Dreaming of a White House Christmas －ホワイトハウスのクリスマスを夢見ているよ－

“And what would you most like for Christmas, Tiny Tina?”

The seven year-old American girl answers, “Peace on Earth.”

Tina’s mother frowns.  “Okay, but can you think of anything more, like, achievable?  How about a doll or a yo-yo?”

“Could I get in touch with Santa?”

***

In America, apparently, children can call a special phone number on Christmas Eve to find out where Santa is.  The American military claims to track Santa with radar and satellite systems as he and his reindeer fly across the sky.  So if American children call in, they will be told, “Santa was last spotted flying over Greenland,” or something similar.  It sounds to me like a weird propaganda operation which uses Santa as bait to make American children fall in love with spy satellites, radar, and the American military.

But anyway, some of the children who call the number are occasionally instead put through to the White House to talk to the American president.  This is obviously a propaganda operation which uses Santa as bait to make children, and people who like children, fall in love with the White House and the American president.

What would Obama have said during one of these phone calls?  “Merry Christmas, little Tina!  What do you want from Santa?  Do you want to be President some day?  Yes, you can!”

The trouble, of course, is that Obama is not President.  Even if you are a huge supporter of Donald Trump, you will probably agree that heartwarming interviews with cute 7 year-old girls are not the current president’s strong point.  I wonder what the White House staff said to him about the interviews beforehand?  “Just keep it short and simple, Mr. President.  Don’t say anything negative.  Don’t say that Santa doesn’t exist.  Oh – And if a small boy with a Russian accent says that all he wants for Christmas is the American nuclear codes, don’t tell him.”

You may have heard that in such a phone call this Christmas Eve, Mr. Trump said to one seven year-old girl, “Do you still believe in Santa?”  When she said that she did, the unsatisfied President pushed her further, saying, “Because at 7, it’s marginal, right?”  At least he didn’t tell her the secret nuclear codes.

I wonder if the White House staff were thinking, “I’m dreaming of a White House Christmas, just like the ones we used to know”?

Vocabulary:

to track something – to follow and note the movements of something

to be spotted – to be seen and noticed

bait – In activities such as fishing and hunting, something used to attract an animal so that it can be more easily caught

to be put through – In a phone call, to be redirected or transferred to another person or department

marginal – Having a small difference between two points [such as belief in Santa and disbelief in Santa]

If Santa did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him －もしサンタさんが存在しないなら、サンタさんを発明しなければならない－

“I believe!”

A principal at an elementary school where a teacher denied the existence of Santa

The French philosopher Voltaire once remarked that belief in God was so psychologically important for mankind that, even if we could prove that God didn’t exist, it would be better to pretend that he did.

It occurred to me today that Western societies seem to have made the same judgement about Santa Claus.  Of course every smart person and even a few French philosophers know that Santa Claus is real.  But there are some cynical people who choose not to believe in him.  Society, quite rightly, harshly punishes these people.

This month a substitute teacher working in New Jersey in America told a class of six and seven year olds that Santa did not exist.  The school principal told parents that she was “troubled and disheartened” by the incident.  The teacher was told that she could never work in the school again.

I heard of a school in Japan where parents were summoned to a meeting with their children’s teacher.  The teacher scolded them for allowing their kids to believe in Santa when they were old enough to go to elementary school.  She had done a survey of class beliefs and had been furious when over half the class reported that they believed in Santa.

What made this teacher angry, and what made the American substitute teacher try to burst the bubble of wonder the children had built around Santa?  My guess is that they have been deeply disappointed by their own lives.  They experience no wonder in their lives, no magic.  So they feel jealous when they see the joy and excitement in the children’s faces, and want to crush their dreams.  This is a worrying attitude for a teacher of young children to have, and so it is right that they should be banned from teaching.

I used to get very excited before Christmas.  My dad would help us to leave out a glass of whiskey and some salted nuts for Santa – either Santa or the reindeer shared very similar tastes in late-night snacks with my dad.  Then I would barely sleep before rushing out of bed at 5 o’clock in the morning to see if Santa had come.

Life contains enough hard realities.  If there were no fat postman delivering toys to children around the world, using a team of faster than light reindeer, then we would have to invent him.

If you have to go outside on Christmas Eve this year, don’t forget to put on a hat.  More than a few people have had their Christmas ruined when they were hit on the head by reindeer droppings.

