How Britain was revealed as a nation of habitual criminals －イギリスが常習犯の国だと、どうやって明らかになったか－

 

Back when we had an empire, Britain used to ship its criminals off to distant lands like Australia.  Or we would just hang them.  So you would think that this left behind a nation of very law-abiding citizens. 

But it is not so, according to a recent survey carried out by BTTV.  They asked 2,000 adults about their attitudes to crime, and asked them about their own activities.  The survey found that 98 per cent of Britons described themselves as law-abiding.  But a more detailed examination of their behaviour found that they were committing an average of 32 crimes every year.  Are tea drinking, queue forming Britons really committing so much crime? 

Yes, but when you read the laws these people are breaking, perhaps it is surprising that they commit only 32 crimes a year. 

The most common law that the people surveyed admitted to breaking was drinking alcohol before they turned 18.  Yeah, I did that one too. 

Next was drivers who admitted swearing at, or gesturing to, other road users.  I don’t think I ever did that.  But it’s easy to break this law.  Drivers often try to be polite and gesture for a pedestrian to cross the road in front of them.  But you are not supposed to, in case another driver doesn’t stop for them. 

The third most commonly admitted crime was eating or drinking while driving.  That’s just stupid.  Australia is too good for people who break this law.  Send them to Birmingham instead. 

Next was the crime of vacuuming on a weekday before 8am or after 6pm.  Really?  That’s a crime in the UK?  I hope it isn’t a crime in Tokyo.  My wife would be committing about 250 crimes a year just from this one law. 

Well, you get the idea.  There are a lot of laws, and we all tend to break the minor ones from time to time.  I’m more worried about the fact that of the 2,000 people surveyed, only 98 per cent of people said that they were law-abiding.  What did the other forty people say then?  “Me?  I’d steal anything that wasn’t nailed to the floor.  Hey, that’s a nice briefcase you’ve got, mate!” 

Just to finish off, let’s play a game.  I’ll write down three actions.  Guess which ones are against the law in the UK.  I’ll give the answers after the vocabulary descriptions below. 

1 – Being drunk in a pub 

2 – A parent taking their child out of school without getting the school’s permission 

3 – Singing “Happy birthday” in a restaurant

 

Vocabulary:

to ship someone or something off – to send someone or something away by ship

to hang someone – to execute someone, using a rope

law-abiding – of a person or people, tending to obey or follow the law

a survey – a questionnaire; a series of questions asked of many people for research purposes

to form a queue – to make an orderly line to wait for something in turn

to turn (18) – to reach one’s (18^th) birthday

to swear at someone – to use coarse language to show anger at someone

 

Answers:

1, 2, and 3 are all against the law in the UK

Why do science-fiction robots never crash? －SFのロボットがいつもクラッシュしないのは何故ですか？－

My computer crashed yesterday evening.  After several hours of panic and worry, we were able to fix the problem.

The day before, I finished reading an old science-fiction novel, written in the early 1950s.  The novel imagines a future in which humanoid robots have become so efficient that they are taking over everyone’s jobs.  All the humans are being made redundant.

Why were these robots so perfect?  Why didn’t they have lots of annoying problems and glitches, like my computer?

It is always the same in futuristic science-fiction novels and films.  None of the scary killer robots or sexy female robots ever seem to break down.

I think to be more realistic, in the film Terminator, the evil robot played by Arnold Schwarzenegger should chase the humans and nearly kill them many times.  Then just before the end of the movie he should suddenly and for no apparent reason start walking round in a circle saying, “The human extermination programme has experienced a problem.  Please contact Skynet Killer Robot Corporation with the details.”

In the film Blade Runner, the sexy woman who turns out to be a robot should lean in to kiss Harrison Ford.  He is still extremely attracted to her, even though he knows she is a machine.  He is thinking, “How important is it really to have a human girlfriend?  What’s so great about humans, anyway?”  Just at that moment, she says that she needs to confirm his banking details and password.  There’s a million dollars waiting to be sent to him if he only forwards 1,000 dollars to a bank in Nigeria first.  And would he like to buy a special cream to make part of his body grow larger?

