Singapore counts the bear necessities of making babies －シンガポールは（熊に）無くてはならない子作りを計算する－

“Look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities.  Forget about your worries and your strife.”

Baloo the bear, from Disney’s “The Jungle Book”

What is the best way to live your life: living entirely in the moment, trusting your animal instincts – or planning every move as carefully as a lawyer or accountant?  If you don’t own your own home and aren’t financially secure, should you quit worrying and just start a family, or hold off and save some more?

The Singaporean government is very clear.  With a low birth-rate and an aging population, they would very much like young Singaporeans to stop worrying about the future and just hurry up and make babies.

The Minister of State, Josephine Teo, said this week, “In France, in the UK, in Nordic countries, man meets woman... They can make a baby already.  They love each other... They also don’t have to worry about marriage.  That comes later.”

I’m not quite sure if this is complimentary towards the French, British and Scandinavians or not.  I am sure she is trying to hold these societies up as good examples for Singapore to follow, but she makes them seem completely driven by instinct.  I picture bear-like, hairy men prowling the streets.  Although Britain may be more relaxed about relationships, this image might be a little unfair.

The minister contrasted this supposedly easy attitude towards making babies in the West to that in Singapore.  “In the case of Singapore, man meets woman, falls in love, proposes, and then they plan the wedding and a house.”

There’s not much bear-like about that image of Singaporeans.  I instead picture a nation of accountants, carefully calculating every penny of profit and loss before making a decision.  I don’t know Singapore very well, but I wonder if this image is also unfair?

In the same week, Janet Jackson announced that she had become pregnant at the age of 50.  Which just goes to show that even with money and a big house, some people still take their time.

 

Vocabulary:

the bare necessities – the absolute minimum required

to live in the moment – to concentrate on the present, not the past or future

instinct – of animals, natural desires or behaviour

an accountant – a person whose job is to keep financial records

to hold off – to delay

complimentary – expressing praise or approval

to prowl - to move like an animal, especially one searching for prey

 

 

Follow that bus! - Getting over the travel blues －あのバスを追え！ トラベルブルースの克服－

Last week I wrote a little about my frustrated desire to travel, and of a feeling of being stuck at home in suburban Sakuradai, Tokyo.  It got me thinking about what makes for a good trip.  Is it the golden temples?  Is it the mad rush to see all the sights listed in your guidebook in the few days you have?

I would argue from my own experience that it is not.  It won’t be the golden temples you remember when you think of your trip abroad.  It will be getting lost, and the helpful person in the street who goes several blocks out of their way to set you in the right direction.  Or it will be realising that you are sitting on the wrong train with only minutes to spare, and rushing off in a panic before the doors close.  Or it will be wandering into a restaurant off the beaten track where no one speaks your language and you have to point to what someone else is eating and hope for the best.

Thinking of the ten weeks or so I spent some years ago in south-east Asia, it is moments like that which really stick in my mind.

Perhaps the clearest memory is of taking a night-bus from Chiang Mai in the north of Thailand to Bangkok.  Despite leaving in the evening and arriving in the morning, the driver was determined that if he had to stay awake then nobody else should be allowed to sleep.  So he put on some dreadful Thai tv variety show and turned the volume up painfully loud.  And then left it on all night.  So I arrived in Bangkok the next morning completely exhausted.

For some reason I was carrying a lot of bags.  One of them was probably full of a week’s worth of dirty laundry.  I wanted to get off near my hotel, so I left the bus before the final stop.  Unfortunately, because I was so tired and had several bags, I accidentally left one bag on the bus.  It contained my passport.  I didn’t notice I had left it until I was off the bus and it had closed its doors and was pulling away.  I then realised with panic that it would be very hard to find the bus and get the bag back if I didn’t do something fast.

So I quickly found a motorbike taxi and climbed on the back.  “Follow that bus!” I told the driver, and he did, just like in a movie.

I put on the helmet he gave me, but soon noticed that the strap was broken.  It kept slipping down from my head, and I had to push it back up with one of my hands.  But I was carrying a bag in my other hand so I couldn’t hold onto the bike.  For a few seconds every time the helmet started to slip, I was hanging on to the bike with only my legs.

The motorbike was going fast to keep up with this bus, and the road had bumps and pot-holes.  Going over these without properly holding on, and wearing a helmet that could fall off at any time, I realised that this was probably the most stupid thing I had ever done in my life.  I was having visions of my parents’ surprise at their son’s death in an idiotic motorbike chase for a lost bag.  “He seemed smarter than that,” they were saying.