Vocabulary:

a principal – a head-teacher

cynical – tending to see a dark or selfish reason for human actions; distrustful of things which appear innocent or pure

to scold someone – to angrily tell someone off for their bad behaviour

furious – very angry

to be ruined – to be spoiled; to go very badly

Sorry seems to be the easiest word－ごめんねって言うのは、一番楽な言葉だね－

I am sorry for eating all of the chocolate in the shared snack box.

Sorry is a word which has great power.  I am always encouraging my young son to say sorry.  If he is screaming because he can’t get what he wants, and his parents are refusing to give him what he wants, then we are stuck in a bad situation.  When he says sorry for screaming unreasonably, we can reset our relations and move forward.  But my son is a very young child.  In the adult world, should we let people say sorry when they have done something wrong, and let that apology erase their misbehaviour and reset relations?

A story in the news recently about some Christian nuns – female officials of a church – who stole 500,000 dollars made me think about saying sorry.  The two nuns were working as the head-teacher and teacher at a Christian school run by the local church.  They managed to steal tuition fees and donations from the school’s bank account over a period of around ten years.  They used the money to fund gambling trips to Las Vegas.  Have you ever noticed that people who cheat their companies out of huge amounts of money often seem to lose most of it gambling?  Maybe they just get used to taking risks.

Usually when people are caught stealing 500,000 dollars, they are arrested and sent to jail.  But in this case, the religious school was quoted as saying that, “while the police have been informed, no criminal action will be brought.”  The priest in charge of the nuns’ church was quoted as saying, “The sisters have expressed to me and asked that I convey to you the deep remorse they each feel for their actions and ask for your forgiveness and prayers.”  In other words, they said sorry so we are not going to punish them.

If the nuns were two years old, that would be a sensible response to their crime.  But they are adults.  They must have known that by stealing the money, students at the school would lose out.  Perhaps the school couldn’t afford improved textbooks or a school trip.  And more importantly, punishment is not really about getting revenge on the criminal.  It is about setting an example so that the same crime is less likely to happen again.  If two other nuns with a gambling habit read this story, are they more likely or less likely to steal, knowing that they can just say sorry and all will be forgiven?

Ps. Dear wife, if you are reading this, could you put some more chocolate in the shared snack box?

Vocabulary:

to erase something – to completely remove something

misbehaviour – bad or actions

tuition fees – money paid for a student’s lessons

a donation – money given as a gift or charity

“no criminal action will be brought” – We will not try to have [them] punished by the courts

to convey something – to express; to make known

remorse – deep regret or guilt for one’s actions

A few days in the life of a blind single father －目の見えないシングルファザーの数日の出来事－

I was sitting at the living room table, facing my two-year old son.  He was in his high-chair, with his bowl of natto (sticky, fermented soy beans) and rice untouched in front of him.  Normally my wife helps him eat his dinner.  But she was sick and had to rest, and so the duties of taking my son to the nursery, and bathing and feeding him fell to me.  Unfortunately, like many toddlers, he is in a rebellious phase and often refusess to do things, or makes life difficult for his parents.  I wondered if I could get him to eat his dinner, and without making a mess.

Let’s try cheerful optimism, I thought.  “Mmmm...  That looks lovely!” I said.  “Natto and rice – What a lucky boy!”

He ignored me and started bashing his fork on the table.  Since I’m blind, I couldn’t see if he was just making a noise or throwing the food around.  I’d better deal with this fast, I thought.

Okay, let’s try some child psychology.  “Oh, you don’t want your food then?  If you don’t want it then Daddy will eat it.”  I picked up some natto and rice from his bowl and ate it myself.  “No, no.  None for you.  It’s all for Daddy.”

I hoped he would cry and demand that I give him his bowl back.  Instead, he picked up his plate of vegetables and handed it cheerfully to me.  “Daddy!” he said, happy to have found a way to get rid of his unwanted food.

