Where old information and old friends go to die －古い情報と友達が死にに行くところ－

Where does old information go to die?

Apparently cats find a quiet spot to hide in just before they pass on.  Humans often go to the hospital.

So there ought to be a final resting place for old diary entries, secrets and personal information we don’t want to share.  But there isn’t.  Old information just lingers on, waiting in the shadows to be brought into the light once again.  Old information is like a zombie.

I was reminded of this recently by Facebook.  I had a profile on Facebook for a few years.  It was a useful way to keep in touch with old friends I didn’t see socially any more.  That’s where old friends go to die, by the way.  When they have stopped coming to your house, and no longer call you, they appear on Facebook instead.  But anyway, I stopped using my profile about seven years ago.  I deactivated it and then forgot about it.

That was until a couple of weeks ago, when I got an email from Facebook saying, “Welcome back!  Thank you for reactivating your profile!”

It wasn’t me who had reactivated it, of course.  Someone had managed to steal my password to open my profile page.  I presume that they were criminals looking for useful information which could be used to access my bank accounts.

Well, nothing has disappeared from my bank accounts so far.  And I managed to contact Facebook to let them know that I had not suddenly moved to Brazil (from where my profile was accessed), and asked them to permanently delete my account.  It’s much easier to deactivate your account than actually delete all the information.  Deleting it is a process which takes several weeks.  It’s hard to kill zombies.

I couldn’t help but wonder what the criminal thought about me as he looked through my profile.  I worried that I might  not have led an interesting enough life for him.  I remember making a virtual bookshelf, showing some of the books that I loved.  Do Brazilian criminals like Haruki Murakami?  I posted photos from my holidays.  Did my photos make him want to go to Shanghai and Chiang-Mai, or was he bored flicking through them?

I have read that using Facebook can make you unhappy.  The reason is that you can see all your friends’ old information – all that they have chosen to share with you.  And because they want to make their lives look interesting, they only share the good bits.  So everyone else’s life looks great, while you are sat at your computer doing something boring like uploading some photos or commenting on someone else’s photos.  So you feel bad in comparison.

My New Year’s resolution for 2018 is to lead an interesting life.  I want it to be interesting for me, and not for any Brazilian criminals who might want to take a look.

Happy New Year!

Vocabulary:

to linger on - to continue, especially when it seems natural to finish, leave, die etc.

to see someone socially – to meet someone for fun, not for business etc.

to deactivate something - to turn something off; to make something unusable

to reactivate something – to turn something back on, to make it usable again

virtual – not real, existing only as a computer image

to flick through something – to look at something only briefly

 

Hand-knitted mittens, spotted ties, and the tricky business of Christmas presents －手編みのミトン、水玉模様のネクタイ、それからクリスマスプレセントの微妙な問題－

I thought that Christmas was great when I was a child.  The main reason was that I was given presents.  Santa Claus, my Mum and Dad, and even distant relatives gave me presents.  And since I didn’t have a job or money, I wasn’t expected to buy Christmas presents for other people.  They pretended to be happy with the card I made for them or the wonky picture I drew of a reindeer.

But Christmas gets more difficult the older you get.  You have to think of presents to buy for other people’s children.  “Would he like a traditional Japanese toy, do you think?  Is she old enough to read this book yet?  Do they allow their kids to eat sweets?”  Buying satisfying presents can be a tricky business.

A story by Saki which was, I think, written around 1904, illustrates this point.  The narrator is a selfish young man who is very demanding about the presents he receives.  I have edited it to make it easier for English learners to follow.

An edited extract from “Reginald on Christmas presents,” by Saki:

“There ought to be classes on the science of Christmas present giving,” said Reginald.

No one seems to have the faintest notion of what anyone else wants.  And common ideas about it are just wrong.  There is, for example, the “female relative”, who knows “a tie is always useful,” and sends you some spotted horror you could only wear in secret.  It might have been useful if she had kept it to tie up strawberry bushes with, when it would have had the double advantage of supporting the branches and frightening away the birds.  Few people have worse taste in Christmas presents than the average female relative.

