The Claw is our Master －かぎ爪はご主人様です－

“The claw is our master.  The claw chooses who will go and who will stay.” 

“I have been chosen! Farewell, my friends.  I go on to a better place.”

Spoken by alien shaped toys in a claw machine, from the 1995 film, Toy Story

 

There was an interesting story from Hong Kong this week.  Regulators there have promised to introduce tighter regulations on the use of claw machines, after growing customer complaints were received. 

Claw machines are found in video game arcades, or indoor amusement spots for children.  The machine contains a lot of prizes, and players have to pay money to get a chance to manipulate a claw above one of the prizes, and to try to grab it and drop it into a hole. 

But with improved ability to programme the machines, have manufacturers been making things too difficult for customers to win?  The claw can be programmed to deliberately loosen its grip as it approaches the hole, or only to let a customer win a prize after they had spent a lot of money. 

One Hong Konger complained that he had spent more than the equivalent of 50 Pounds in 45 minutes, trying to catch the prize of a waffle maker.  But the claw kept dropping it, and he left with only a few trinkets. 

With everyone shopping on-line nowadays, could shops tap into the demand for people to pick up products with a claw?  I am going to move to Hong Kong and open up a shop selling waffle makers for 50 pounds.  You can’t have it delivered to your door by Amazon.  You have to go to the store and pick it out using a claw machine.  But there will be no nasty programming to make the task impossible, and everyone will be a winner.

 

Vocabulary:

a trinket – a small ornament or item of jewellery that is of little value

[eg., the souvenir stall sold trinkets such as miniature models of Tokyo Tower.]

 

Strange Convenience －不思議な便利さ－

Strange things are happening in convenience stores in Nerima. 

One of my students recently told me that she keeps a “convenience store notebook”.  For the last six years, since 2018, she has been taking a memo of her experiences in visiting various convenience stores around Nerima.  She marks the attitude of the staff towards her with a circle for good and a cross for unacceptable.  She also marks their toilet facilities with an A, B, or C. 

I told her that she could perhaps sell this information to the different companies.  I am sure that Lawson and Family Mart would be interested to know which staff members failed to live up to standard. 

A different student of mine told me that she recently went on a “Lawson crawl”.  This was after I had taught her the expression “pub crawl”.  In a pub crawl, someone visits many different pubs one after the other in the same night of drinking.  My student told me that she had visited as many branches of Lawson as she could find in the same evening. 

Apparently, my student’s friend had recommended a special offer available in some limited branches of Lawson.  They were selling frozen tarts, and also a lemon flavored alcoholic drink with a slice of real lemon. 

When my student eventually found a store selling these products she shouted out loud, “Yatta!” [“I’ve done it!] 

I think she had been sampling the lemon flavored alcohol even without the real lemon several times before she found exactly what she wanted. 

What is it about convenience stores that seems to encourage strange behaviour?

 

A Magical Christmas －魔術的なクリスマス－

My son is now eight years old, and is looking forward to Christmas.  But he is getting quite inquisitive about how the process of present giving works.  Here is a conversation my wife and I had with him recently. 

My son:  Is Santa Claus real? 

My wife:  I think so. 

My son: Where does he live? 

My wife: I think it is in Finland. 

My son: Is he a human?

 

My wife: No

Me [simultaneously]: Yes

 

Me: Well, we don’t really know what he is. 

My son: What do scientists believe he is? 

[Pause] 

My wife: I think he is a kind of magic person, a bit like a god. 

My son: Or maybe it’s more than one person. 

Me: Yes.  It could be like a secret organisation of people, who help Santa to put presents in houses all over the world.

 

My son [skeptically]: And he always comes in through the chimney?

Me: He also uses windows… Um…  By the way, if you had one magic power, like invisibility or the power to fly, what magic power would you like? 

Wishing you all a magical Christmas.

 

Vocabulary:

simultaneously – of two or more events, happening at the same time

[e.g., The two football matches are being played simultaneously.  So we will let you know what is happening in both matches.]

skeptically – with an attitude of doubt

[e.g., Investors have reacted skeptically to the company’s claims that they will be able to double their profits next year.]

 

Ordeals —試練－

My son is struggling to learn how to swim, and sometimes tries to avoid his swimming classes by feigning illness. 

