I’m So Cute, I Could Just Marry Myself －私は可愛すぎて、自分と結婚できるわ－

“Mirror, mirror on the wall – Who’s the fairest of them all?”

From “Snow White”

 

“Never marry at all, Dorian.  Men marry because they are tired, women, because they are curious: both are disappointed.”

Oscar Wilde, from, “The Picture of Dorian Gray”

 

In India recently, a 24 year-old woman married herself.  She put on a traditional red bridal dress, had her hair powdered and oiled, invited friends and family for music and dancing to celebrate.  Then she walked seven times around a sacred fire to complete the ceremony. 

“I will be dedicating my life to self love,” the new bride told the media.  “Self-marriage is a commitment to being there for yourself… It’s my way of showing that I’m accepting of all the different parts of me, especially the parts of myself that I have tried to deny or disown, such as my weaknesses.” 

After the wedding, the bride treated herself to a two week honeymoon in Goa. 

I just hope the relationship is strong enough to survive some of the problems that can arise within a marriage.  How would the bride react if her beloved marriage partner one day had an affair? 

A Scottish Wedding on the Run －スコットランドで駆け落ち婚－

Parents don’t always approve of their child’s decision of a marriage partner.  This is especially true if there is a big age gap between the two lovers. 

A young person who is determined to marry someone that their parents disapprove of might have to run away from home to get married.  In the mid 18^th century, it became common for young English people in this situation to run away to Scotland to get married.  The law in England stated that people under the age of 21 needed their parents’ permission to wed, and the wedding could only take place in a church.  In Scotland, however, a young adult did not need their parents’ permission, and didn’t even need to find a church.  So many English couples who could not get the permission of a parent crossed the border into Scotland to marry.  The nearest village on the road from England was Gretna Green, and it became famous for holding many of these run-away marriages. 

I fear that my own son is planning to run away to Scotland to get married, since his mother and I do not approve of his chosen partner.  I can’t accept a wedding between them, because the age gap is insurmountable.  The woman is a nursery teacher in her thirties, and my son is just five. 

My son apparently said to his favourite female nursery teacher, “I will take you to Scotland.  Why don’t you come with me?” 

His teacher laughed, and agreed.  Later, she told us the story. 

We didn’t mention anything to our son about it, but it seems he is really taking the idea seriously.  When he was sitting at the dinner table, he started muttering to himself. 

“But I might wet my pants on the plane..” 

He is clearly thinking through some of the difficulties of his plan.  I hope he sees sense and reconsiders.  When he posts his wedding photos on Facebook, what will the neighbors say?

 

Vocabulary:

to be insurmountable – too great to be overcome (For example, “We will never succeed.  The problems are insurmountable.”)

to mutter – to say something in a low or hard to hear voice, especially in dissatisfaction or irritation

 

The A toZ of Dates to Avoid: A －AからZまでのダメダメデート：A編－

My wife recently told me about a Japanese podcaster who warned against dating three kinds of men: creators, cameramen, and curry enthusiasts. 

People who work in creative fields such as artists or influencers probably don’t have a regular salary.  You never know when a cameraman might be secretly filming you!  And curry enthusiasts, who have a dozen different types of spice and always have a new curry stewing in the pot, are probably a bit of a bother to live with. 

The name of the podcast is “Over the Sun,” in case you would like to hear about the three ‘C’s you must avoid when dating men (in Japanese). 

I liked the idea of giving dating warnings by letter.  So I will start with some warnings about the three ‘A’s of women you should avoid dating, in my experience.

 

1 – Astrology believers 

“I never liked her anyway, because she is a Libra, and, of course, I don’t get on with Libras.” 

Leave before your house fills up with healing crystals and the smell of incense.  You cannot reason with someone who believes in magic.

 

2 – Always prattling 

“You’ll never guess what happened at work today – Jenny, that’s the new girl, ate three cookies, and these were chocolate cookies, which are my favourite – you know when you open one packet, you’re already thinking about opening another – and anyway…” 

My ears are tired just thinking about it.  Never date someone who talks without using full stops.