This is especially true of aunts.  They are always a difficult case to deal with in the matter of presents.  The trouble is that you never know them when they are young enough.  By the time you have made them understand that you do not want to wear a pair of hand-knitted mittens, they die!  Or quarrel with the family, or do something equally inconsiderate.

There is my Aunt Agatha, for instance.  Last year I had educated her enough that she bought me a pair of gloves of a style which was being worn.  But they were blue!  I sent them to a boy whom I hated intimately.  He didn’t wear them, of course, but he could have.  Of course I wrote and told my aunt that they were the one thing I had wanted to make my existence bright.

If you can’t choose your aunt, then it is wisest in the long run to choose the present and send her the bill.

*

Merry Christmas!

Vocabulary:

wonky – a casual word, meaning not straight, bent out of shape etc.

tricky - difficult

“the faintest notion” – the smallest idea (eg. “I didn’t have the faintest notion,” means “I didn’t have even a small idea”)

one’s aunt – one’s mother or father’s sister

to quarrel with someone – to argue or be on bad terms with someone

the bill – the charge; a demand for payment

A message for all women – We’re not exaggerating －すべての女性へのメッセージ ～僕らは大げさじゃない－

Hold the front page!  A mysterious phenomenon has just been shown to be real.  Many people doubted its existence.  They laughed at the many men who claimed that it was true.  Now those who scorned will have to eat their words and say sorry.

It is not Bigfoot.  It’s not the Loch Ness Monster.  It’s not ghosts.  It’s the dreaded man-flu!

What is man-flu?  Well, I can tell you easily since I am experiencing it now.

A few mornings ago – on my birthday no less – I awoke after a very troubled sleep.  I had a fever.  My throat was extremely rough.  When I stood up, I had an awful headache.  I knew immediately I was being attacked from inside by man-flu.  I reached for some painkillers to deal with my headache, but bending over to get them out of the drawer was making my headache much worse.

“help... me...” I croaked weakly to my wife.

“WHAT?” she demanded sharply, showing little sympathy.

Being a woman, of course, she doesn’t understand man-flu.  She will catch the same cold, virus, or flu as I do.  But her symptoms will be a little bit milder.  Her throat will be rough, but not quite as sandpaper rough as mine.  Her head will ache too, but not quite as brain-stretchingly as mine.  So she gets annoyed when I complain, thinking that I’m exaggerating.  She thinks that I should just put up with the symptoms.  Until now she hasn’t known that my symptoms are worse than hers.  Women, that is man-flu.  It’s like flu, but worse.

And how do I know this?

A Canadian researcher has claimed that men really do suffer higher rates of hospitalisation and death because of flu.  He says that this may be because men have weaker immune systems than women.  This may be because men use more of the body’s energy growing, or producing growth hormones.

So it is the duty of all women to be more sympathetic to men who are ill.  And you can start today with my man-flu.

Vocabulary:

“Hold the front page!” – a phrase shouted in a newspaper office when some vitally important news suddenly emerges

a phenomenon – a hard to explain event or process

to scorn something - to show that you think something ridiculous or that you lack any respect for it

to eat one’s words – a casual phrase meaning being forced to admit that what you said was wrong

dreaded – greatly feared

to croak – to speak in a very weak voice

to exaggerate – to make something sound worse or more serious than it actually is

 

Beating traffic jams with magical thinking from China －中国からの魔法の考えで交通渋滞を打破すること－

Traffic congestion must be a big problem in China.  Not so long ago, almost everyone got around by bike.  Now a great many people can afford a car.  So the roads quickly fill with vehicles and workers have to face a horrible commute stuck in long traffic jams.

Wouldn’t it be nice if a single magical solution could make the problem go away?  Why couldn’t you just fly above the traffic jam, or make all the other traffic disappear?

This year a crazy sounding plan to build a fleet of “traffic-straddling buses” was tested and eventually abandoned.  The idea was to build buses with wheels touching the ground, but the body of the bus and passengers lifted high into the air, so that normal cars could drive in the space underneath.  It is a little like buses flying above the traffic.  But because the wheels of the bus are still touching the ground, it is not really flying.  It is more like riding on a giant elephant, while people riding smaller animals (donkeys?) pass happily underneath.  It certainly sounds like an ambitious idea, if a little dangerous.  You don’t want to be passing happily underneath an elephant when he farts, for example.  I don’t know if that was why the traffic-straddling buses idea was abandoned.