So I tried to inspire him to stick at it by telling about an ordeal practiced by boys and young men in the Amazon rain forest.  There is a tribe that makes gloves full of bullet ants, which the boys and young men have to wear for ten minutes or so in order to pass the ordeal.  The ants will sting them thousands of times during the ten minute period.  Each sting feels like being shot, which is why the insects are known as bullet ants. 

I meant the lesson to be that if these boys could withstand this ordeal, then my son could also put up with his uncomfortable swimming lessons. 

I asked him what ordeal he would introduce at his school for the children that he didn’t like.  Here were some ideas he had. 

The scorpion in the bed ordeal.  In order to become a man, you have to spend one night in bed with a scorpion. 

The counting ordeal.  You have to count to one million, without missing any numbers. 

The chili sauce ordeal.  You have to drink a glass of chili sauce.

 

Very Small Gods －とても小さな神様－

“Gods like to see an atheist around.  [It] gives them something to aim at.” 

“The trouble with being a god is that you’ve got noone to pray to.”

From “Small Gods” by Terry Pratchett

 

It is said that in Japan, the customer is god.  But are there limits to what customers can expect, even in Japan? 

One of my students complained to me recently about the standard of service that her new mobile phone provider was offering. 

“I bought a new mobile phone, and I don’t know how to use it very well,” she said.  “So I went to that phone provider’s shop and asked them to teach me how to use it.  But they said that they charged money for giving lessons in how to use their phone.  Can you believe it?” 

I wasn’t so sure that my student was entitled to complain.  After all, the labour cost of having a staff member available to teach customers how to use the phone has to be paid from somewhere. 

If my student’s logic is correct, then a customer can buy a car from Toyota and then demand that Toyota teaches their new customer how to drive.  Or I could buy some eggs from my local supermarket and then demand that the staff teach me how to make an omelette.  You could buy a book from a book shop and then demand that the staff teach you how to read. 

If the customer is god, he or she is a very small god, whose temples have all fallen down and whose last worshipper has died.

 

Looking Down on Us with Envious Eyes －嫉妬の目で僕らを見下ろす－

This week I have been rereading the classic science-fiction novel, “The War of the Worlds”, by H.G. Wells.  It was published in 1897.  In addition to containing fascinating ideas, the writing is at times beautifully creepy.  Here are some quotes from the opening to the novel.

 

1

“No one would have believed in the last years of the nineteenth century that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than man’s.”

 

We can be very confident that no aliens are watching us from Mars.  But are there aliens watching us from farther away?

 

2

“as men busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinised and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a man with a microscope might scrutinise the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. With infinite complacency men went to and fro over this globe about their little affairs, serene in their assurance of their empire over matter. It is possible that the creatures under the microscope do the same.”

 

I hope not.  I don’t want to have to feel guilty about killing billions of microscopic creatures whenever I wash my hands with soap.

 

3

“No one gave a thought to the older worlds of space as sources of human danger… [Across] the gulf of space, minds that are to our minds as ours are to those of [the beasts], intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic, regarded this earth with envious eyes, and slowly and surely drew their plans against us.”

 

Beautifully creepy indeed.

 

Vocabulary:

to scrutinise something – to examine or inspect something closely and thoroughly

[eg., I thought that the money might be fake, so I took time to scrutinise it.]

to be transient – lasting only for a short time; not permanent

[eg., The effects of the drug are transient, so you need to keep taking it.]

complacency – a feeling of satisfaction with oneself or one’s achievements, which is not justified or appropriate

[eg., That football team lost their last match due to complacency.  If they had prepared properly, they would have won.]

to be serene – calm, peaceful and untroubled

[eg., Lying on the quiet beach, I felt serene.]

Mad About Hats －帽子バカ－

I bought a new hat recently.

There is currently a closing down sale at a hat store in Koenji, and all the hats are half price.

My wife and son came with me to the hat shop.  I wore my old hat there.  I wanted to try on various hats to check the size, so I gave my old hat to my son to hold for a while.

I eventually chose a new hat to buy.  I asked my son if he still had my old hat.

 “Hmmmn?” he said.  “I don’t have it.  I think I must have put it down somewhere.”

Of all the places to lose a hat, my son had lost it in a hat store.  Apart from being hard to find, like a chameleon blending in to its surroundings, there was also a danger that someone would pick it up and try to buy it. 

We managed to retrieve my old hat in the end.

