Keeping up appearances, part 1 －容姿を保つこと パート1－

This is the first part of a short story I wrote a few years ago.

* 

At 5.45 am, Mr Teruya got out of his futon.  He let his wife lie in until the second alarm fifteen minutes later.  He used the time to shave and wash his face, and put his short black hair in order. 

Although in his sixty-second year, he wasn’t troubled by more than occasional grey hairs.  He put it down to a diet of rice, fish and vegetables and moderation in his habits. 

By 6.30 he was in the subway station, waiting in line for the train.  He could get a seat about half of the time.  It was early in the morning, before the rush hour really started.  But the Oedo Line trains had few carriages and even at this hour the seats quickly filled up with commuters. 

The train pulled into the station and the doors of the train and the barriers separating the train from the platform opened.  Lifting his briefcase and newspaper, Mr. Teruya entered the carriage along with the four people lined up in front of him. 

There was a slight rush as the doors opened and one of the queuing women bounded forward to capture a seat.  The middle-aged woman won her prize and took one of the few remaining spaces, immediately shuffling backwards to get comfortable.  Mr. Teruya had missed out today. 

Standing passengers could use hanging straps to steady themselves as the train moved by taking a position in front of one of the rows of seats.  They then looked down on the earlier arrivals who mostly sat sleeping or playing with their smartphones.  Mr. Teruya chose a strap and put his briefcase and newspaper away on the rack above the seats.  He looked down on the woman sitting in front of him. 

She appeared to be in her mid-forties, probably an office lady.  She had dyed brown hair, a hint of black visible at the roots.  She sported a cream coloured blouse and a long beige skirt.  Her face was wide and handsome more than cute, the skin around her eyes seeming slightly stretched.  A number of wrinkles crossed her forehead in long lines which gave her an air of prim concentration.  They were deepened by the studious attention she was paying to her smartphone. 

Mr. Teruya wondered what she was using her phone for.  She wasn’t using the buttons much.  She was reading a novel, he decided.  It was a love story, perhaps.  A story about a prim Japanese woman in her forties who is swept off her feet by a handsome stranger. 

Her eyes glanced up from the screen and briefly met his.  He hadn’t been staring too obviously and his gaze flicked away quite naturally, settling on an advertisement for a language school which could be seen above her head. 

Presently he looked at her again.  Her chest was hidden, both by the blouse and a yellow shirt which was visible beneath.  Her skin was light, as if she had spent her life with a parasol and long gloves, hiding from the sun.  Around her neck and chin her skin took on a yellowish cast from the reflected light of the phone’s display. 

Their eyes again briefly met.  This time he gave her a slight smile.  There was no apology there, no invitation.  Merely a brief acknowledgement of their shared eye line which allowed them to smoothly part gazes. 

Nakai Station pulled into view in the window behind the office lady.  A few people got off.  More got on.  The woman rested her phone on her lap and took an interest in the coming and going passengers.  She looked left and right as a few seats were opened up and then quickly filled again by the standing passengers who had been hovering nearest. 

When the train pulled away again, she turned her head to look directly at Mr. Teruya.  He returned her frank gaze and gave her his best smile.  The corners of her thin lips upturned slightly in restrained response.  Mr. Teruya revised his earlier assessment.  She was cute in her own way after all. 

Holding her smartphone in one hand, she pushed herself off the seat with the other.  Mr. Teruya stepped back a little to give her room. 

The woman gestured at the vacant seat with her free hand and looked at Mr. Teruya intently, her wrinkles sharpening in concentration. 

“Please.  Take a seat here.  I’m happy to stand.” 

Mr. Teruya didn’t let his smile slip.  He felt butterflies in his stomach and a weight pressing down on him, as if the train carriage had passed suddenly into a tunnel.  But he gave a little bow and took the seat she had offered him in deference to his age. 

It was the first time that anyone had given up their seat to him.  A few moments before he had been considering the woman’s breasts, the line of her neck.  He had wondered if she had been thinking of him too.  Apparently, she had been thinking of his cracking knee joints.

 

Vocabulary:

to put something in order – to arrange something, or make it neat and orderly

to put (an effect) down to (a cause) – to decide or explain that the reason for (an effect) was (a cause)

a carriage – one part of a train which is like a room, divided from the other parts with doors

to bound forward – to jump forward quickly

to sport (a blouse) – to wear or display (a blouse)

to have an air of (prim concentration) – to have a slight atmosphere suggestive of (prim concentration)

to be swept off your feet – to be suddenly involved in a powerful romance

to have butterflies in your stomach – usually because of nervousness, to have a strange feeling in your stomach, as if many butterflies were flying around inside

 

Let the British Eat Cake －イギリス人は（パンがなければ）ケーキを食べればいいじゃない－

The British Conservative party is now choosing a new leader, who will become Britain’s new Prime Minister.  They will not have to face a general election for another two years. 

To become leader of the Conservative Party, the candidates have to be selected by the members of the Conservative Party, not the general public.  Conservative Party members tend to be older, richer and more right-wing than the general British public.  So all of the candidates are promising more and more tax cuts for rich people if they are selected.  This is despite the fact that the country is facing high inflation, high levels of borrowing, and a cost of living crisis for working class families. 