And I read a story this week about another Chinese man’s big idea to get around the traffic jams on his daily commute.  In the middle of the night he crept out and repainted the traffic signs on the roads he used.  He commuted by bus, so he painted the signs to give buses a priority lane running most of the way to his office.  Normal traffic was directed away from this special lane, allowing his bus to move along much more quickly.  It was a simpler plan than flying above the traffic jams, although a lot more selfish.  His plan eventually backfired when he was caught on CCTV.

So neither plan worked.  But you have to admire the attempts.  Sometimes imagining magical solutions can lead to interesting ideas.

Vocabulary:

congestion – the state of being blocked, stuck, unable to move etc.

a commute – a regularly taken journey from home to work, school etc.

a traffic jam – a line of cars or other vehicles unable to move quickly

to straddle – to sit or stand with one leg on either side of (eg. He straddled his horse)

to fart – to pass wind; to release gas from your lower body

to creep – to move slowly or quietly in order to avoid being noticed

a priority lane – one part of a road, which is reserved for certain types of vehicles, such as bicycles (a cycle lane) etc.

to backfire – of a plan, to have the opposite effect intended

CCTV – Closed-circuit television, often security cameras

 

Naughty, naughty －なんて悪い子なんでしょう－

“Now listen carefully,” said God. “I’m going to give you a whole garden full of fruits nuts and berries to eat.  Take as much as you like.  Try the oranges – they’re delicious.  But I’ve got just one small request: Don’t eat any of the apples from this tree.  It’s my special tree, and I’m going to make some lovely apple cider for myself as a treat for all the work I’ve been doing recently.  That’s fair, isn’t it?.”

God went away, and the humans felt very naughty.

“Welcome to Thailand.  Feel free to enjoy the sunshine and beaches, drink beer, eat green curry, and explore our ancient temples.  Oh, we have just one small request.  Don’t pull your trousers down inside the temples to take photos of your bum.  They are our special temples, and we like to keep the atmosphere respectful so that we can go to Heaven after we die.  That’s fair, isn’t it?”

The Thai authorities went away, and the tourists felt very naughty.

In the Bible story, the first humans ignored God’s reasonable request, and ate the apples.  They were then punished and thrown out of Paradise.  And in Thailand this week, two American tourists ignored the authorities’ reasonable request, and took pictures of their exposed bums inside a temple.  They are to be fined and thrown out of Thailand.

Will humans never learn?  We seem to be irrepressibly naughty by nature.  As soon as someone sets a rule, we want to break it.  As soon as we are told not to do something, we want to do it.

Maybe governments should start using reverse-psychology to improve society.  To tackle obesity, they could set up gardens full of healthy fruit and vegetables and then tell people not to eat them.  Very soon, black market carrot dealers and spinach pushers will be selling the food to naughty teenagers.

Don’t recommend this blog to your friends.  It’s a secret.

Vocabulary:

One’s bum – the part of the body that one sits on

the authorities – the people in charge; the people who make the rules

exposed – of something usually supposed to be hidden, to be visible or in the open

irrepressibly – in a way that cannot be contained, held back, stopped etc.

reverse-psychology – the idea of getting someone to do something by telling them to do the opposite

obesity – the state of being very fat or overweight

black market – illegal to sell, but available unofficially

a pusher – slang for a drug dealer

If only... － ・・・だったら良かったのに－

I read today that a graduate of Oxford University, who got an upper second class degree, is suing the university for a million pounds because he didn’t get a first class degree.  He is not claiming that there was any mistake in the marking of his exam papers or essays.  He just claims that he should have been taught better so that he could have gotten a first class degree.  He is unemployed now and thinks that he would have earned much more money if he had gotten the top degree award.

I wonder if perhaps he should have just studied harder instead of blaming his teachers for ruining his life?  We could all look back and say “If only...” but maybe we should take some responsibility for our own failings.

Failings?  Most people would be delighted with a second class degree from one of the top universities in the world.  Stop complaining and go out and find a job!

But in case he wins I am preparing three lawsuits of my own.