At last the bus arrived at the next stop.  The motorbike pulled in behind it, and I retrieved my bag.  I tipped the driver of the motorbike for not killing me, and went to find a proper car to take me to my hotel.

What have I been saying?  Now I remember all the difficulties of travel - all the times I have gotten lost, had to pay a bribe to get a document I had already paid for, been tricked into exchanging money at a terrible rate, been followed by a sinister man who seemed to hate foreigners, gotten on the wrong train, been stuck in a heavy downpour, been stuck in the snow in shoes with holes, had my wallet stolen, found cockroaches in my hotel room, found a poisonous scorpion sitting in my bed (no, really), seen a large sewer rat sniffing through the ingredients of a restaurant at which I was eating, had to argue with taxi drivers not to take me to a gem shop, got sunburned, got seasick, got food poisoning, been an a minor traffic accident (twice) – I’ve gotten well rid of my travel longings.  Stay at home.  It’s much safer in Sakuradai, and there’s a nice ramen restaurant around the corner. 

Vocabulary:

suburban – of the suburbs, or the outer, residential areas of a city

off the beaten track – away from areas usually travelled to; hard to get to

dreadful – terrible; awful

exhausted – extremely tired

a pot-hole – an unrepaired hole in a road

to retrieve – to get back

a bribe – a corrupt payment; money given to get a favour performed

sinister – evil-looking

a longing – a strong desire

 

The loss of travel innocence －無邪気な旅行の喪失－

I think I’ve got itchy feet.

I want to feel warm sand shifting under my toes.  I want to smell some exotic, spicy food wafting from a pushcart stall.  I want to hear the bustle of foreign accents haggling over prices in a night market.

I suppose it is the reality of having a newborn baby to look after, who needs fed every three hours.  At the moment, a major family adventure is to put the wee one in a poncho and go for a walk around the block.  There aren’t any shifting sands or food stalls in the block of apartments around ours in Nerima.  I can smell ramen, though.  It was exotic to me once.  And I can hear people talking in a language that used to be totally alien (not that I’m claiming to be perfectly fluent now).  It’ll have to do for the time being.

I remember when I arrived in Japan for the first time being told by another Westerner to try to appreciate everything while the excitement lasted.  He predicted that in the first few months I would walk around being engrossed in a thousand small details.  I would look at some tiles on a roof and marvel at how unusual they were.  I would see a ramen store and breathe deeply the unique aroma.  I would stare at the sea of unfamiliar faces, and wonder what people were saying to each other.  And then after living here for a year, I would pass the tiled rooves without noticing, get annoyed by the smell of yet another ramen restaurant, and wish the people chatting in Japanese next to me would shut up and give me peace.  He was a smart guy, that Westerner.

 

Vocabulary:

to have itchy feet – an idiom, meaning to feel the need to travel or move on

to shift – to move

to waft – of a smell, to pass gently through the air

to bustle – to move in an energetic or busy manner

to haggle – to negotiate vigorously over the price

the wee one – the little one; the baby [“wee” is commonly used in Scottish English]

engrossed – absorbed; fascinated

 

Get the fax away from my door! －そのファックスを俺の戸口から持ち去れ！－

I was half-way to buying a fax machine yesterday.

Or at least that’s what the fax machine salesman was thinking.  He must have been hopeful, or else he wouldn’t have given me his leaflet, and then his catalogue, and then gone back to his car to get his colleague, and then taken my name, and then given me his name card.  And finally promised to come back again.

Now I don’t need a fax machine.  I don’t know anyone else who has a fax machine, so who would I fax?  Perhaps I could just have fun endlessly sending witty faxes to myself?  That wouldn’t be too dissimilar to writing this blog.

The real problem, as my wife tells me, is that I am no good at getting rid of cold callers.

“You sounded like you were actually interested in his fax machine,” she tells me.  She has been listening from the living room, whilst feeding the baby.

“Well it’s not easy for me being rude in Japanese,” I protest.  “In every textbook they teach you how to sound polite.  Nobody has ever prepared me to sound bored and annoyed.”

I think I need to approach cold callers from a different angle.  I have put a bunch of leaflets advertising my English lessons next to the front door.  The next time a fax machine salesman comes calling, I will try and beat him at his own game:

“Good evening, Sir!  I’m Yamamoto from AAA Messaging.  Can I ask you if you need to send a lot of messages?”