Here are a couple of hat related phrases in English:

1 – as mad as a hatter.

This means very mad, as in crazy.  Hats used to contain mercury, and hatters often suffered mercury poisoning, making them behave strangely.

 

2 – to keep something under one’s hat

This means to keep something secret

e.g., I am going to quit my job soon, but keep it under your hat.  I don’t want everybody to know.

 

Almost Squashed －あと少しでぺしゃんこにされる－

It generally isn’t easy to make a complaint to a giant company.  As a customer, you are like an ant trying to get the attention of a tyrannosaurus rex. 

“Hey, Mr. Big Lizard!  Watch where you are going.  You nearly stood on me!” 

When I was trying to buy an audio book from Audible, a company owned by Amazon, I noticed a problem with the website.  It said that there was a two books for the price of one sale.  But when I tried to buy two books listed in the sale, I was being asked to pay the full price. 

So I clicked on the website’s link, “Contact us”.  There was a menu of complaints.  I clicked through the options.  Is it a problem listening to a book?  No.  Is it a problem downloading a book?  No.; and so on.  The problem I had wasn’t on the list.  Eventually to leave the list, the only thing I could click on was the option, “Never mind”. 

I had to laugh.  I want to choose whether I mind or not. 

I guess you shouldn’t try to argue with a t-rex. 

* 

There was an interesting story about Amazon in the news recently.  Amazon delivers huge numbers of parcels every year.  Every now and then, some of them are undelivered, and the intended recipient never comes forward to claim the item.  Amazon has huge warehouses filled with these unclaimed packages.  They don’t know what is inside each package.  Rather than destroying the undelivered items, Amazon has started selling them.  British customers who want to take a lucky dip can pay 13 Pounds per kg of parcel.  They could get something expensive, such as an electronic gadget.  Or they could get a box of half melted chocolates.  Do you feel lucky?

 

Unusual Food －珍しい料理－

One of the lessons I sometimes do with my students is about unusual foods.  I ask the students if they have tried any foods which might be considered rare in Japan, such as insects. 

During that lesson, one of my students said that she had eaten rabbit. 

“What made you decide to order rabbit?” I asked. 

“Well,” she said, “In actual fact I thought I had ordered eel.” 

I had to laugh.  “Eel” is “unagi” in Japanese, and “rabbit” is “usagi”.  After a few glasses of wine in the restaurant, it seems like my student got the two similar words mixed up. 

* 

I remember going on a family holiday to Belfast in Northern Ireland when I was a child.  We found a café with a menu advertising “soup of the day”. 

My father and I both fancied some hot soup to warm ourselves up on the cold day, so we asked what the soup of the day was. 

“Tsalgon,” said the waitress. 

My father and I glanced at each other, neither recognising the word. 

“What was that?” said my father. 

“Tsalgon,” repeated the waitress. 

My father and I looked at each other again, still confused.  We both thought that it must be some kind of Irish speciality that we had never heard of.  Seafood soup, maybe? 

“I’ll just have the soup of the day then,” said my father. 

“Me too,” I said. 

The waitress sighed, and spoke more slowly this time.  “It’s all gone.” 

So I never got to taste tsalgon soup.

 

Ten Worries

I have been reading an interesting book called, “What should we be worried about?: Real scenarios that keep scientists up at night”.  It is a series of essays written ten years ago, by various scientists, economists and other thinkers.  Their essays argue for different problems and potential problems that society needs to think more about. 

Here are ten interesting quotes taken from the book.

1

By far, environmental problems are our worst. Our resources are limited. Growth cannot continue forever, Gentle Reader. Time to change for the sake of future generations. 

2

The idea of 10 billion sharing the planet by 2050 is a truly dreadful prediction. Time to fight back against those individuals and groups who oppose efforts to control population growth. 

3

Democracy is increasingly looking like a failure. That saddens me. And yet a liberal democracy with a market economy seems to be our best bet. 

4

Vaccinations work. Use them. 

5

Let's get on with fixing up this world. Believing in an afterlife only leads to avoiding the decisions needed in this life. 

6

More unmarried men leads to greater crime rates. 

7

We must change how we use water. It's critical. It's being destroyed.

 

8

Normal people are not as nice as we make them out to be.

 

9

We live in the past or want the past to return. This makes it impossible for the future to get here.