If only chocolate covered almonds weren’t so delicious, I wouldn’t have toothache.  I am going to sue Meiji chocolatiers for 1 thousand pounds for damaging my teeth.

If only the Scottish football team hadn’t been so rubbish over the last twenty years, I could have met beautiful Brazilians and Italians at the World Cup and been happy.  I am going to sue the Scottish Football Association for 1 million pounds for making me so depressed.

If only my nursery school teacher had been Bill Gates, I would have learned computer programming before everyone else.  I am going to sue my nursery school for 1 billion pounds for not giving me the chance to conquer the world like Mark Zuckerberg.

If only I had bought that lottery ticket...

Vocabulary:

a degree – a qualification given by a university or college for completing a course of study

to sue – to challenge in a court of law; to try to get money in damages from a person or company

to claim something – to say that something is true when the facts are in question

unemployed – without having a job

to ruin something – to spoil something; to make something worthless

a failing – a weakness, especially in a person’s character

a lawsuit – a legal action to get money in damages

a nursery school – a school for very young children, before primary (elementary) school

 

Indulge me, Grandpa －ぼくを甘やかして、おじいちゃん－

Thank you for filling out this short survey about looking after children.  Find out what kind of care-giver you are at the end of the survey.

Question 1:

The child is in a bad mood, and won’t stop screaming and shouting, even though there seems to be no reason for it.  Do you...

A – Grit your teeth and wait for the temper tantrum to pass?

B – Run into the kitchen to get some sugary snacks and bribe the child into being quiet?

Question 2:

The child is full of energy and constantly asks you to play or run around with them.  Do you...

A – Run around and play with the child, as far as your own energy will allow?

B – Turn on the television and try to get the child to sit quietly for a while to give you peace?

Question 3:

You are desperate for a cigarette, but have to stay in and look after the child.  Do you...

A – Chew some chewing gum and try hard not to think about cigarettes?

B – Think to yourself, “What the hell - just one won’t hurt the baby!” and smoke a cigarette?

If your answers were mostly As – You are probably a parent.

If your answers were mostly Bs – You are probably a grandparent.

*

That’s unfair, of course.  Many grandparents are great at looking after children.  I wish my parents were close enough to help look after my son from time to time.

But a recent study by Glasgow University showed that being regularly cared for by a grandparent can have a negative effect on a child’s health.  People who had often been looked after by their grandparents when they were children had, on average, worse health than those who hadn’t.  The researchers said that grandparents often indulge the children with sweets and unhealthy snacks.  They also on average give the children less exercise, and smoke more often in front of them.  All of these factors combine to give the children poorer health later in life.

But let’s not take the results of this research too far.  Part of the role of grandparents is to indulge children.  How sad would it be as a child if you were taken to your grandparents to eat dry carrots and rye bread, and to run on an exercise machine?

Vocabulary:

to indulge someone – to treat someone to luxury

to grit one’s teeth – to press one’s teeth together hard in order to bear something difficult such as pain or frustration

a temper tantrum – a sudden childish display of anger

to bribe someone – to pay someone with money or gifts to win their favour

“What the hell” – In this article, the phrase is used to show that someone has decided to give up, or has decided to indulge themselves (eg. “I probably shouldn’t do it.  Oh, what the hell!  I’ll just do it.”)

to have a negative effect on something – to make something worse

a factor – one cause when there is more than one cause

 

Sweet, sweet – the memories －甘い、甘い―その思い出－

“Sweet, sweet – the memories you gave to me,

You can’t beat – the memories you gave to me.”

From the Dean Martin song, “Memories are made of this”

According to an article I read today, the earliest memory that most people have comes from when they were four years old.

This is true for me too.  My earliest memory is of my first day at primary school.  I remember being excited to go there, and then realising that I was going to be left alone to work things out in a scary new world.  So I felt abandoned and started crying.

Or was that my first day in Japan?  Or my first day after getting married?  My memories are all a little confused.

But anyway, people usually don’t remember anything that happened to them when they were zero, one, two or three years old.  Reading that made me a little sad.  After all, my son is now one year old.  For all the effort I put into playing with him, all the times I pick him up after he has fallen, all the dirty nappies I have helped him change – he won’t remember any of it.