Vocabulary:

to crash – of a computer, software etc., to fail suddenly

humanoid - of a robot, alien etc., being like a human in appearance or character

to be made redundant – to lose one’s job when that job disappears

a glitch – a sudden, usually temporary fault in a machine, computer etc.

The ice, and the end of the world －氷と世界の終わり－

Yesterday I was worried that the world was going to end.  It happened during an English lesson.

There are many legends about how the world will end.  According to some, it will end in a great fire.  But according to the Norse, it will end in ice.  They used to say that after a terrible final battle, the sun would turn black, the gods would die, and the whole world would be frozen.

I live in Nerima in Tokyo.  We have been having a heatwave recently, with temperatures of 34, 35, or 36 degrees Celsius.  So it was very surprising when I heard lumps of ice hitting my windows.

It started with a thunder storm.  Normally I quite enjoy thunder storms, as long as I feel safe and snug inside my house.  But the rain came down so heavily that my student and I couldn’t hear one another without shouting.  And the thunderclaps were loud enough to make me jump every time they occurred.  It already felt frightening, as if weapons of war were exploding right outside.  Then hailstones started pelting the house.  They were hitting so hard that I thought the glass in the windows would shatter.

[By the way, the world didn’t end at this point.  I’m just telling you because you look a little nervous.  Okay, if you say you’re not nervous, then maybe you just look a little concerned.  Don’t worry.  It will all be fine at the end of this anecdote.  Let us continue the story.]

I had to stop the lesson.  Then I closed the curtains in case the window shattered and sent broken glass flying into the room.  And I turned off important electrical appliances like my computer and air-conditioner (the two things I couldn’t live without).  The hail continued for a while, and then stopped.  The thunder storm, which had been right above our heads, passed over us and became quieter as it moved on.  We were even able to resume the lesson.

So yesterday wasn’t the end of the world after all.  It was just a little reminder that the ice is always there, waiting.  And one day it will cover the whole world.  So if you have anything important you want to do, you had better do it while you have the chance.  Don’t delay those English lessons any longer.  Contact Nerima English for details while there is still time.

 

Vocabulary:

the Norse – Vikings; people who lived in the north of Europe, especially Scandinavia

a lump – a piece of something, pushed together in an irregular shape

snug – comfortable, warm and cosy

a thunderclap – the sudden noise produced by thunder (electricity moving in the air)

a hailstone – a piece of ice which falls to the ground like rain

to pelt – to hit with thrown or falling objects again and again

to shatter – of glass, ceramics etc., to break into many small pieces

an anecdote – a short, amusing story about a real person or incident

an electrical appliance – a small, useful machine, such as a vacuum cleaner

to resume – to restart after a pause

Making do with make-believe toys －なんちゃっておもちゃで間に合わせる－

I remember hearing someone interviewed on the radio about their childhood.  They were asked if they could remember what games they played growing up. 

The woman said, “Oh yes.  I remember playing with a time machine.  It was endless fun.”

“Pardon?” said the interviewer.  “What did you use as a time machine?” 

“Well,” said the woman.  “My older brother would lift me up and put me inside the top-loading washing-machine, with my head sticking out the top.  Then he would put a cardboard box over my head so that I couldn’t see.  Next, he would make some beeps and odd noises, and shake me about.  Then he would say that we had arrived in ancient Egypt, or the Roman Empire, or in an Aztec temple.” 

“Well surely you would realise that you hadn’t travelled to ancient Egypt as soon as you took the cardboard box off your head?” said the interviewer.

“Oh yes, I suppose so.  That’s why he never took the cardboard box off my head.” 

What a cool older brother!  He realised the power of imagination and helped his sister to travel to far-off, exotic lands without even spending money on a picture book. 

I used to love looking at maps and pictures of ancient artefacts and travelling to far-off places in my mind as well. 