Okay, I thought.  Generally we try to get him to put the food into his own mouth, but perhaps today would be a good day to be pragmatic and compromise.  “Let’s play a game!  This spoon is a train.  Your mouth is a tunnel.  Daddy will drive the train into the tunnel.  Open wide!  Chugga-chugga-chug.”  I scooped up some natto and rice, felt his mouth with my free hand, and guided the spoon into his mouth.  I repeated this again and again, continuing to make train noises.  And it seemed to be working.  He opened his mouth, waited for the “train” to arrive, and took the food into his mouth.  Little by little the pile of natto and rice in the bowl got smaller.  I began to worry that he wasn’t chewing his food properly, since he seemed to be swallowing it very quickly.  But I was proud of my cleverness.  “My wife complains about how hard it is to get him to eat, but all you need are a few clever tactics,” I said to myself.

Eventually we finished and I told him what a good boy he had been.  Then I reached over to help him take off his apron.  My hand touched something sticky.  Then it touched something else sticky.  Then my hand plunged into a huge pile of stickiness.  The entire bowl of natto and rice, now also mixed with his drool, had dropped onto his apron, the high-chair, the floor, and all over.  He had been letting the food into his mouth, and then silently spitting it out again a few seconds later.  Because I couldn’t see what he was doing, I hadn’t noticed.

I had a few days full of little incidents and difficulties such as this with my son.  When I took him for a shower, I needed to free my hands to fetch some soap.  So I left the shower head on the wall.  I was getting annoyed by my son’s crying until I realised that the water was running straight into his face and he couldn’t breathe.  I battled for twenty minutes to get him to put his legs into his pyjama trouser legs, with him crying and kicking the whole time, before I realised that I was trying to force his legs into the sleeves of his pyjama top.

I hope that it will get easier to do these things when my son can talk a bit more.  He will be able to tell me when I am doing something wrong.  Until then I hope I don’t have too many more experiences of being a blind single father.  It’s hard.  I am happy to say that my wife is feeling better.  I can go back to shopping for groceries, cooking dinner, and hanging up and folding away the laundry, which are my regular household chores.  It’s chicken and rice tonight.  I don’t feel like natto.

Vocabulary:

a rebellious phase – a period when someone often resists control or authority

to make a mess – to make things untidy or disordered

optimism – hopefulness about the future or the success of something

to bash something – to hit something 

pragmatic – dealing with things in a realistic and practical way, not insisting on principles or ideology

compromise – give and take; a willingness to give things up in a negotiation

to scoop – to pick things up with a wide object like a spoon

to chew – to use one’s teeth to break up food into small pieces

to swallow – to let food or drink drop from the back of one’s mouth into one’s throat

to plunge into something – to fall, jump, move etc. deeply into something

drool – saliva dropping from one’s mouth

A road to the remote －人里離れた場所への道－

“The remotest place on Earth can sometimes be the most attractive place on Earth, especially in times when our belief in humanity is lost.”

Turkish writer, Mehmet Murat Ildan

I saw an article recently about a village in the Netherlands which is suffering from too much tourism.  It is a quaint, picturesque village with old-fashioned windmills and dykes.  But according to local residents, it is being overrun by bus-loads of foreign tourists.  They tramp through the locals’ gardens, take photographs of the locals as they work, drop litter and then leave.  They rarely even spend any money.

For a village that would rather be left alone, what options are there?  How about this?  The villagers get together and pray to God to save them from the unwanted contact from the outside world.  God will then cover the village in mist and make it disappear.  It will be unreachable from the outside, except for one day in every 100 years.  You see, God thinks of everything.  In his plan, there will be very occasional chances to bring in some fresh air and have the rubbish collected by the bin-men.

Villages or islands which vanish and reappear are quite common in folk tales.  But perhaps the most famous vanishing village was invented for a 1940s musical – Brigadoon.  In that story, the villagers of Brigadoon in the Scottish Highlands are worried that the outside world is encroaching too much into their home and changing their traditional way of life.  So the only way they can save their culture is to make their village vanish.  In the story, an American tourist finds the village and falls in love with the bagpipes, whiskey, Highland dancing, and a local girl, and so decides to stay.

But is the idea of cutting yourself off from the rest of the world to preserve your culture realistic?  I would say that it probably isn’t.  A few hundred people is too small a number to retain a high level of culture.  People would also very quickly have to start marrying their cousins and close relatives, due to the lack of other options.  But perhaps there is a balance to be found between being too remote, and being too easily accessed.  If there was no motorway to the picturesque Dutch village then buses of lazy tourists wouldn’t go there to take a few pictures before being driven on to a buffet lunch down the road.  If you had to catch a train, or drive a rented car up narrow roads, then more committed tourists would arrive, and probably stay for lunch.  Perhaps its important not just to think of what roads must be built to make access easier, but what roads shouldn’t be built, in order to keep access sufficiently difficult.