“What have you ever done for me?” he will ask, and mean it.

I suppose that the only comforting thought is that I don’t remember my mum wiping my bottom either.

But the article I read was about an extremely rare group of people who can remember almost every incident in their life.  Researchers have only found about sixty of these people anywhere in the world.

One of these people, an autistic woman with an amazing memory, was interviewed on the BBC recently.  Her earliest memory is from when she was about one week old.  She can remember being wrapped in a pink blanket.  She remembers being able to recognise her mother around that time.  She can remember the first time she decided to try to walk, to get a closer look at a fascinating object that was near her.

Still, there are at least some limits to memory.  She doesn’t remember anything that happened before she was one week old.  And it’s probably just as well.

Vocabulary:

primary school – British English for elementary school

to work something out – to solve something; to become able to do or deal with something

to abandon (passive, to be abandoned) – to leave something, and to stop looking after or caring for it

a nappy – British English for a diaper; things worn by babies or others who cannot use a toilet

rare – uncommon; unusual

an incident – one event which has happened

autistic – having autism, a mental condition present from early childhood which often causes difficulties in using language and forming relationships

fascinating – extremely interesting

“It’s just as well.” – of a situation or outcome, it is better this way; it is lucky that it happened like this, etc.

 

Batman is not available at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. －バットマンはただ今電話に出ることができません。発信音のあとにメッセージをお話しください。－

Indiana Jones has never given out his phone number in a movie.  Nor has Batman, nor Princess Leia.

Okay, Princess Leia didn’t have a mobile phone.  They don’t seem to have been invented in the galaxy far, far away in Star Wars.  Maybe you can’t get a good signal on the death star.

But Batman could have a mobile phone, couldn’t he?  It would be very useful as a way of keeping in touch with Robin.  But you never see him giving out his number.

And in fact no character in a Hollywood movie ever tells another character their phone number.  In order to be realistic, the phone number would have to have the correct number of digits.  So a real person might have that phone number.  And after the movie finishes... suddenly the poor person would get thousands of calls from people asking, “Hello, is Indiana Jones there?”

Sadly for one rickshaw driver, the Bangladeshi movie industry doesn’t seem to have realised this.

According to a news article I read today, a real phone number was accidentally used in a Bangladeshi movie.  The most famous and popular actor in Bangladesh was playing the romantic lead, and his character gave the number to his girlfriend.

In the real world, a rickshaw driver suddenly got 500 calls in five days from female fans of the actor.  The rickshaw driver said that he couldn’t change his phone number in case his customers were unable to contact him.  And he is suing the actor, hoping to get £45,000 in damages.

I just wonder if the rickshaw driver, instead of complaining about the calls, could have gotten some benefit from them?  He got 500 calls from women obsessed with this actor.  And let’s face it – they can’t be very smart.  I mean, they don’t seem to have been able to tell the difference between movies and the real world.  “What do you mean that this isn’t the number of Indiana Jones?  I heard Indiana say it in the movie!”

Couldn’t the rickshaw driver have said something like, “Yes, this is Indiana Jones.  But I’m always being bothered by my fans so I have disguised myself as a humble rickshaw driver.  I would love to go on a date with you.  But don’t be surprised if I look and sound nothing like I do in the movies.  And you’ll have to pay for the dinner, too.  If a poor rickshaw driver was seen paying for a gorgeous meal, it would break the disguise.”

Time to hang up.

Vocabulary:

a galaxy – a group of many stars and planets

to keep in touch with someone – to stay in contact with someone

a digit – as several letters together can make a word, several digits (0, 1, 2 etc.) can make a larger number

a rickshaw – a vehicle pulled by a person

to be obsessed – to like or think about something so much that it becomes an illness

to be bothered – to be inconvenienced; to be made to suffer slightly

to disguise oneself – to change one’s appearance in order not to be recognised

humble – in this sentence, humble means of low social rank or low importance

Haruki Murakami and the blind crows －村上春樹と目の見えないカラスたち－

When Haruki Murakami was asked if he wanted the Nobel Prize, he answered, “No.  I don’t want prizes.  That means you’re finished.”

Last week I wrote about why he hasn’t been awarded the Nobel Prize.  Maybe another reason is his combative attitude towards literary critics, and the people who award prizes.