Here is how the debate sounds to me: 

A:  If you make me Prime Minister, I will spend less on schools, policing and hospitals.  With the money saved, I will provide free strawberries and cream for hard working entrepreneurs, and rich people. 

B:  That’s a stupid idea.  We cannot cut money to schools, policing and hospitals at this difficult time.  Instead, I will steal money from our children and grandchildren, and give it to the elderly.  Also, I will remove taxes on Champagne and caviar to boost the economy. 

C:  That’s crazy, totally crazy.  If I am chosen to be Prime Minister, I will dress up as Margaret Thatcher, and bring back Britain’s hungry spirit by making poor people hungrier.  Then I will start a war against a small and weak country so that we can all feel nostalgic about having once had an empire.

 

The Greatest Movie Sequels Never Made－まだ作られていない名作映画の続編－

Recently there has been a spate of sequels to old movies which were box office hits in the 1980s.  One of my favourite ever movies is Blade Runner, made in 1982.  It recently had a disappointing sequel, Blade Runner 2049.  And this year sees the release of Top Gun: Maverick, in which the 60 year old Tom Cruise revisits a character he last played in 1986. 

Clearly the movie studios are trying to sell nostalgia.  People who grew up in the 1980s may associate these classic movies with their happier, brighter lives as youngsters. 

So, if this trend continues, what other movie sequels can we expect to see?  Will these movies soon be appearing in a cinema near you?:

 

1 – When Harry Divorced Sally 

In the 1989 film, “When Harry Met Sally”, Meg Ryan’s character and Billy Crystal’s character take 12 long years to fall in love after their first meeting.  In this sequel, they will take 12 long years to get divorced, slowly realising each other’s faults.  This is a gritty human drama.

 

2 – ET2: Stopped at Immigration 

In the 1982 original, a cute extra terrestrial is helped by a child to “go home” – to escape Earth and the American government which wants to study him.  In this sequel, ET changes his mind and comes back to Earth, but Donald Trump won’t let him enter America and tells him to go home.  This is a political thriller.

 

3 – Back to the Future, part 4: Back to the 1980s 

Marty McFly must travel back to the 1980s to save his tamagotchi, which his great rival Biff wants to kill.  Using the technology of the day, such as the Sony Walkman, his synthesizers, and a glow in the dark yo-yo, Marty must save the day.  This is a nostalgia piece.

 

Vocabulary:

a spate of something – a large number of similar things coming in quick succession (For example: There has been a spate of mass shootings in the U.S. recently.)

gritty – tough and realistic, not hiding unpleasant truths or scenes

 

It’s a Cat’s Life －猫の人生である－

Recently I have been reading Natsume Soseki’s classic novel, “I am a Cat”.  The narrator – a nameless cat – makes many observations about life and human society.  Here are a few I have picked out. 

1 – On sleep.  What does a housecat, who sits about most of the day napping have to say about his tendency to sleep more than the humans around him? 

“If the Creator should take the line that I am born to work and not to sleep, I would agree that I am indeed born to work but I would also make the unanswerable point that I cannot work unless I also rest. Even my master, that timid but complaining [cranky teacher], sometimes though it costs him money, takes a weekday off. I am no human cog. I am a cat, a being sensitive to the most subtle shades of thought and feeling. Naturally, I tire more quickly than my master. Naturally, I need more sleep.” 

2 – On teachers.  This cat’s master is an English teacher, and the cat observes him closely.  What is his opinion of the honoured teaching profession? 

“There are times when even I, a mere cat, can put two thoughts together. Teachers have it easy. If you are born a human, it's best to become a teacher. For if it's possible to sleep this much and still to be a teacher, why, even a cat could teach" However, according to the master, there's nothing harder than a teacher's life...” 

3 – On making fun of others.  This cat’s master and his friends, especially Waverhouse, spend much time teasing each other and making fun of their neighbors and acquaintances.  What does a cat, a solitary creature by nature, make of this human habit? 

“No matter how skilled the teaser, his efforts will be wasted if the teasee happens to be as dull (or as intelligent) as a camel. Of course, should the victim happen to be as inordinately strong as a lion or a tiger, the teaser will quickly find himself involved in the yet more total disappointment of being ripped to shreds.” 

4 – On dreams.  If our dreams reveal our secret desires, what does a cat dream of? 

“There came an afternoon when, taking my usual snooze on the veranda, I dreamt I was a tiger. “Bring me,” I growl at my master, “buckets brimming with chicken meat,” which he, crawling toward me in a pleasing tremble of terror, immediately supplied. Waverhouse then appeared and I promptly snarl, “Get yourself down to the Wild Goose Restaurant, for I want, and you shall fetch, goose flesh of the best.” 

5 – On philosophy.  What are the limits to an observant cat’s knowledge? 

“True. I know almost everything about almost everything. Perhaps the only thing I don't know all about is the real extent of my own foolishness. But even on that, I can make a pretty good guess.”