Vocabulary:

quaint – attractively unusual or old-fashioned

picturesque – of a place or building, beautiful to look at, especially in an old-fashioned or unusual way

a dyke – a long wall built to prevent flooding from the sea

to be overrun – to be occupied and dominated by large numbers

to tramp – to walk heavily or noisily

litter – rubbish or unwanted items left on the ground

bin-men – men whose job is to collect and remove household rubbish from bins or plastic bags

to vanish – to disappear suddenly and completely

to encroach – to enter where you have no right to; to intrude on someone’s territory, personal life etc.

A soldier of the Queen’s guide to drink, sun, marriage and death ー女王陛下の軍人から、酒、日差し、結婚と死についてのアドバイスー

Britain seems to be in a permanent political crisis.  Many supporters of Brexit appear to think we can turn the clock back to a glorious British past, when British soldiers defended the largest empire in history.

So I thought I would take a look back and see whether life really was as glorious for the British in the old days as they suggest.  Rudyard Kipling interviewed British soldiers in India in the 1880s.  He collected some of the advice he heard from them and turned it into a song, or poem, called “The Young British Soldier”.  Some of the advice was to avoid strong drink, always wear your sun-hat in India, to marry an older sensible woman instead of a young pretty one who would cheat on you, and to shoot yourself if you were left wounded in Afghanistan.  Does it still sound glorious?

I have edited Kipling’s song by making it shorter and changing some lyrics to remove difficult words and slang.

An edited version of “The Young British Soldier,” by Rudyard Kipling (1890):

When the half-made recruit goes out to the East,
He acts like a babe and he drinks like a beast,
And he wonders because he is often deceased,
Before he’s fit to serve as a soldier,
A soldier of the Queen.

First mind you stay clear of the drink sellers’ huts,
For they sell you sharp knives that rot out your guts,
Drink that would eat through the steel of your gun butts,
And it’s bad for the young British soldier,
A soldier of the Queen.

But the worst of your foes is the sun overhead,
You must wear your helmet for all that is said:
If he finds you uncovered he’ll knock you down dead,
And you’ll die like a fool of a soldier.
A soldier of the Queen.

Now, if you must marry, take care she is old:
A troop-sergeant’s widow’s the nicest I’m told,
For beauty won’t help if your meals are served cold,
And love’s not enough for a soldier,
A soldier of the Queen.

If the wife should go wrong with a comrade, don’t dare,
To shoot when you catch them, you’ll hang – that I swear,
Make him take her and keep her, that’s hell for the pair,
And you’re done with the curse of a soldier,
A soldier of the Queen.

When first under fire and you’re wishful to duck,
Don’t look or pay mind to the man that is struck,
Be thankful you’re living, and trust to your luck,
And march to your front like a soldier,
A soldier of the Queen.

When you’re wounded and left on Afghanistan’s plains,
And the women come out to cut up what remains,
Just roll to your rifle and blow out your brains,
And go to your God like a soldier,
A soldier of the Queen.


Vocabulary:

a crisis – a time of great difficulty or danger

to turn the clock back – to go back to an earlier time, an earlier way of doing things etc.

sensible – not foolish; practical and realistic

half-made – unfinished; not fully trained

deceased - dead

fit to serve – sufficiently good or able to serve

to mind something – to remember or be careful to do something

to rot something – to make something living become bad, diseased, damaged etc.

a gun-butt – the hard wooden base of an old-fashioned gun

a foe – an enemy

a widow – a woman whose husband has died

a comrade – of a soldier, another soldier fighting on the same side

to dare – to make a bold or risky decision to do something

to be under fire – to be in a state where others are shooting at you

to duck – to lower your head to avoid being hit by something; to try to avoid being hit, shot etc.

I want convenience, just not this much －コンビニエンスがほしい。でもこんなにはいらない。－

“Too much love will kill you,

Just as sure as none at all.”

From the Queen song, “Too much love will kill you”.