He has suffered a lot of criticism from famous Japanese writers and critics, such as Kenzaburo Oe.  They often complain that Murakami’s style isn’t Japanese enough.

I think you can find Murakami’s answer to these critics in one of his early short stories.  In “The rise and fall of Sharpie Cakes”, the main character enters a competition to make a new kind of cake for a company called “Sharpie Cakes”.  But the judges want the cake to be similar to a long tradition of cakes going back to the eighth century.  The main character tries to make a new cake which will be popular with young people, and submits it to the competition.

Does the Sharpie Cake company represent the long tradition of Japanese literature?  And the cakes his character makes are really Murakami’s novels and stories?  Then the judges of the competition, the “Sharpie Crows, are really the Japanese literary critics?

If that is true, then here is what Murakami thinks of his literary critics.

An edited extract from “The rise and fall of Sharpie Cakes”, by Haruki Murakami:

I followed the president of Sharpie Cakes down the hall, up an elevator to the sixth floor, and then down the hall to an iron door.  He opened the heavy door.

“The Sharpie Crows live in here.  They are a special family of birds.  For centuries they have eaten nothing but Sharpie Cakes to stay alive.”

There were over 100 crows in the room.  They were far larger than ordinary crows.  And they had no eyes, I realised.  Where there eyes should have been, there was a layer of white fat.  Their bodies were swollen and fat.  When they saw us come in, the birds started crying.  They seemed to be crying, “Sharpies!  Sharpies!”

From a box on his hand the president scattered Sharpie Cakes on the floor.  All the birds rushed over to eat the cakes.  In their rush to get to the cakes, they pecked at each others’ feet and eyes.  No wonder they had lost their eyes!

Next, the president threw them a different kind of cake.  As soon as the birds realised that the cakes were not true Sharpie Cakes, they spat them out and cried angrily.

“You see,” said the president.  They will only eat true Sharpie Cakes.

“Sharpies!  Sharpies!  Sharpies!”

“Now let’s try it with your new cakes,” said the president.  “If they eat them, you win.  If not, you lose.”

The president threw my new cakes on the floor.  Some of the birds ate my cakes.  Others didn’t, and cried, “Sharpies!  Sharpies!”

Others, unable to reach my cakes, started attacking the birds that were eating.  Blood flew everywhere.  One crow attacked the stomach of another crow which had eaten my cake and ripped it out of its stomach.

This was all happening over some ridiculous sweets!

I left in disgust.  I hated to leave the 2 million yen prize money.  But I was not going to live the rest of my long life connected with these damn crows!  From now on I would make and eat the sweets that I wanted.

Vocabulary:

combative – aggressive; ready to fight

a judge – of a competition, someone who decides the winner

to submit something – of a competition, to give your work to the organisers to be considered

a hall – a corridor; a narrow passage

swollen – expanded beyond normal size

to peck – of a bird, to sharply hit with the beak (a bird’s mouth)

The three reasons why Haruki Murakami hasn’t won the Nobel Prize －なぜ村上春樹はノーベル賞をもらっていないの？その３つの理由－

A student asked me recently why I thought that Haruki Murakami hadn’t won the Nobel Prize.  It was of course another writer with a Japanese heritage, Kazuo Ishiguro, who won it this year.

By the way, I love both Ishiguro and Murakami’s work.  Either of them would be a worthy winner.  But Murakami’s hardcore fans gather together each year to await the announcement of the winner.  And each year they are disappointed.  So it is interesting to consider why he never wins.

First, I think we must look at the whiskey, jazz and sex.  Every Murakami novel has a lot of whiskey, jazz and sex.  I really like two of these things!

But are these the kind of topics which win a writer the Nobel Prize?

When Yasunari Kawabata won the prize, the committee said it was “for his narrative mastery, which with great sensibility expresses the essence of the Japanese mind.”

[In other words, he writes good stories and we haven’t had a Japanese winner yet.]

When Kenzaburo Oe won the prize, the committee said he “with poetic force creates an imagined world, where life and myth condense to form a disconcerting picture of the human predicament today.”

[In other words, he writes dark stories very well.]