 

3 – Anime geeks

“Before coming to the bedroom, Darling, could you put on your ninja costume.  I’ll just go and get my cat ears.” 

Actually, to be honest, I could probably live with this problem.  But living with an anime geek may involve a lot of hard work doing cosplay and searching for rare plastic figurines in Akihabara.

 

Other ‘A’s to be careful of include “Ant keepers,” “Acroyoga addicts,” and “Axe throwers.”

 

Vocabulary:

an enthusiast – someone who gets very excited or enthusiastic about one hobby or activity

an influencer – someone, often on Youtube or TikTok, who makes money by attracting followers on a social media platform

to prattle – to talk at length about unimportant or irrelevant topics or details

a figurine – a small model representing a character, person, animal, etc

 

Essential Tip for Hakon Travel: Bring a Towel －箱根旅行のための大切な助言 ～タオルを持って行って－

A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have.  Partly it has great practical value: You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across [a cold moon]; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded [beach planet], inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep on it underneath the stars which shine so redly on [a desert planet]; you can use it to sail a mini-raft down [a slow river]; you can wet it to fight hand-to-hand combat; you can wrap it around your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of [a monster]…; you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems clean enough.

(from “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, by Douglas Adams)

 

I have just come back to Tokyo from a two night stay in Hakone. 

We took a cable car up the volcano to a viewing platform, where visitors could look out at a vent which was releasing steam from under the surface of the Earth.  The air smelled of sulphur, and the steam hissed like a giant kettle. 

Before we got on the cable car going up the volcano, we were all handed a wet towel as a safety precaution.  “In the event of a release of poisonous gas from the volcano,” we were told, “Hold the wet towel in front of your face.” 

I couldn’t help but laugh at the idea that a little wet towel could protect me from the power of an erupting volcano!  Imagine the people at Pompeii saying to each other, “Quick – cover your face with a towel!” 

But a towel was very useful when we took a hot footbath in a large park.  Douglas Adams was right.  The first thing a traveller must pack is his towel.

 

Vocabulary:

interstellar – between the stars

to bound – to leap or jump

to inhale – to breathe in

vapor – a cloud of material hanging in the air

noxious fumes – poisonous gas or vapor

a distress signal – a sign asking for help

a vent – in a volcano, a long tunnel-like exit from which steam or other material emerges

 

 

Unexpected Item Found in the Check-in Area －チェックインエリアで見つかった思わぬアイテム－

Have you ever been stopped by overzealous security staff at an airport?

One time when I travelled from Tokyo to the UK via Dubai, a member of security at Narita Airport seemed to get really suspicious of my white cane (used by blind people.)  She thoroughly inspected the cane, made me take my shoes off, patted my body all over, and then gave me really confusing instructions that a blind person could not understand.

“Ugoite kudasai,” she said, which means, “Please move.”

“Move how?” I was thinking.  “Do you want me to dance or something?”

I heard later that she was pointing to the side, to show me in which direction to move.  But how was a blind person supposed to see that?  Maybe she was trying to test if I was really blind or was just pretending!

But I have some sympathy with security staff at airports.  Passengers do sometimes act strangely, and they sometimes do try to bring aboard dangerous items.

There was a story a couple of weeks ago from Israel.  An American family who were on holiday there found an unexploded shell lying on the ground, at the site of a former war between Israel and Syria.

The tourists wanted to take the unexploded shell back to America as a souvenir.  So when they got to the airport, they took out the shell and asked, “Can we put this in our suitcase?”

When a security guard saw the item, she tried to get people to evacuate the area in case it exploded.  Unfortunately, some people misunderstood and assumed that the airport was under attack from terrorists, and people began running away in panic.  One man fell off the escalator and had to be taken to hospital.

The amazing thing is that, after the confusion and panic had died down, the American family were allowed to board their flight back to the US (without the unexploded shell.)