For around five years now I have been teaching English to a student who is a little unusual.  She doesn’t own a computer.  She doesn’t own a mobile phone.  If I want her to read a lesson plan before the lesson, I have to print it out and give it to her a week in advance, rather than just sending an email.  If something suddenly comes up and I would like to re-arrange a lesson, I have to call her landline and leave a message on her answering machine.  In the heart of Tokyo, surrounded by vending machines and fast food restaurants and all-night stores, it feels a little strange to be dealing with someone who can’t be quickly reached.

On the other hand, I can see the temptation to turn one’s back on some modern conveniences.  A different student of mine said to me the other day that convenience stores were springing up around her apartment like mushrooms.  She lives a ten minute walk away from her local train station.  There are already four convenience stores on the road between her apartment and the station.  Last week she saw a notice on the wall of a construction site on the road.  It said that the site would soon be occupied by a new convenience store.  Does anyone need to pass five convenience stores in a ten minute walk?  What inconvenient thing could happen to you in the two minutes since you saw the last one?

Convenience is generally good.  But still, you can have too much of a good thing.  If you don’t believe me, think of the Queen song, “Too much love will kill you”.  Love is great, but have too much of it and it will lower your life-expectancy!  Convenience is great but have too much of it and it will lower your IQ and self-reliance.

I remember going on a night out in Osaka with my flatmate when we lived together in a small town, between Kobe and Osaka.  When we missed our last train home, we decided to walk back in the dark alongside the train tracks.  From memory, it took us about five or six hours to walk home.  But we were supremely confident that nothing bad could happen to us because we were bound to pass dozens of all-night convenience stores along the way.  And so we did, stopping for a drink, or to use the bathroom, or to eat some weird cheese snacks, or to ask for directions, many times before we made it home.  If it weren’t for those convenience stores we might have learned some discipline, and planned our night out a little more carefully.  And we might have gotten home and stopped drinking much earlier.  Too many weird cheese snacks and too much convenience can kill you.

Vocabulary:

in advance – before some planned event

to reach someone – to successfully contact someone

a temptation – a desire to do something, especially if it is wrong or unwise

to turn one’s back on something – to give up on something and avoid it

to spring up – to appear or grow suddenly, like a fast-growing plant

self-reliance – the ability to do things for oneself

one’s flatmate – someone who shares an apartment with one

from memory – As far as I can remember

bound to – almost certain to

Noticing the moss all around －辺り一面の苔に気づくこと－

“In the end, you won’t remember the time you spent in the office or mowing your lawn.  Climb that goddam mountain!”

Jack Kerouac

“Travel and society polish [a person], but a rolling stone gathers no moss, and a little moss is good on a man.”
John Burroughs

I never could have believed that the loss of a doughnut shop and a coffee shop could leave me so disturbed.

I went to a branch of Doutor – a well known chain of coffee shops in Japan – and tried to settle down for my regular Friday morning coffee.  Then one of the staff members said, “Thanks for your regular custom.  By the way, this is the last month we will be open.  This branch will close in November.”

“Oh,” I said.  “That’s too bad.  I’ll have to find another coffee shop.”

This happened just a few days after I learned that the local branch of Mister Donut would close.  I used to go there once every two months or so, when I needed a little sweet treat and free coffee refills to pick me up.

I have become as predictable in my habits as an old man.  I remember my grandfather eating regularly in the same cafe, ordering the same bacon roll, and drinking the same brand of gin.  “Ah, that’s old age,” I thought.  Now I too drink coffee in the same place, cook the same meals for dinner, and drink the same brand of sho-chu.  Well, my grandfather lived into his nineties and remained mentally sharp until the end, so maybe having regular habits is not a bad thing.  But it is very different from the ideal life I imagined when I was younger.

I never used to stay in the same place for very long.  I lived in Glasgow, then Edinburgh, then Osaka, then Kobe, then Kyoto, then Shanghai, then Saitama... and so on.  My idea was that a new environment would always refresh the mind and soul.  I dreamed of one day taking the Trans-Siberian Railroad from the edge of the Pacific Ocean to Europe.  I wanted to hike the pilgrim’s route of 88 temples in Shikoku.  I wanted to see the Golden Horn of Istanbul.  Instead, I somehow found myself drinking coffee in the same coffee shop every Friday and trying to refresh my soul with an occasional doughnut.  Let me tell you that this does not stir the soul quite as much as taking a night train from Shanghai to Wuhan, and eating spiced duck necks with some random local passengers you meet along the way.