And when Murakami wins the award, will the committee say it is because “he writes about whiskey and jazz and sex, and all members of the committee like at least two of these things.”

These just don’t seem like the kind of topics the committee would pick.  But then I’m sure they could find a way of wording it that sounded more worthy of a Nobel Prize.  “With poetic mastery of metaphor and narrative, he blends whiskey, jazz and sex into a dark picture of the distressed state of men struggling to find themselves in Japanese society today.”

Or something like that.

But are Murakami’s stories really so dominated by whiskey, jazz and sex?  Doesn’t he tackle great themes like fate, the darkness always threatening to break into our lives, etc.?  Here’s an extract of his latest novel so that you can judge for yourself:

[I was sitting alone and drinking whiskey and listening to jazz.  Then I met a kind of weird magic woman.  So I *** and she ***, and there was a lot of ***.

Then I drank some more whiskey and listened to jazz.]

I had to edit out some of the sex, but you get the idea.

Okay, I’m only joking.  I really do hope that Murakami wins the Nobel Prize someday.  I’m going now, to drink whiskey and listen to folk music.

Vocabulary:

a heritage – a background or tradition

a hardcore fan – a super fan; one of the most dedicated in a group of fans

the essence of something – the heart of something; the most important part of something, which makes it what it is

(a) myth – (a) legend; a traditional story, often involving the supernatural

to condense – to become more dense (smaller but containing a lot of material)

disconcerting – worrying; unsettling

a predicament – a difficult or unpleasant situation

(a) metaphor – a description of one thing as another thing, which is not literally true

distressed – experiencing difficulty

to dominate (passive, to be dominated) - to take the most important place, pushing other things aside

to tackle something – to attempt to deal with something or beat something

It’s because I’m short, I know －僕の背が低いからだろ、知ってるさ－

Producer: 7A

Singer: “What number is this, John?”

Producer, annoyed: 7A!

Singer: Okay, don’t get excited.  It’s because I’m short, I know.”

[from the Monkees, introduction to “Daydream Believer”]

When I first went to university, I remember being amazed by how tall most of the other students were.  At my secondary school, most of the students came from an ordinary background, rather than a wealthy one.  But at university, a much higher proportion of the students came from a wealthy background.

And somehow these richer students were very tall!  You could really see several inches of height difference between them and my friends from back home.  I suppose it must have been because of having a better diet from an early age.

Appearances can be deceptive, of course.  But these tall people seemed to have more advantages than just money.  They spoke confidently in groups, sure that others would listen.  They were picked first by sports teams, running a little bit faster and jumping a little bit higher than the short students.

Wouldn’t life be easier as a tall person?  Don’t we say when we respect someone, “I look up to him?”

The manager of the Scottish men’s football team seems to agree.  After failing to qualify for the World Cup, he gave this excuse: “Genetically we are behind.  In the last campaign we were the second smallest, apart from Spain... Genetically we have to work at things.  Maybe we get big men and women together and see what we can do.”

So the short people get the blame again!

Of course, Spain, Brazil, Portugal, Argentina and Uruguay – most of the best teams in the world - have shorter teams than Scotland.  And Messi and Maradona – two of the best players ever - are only 170cm tall and 165 cm tall.  So the manager’s excuse doesn’t make much sense.

Short people of the world, be proud.  While the tall footballers were just using their strength to win, you were learning to win through skill.  When the tall university students were talking confidently, sure that others would listen, you were learning to think.  And to write blogs.

Vocabulary:

annoyed – slightly angry; irritated

secondary school – In Britain, the school pupils go to after primary school (elementary school), usually from about age 12 to age 18

a higher proportion – a larger percentage

an inch – 2.54cm

“Appearances can be deceptive.” – a proverb, meaning that things are not always the way they look

to qualify – for a sports tournament, to be allowed to compete at the main tournament after doing well in pre-tournament competition

genetically – in a way that relates to genes (different genes can decide a person’s hair colour, skin colour etc.)

to work at things – to try to change or improve things

On starting and finishing ideas, writing and study －アイデア、作文、勉強を始める事と終える事について－

“A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.”

“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it.  If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying ‘End of the World Switch.  PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH!’, the paint wouldn’t  even have time to dry.”