“What?  Oh!  Umm...  Actually I often message my students.  I have an English school, you know.  Do you speak much English?  Here, take some leaflets.  I’ll just note down your name, so that I can better contact you with further details.  So, Mr. Yamamoto, shall I put you down as greatly in need of improving your English, or fairly in need of improving your English?  Please take another leaflet.”

Vocabulary:

a leaflet – a flyer; a small paper or booklet used to advertise or give information

dissimilar to – unlike; different from

a cold caller – someone who calls, either at your door or on the phone, when they have not been invited or are not expected

to beat someone at their own game – to do something in the same way as another person, and to do it even better

 

First ever interview with a newborn baby － 史上初、新生児とのインタビュー －

Great news for all recent parents!

There is a wonderful new tool to bring you closer to your baby.  With the latest artificial intelligence computers and on-line Giggle translators, it is now possible to scan a baby’s facial movements and record their cries.  These can then be interpreted by an on-line service, which will translate them into English.  What’s more, using a complicated piece of technology which I am not allowed to explain, English questions can be understood by the baby.

Here we have arranged an interview with a three week old baby we’ll call BabyBoy E to protect his anonymity.  We hope that you will find this a great insight into the thought process of newborns.

 

Question 1: You are now three weeks old and have had a little time to adjust to your new surroundings.  How are you settling in to your new home?

BabyBoy E: The apartment is a little cramped.  When someone makes a noise in the next room and I am trying to sleep, I really hate it.  When they make a cup of tea, I scream.  When they wash the dishes, I scream.  When they whisper to each other, I scream.  Just thinking about it makes me want to scream.  Waaaaah!  Waaaaah!

[The interview was suspended at this point.  It resumed thirty minutes later.]

Oh, I feel better for a good scream.  You should scream at least twenty times a day for your health - thirty times if it is hot, cold or just average temperature - and forty times if you are hungry, full, or neither hungry nor full.  Anyway, we were talking about the apartment, right?  As I was saying, it’s a little small.  But when I compare it to where I was living before I suppose I shouldn’t complain.
 

Question 2: How is the food?

BabyBoy E: The food is quite good.  Left breast, right breast...  It’s the variety on offer which I like.  The problem is the service.  It’s so slow.  When I ask for food, it takes forever to arrive.  I just politely say, “I’m hungry”, and nothing happens for ages.  Actually talking about food has made me a little hungry now.  Isn’t it funny how you can drink until you feel full and demand that the food be taken away, and are then hungry three minutes later?  Hey!  I’m hungry!  Bring me food now!  You see what I mean?  Heyyy!  I said food, NOW!  You idiots: Who do you think you’re dealing with?  FOOD!  Waaaaah!  Waaaaah!

[The interview was suspended at this point.  It resumed forty minutes later.]

Ah, that was good.  You have to really bite the breast as hard as possible to enjoy it.  So the food’s not too bad, as I was saying.  Actually, thinking about food has made me a little hungry...

Question 3:  Are you sleeping well?

BabyBoy E:  Only during the day.  I like to take a good nap during the day in order to conserve energy for my main scream between 2 am and 3 am.  There’s nothing quite like screaming when it’s completely black and everything is quiet.  I want to be a werewolf when I grow up.  Would you like to hear me practice howling?  Waaaaah!  Waaaaah!

[The interview was terminated at this point as the translation service ran out of exclamation marks.]

Vocabulary:

anonymity – protection of someone’s name, or identity so that they remain unknown

insight – a clear idea or understanding

to be cramped – of a space, room etc., to be small so that movement is restricted

to suspend – to temporarily stop

to resume – to restart; to continue again after being suspended

to conserve – of something valuable like time, money or energy, to avoid wasting

a werewolf – a mythical creature that changes from the shape of a man to the shape of a wolf during a full moon

to howl – a long, low noise made by dogs and wolves; a prolonged cry

to terminate – to end

The great toilet roll Dash – Never under-estimate how lazy we consumers really are －トイレットペーパー大競争 ～我々消費者がどれだけ怠け者か過小評価するな～ －

lazy – adjective:

unwilling to work or use energy; idle

consumer – noun (plural noun – consumers):
A person who purchases goods or services for personal use; purchaser; buyer

dash – verb:
Run or travel somewhere in a great hurry

Dash – an Amazon product:
A device which allows extremely lazy consumers to have individual products delivered to their home within 24 hours simply by pressing a button

 

How lazy have we consumers really become?  What damage are we willing to do to the environment, what extra financial costs are we willing to accept, just to save a tiny bit of effort?