I felt a little disturbed by the closure of two chain restaurants in my area not because I loved their products so much, but because it made me realise how predictable my habits have become.  It made me aware of the slowing down of my life, and the bit by bit replacement of adventure with mundane regularity.  Perhaps I ought not to worry so much about repeating the same actions over and over again.  Whether it is drunk in Istanbul, or Shanghai, or Vladivostok, or Tokyo, a coffee is still enjoyable to drink.  And who doesn’t like doughnuts or sho-chu?  Man began life as a nomadic hunter-gatherer, and eventually learned to settle down in the same place and grow his own food.  Settleing down in the same place is more successful and satisfying in the long term.  Isn’t it?

Vocabulary:

to mow one’s lawn – to cut the grass in one’s garden

to polish something – to make something smooth and shiny by wiping it clean; to improve something

disturbed – not right or out of place

to settle down – to rest or stop in one place with the intention of staying there for a long time

a pilgrim – someone making a journey for religious or spiritual reasons

to stir something – to move or inspire something

mundane – commonplace and uninteresting

nomadic – of a person or people, living life without a permanent home and often moving around

The paralysing effects of Gaijinphobia －ガイジン恐怖症による麻痺の効果－

A phobia is an irrational fear.  They come in many different types, and they all cause problems.  For example, acrophobia is a fear of heights.  Someone who suffers from it may not be able to climb a tower or walk across a narrow bridge.  Claustrophobia is an irrational fear of small spaces.  Someone who suffers from it may not be able to enter a lift.  I would like to propose a new type of phobia: gaijinphobia.

“Gaijin” is the Japanese word for foreigner.  So gaijinphobia means a fear of foreigners.  There is already a similar word – xenophobia.  But xenophobia is usually used to mean dislike of or prejudice towards people from another country, like racism is a dislike of or prejudice against people of a different race.  I imagine gaijinphobia to be a little different, and less nasty.  It should mean a fear of talking to foreigners, especially for someone brought up in an island nation like Japan, which is a little cut off from the rest of the world.

I’ll give you an example.  Before I became blind I often used to go into coffee shops in Japan to relax and read a newspaper.  I would go up to the counter to order.  As I approached the counter I would sometimes see a look of panic in the staff member who was getting ready to take my order.  I could almost see them thinking, “Oh no – a gaijin!  Please don’t speak to me in English!  Please don’t cause me any embarrassment!”

It should not be hard to order a drink in a coffee shop.  Most of the vocabulary needed is basically the same in English as in Japanese – hot coffee/ hotto kohii and iced tea/ aisu tii, for example.  But when I tried to order the staff member would often be so nervous that they couldn’t understand whether I was saying hot or iced, or coffee or tea.  Their gaijinphobia was paralysing them with fear.  I don’t think it is a reason to get angry.  I find it kind of funny.

So I had to laugh when I read about an even more serious instance of gaijinphobia this week.  A staff member at Shinjuku Gyoen National Garden was caught letting foreigners in for free.  Everyone was supposed to pay 200 yen to enter.  An investigation revealed that he had been doing this for years.  He had let thousands of foreigners into the garden for free, resulting in lost revenue of 25 million yen, or nearly 200,000 pounds.

When he was asked to explain his actions, he said that he had once been shouted at by a foreigner.  He had developed a deep fear of talking to foreigners, and so got around the problem by just waving them all into the gardens for free.

So you see that gaijinphobia is a less nasty word than xenophobia or racism.  It sometimes works out quite well for the gaijin.

Vocabulary:

irrational – not logical or reasonable

to propose something – to suggest something

prejudice – unfair opinion, not based on evidence; having a pre-conceived idea about something

nasty – very unpleasant or bad

The Karuizawa rap ー軽井沢ラップー

My wife walked ahead of me, pushing our two-year old son in his pram.  I held onto her shoulder as we wandered around, looking for somewhere to rest and eat.  Our legs and minds were weary, as if we had been travelling hard for days.  All around us, people shuffled slowly about in twos, threes or fours.  Everyone seemed lost and weary, like prisoners who had abandoned all hope.  Just then some loud music boomed out from the speaker system.  There was an electronic drumbeat like a machine gun and a rapper started spitting out terrible lyrics, full of swearing, hatred and promises to kill.  We were in an open-air shopping centre in Karuizawa, and it was a bright, sunny day.