“Pets are always a help in times of stress.  And in times of starvation, too, of course.”

All from Terry Pratchett

An author, whose books I often used to read when I was a teenager, died a couple of years ago.  Terry Pratchett wrote an amazingly long series of books set in a fantasy world called the Discworld.  He was a very funny writer, as you can see from a few of his quotes above.

I must have read about 25 of his novels.  But at the time of his death, he had completed 70 novels.  And he had 10 more unfinished novels in his computer hard drive.

I didn’t stop reading his books because I had ceased to find them funny.  I just couldn’t keep up.  He was writing faster than I could continue reading, and so I gave up.

I really admire Terry’s sense of humour.  But I also really admire his ability to get things finished.  He had an incredible work-ethic.  He even replied to every fan letter he received, which must have been lots.  Actually, it was probably a big mistake to tell people that he always replied to every fan letter.  All sorts of crazy people must have written, knowing that they would get a response.

I envy Terry’s ability to finish things because I am the kind of person who only likes to start things.  I get extremely enthusiastic for any new project I start.  Then I quickly slip to being only mildly interested, then rather bored or frustrated.  To get rid of my boredom or frustration, I just start something new, and am completely enthusiastic again, for a while.

I used to be ashamed to let anyone see my Japanese language study books.  The reason was that I had a huge pile of them, and I hadn’t read any of them to the end.  I started out with a phrase-book.  Then, after learning a few phrases, I got bored.  So I bought a grammar textbook.  I was convinced that this was the brilliant new way forward, until I became frustrated with reading it.  So I switched to a book of kanji.  I loved that kanji book, until...  You get the idea.

It must be nice to be a person who can see an idea through to the end.  If I were that kind of person then three-quarters of the way through my blog entries, I wouldn’t start thinking, “How nice would a cup of tea be right now?”  One of these days I’m going to learn to fini

Vocabulary:

to swear something – to make a solemn promise that something is true

to snore – to make a loud noise when sleeping because of partly blocked breathing

starvation – a lack of food leading to death

to cease – to stop

to keep up – to match the progress of; to follow without falling behind

a work-ethic – an attitude of hard work

Bite club －バイト・クラブ（かみかみクラブ）－

“The first rule of Bite Club is, you don’t talk about Bite Club.”

Toddler Durden might be angry if he finds out that I am talking about Bite Club.  But to be honest, I am not too worried.  He doesn’t read my blogs.

In fact, he can’t read.  That’s because he is only one year old.

But he is a very strong one year old.  And he likes to bite people.  He bites people when he is angry.  Even more so, he bites people when he is happy.

“When he bites you, it is because he wants to tell you something but doesn’t know how to say it.”

Someone gave us this advice about babies who bite.

So just what does he want to say?  “I’m so hungry that I could eat you”?  “You had better entertain me or I will hurt you”?

Perhaps he wants to say something more complicated than that.  In the 1999 film with Brad Pitt and Edward Norton, Tyler Durden formed an underground club for men to fight each other.  Like the earlier movies “Rebel without a cause” and “The Graduate”, the theme of the film was young people (young men) rejecting the society of their parents’ generation and its rules.  For the men to fight each other expressed their hatred of the shallowness of modern consumer and advertising led society.  When they hit each other, they were really saying, “I don’t want to live in a fake world.  I don’t want to have to suppress my primitive male desires just to fit in any more.”

Perhaps when Toddler Durden bites his parents, he is rejecting their society and rules too.  He is saying, “I don’t want to have to suppress my babyish desires any more.  I don’t want to change from milk to solid food.  I don’t want to sit in the high chair at meal times.”

And how can you stop such a baby from biting you?

I asked an older relative for advice.  She said that I used to bite her when I was a baby too.

“And how did you deal with it?” I asked.

“I used to bite you back.”

It is probably better not to tell people that.  These days, they will have you arrested.  The second rule of Bite Club is, you don’t talk about Bite Club!

Vocabulary:

a toddler – a baby who can walk a little

underground – about a society, movement etc., hidden or not well known

shallowness – a lack of depth or real substance

to suppress – to hold back or not allow to be shown

primitive - unsophisticated; having existed for a long time and being simple