And I made it back to the UK with my cane too, quite excited to have been touched all over by a female security guard.  I always try to look a little suspicious when I go to airports now.

 

Vocabulary:

overzealous – having or showing too much energy or dedication to a cause or principle

For example, “The staff at the bank made me fill out the form again because I stamped my name in slightly the wrong place.  I think they were overzealous in applying the rules.”

 

Give Me a Grandchild, or Give Me Death! －我に孫を与えよ、しからずんば死を！－

“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

The opening line of Leo Tolstoy’s novel, “Anna Karenina” 

It was revealed this week that an ageing Indian couple - 61 and 57 - are suing their only son and his wife.  The reason that they are demanding around 525,000 Pounds in compensation is “mental cruelty”.  Their son and his wife, who are 35 and 31 respectively, have been married for six years, and still have no plans to start a family. 

The ageing Indian couple are so desperate to enjoy playing with a grandchild that they are demanding back the costs of educating and supporting their son financially if a grandchild is not produced within the next year. 

Even if this strategy of maximum pressure is successful in forcing their son and daughter-in-law to have a child, it is hard to imagine the couple bringing the baby round to its grandparents to play.  Who knows what crazy tactics Grandma and Grandpa would use next? 

“Look at the baby, Dad.  Isn’t he cute!” 

Grandpa pulls out a gun.  “Son, you know that I’ve always wanted two grandchildren… Now take your clothes off.”

 

Vocabulary:

alike – the same

compensation – money given to a person who has been unfairly hurt or has suffered unfair damage

[A] and [B] are [C] and [D] respectively – [A] is [C], and [B] is [D]; [A] and [B] are [C] and [D] in the same order as is written

 

Being Thrown in at the Deep End －窮地に立たされる－

“I’ve got a serious situation here.  My pilot has gone incoherent,” said a passenger, who was trying to control the plane.  “I have no idea how to stop the airplane.  I don’t know how to do anything.” 

The plane was flying at 9,000 feet in the air when the pilot suffered a sudden illness and lost consciousness.  One of the passengers then managed to operate the radio to ask for help.  An air traffic controller on the ground then managed to help the passenger, who had no idea what he was doing, to land the plane in Florida. 

This is a true story, which was reported this week.  Thankfully, the flight from the Bahamas landed successfully, and the passenger and air traffic controller are being hailed as heroes. 

This is a pretty extreme example of being thrown in at the deep end. 

I don’t recommend it as a way to teach someone to swim, but the phrase comes from the idea of simply throwing a child in at the deep end of the swimming pool, and hoping that their survival instinct will somehow make them start kicking and struggling so desperately that they learn to swim in moments. 

When I was a child, and visiting my uncle in Australia, he suddenly picked me up and threw me in at the deep end of his swimming pool.  I knew how to swim, but I had never been in the water with my clothes and shoes on before.  They were quickly soaked with water and my body seemed incredibly heavy.  For a few moments, I was sure I was going to drown.  Oh how my uncle laughed as I struggled to the side of the pool and climbed out, water dripping from my clothes. 

There is a phrase used about language study which is similar to “being thrown in at the deep end.”  Homestay trips abroad offer “immersion English.”  To be immersed in water is to be completely covered and surrounded by water.  For a non-native speaker to be immersed in English means that they are completely surrounded by English speakers, and so they cannot rely on their native language. 

Would you be able to stay calm and quickly learn how to fly?  Or would you crash and burn?

 

Vocabulary:

to be incoherent – to be making no sense.  For example, “After drinking too much alcohol, my friend started mumbling nonsense.  He was completely incoherent.”

to lose consciousness – for the mind to lose awareness, and to lose control of the body.  For example, “His head was hit by a baseball, and he lost consciousness and fell to the ground.”

to be hailed (as a hero) – to be cheered and congratulated (and called a hero).  For example, “After publishing his theory of relativity, Albert Einstein was hailed as a genius.