I was thinking about cheap toys the other day while my son was playing with a plastic bottle.  He is 10 months old now and generally gets just as much pleasure from seemingly mundane items as from expensive toys.  He likes bashing plastic bottles.  He loves trying to rip up the cork mat on the floor.  He enjoys escaping from underneath a towel you throw over his head.  I just hope that he continues to enjoy playing with these cheap, everyday items long into the future.  It could save us a lot of money. 

“Son, I know you were hoping for a car for your 18^th birthday, but I’ve got you another kind of vehicle instead.  This one is, in its own way, much better.  It will not only take you to far off places, but really broaden your mind as well.  Now close your eyes until I bring it out... Okay, open them!” 

“Dad, that’s a cardboard box.” 

“No, it’s not, Son.  It’s a time machine!  Now put it on your head and you can thank me when you get back from ancient Athens.” 

Ps. Please don’t put children inside washing-machines.  Time machines work just as well with only the cardboard box component.

Vocabulary:

to make do – to manage with the limited things available

make-believe – pretend; imaginary

top-loading – of an item such as a washing-machine or dish-washer, built so that things are put in at the top

to stick out – to emerge past the edge of something; to be not fully inside or covered

a cardboard box - a box made of cheap, thick paper-like material, often used to carry or package goods

an artefact – an item made for a purpose, especially one considered to have cultural or historical significance

mundane – commonplace; unremarkable

to bash – to hit with force

to broaden one’s mind – to increase one’s experiences; allow one to think more widely

a component – a part, especially of a complex machine

 

Is the waitress my sister, my mother, or my grandma? －ウェイトレスは、お姉さんか、お母さんか、お婆ちゃんか？－

“Obaa-chan!”

A British colleague of mine tried to catch the attention of the elderly waitress in an old-fashioned izakaya.  She was probably in her seventies, still working in the family run business past the usual retirement age.  His shout “Obaa-chan” meant “Grandma”.

A Japanese colleague nudged him sharply with her elbow and scolded him.  “Psst!  Don’t say that!  You’re being rude.”  She told him to call the waitress, “Onee-san”, or “sister”.

The poor old waitress heard as my tactless colleague complained, “But she is an Obaa-chan!”

I was reminded of this scene recently.  Bousou-Seito, who is a student of mine, wrote about something similar in her diary.  She has given permission for her diary entry to be printed below.

*

The other day I worked at Cafe Celery.  On that day, three customers from Nara came.  They were very interesting and very friendly.

They called me “Okaa-san”.  But I hate being called that.  If another customer called me “Okaa-san”, I would say, “I am not your mother!”

Then the customer said, “Your t-shirt is very nice.  I want that t-shirt.  Metcha kakko-ee yan!  Let’s swap t-shirts!” 

So his friend said, “Don’t be silly.  It is not a soccer match.  We don’t swap t-shirts.”

Today’s customers were very good.

*

So now we know what not to call a waitress.  And also how to charm a waitress like a young man from Nara.

 

Vocabulary:

a colleague – a co-worker; someone who works for the same company

Grandma – an affectionate sounding, shortened form of “Grandmother”

to nudge someone - to push your elbow into someone to get their attention

tactless – having or showing a lack of sensitivity or skill in dealing with others’ feelings

“Metcha kakko-ee yan!” - Of course Japanese speakers will know that this is Kansai dialect, and means something like, “That is so cool!” 

 

Devils in skirts, devils in schools －スカートをはいた悪魔、学校にいる悪魔－

“Education, education, education!” 

So said Tony Blair twenty years ago as he was elected prime minister of the UK. 

I was in high school at the time.  I can certainly agree that we had some problems in our schools.  For example, I had an English teacher who never talked during the lessons.  He just checked who was present and then sat behind his desk, reading a book.  So the students did whatever they wanted, chatting and joking loudly.  The only time we got him to talk was when we started throwing things at his head.  Were we terrible children or was he a terrible teacher?

Now, twenty years after the government promised to fix all our education troubles, are Britain’s classrooms temples of calm and learning? 

Maybe not.  Judging by recent news, our schools have become a battleground between revolutionary devil-students and strict devil-teachers. 