There is something strange about the music played at shopping centres in Japan.  I have noticed before that they often play fast, angry hip-hop.  The lyrics are rarely appropriate for a happy family outing.  “I f****** killed that b**** then I shot a copPop!  Pop!  Pop!”

I used to think that the person who chose the music just happened to like hip-hop and couldn’t understand the inappropriate English lyrics.  But in that shopping centre in Karuizawa I realised that they were doing it on purpose.  We were looking for a specific restaurant – a branch of a Hawaiian style burger chain.  We knew it was there somewhere but couldn’t find it.  There were a few maps in the shopping centre, but they were not clearly marked.  None of the maps showed where you were.  It seemed like they preferred people to be lost.  That way, shoppers would walk round and round looking for something, and pass many shops they wouldn’t otherwise have gone to.  In the same way, I thought, perhaps they are playing fast, violent music with threatening lyrics because they want people to be stressed out.  To relieve their stress they might run into a shop and buy something.  That’s the theory of retail therapy.  Buying something gives you a momentary feeling of control and calm.

We eventually found the burger store.  It was the first day of our trip to Karuizawa – the first family vacation for myself, my wife and our two-year old son.  With one blind adult, one wild toddler and one more adult (with an egg allergy), it was quite difficult at times.  At the hotel buffet meals, my wife had to run around to get food for three people (no eggs), and we had to wolf it down before my son got tired and started screaming.

But we had a good time.  The hotel had a large, heated family bath we enjoyed together.  And we found an amazing roast chicken restaurant called Kastanie.  It was the tastiest meal I’ve had in a long time.  The weather was good and we played with a ball in the park.  The best thing for my son was the pair of room slippers in the hotel.  He found a mini pair just for him and marched around the room happily, taking them off and putting them on again.

Hopefully, this was the first vacation of many together.  I can already picture our next trip, wandering around a shopping centre in Osaka, searching for a speciality restaurant that makes okonomiyaki without eggs, all the while listening to violent rap.

Vocabulary:

weary - tired

to shuffle – to walk slowly and clumsily

to boom out – for a sound to be made loudly and powerfully

open-air – without a roof

an outing – a trip; an excursion

to happen to (like) – to (like) by chance

stressed out – to be anxious, tired and irritable because of too much pressure

retail therapy – the idea of relieving stress or anxiety by buying something

to wolf something down – to eat something very quickly 

The fox and the tail ーキツネとしっぽー

I recently retold a Native-American folk tale in which a fox came out badly.  I wanted to write a story which gave the fox a happier ending.  So I wrote this story, which is based on an old Scottish folk tale.

The fox and the tail:

One day the fox and the wolf were out together at night, and they stole a dish of porridge from a farmer.  The wolf was the bigger of the two beasts, and he had a long tail and sharp teeth.

The fox was afraid of his companion.  When the wolf ate almost all the porridge and left him only a little, he was too afraid to complain.  But he vowed to get his revenge. 

So, a little while later, the fox began to sniff the air.  “We have had a fine night together.  But I feel tired and I had better get some sleep,” he said.  “I thank you for sharing the porridge with me.”

“Wait,” growled the wolf suspiciously.  “You smell something tasty, I can see.  Are you planning to have a midnight snack before you go off to sleep?”

“Well, if you must know, I had planned on eating a little cheese before I went to sleep.”

“Come,” growled the wolf.  “That’s not very friendly.  Aren’t we going to share the cheese just like we shared the porridge?”

The fox’s ears seemed to droop in disappointment before he answered.  “Of course, my friend.  Thieves like us work better as a team, especially with farmers around who would love to kill us if they had the chance.  We will go and fetch and eat this cheese together.”

So the fox sniffed the air again and trotted off towards a loch.  It was winter, and the surface of the loch had frozen.  “The cheese is there, in the middle of the frozen loch.  Do you see it?” asked the fox.

The wolf looked, and saw the full moon reflected on the surface of the frozen water.  It looked very much like a round of delicious cheese.  “I see it!” he said, and prepared to run off towards it.