 

10

"Global warming" needs a stronger name.

 

Strange Mornings －奇妙な朝－

My eight year old son was having difficulty getting ready for school in time in the mornings.  He tended to get distracted, especially by books.  When he was supposed to be brushing his teeth, we would find him lying on the floor, reading a book.  When he was supposed to be putting things into his school bag, we would find him leaning against a wall, flicking through manga. 

For a while we tried just telling him off for getting distracted, but the problem persisted.  So I came up with a solution.  I asked him what book or manga he wanted to read, and then left it by the front door.  If he could brush his teeth, prepare his school bag, put his shoes on and so on, then he could start reading his book.  This worked so well that soon he was ready 25 minutes before he had to leave for school, and was sitting quietly by the door, reading his favourite book. 

But it was summer, and there is no air conditioner at the front door.  It was very hot there.  So we wanted to let him read a book in the living room.  But we also wanted him to have his shoes on, so that he was totally ready to go to school.  Therefore I let him put his shoes on and pick up his book at the front door.  Then I laid some newspaper on the floor in front of our sofa in the living room.  Then I picked my son up and carried him into the living room.  He could then sit on the sofa without worrying about his outdoor shoes touching the floor. 

My wife later came up with a refinement to this procedure.  She has gotten rid of the need for newspapers on the floor.  She bought two shower caps, designed to be worn over your hair when you take a shower.  She puts these over my son’s shoes, allowing him to walk around inside our house with his outdoor shoes on underneath.  He then only needs to take the shower caps off before he leaves for school in the morning. 

Our mornings are now regularly accompanied by the sound of swishing plastic as my son enters the living room with his book.  He puts me in mind of a robot walking through our house. 

I can’t decide.  Are we very clever parents, or quite mad?

 

Bad Omens －凶兆－

I have been reading a book recently about the history of the ancient world. 

There was an interesting story from Mesopotamia, which in the modern world is part of Iraq.  More than 4,000 years ago, the king of one city was worried about the poor state his city was in.  So he consulted a fortune teller. 

“What do the omens say,” he asked the fortune teller.  “Do I have a bright future?” 

The fortune teller shook his head. 

“I am sorry, Your Majesty.  The omens are not good.  They say that the king will face great disaster.” 

Instead of punishing the fortune teller, the king came up with what seemed like an ingenious plan.  He had one of his lowliest servants brought to him.  The king told this man – who tidied up his gardens – that he would be king for the day.  He could enjoy eating the king’s food, enjoying the company of the king’s women, and enjoying every luxury, and he would revert to his role as gardener the next day. 

Secretly, the king planned to have this gardener murdered during his day spent as the king.  Thus, the bad fate predicted by the fortune teller would fall onto the head of the gardener, not the real king. 

According to this ancient story, the king died while eating some soup on the very day that the gardener was living as the king.  The gardener refused to give up the kingship, and ruled for another 24 years. 

Was an ancient god angry that the king had tried to cheat his fate?  Or did the gardener slip some poisoned herbs into the king’s soup?

 

 

 

Cold Humour —冷たいユーモア－

I recently finished reading an interesting book about the history of the cold war between America and the Soviet Union. 

People in the Soviet Union experienced shortages of goods in shops and long queues to buy things in the 1980s.  There were a couple of funny jokes from that time included in the book.

 

1

A woman in Saint Petersburg waits in a long queue at a butcher’s.  Eventually, when she gets to the front, she finds that the store has run out of meat. 

“Don’t you have any meat at all?” she asks. 

“No, we are all out,” replies the clerk. 

“Well,” says the woman, “Do you at least have some milk here?” 

The clerk shakes his head.  “We only deal in meat.  The shop which has run out of milk is across the road.”

 

2

A man in Moscow waits in a long queue to buy vodka.  He waits for an hour and still hasn’t gotten near the front. 

“This is ridiculous!” he exclaims.  “I can’t stand these queues any more.  I’m off to kill Gorbachev.” 

The other people in the crowd watch him stomp off.  Eventually, an hour later, he comes back and rejoins the queue. 

“What happened?” ask the others.  “Did you really kill Gorbachev?” 

“Are you kidding?” says the man.  “That queue is twice as long as this one.”