You may have heard an interesting story this month from Isca Academy in Exeter in England.  There was a heatwave and many of the boys wanted to wear shorts.  But the school insisted that they stick to the uniform, which only allowed long trousers for boys and skirts for girls. 

When the boys complained, the head teacher was unsympathetic. 

“If you don’t like your trousers, then you can always come in a skirt!” she said sarcastically. 

But some of the boys took her literally and borrowed skirts from sisters or female friends and wore them to school.  This is how the story was reported, and people across the country laughed at the amusing protest of the boys. 

But after reading several articles about the incident, some of the small and little reported details stood out. 

The mother of one of the boys reported that when her son said he would go to school in shorts, the teachers threatened to send him to the “isolation room” for a week. 

The isolation room?  This is a school, not a prison, right? 

And according to another article, after five boys wore skirts to school, two of them were punished.  One was punished because “his skirt was too short.”  The other was punished “because his legs were too hairy.” 

Huh?  It sounds to me like the teachers were trying to humiliate the boys in skirts and to get other kids to bully them.  I can almost imagine the teachers giving the boy in a short skirt wolf-whistles. 

In an often scary and chaotic world, some things never change.  There will always be devils in schools, skirt-wearing and trouser-wearing, amongst both the students and the teachers.

Vocabulary:

revolutionary – involved with trying to overthrow a system of government or authority

strict – applying the laws or rules severely

a heatwave – an unusually hot period of weather

to insist – to refuse to change one’s opinion, claim etc despite an opposing view

sarcastically – in a joking or ironic tone

to take someone literally – to interpret someone’s words as being spoken truly, not jokingly or sarcastically

isolation – being alone or apart from others

to humiliate – to shame; to cause extreme embarrassment to

a wolf-whistle – a double whistle, with a rising and then falling tone, signifying a lewd or sexual interest in another person

 

(I don’t want to be a) Hero of the sky －空の英雄（には、なりたくない）－

It’s a long way up to the ninth floor.  So you press the button for the elevator.  It arrives and the doors open.  It contains only a single, heavily pregnant woman.  Looking at the woman, you marvel that she can be getting out and about so late in her pregnancy.  She looks so heavy that the baby could pop out at any moment. 

What do you do?  Do you smile, step in, and make some baby related comment to share the woman’s joy?  Will you take the lift with her up to the ninth floor? 

Don’t be a fool!  Ask, “Going down?” and pretend that you are waiting for an elevator going in the other direction.  Then breathe a sigh of relief.  If necessary, go and take the stairs just to calm yourself down. 

Why would I give such harsh advice?  I have nothing against pregnant women. 

It’s just that I’ve read so many stories about pregnant women getting stuck in some awkward place, then going into labour, and some unlikely hero having to help deliver the baby.  What if the elevator gets stuck, and you’re the only potential hero in the vicinity? 

This week a baby was born on a flight from Saudi Arabia to India.  The Indian airline promised to allow the baby free flights for life, which sounds nice.  But I also noticed that their statement praised the cabin crew, as well as a passenger who was a nurse, for helping deliver the baby. 

The cabin crew had to help deliver the baby?  Can you imagine the conversations that must have gone on? 

“Um, Tina, could you come through here?” 

“Well I’m a little busy right now.  I’m pouring cups of tea and coffee for the passengers.” 

“Yes, I see that.  But I want you to put down the coffee pot and come and deliver this baby.” 

“But I haven’t finished.  There might be some more passengers who want coffee...” 

“Tina!” 

“Oh, all right.  But I’d better get a bonus for this.  Just promise me you won’t give away my bonus money to the baby as free flights for life or something stupid like that!”

 

Vocabulary:

heavily pregnant – at an advanced stage of pregnancy

to marvel – to wonder; to be amazed

a lift – British English for an elevator

to go into labour – for a pregnant woman or female to start to give birth

to deliver a baby – to help a pregnant woman or female to give birth

to get stuck – to become trapped or unable to move

in the vicinity – in the area nearby

the cabin crew – the staff on an aeroplane