Some years ago the remote control became popular.  It saved us the effort of standing up and walking five steps to change the channel, or adjust the temperature in the room, or to get out of the car and open the garage door by hand.  Consumers ignored the wasted electricity caused by having a house full of appliances constantly on stand-by.  Our houses now sit, demanding electricity while they wait to be used.

Now people who can’t be bothered going to the supermarket for toothpaste, toilet rolls and shampoo no longer need to go.  They don’t even need to connect to the internet and place an order at a local supermarket for these items to be delivered.  Instead they just go to their Amazon Dash device and press a button.  If they have run out of toilet roll, they press the toilet roll button and an order is automatically placed with Amazon, who will deliver that one item within 24 hours.

Well, nobody is excited about going to the supermarket to buy toilet roll.  But what environmental or financial costs are we ignoring just for a little extra convenience?  If we use Dash, we will not be able to choose the brand of toilet roll or shampoo we want.  We have to buy the one that Amazon provides.  Perhaps it is more expensive.  Perhaps it has damaging plastic particles in it.  And how much energy is wasted by Amazon sending a truck, or maybe a drone, to your house to deliver a single tube of toothpaste?  Wouldn’t it be more energy efficient to buy a lot of items at once and either have them delivered together or even pick them up yourself?

Where will this consumer laziness end?  Need to brush your teeth?  Can’t be bothered?  Press AmazonGo! And a robot will rush to your house to brush them for you within 24 minutes.  Gone to the toilet and need to wipe your bottom?  No problem!  With AmazonGo! This service will come to your door within 24 minutes, all at the touch of a button.  What a wonderful, futuristic society!  My baby son would feel right at home.

Vocabulary:

to be on stand-by – of an electrical device, worker etc., to be prepared to be used whenever needed

can’t be bothered doing something – feel that it is too much effort or feel unwilling to make the effort to do something

a (plastic) particle – a tiny piece (of plastic), too small to see [many shampoos and cleaning products contain thousands of these, and they end up in the sea, damaging the environment]

 

I told you we shouldn’t have named our baby Adolf! －だから、アドルフって名前にすべきじゃないって言ったのに－

I read an article this morning which said that 20 per cent of British parents end up regretting the name they choose for their baby.  I know the feeling.  My wife gave birth to our first child last week, and we thought long and hard before naming him Ewan.  I wanted something which was Scottish, but we also needed something that worked in Japanese, and that hopefully he wouldn’t hate later in life.

It’s easy to see how you might come to regret the name you choose, even if you don’t pick something as obviously ill-advised as Adolf or Akuma (the name, meaning “wicked Devil” that an unfortunate Japanese child was given).

Just think of the poor parents who searched long and hard for an unusual but stylish name – something that would stand out from the crowd.  Eventually they find the name “Elsa” and are sure that the name has given their daughter the ring of dignity and uniqueness she deserves.  Then the next month the Disney movie Frozen comes out starring a princess named Elsa.  Now whenever they introduce their baby, people say, “Oh, like the princess!” or, “She does look a bit Scandinavian, doesn’t she?” or, “Careful with that ice, Elsa, ha ha!”

And that’s not as bad as the poor couple who chose to be even more unique and name their daughter after an ancient Egyptian goddess of health, marriage and wisdom.  When they chose the name Isis, I’m sure they thought it sounded beautiful and was full of hope and positivity, as well as being very unique.  Then shortly afterwards the terrorist group ISIS (the Islamic State in Syria group) became known the world over for beheading people and playing football with the heads.  There’s not much positivity there.  Now when they introduce their baby, they have to start with the explanation, “We don’t actually support terrorism, you understand.”

Well hopefully no terrorist group calls itself EWAN, Disney don’t do a Scottish themed blockbuster starring Prince Ewan, and that he doesn’t grow up to hate his name and change it to Taro.  At least we didn’t call him Adolf.

Vocabulary:

ill-advised – not sensible or wise; misguided

wicked – bad; evil

to stand out – to be noticeable or distinct

(to have) the ring of (dignity) – to sound or appear dignified

Scandinavian –[the film Frozen was set in a fictional Scandanavian kingdom]

to behead (someone) – to cut (someone’s) head off