 

Why Do I Keep Getting Adverts for Salted Peanuts? －塩ピーナッツの広告ばかりもらっているのはなぜか－

The CEO of Britain’s largest supermarket this week suggested that they may start using artificial intelligence to influence their customers’ purchasing decisions.  Around 22 million people in Britain have signed up to Tesco’s Club card.  If they use the card to get discounts on their shopping, the supermarket can collect data on what they are buying. 

Tesco’s CEO, Ken Murphy, said that this data could be used to “nudge” shoppers into making healthier choices.  He suggested that an AI programme could let shoppers know that the items they have bought contain more than their recommended intake of salt, for example, and suggest healthier alternatives. 

It sounds like a helpful idea in theory.  But wouldn’t supermarkets be tempted instead to sell the data on their customers to companies, in order for them to prey upon the customers’ weaknesses more effectively? 

“Mrs. Smith is eating too much salt.  So why not target her with more adverts for salty junk food?  She obviously can’t resist it!”

 

Vocabulary:

to nudge someone into doing something – to gently push someone, or apply pressure to someone, in order to encourage them to do something

[eg., The government has introduced a tax on sugary drinks, in order to nudge people into drinking healthier alternatives.]

The Octopus that Lost Two Legs －足を2本失くしたタコ－

My son seems to have become more comfortable speaking English at home since we spent 18 days in Scotland over the summer.  Before going to Scotland, my wife and I had to keep telling him to speak English at home, and he kept switching back into Japanese.  I haven’t had to tell him to use English recently.

But because he doesn’t use English at school, there are many things he doesn’t know how to say in English.  He didn’t know the names of the months, for example.

So my wife decided to teach him the names of the months in English, from January to December.

I heard her telling him that October was the tenth month.  She tried to tell my son about an interesting fact about October.

“October is the tenth month,” she said, “But ‘oct’ means a different number, not 10.  Think of an octopus.  Can you guess what number ‘oct’ means?”

“An octopus has eight legs, so it must be eight,” said my son.

So far so clever.  Of course we actually call the “legs’ of an octopus “tentacles,” but he was doing very well with his answer.

“And can you guess why the name of the tenth month means ‘eighth month’?” she asked.

That was quite a difficult question.  The real reason is that October used to be the eighth month.  Then two Roman emperors added an extra month each, which pushed October back.  Julius Caesar added July and Augustus added August.

My son’s face lit up.  “I’ve got it!” he said.  “Octopuses used to have ten legs.  Then they evolved, and now they have only eight!”

It was an imaginative answer.  Maybe in the waters around Osaka, an octopus which evolved with two fewer tasty looking tentacles to be put into takoyaki would have a survival advantage.

Daddy’s Bacon －お父さんのベーコン－

One of the things that excited me about going back to Scotland recently was the chance to eat many different kinds of food which are unavailable in Japan.  I had a list of different foods I wanted to eat while I had the chance. 

One such food was bacon.  Of course you can get bacon in Japan, but it doesn’t taste the same as the bacon in Scotland.  Scotland’s bacon is much saltier.  Bacon in Japan tastes to me like ham.  My son loves bacon in Japan, and so I told him over and over before we went to Scotland, “You are going to love this real bacon!” 

I had plenty of opportunities to enjoy the local bacon during my trip, including eating three bacon rolls before heading to the airport on my way back to Japan. 

Other meat dishes I enjoyed were haggis, black pudding, square sausage and sausage rolls.  Haggis is the signature dish of Scotland.  It is a meat pudding, containing the minced meat of a sheep’s heart, liver and lungs, chopped onion and oatmeal and spices, inside a sheep’s stomach.  It is honestly nicer than it sounds.  I had it with mashed potatoes and turnips. 

One dessert I wanted to have was rhubarb crumble.  Rhubarb is a vegetable, but it is often used in desserts, as if it were a fruit.  It has a strong, tart taste, and goes well with custard.  I managed to get one rhubarb crumble, although it was from a supermarket and not freshly made.  It was still nice, though. 

It is not surprising that I enjoyed the food of my home country.  But how did my eight year old son fare?  He has been raised in Japan and, in addition to bacon, loves wakame seaweed, shirasu fish, and natto. 

My son didn’t eat haggis or some of the more challenging foods.  We often had to buy some Japanese style noodles in the Asian section of the supermarket for him to eat instead of what I was eating.  Still, he seemed satisfied with the Scottish bacon I had recommended so highly.  He liked Scottish baked potatoes, and plenty of sandwiches. 

