son to be brought back from the dead.  At first the couple think that nothing has happened but, later that night, they hear an ominous thudding noise approaching their door.  The old man imagines the horror of his son’s rotting corpse shambling back to them in a nightmarish parody of life.  So he uses the third wish to cancel the second one just before his wife can open the door.

An episode of the X-files also explores the idea of people being given three wishes and having them granted but with unforeseen consequences.  A man wishes for the power of invisibility and is then quickly run over by a car as he is crossing the road in search of a changing room full of unsuspecting women.

I read the Arab folk story “Aladdin and the magic lamp” the other day.  In it Aladdin’s wishes are very straight-forward.  He is only interested in bling.  He has a huge palace constructed of diamonds and rubies, and he uses his power to win for himself the beautiful princess and a position of authority in the kingdom.  He lives happily ever after in the end, but only after attracting powerful sorcerers as enemies who constantly try to kill him or trick him into giving up his magic lamp.

I also noticed that Aladdin doesn’t even think about using his wishes to help others.  Shouldn’t he wish for at least one nice thing for the rest of us?  An end to plague, perhaps?  A new Disneyland to open up in the centre of Baghdad?  (Although the original story is set in China, perhaps because it sounded exotic to the Arabs.)

I’ve got to go now to blow my nose, while I wait for wish number 3 to be granted.  I wish you all a pleasant week.
 

Vocabulary:

to cut out – For a signal, electrical supply etc. to disconnect or stop working suddenly

hay fever – an allergy to pollen, which often causes sneezing, a runny nose etc.

modest – humble; small in scale or ambition

a genie – a mythical creature said to have magic powers, such as the ability to grant wishes to its master

grand – large in scale or ambition

compensation – A sum of money paid in exchange for loss, injury, death etc.

ominous – suggestive of coming bad consequences, evil etc.

a corpse – a dead body

to shamble – to walk in a stiff and poorly controlled manner, like a zombie

a parody – an imitation; a cheap, poor, or comic version of something

to be run over – to be hit by a car, especially when it passes over the top of the victim

bling – this is slang, meaning a garish show of wealth, jewellery etc.; over the top use of gold,jewels and other symbols of wealth

plague – terrible deadly illness

It’s not over until it is over －終わるまでには終わっていない－

The big rugby match between Scotland and Japan is now over.  Scotland thrashed the Japanese by 45 points to 10 in the Rugby World Cup this week.  As a Scot living in Japan, perhaps I ought to gloat.  But I am not that keen on any sport other than football.  I will wait until we thrash Japan in the real World Cup instead.

At least if the action is dull, we can have some fun with the commentary.  There was another sporting story in the news this week which caught my attention.  This was the death of legendary American baseball player and commentator, Yogi Berra at the age of 90.

Commentating on live sport is no doubt very difficult, as the games and events can last hours and you have to keep talking.  So it is no wonder that commentators often make verbal slips or accidentally humorous statements.  Yogi Berra was particularly remembered for this.  One of his quotes inspired the title of this blog: “It ain’t over until it’s over.”  “Ain’t” is another form of “isn’t”.  I wonder if non-native speakers of English will find it hard to spot the unintentional humour?  See if you can find it in these others from the great Yogi:

“You can observe a lot by watching.”

“The future ain’t what it used to be.”

“Baseball is 90 per cent mental.  The other half is physical.”

And just to prove that commentating is difficult the world over, here are some humorous slips from a famous British sports commentator, David Coleman:

“In a moment, we hope to see the pole-vault over the satellite.”

“He’s got his hands on his knees and holds his head in despair.”

“And the line-up for the final of the women’s 800 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman.”

Respect to sports commentators the world over, past and present. 