“Don’t be too hasty,” warned the fox.  “A farmer lives near here with his family.  It must have been him who left the cheese there.  If he sees us making a midnight snack of it, he will surely come and kill us.  So here is my plan.  Go and sit by the cheese and hide it under your tail.  Keep your tail as still as possible so that the cheese is completely hidden.  I will go to the farmer’s hut and make sure that he is asleep.  When I see that he is asleep, I will come back and we can eat the cheese together in safety.”

So the wolf walked onto the loch, and covered the reflection of the moon with his tail.  The fox saw that he kept his tail as still as possible.  The fox trotted off to the farmer’s hut.  He waited quite a long time, and then started yelping and making a lot of noise.

When the farmer heard the fox, he rushed out of bed and chased after him with a stick and a gun.  The fox ran towards the loch and ran past the wolf, shouting “Run, wolf!  The farmer has woken up!”

But, as the fox had guessed, the wolf’s tail had become stuck to the ice.  When he tried to run away, he found that he couldn’t escape because of his tail.  So before the farmer could catch and kill him, he pulled so hard against the ice that his tail came off as he ran away.

From that night on, the wolf felt smaller and less confident when he compared the fox’s bright, bushy tail with his own stump of a tail.  And they shared their stolen food equally.

Vocabulary:

to come out badly – to lose or be at a disadvantage after some event

porridge – a dish of oatmeal boiled in water or milk

to vow – to swear; to strictly promise

to sniff – to breathe in sharply through one’s nose; to smell

to droop – to fall or hang down

a thief (plural, thieves) – someone who steals

fetch – bring; go and get

to trot – of a four legged animal, to slowly run

a loch – a Scottish word for a lake

still - unmoving

to yelp – to make a short, sharp cry

The wisdom of rats －ネズミの知恵－

“If Brexit is a disaster, I’ll go and live abroad.”

Brexit supporting politician, Nigel Farage in March 2017

Some important figures in the European Union have said this week that they are getting closer to making a deal with Britain about how it will leave the EU.  Britain will probably have to accept a deal which causes extra difficulties for businesses in Britain.  We will have to pay a huge divorce bill to the EU.  And we will have to accept most of the rules of the EU, without any longer being able to influence or change them.

I have been thinking back to the politicians who promised that doing business in Britain would be easier, that we would get extra money back from the EU, and that we would no longer have to accept any rules we didn’t like.  Why did politicians such as Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage and Michael Gove make predictions about Brexit which were so wrong?  Did they lack wisdom?

The following essay might provide an answer, even though it was written in 1612.  I have slightly edited this essay by Francis Bacon to make it easier for non-native speakers to understand.

 “Of Wisdom for a Man’s Self,” by Francis Bacon

An ant is a wise creature for itself, but it is a shrewd thing in an orchard or garden.  And certainly men who are great lovers of themselves do not help the public.

Divide yourself between self love and society.  Be true to yourself, but do not be false to others, especially your country.  It is a poor centre of a man’s actions – himself.  All things which are like the Heavens move around another, which they benefit.

The judging of all things by how they affect yourself is more understandable in a great ruler, because if you are a ruler, good and evil for yourself can also affect the public.  But it is a terrible evil in a servant to a ruler, or a citizen in a republic.  For whatever decisions pass through such a man’s hands, he bends them to suit himself.  This may of course then damage his ruler or his country.  Therefor let rulers and countries choose servants who are not like this.

Something which makes the effect of this behaviour worse is the tendency for all proportion to be lost.  It is bad enough for the servant’s good to be preferred before the master’s.  But it is a greater extreme when a little good of the servant is chosen over a great good of the master.  Yet that is often the case for bad politicians, generals and servants.  The good these servants cause benefits themselves, and the hurt they cause they pass onto their masters.

It is the nature of extreme self lovers that they will set a house on fire just to roast their eggs.  And yet it is often the case that these bad servants are very popular with their masters, since they study hard how best to please their masters, and profit themselves.

Wisdom for a man’s self is, in many ways, an immoral thing.  It is the wisdom of rats, who will be sure to leave a house before it falls.

Vocabulary:

Brexit – Britain’s exit from the European Union

a figure – a person

a bill – a sum of money to be paid

shrewd – having or showing sharp powers of judgement

a tendency - something which happens mor often than not; a habit

proportion – the relative size or amount of two things when compared

hurt – injury or damage