Yesterday I heard my son whispering to my wife, “Don’t tell Daddy.” 

“I wonder what that is about?” I thought.  “It’s not my birthday, is it?” 

I waited until my son was out of the room, and asked my wife what the secret was. 

I had been reminiscing about all the good food we had enjoyed in Scotland.  “Remember that lovely bacon we enjoyed…” 

My son had been whispering to his mother, “Don’t tell Daddy that I didn’t like the Scottish bacon.”  Apparently it was so salty he could only eat a few bites.

Vocabulary:

tart – as an adjective, tart means having a sharp taste, tasting very sour or acidic

[eg., Tart apples are best for cooking in a pie.]

to reminisce – to indulge in enjoyable recollection of past events

[eg., My friend and I reminisced about our days at school together.]

 

Sleeping on the Move －移動中に寝ること－

I have just come back from an eighteen day holiday in Scotland.  I will probably write a bit more about Scotland next week. 

But today I want to write about something I discovered during the journey.  I figured out how to get a little sleep during the long trip. 

The trip from Haneda to Glasgow Airport took about 20 hours.  That included a ten hour flight to Dubai, two hours in Dubai Airport, and an eight hour flight to Scotland.  The trip back took about 24 hours.  The return was longer because we had six and a half hours in Dubai Airport. 

I have never really been able to sleep on planes or buses.  So the thought of the long journey is very daunting.  I can’t sleep by reclining my chair.  Nor can I sleep by putting a pillow around my neck and leaning to the side in my chair.  My son stretched out for a while across two seats and slept.  But how can an adult sleep on the plane? 

Well, my wife managed a few hours sleep by extending the food tray in front of her and resting her head on a pillow on the tray.  I tried to copy this trick, but found that I was not small enough to bend my head onto the tray in front of me. 

I was beginning to despair of getting any sleep at all when my wife woke up and suggested a solution.  I was too tall to bend my head onto the tray in front, but I could put my head onto the tray of the seat diagonally in front of me.  In other words, I put the pillow on the tray of the seat in front of my wife.  The three of us could then take turns to shift our positions and get some sleep each. 

The way back was even easier.  For the first time we decided to book one of the lounges in Dubai Airport for four hours.  It was expensive, and the free buffet, bar and games room were completely wasted on me.  But they did have some lovely long couches that I could lie flat on and use to catch a few hours sleep.  Paying hundreds of pounds for a little shut-eye in the middle of my 24 hour journey felt like the best decision I had ever made! 

We returned home to Nerima after 1 o’clock on Tuesday morning.  But I managed to teach two lessons on Tuesday afternoon, and by Thursday morning I was back to normal, with no jet lag.  Thank goodness I have learned to sleep on the move.

 

Vocabulary:

to be daunting – about a future task, seeming difficult to do

[eg., The mountain climb was a little too daunting for me, so I decided to try an easier climb instead.]

to recline a seat – to move a seat back into a sloping position

[eg., Please wait until after take off to recline your seat.]

Shut-eye – an informal English word for sleep

[eg., I am tired.  I need to get a little shut-eye.]

 

What I Did in my Son’s Summer Holidays, chapter 1 －息子の夏休みの思い出 １－

When I was a child, my life was generally directed by various adults round about me.  One adult or another would say, “Put on your shoes,” or, “Finish your vegetables.  People are starving in China!”

I was then expected to put my shoes on, and not to argue that it might be fun to feel the mud through my socks, and not to ask if anyone had been to China recently to check whether the people really were starving there.  Sometimes the directions given by adults seemed a little unreliable or out of date.  Nevertheless, a child isn’t in much of a position to argue for long.  And so I followed the directions.

One such direction that adults gave at regular intervals was to write an essay entitled, “What I Did in my Holidays”.  I was then expected to list various accomplishments or activities which had taken place when the adults at school were not around to direct my behaviour.  I quickly learned that “I sat in my pyjamas all day, playing computer games,” would not get top marks.  “I played board games,” was better.  “I went to the park and played football,” was better still.  And “I went with my family to a museum to learn about dinosaurs,” would have gotten me a gold star.  The adults wanted evidence that we children were spending the holidays doing things, and best of all useful things.