Vocabulary:

to thrash someone – In sport, this means to beat your opponent by a very wide margin; to give your opponent a beating

to gloat – to bring attention to one’s own success or a rival’s misfortune

dull – boring

to spot something – to notice something

A lover’s charm －恋人のチャーム－

For those of you who have a partner, can you still remember your first date?  Do you have a story about how your romance blossomed?  Did your eyes meet across a crowded room?  Were you initially more attracted to his or her best friend instead?  In the beginning, were there flowers and chocolates?  Did you chat your partner up with a line like, “What’s a girl/guy like you doing in a place like this?”

My wife still teases me because early on in our relationship, while out on a date, I stopped off at a convenience store and we stood outside, drinking orange juice.  Apparently, she was imagining candle-lit dinners instead.

Here is another way to start off a romance: “Love me, or die!”

I recently heard this song by C.W. Stoneking, an Australian blues musician, although it was first released in 2008.  It tells the story of a man who uses a voodoo charm, or a kind of dark magic spell, to capture the heart of the one he loves.  But, perhaps predictably, not everything works out as intended.  Here is part of the lyrics, with a description of vocabulary at the end.  

An extract from “The love me or die”, by C.W. Stoneking:

I studied evil, I can’t deny,　
It was a voodoo charm called the “Love me or die”. 

I will relate,
The hideous consequence of my mistake,　
All enslaved to passing desire,　
Making the dreaded “Love me or die”.

I said, “Good morning,” I tipped my hat,
All the while I was cunning like a rat.
Smiling gaily, I looked in her eye,
And felt in my pocket the love me or die.

Oh Matilda, darling,　
Why {don’t you} take my wedding ring?

Word broke through the town,
That a fever {had struck} Matilda down,
{At} 9.30 the doctor {arrived},
The priest {came} running, {at} quarter to five.

Standing in the weeds early next day,　
I heard the meat wagon rolling away.　
I saw Matilda laying in the back,　
Her mother wearing a suit of black.

Sound the trumpet, and bang the drum,
I wait for {my} judgement to come.

Flames of Hell lick at my feet.
In the shadow of the jungle I feel the heat.
Matilda’s waiting in Hell for me too,
All {because} she died from bad voodoo.

So when he used the “Love me or die” voodoo charm on her, she didn’t fall in love with him.  She died.  And now he’s waiting to join her in Hell.

Maybe he should have just invited her out to a convenience store for a date instead.

Vocabulary:

charm – attractiveness; romantic appeal

a charm – a magic spell or something with special supernatural power

to chat someone up –to attract someone romantically using skilful speech

to tease someone – to make fun of someone; to laugh at someone’s expense

voodoo – a religion or system of beliefs based in the Caribbean, in which magic and spirit possession are important

to be enslaved – to be made into a slave; to be brought completely under the control of something or someone

hideous – horrible; dreadful

to tip one’s hat – to raise or touch one’s hat as a form of greeting

cunning – sly or intelligent in a tricky way

gaily – cheerfully; brightly

a priest – a religious official

a weed – a kind of plant which is considered undesirable

a meat wagon – This is a slang term for either an ambulance or a hearse; a car which carries the bodies of dead people

judgement – a ruling on someone’s behaviour by, for example, a judge in a trial or God after death

Dear future self, always remember one thing... －拝啓、将来の私、これを覚えていてください－

Imagine that you know that you are going to die tomorrow.  Okay, now cheer up!  You are also going to be reborn into a new body.  Unfortunately, you will have to start over as a baby, and you will not remember the life you are living now.  But you are in luck!  You can leave one message to yourself in the form of a single piece of life advice.  If you have made a major mistake in this life, you can be forewarned in the next.

What advice would you leave for yourself?  It could be something very general, like: “Try to be happy.”  But that is probably not very useful.  How do you actually put that into practice?

Perhaps you would be better picking a more specific piece of advice.  If you have lost a lot of money gambling, you might advise your future self to stay well clear of Las Vegas.