 

Vocabulary:

the Creator – God; the creator of the universe

to take the line that… - to argue or maintain that…

to be cranky – to be irritable, or to have a difficult personality

a mere (cat) – a humble (cat); just a (cat)

to be dull – to be unintelligent or slow-witted

inordinately – extremely

to be ripped to shreds – literally, to be destroyed and left in pieces, like a sheet of paper which is repeatedly torn by hand

a snooze – a light nap

I’m So Cute, I Could Just Marry Myself －私は可愛すぎて、自分と結婚できるわ－

“Mirror, mirror on the wall – Who’s the fairest of them all?”

From “Snow White”

 

“Never marry at all, Dorian.  Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.”

Oscar Wilde, from, “The Picture of Dorian Gray”

 

In India recently, a 24 year-old woman married herself.  She put on a traditional red bridal dress, had her hair powdered and oiled, invited friends and family for music and dancing to celebrate.  Then she walked seven times around a sacred fire to complete the ceremony. 

“I will be dedicating my life to self love,” the new bride told the media.  “Self-marriage is a commitment to being there for yourself… It’s my way of showing that I’m accepting of all the different parts of me, especially the parts of myself that I have tried to deny or disown, such as my weaknesses.” 

After the wedding, the bride treated herself to a two week honeymoon in Goa. 

I just hope the relationship is strong enough to survive some of the problems that can arise within a marriage.  How would the bride react if her beloved marriage partner one day had an affair? 

A Scottish Wedding on the Run －スコットランドで駆け落ち婚－

Parents don’t always approve of their child’s decision of a marriage partner.  This is especially true if there is a big age gap between the two lovers. 

A young person who is determined to marry someone that their parents disapprove of might have to run away from home to get married.  In the mid 18^th century, it became common for young English people in this situation to run away to Scotland to get married.  The law in England stated that people under the age of 21 needed their parents’ permission to wed, and the wedding could only take place in a church.  In Scotland, however, a young adult did not need their parents’ permission, and didn’t even need to find a church.  So many English couples who could not get the permission of a parent crossed the border into Scotland to marry.  The nearest village on the road from England was Gretna Green, and it became famous for holding many of these run-away marriages. 

I fear that my own son is planning to run away to Scotland to get married, since his mother and I do not approve of his chosen partner.  I can’t accept a wedding between them, because the age gap is insurmountable.  The woman is a nursery teacher in her thirties, and my son is just five. 

My son apparently said to his favourite female nursery teacher, “I will take you to Scotland.  Why don’t you come with me?” 

His teacher laughed, and agreed.  Later, she told us the story. 

We didn’t mention anything to our son about it, but it seems he is really taking the idea seriously.  When he was sitting at the dinner table, he started muttering to himself. 

“But I might wet my pants on the plane..” 

He is clearly thinking through some of the difficulties of his plan.  I hope he sees sense and reconsiders.  When he posts his wedding photos on Facebook, what will the neighbors say?

 

Vocabulary:

to be insurmountable – too great to be overcome (For example, “We will never succeed.  The problems are insurmountable.”)

to mutter – to say something in a low or hard to hear voice, especially in dissatisfaction or irritation

 

The A toZ of Dates to Avoid: A －AからZまでのダメダメデート：A編－

My wife recently told me about a Japanese podcaster who warned against dating three kinds of men: creators, cameramen, and curry enthusiasts. 

People who work in creative fields such as artists or influencers probably don’t have a regular salary.  You never know when a cameraman might be secretly filming you!  And curry enthusiasts, who have a dozen different types of spice and always have a new curry stewing in the pot, are probably a bit of a bother to live with. 

The name of the podcast is “Over the Sun,” in case you would like to hear about the three ‘C’s you must avoid when dating men (in Japanese). 

I liked the idea of giving dating warnings by letter.  So I will start with some warnings about the three ‘A’s of women you should avoid dating, in my experience.

 

1 – Astrology believers 

“I never liked her anyway, because she is a Libra, and, of course, I don’t get on with Libras.” 

Leave before your house fills up with healing crystals and the smell of incense.  You cannot reason with someone who believes in magic.

 

2 – Always prattling 

“You’ll never guess what happened at work today – Jenny, that’s the new girl, ate three cookies, and these were chocolate cookies, which are my favourite – you know when you open one packet, you’re already thinking about opening another – and anyway…” 

My ears are tired just thinking about it.  Never date someone who talks without using full stops.

 

3 – Anime geeks

“Before coming to the bedroom, Darling, could you put on your ninja costume.  I’ll just go and get my cat ears.” 

Actually, to be honest, I could probably live with this problem.  But living with an anime geek may involve a lot of hard work doing cosplay and searching for rare plastic figurines in Akihabara.

 

Other ‘A’s to be careful of include “Ant keepers,” “Acroyoga addicts,” and “Axe throwers.”

 

Vocabulary:

an enthusiast – someone who gets very excited or enthusiastic about one hobby or activity

an influencer – someone, often on Youtube or TikTok, who makes money by attracting followers on a social media platform

to prattle – to talk at length about unimportant or irrelevant topics or details

a figurine – a small model representing a character, person, animal, etc