And so I find myself as the father of a seven year old boy, directing his activities during the summer holidays.  His activities no doubt will have to be reported to his teachers when he returns to school, in an essay entitled, “What I Did in my Summer Holidays”.

I feel a certain amount of pressure to provide my son with good copy.  Yet I am still busy teaching English lessons during the day, and my wife is busy working. 

So far, with my help and direction, my son can truthfully write the following:  My father took me to karaoke, and insisted that I clap more loudly when he had finished singing.  My father helped me to write a story called “Sumokles”, about a chubby Japanese hero, inspired by the Greek hero, Herakles.  My father taught me how to make a gimlet, which is a gin and lime cocktail. 

My son cut the lime for the drink you can see in this picture.  He was allowed to smell it, but not taste it. 

There are many more days of summer holiday remaining.  And I am sure many more accomplishments and activities will follow. 

Rumpus Boy Gruff, part 3 －ランパス少年、グラフ ～パート3－

“I’m going to try,” said Daddy Gruff.  “Maybe I’ll think of something when I see him.” 

So Daddy Gruff cautiously stepped out of the living room and onto the staircase. 

Rumpus Boy had been waiting.  Having a rumpus all alone on a staircase can be somewhat satisfying.  But it is much more satisfying to have a rumpus in front of another person, who can feel the force of your frustration and anger.  So Rumpus Boy’s rumpus picked up strength again as Daddy Gruff approached.  He screamed and kicked the wall. 

“Isn’t it time to finish your rumpus?” asked Daddy Gruff.  “You must be tired by now.” 

Rumpus Boy growled like a dog.  He hissed like a snake.  In between the growling and hissing, a few human words could be heard.  “But, but, but!” he said. 

“This is no good,” thought Daddy Gruff.  “I’ll have to try something else.” 

“Don’t have your rumpus on me,” said Daddy Gruff.  “I’m big, and your rumpus doesn’t bother me as much as it would a smaller victim.  Pretty soon Mummy Gruff will come along to use this staircase.  And she is smaller than me.  So if you let me past, you can enjoy your rumpus more by bothering her instead.” 

Rumpus Boy stamped his foot and glared at Daddy Gruff.  But then he looked past him, down the staircase, trying to see if the smaller Mummy Gruff were coming.  Daddy Gruff took his chance and quickly slipped past Rumpus Boy on the staircase, and went to bed. 

A short time later, Mummy Gruff emerged from the living room and stepped onto the staircase.  Rumpus Boy’s rumpus picked up fresh energy as he saw a new and smaller victim.  He shouted.  He screamed.

Mummy Gruff spoke soothingly.  “Calm down, Rumpus Boy.  Isn’t it time to finish your rumpus?” 

Rumpus Boy started biting the handrail which ran alongside the staircase.  In between the sounds of gnashing teeth, a few words could be heard, and each word sounded like a furious complaint.  “Mummy, Mummy, Mummy!” 

“This is no good,” thought Mummy Gruff.  “I’ll have to try something else.” 

“I’m quite big,” said Mummy Gruff.  “So your rumpus doesn’t bother me as much as it would a smaller victim.  Pretty soon the cat will use the staircase.  If you let me past, you can enjoy showing your rumpus to the cat instead.” 

Rumpus Boy glared at Mummy Gruff and clenched his fists.  But then he looked past her down the staircase, searching for the cat.  Mummy Gruff took her chance and slipped past Rumpus Boy on the staircase, and went to bed. 

A short while later the cat appeared at the bottom of the staircase.  Rumpus Boy stamped his foot.  The cat looked at him without concern.  Rumpus Boy bitterly complained, “But, but, but!”  But the cat cared nothing for human language, and quietly came up the staircase.  Rumpus Boy bit the handrail that ran alongside the staircase.  The cat walked past him, and out of sight. 

Rumpus Boy sighed.  After all, it hadn’t been so fun to have a rumpus in front of a small victim.  It was only fun to have a rumpus when you were very small, and the person listening to the rumpus was very big. 

“Maybe as I get bigger, I will stop wanting to have my rumpuses,” he thought.  “And one day, when I am big enough, I won’t want to have rumpuses at all.” 

Feeling very tired out by his rumpus, Rumpus Boy climbed the staircase towards his bed. 

“But I’ll still be quite small tomorrow,” he thought.  “I suppose a little rumpus would still be okay.”  He smiled. 

The end.