The reason I have been thinking about this topic is that a relative of mine is going to give birth soon.  She asked me to write down some advice or a message for her unborn daughter.  The child will then be able to read the message some years in the future.  I found it quite difficult.  How old will she be when she reads it?  If she will be five, I might say, “If you wet the bed, you should tell your mother quickly.  Don’t try to hide it.”  But that advice might surprise her if she doesn’t read it until she is 18.

So I tried to solve the problem by thinking about it as I wrote above.  What information would I want to pass on to myself, if I could be born again?  I also wanted to avoid something too general.  So here were some ideas I had:

-“Save some money while you are still young and healthy.  You might need it later.”

-“If you are drinking by yourself, never open a third bottle of wine.  You, and your carpet, will regret it.”

-“Be cautious of red-haired women.  I don’t have time to go into all the details.”

-“Do not wear socks with holes in them to a Japanese friend’s house.  You will have to take your shoes off and it will be embarrassing.”

Okay.  Some of the above points may in fact be too specific to my life.  In the end I wrote down this advice:

-“Be careful of dentists and plumbers.  They make money by finding things to do, not by helping you avoid unnecessary work.”

Sorry to any dentists, plumbers and red-haired women who may be reading this.  I can only judge from a single life’s experience. 

Vocabulary:

to be forewarned – to be told of danger in advance

to put something into practice – to take an idea, theory etc. and try to use it in a real situation

to give birth – for a pregnant mother to release a baby into the world

to wet the bed – to release urine into one’s bed when sleeping

 

 

Cigarette trees and a never ending tub of pudding －たばこの木と食べきれないプリン－

Have you ever closed your eyes and imagined the world as you wish it could be?  Have you ever tried to picture Heaven?  Do you see people sitting on clouds and singing hymns?  Or do you perhaps imagine something more like a scene from Charlie and the Chocolate factory, with rivers of chocolate and edible grass?

A few years ago I remember reading about an American newspaper which had speculated on what Heaven might be like.  It had suggested that there might be public transport in Heaven, but without pollution, and with the vehicles driven by angels.  I couldn’t help but chuckle at the image.  Imagine a frustrated angel behind the wheel of a bus, driving people through a traffic jam.  “I’ve got wings, you know,” he mutters, lighting a cancer-free, heavenly cigarette.

An idea of a perfect world can be an escape for people facing difficulties in reality.  If your life is hard, you can always close your eyes and dream about how things should be.  But that fantasy will be different for different people.  For someone close to me, the fantasy of her childhood was a never ending tub of pudding.  You could open it and keep on eating and eating and never reach the bottom.  Simple pleasures for simple people, I suppose.

And what was the perfect fantasy land for a homeless man in 1920s America?  What was the image of Heaven for a hobo?

Fortunately, there is a song which tells us exactly that.  Harry McClintock first recorded “Big Rock Candy Mountains” in 1928, although he claimed to have first written it in the 1890s.  It tells of a homeless man’s dreams of paradise.  There are streams of alcohol, cigarettes growing on trees, and the police have a hard time chasing you on their wooden legs.

Here are some of the lyrics, with a description of vocabulary at the end.  Does it sound like Heaven to you, or would you prefer that magic tub of pudding?

 

An extract from “Big Rock Candy Mountains” by Harry McClintock (1928): 

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains there’s a land that’s fair and bright,
Where the handouts grow on bushes, and you sleep out every night,
Where the boxcars all are empty and the sun shines every day,
On the birds and the bees, and the cigarette trees,
On the lemonade spring where the bluebird sings,
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains, all the cops have wooden legs,
The bulldogs all have rubber teeth,
And the hens lay soft-boiled eggs.

 

Vocabulary:

a hymn – a religious song of praise for God or a god

edible – able to be eaten

to speculate –to guess or make theories about something unknown

to chuckle – to laugh out loud

to mutter – to say something in a low and unclear voice

a hobo – in North America, a homeless person; a tramp

a handout – something you are given as charity

a boxcar – a railway freight or cargo wagon

a cop – in North America, this is slang for a policeman or policewoman

a hen – a female chicken